How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

Some people aren't cut out to be a SAHP. Have you considered getting a job or going back to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

I respect anyone who has the right number of kids for themselves and is a good parent. The poster here who talked about having one kid smugly asserted that they thought having more than one kid would weaken the parent child relationship and I think that’s what people reacted to.

Also one of the people I know with an only child (by choice) is extremely type A. They couldn’t take the stress that parenting placed on their career and marriage. Good for them for stopping at one and enjoying their kid, but def not a type A vs type B thing.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids, aimed for two and got twins on the second successful pregnancy. I think you need to have a really relaxed personality to have more than one. If you don't naturally, don't have more than one dc. One is so easy compared to more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

Oh for sure! And I should have qualified that--FOR ME, it would be a reason to have another! I would be way too intense with one kid. (I might be a little too intense with two kids, but that is all we can handle, I think!)

[Anonymous]

Lol at the mom of 4 who wonder "was I even a mom?" before she had 4. Both my kids were born via c-section and a total stranger once asked me if I felt like I had the "full mom experience." Maybe it was the same lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

Oh for sure! And I should have qualified that--FOR ME, it would be a reason to have another! I would be way too intense with one kid. (I might be a little too intense with two kids, but that is all we can handle, I think!)

I’m another mom who is grateful she has multiple kids because I’d be way too intense as a mom of one (we have 4). It’s not just the divided resources - it’s knowing that nature is powerful and your kids are who they are regardless of what you do. I’m sure there are parents of onlies who intuitively get that, but that would not be me (and was not me when I had one kid). I needed to see at least 2 different kids to stop trying so hard to mold them.

[Anonymous]

I was genuinely surprised at how much I liked having a baby. I thought no one liked it and we all just suffered through to have kids. Now I want tons more babies but have to limit myself because I obviously don't want a ton of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

I respect anyone who has the right number of kids for themselves and is a good parent. The poster here who talked about having one kid smugly asserted that they thought having more than one kid would weaken the parent child relationship and I think that’s what people reacted to.

Also one of the people I know with an only child (by choice) is extremely type A. They couldn’t take the stress that parenting placed on their career and marriage. Good for them for stopping at one and enjoying their kid, but def not a type A vs type B thing.

That comment about thinking that having a second child would make the relationship with her only "less special" was indeed smug but no more smug than many of the comments from parents of more kids talking about how a sibling is the "best thing you can give your child" or how having 3 or more kids was easy for them because they are rich or how people who have negative relationships with siblings are extreme outliers or must be super needy. These are all super judgmental, smug comments, but apparently they are fine. One mom of an only said one smug thing and it's a witch hunt.

Don't dish it if you can't take it.

[Anonymous]

I love babies and raising kids. I had 3 and truly have just loved the whole experience.

I’ve got friends that enjoy week long camping trips. Now that I can’t understand wanting on any level

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

Oh for sure! And I should have qualified that--FOR ME, it would be a reason to have another! I would be way too intense with one kid. (I might be a little too intense with two kids, but that is all we can handle, I think!)

I’m another mom who is grateful she has multiple kids because I’d be way too intense as a mom of one (we have 4). It’s not just the divided resources - it’s knowing that nature is powerful and your kids are who they are regardless of what you do. I’m sure there are parents of onlies who intuitively get that, but that would not be me (and was not me when I had one kid). I needed to see at least 2 different kids to stop trying so hard to mold them.

You would learn with one as well, honestly. I think it's a stereotype that parents of onlies are more helicopter-y or try to control more but it has not been my experience. Your kid teaches you that they are their own person and you learn because otherwise parenting is too hard. It's a natural part of watching your kid go from being a baby/toddler to being an older kid who has opinions of their own, is capable of a ton more independence, and can assert themselves.

I was a pretty anxious/intense parent when my kid was really little and starting in about kindergarten I was like "oh I need to learn to let some stuff go" and I did and grew as a person. Now my kid is in late elementary and it's really liberating to realize that she has to figure out a lot of stuff herself and my job isn't to micromanage her life but to provide guidance, information, scaffolding along the way. Turns out it's great letting your kid go a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

I respect anyone who has the right number of kids for themselves and is a good parent. The poster here who talked about having one kid smugly asserted that they thought having more than one kid would weaken the parent child relationship and I think that’s what people reacted to.

Also one of the people I know with an only child (by choice) is extremely type A. They couldn’t take the stress that parenting placed on their career and marriage. Good for them for stopping at one and enjoying their kid, but def not a type A vs type B thing.

That comment about thinking that having a second child would make the relationship with her only "less special" was indeed smug but no more smug than many of the comments from parents of more kids talking about how a sibling is the "best thing you can give your child" or how having 3 or more kids was easy for them because they are rich or how people who have negative relationships with siblings are extreme outliers or must be super needy. These are all super judgmental, smug comments, but apparently they are fine. One mom of an only said one smug thing and it's a witch hunt.

Don't dish it if you can't take it.

There are multiple people posting on here. I took issue with the smug comment and I didn’t “dish” anything. I also think someone saying that they can “afford” to have three children is pretty different from someone saying that people with more than one child have less special relationships with their children. Further, if you disagree with a comment day that instead of saying something unrelated and incendiary.

[Anonymous]

OP - I don't get it either. All the people saying "it was really hard but now they're 16, 18, 19 and it was sooo worth it" you still have to live through the baby, toddler, elementary, middle (yikes) years until they get older. That isn't nothing. If you're tired and don't get needed time to do adult things (including time to yourself) then those are many years of being exhausted and stretched thin.

Glad for my singleton who is not an easy kid (not special needs, just really intense and full of big feelings), and glad not to have any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

+1 this

I wanted a second when DD was a newborn, but my DH didn't and it broke my heart. Now, I realize he was right. We both get easily overwhelmed and have executive functioning issues. DD is autistic (low support needs) and I realize I probably am too. More than one child would be massive sensory overload for me. Sometimes I still wish we had a bigger family, but mostly, I have my dream life.

[Anonymous]

Everyone says they love having kids but to me, parents look absolutely miserable. Having kids isn’t fun but it’s the only way to have a family and surround yourself with people later in life.