How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and that’s the perfect amount for me. I love babies and raising kids but I know myself and know I only have the mental and emotional capacity for 3.

Like anything else, I think people just have very different preferences around this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

My 10 year old told me yesterday that she’s glad she doesn’t have a sibling.

And my child has an 11 year old friend who said yesterday that she wishes she had a sibling. I’m friends with the mother and I know the backstory - they tried to have another but just couldn’t, and the girl used to ask for a sibling but eventually stopped talking about it with them to not make them feel bad.

Maybe more common with girls who like playing dress-up and caring for a baby? My 10yo has never expressed a desire for a sibling. Being around with annoying (according to him and his friends) younger siblings has made him realize how good he has it.

Same, my tween is relieved she doesn’t have to deal with a sibling. She’s not dumb or lying to me, she sees what it’s like and is grateful for her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well my first wasn’t very hard ..my second was the one that might have given me second thoughts lol.

But in general it’s looking forward. Babyhood is only a few years, you have decades with your kids school age and older. And I personally think it’s a little sad to be and have an only child, if it’s not too hard to have more than 1. My hubby and I both grew up with siblings and watching our only children friends navigate being the sole person responsible for aging parents, and not have those sibling connections to childhood and the knowledge of your roots/memories when they pass. I don’t think I could let “babies are hard” be the only reason I have one child (I know ppl have other reasons)

Please spare us your pity, it’s truly not required or appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

Is this the teacher? What grade do you teach?

IME working as a counselor with kids of various ages, it's common for preschool and early elementary kids who are onlies to wish they had siblings, but way less common to hear this from tweens and teens. Little kids want siblings because they want built-in playmates.

Some families are dysfunctional, and an only child in a dysfunctional family might long for a sibling, who they envision as an ally in navigating family challenges. But my observation is that in dysfunctional families with siblings, it rarely works that way. The sibling relationships wind up being dysfunctional as well. It's just hard and lonely being in a dysfunctional family -- it being larger doesn't ease that and could make it worse in some cases.

But in functional families, tweens and teens who are onlies virtually never talk about wanting a sibling. By this age they see some of the advantages of being an only and they no longer crave a playmate. Teens tend to highly value independence and crave being treated more like adults as they near actual adulthood. Only children in functional families (so no overbearing parents or couples using their child as a go between or anything like that) tend to get both of those things. I've never encountered a child for whom being an only caused problems. Nor have I met kids for whom having a sibling caused problems (that wouldn't have been there even without the siblings). The one caveat is that I have worked with families where the parents were overwhelmed and struggling to parent and more kids can make that harder. It's just logistically challenging and not everyone is cut out for it. But even with this, it is often other issues (financial difficulties, marital problems) that are the true source of the problems. Not simply the existence of another child.

I really haven't seen any evidence that having or not having siblings is itself a deciding factor for raising well-adjusted kids. I might even go so far as to say it's irrelevant in most cases.

I pretty much agree with this. The one thing left out in this analysis, though, is how only children fare as adults. I have actually met several only children who felt lonely and had a really hard time with aging and dying parents. And having gone through this with both my and my husband’s parents, we agree that having siblings is very helpful and important in this stage of life.

I hate my (violent, mentally ill) closest in age sibling, and he was a consistent net negative throughout my childhood. But my oldest siblings are incredibly important to me as an adult. This factored into our decision whether to have more than one child.

And yet, there are many people whose siblings didn't help at all or made the situation so much worse.

This. When my father passed it was just my bonus parent and I who made all the decisions. Honestly, I was just there to support and respect her wishes.

Far too many times when there is more than one sibling it gets messy and nasty

[Anonymous]

Not just you OP! I've often wondered same. I have 2 but had second as u felt compelled to have 2 so my kid wouldn't be all alone as we have no real immediate family on either DB or my sides.

[Anonymous]

My two very best friends each have two kids. In both cases, the siblings do not like each other.

So stop with the siblings ensure friendship crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two very best friends each have two kids. In both cases, the siblings do not like each other.

So stop with the siblings ensure friendship crap.

People idealize sibling relationships. Or they only look at the best sibling relationships and think "that's what I want for my kid." But that's not how it works.

Have as many kids as feels right for your family, and work at ensuring positive relationships between siblings. But don't ever assume your kids will be friends, or be close, or perform a particular role for one another as adults.

My FIL was always trying to force a very specific brotherly relationship between my DH and his brother and it was miserable for all involved. As soon as FIL died, DH stopped performing this semblance of a close relationship with his brother and their relationship IMPROVED because they had space and no one was doing anything out of obligation anymore. They are super different people and will never be close friends but they now have a more functional relationship with less conflict because they aren't trying to pretend that they like they are close or devoted. The truth is that if they were not brothers they would not choose to be in each others lives and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids. My boy has never been very nice with his sister, who is 4 years older. This is what I like the least about having more kids. The extra work is negligible to me as kids grow.

[Anonymous]

Do you realize that even today 50% of births are unplanned. Sometimes it is a surprise and you give birth. It happened to me. I was not specifically "planning" it.

I never "tried" for either of my two kids. Both were unplanned. I had sex one time in three years for the second and got pregnant. I did not think I was ovuating. I was married. The first I was off the pill for 48 hours only...ex decided to go ahead even though I did not want to get pregnant.

It happens.

Never had sex without that ex-spouse again. Abstinence is the only 100% way to avoid an accident.

The way you feel about a possible second kid is how I feel about marriage--why would anyone ever do that again? But I understand 1) people are different and 2) things can happen that are not necessarily planned (like a pregnancy)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you realize that even today 50% of births are unplanned. Sometimes it is a surprise and you give birth. It happened to me. I was not specifically "planning" it.

I never "tried" for either of my two kids. Both were unplanned. I had sex one time in three years for the second and got pregnant. I did not think I was ovuating. I was married. The first I was off the pill for 48 hours only...ex decided to go ahead even though I did not want to get pregnant.

It happens.

Never had sex without that ex-spouse again. Abstinence is the only 100% way to avoid an accident.

The way you feel about a possible second kid is how I feel about marriage--why would anyone ever do that again? But I understand 1) people are different and 2) things can happen that are not necessarily planned (like a pregnancy)

This is a you problem. I’ve always had IUDs. Husbands can get vasectomies. There’s really, truly no reason in this day and age to have an accidental pregnancy as an adult. (I’m pro abortion, before you even go there).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you realize that even today 50% of births are unplanned. Sometimes it is a surprise and you give birth. It happened to me. I was not specifically "planning" it.

I never "tried" for either of my two kids. Both were unplanned. I had sex one time in three years for the second and got pregnant. I did not think I was ovuating. I was married. The first I was off the pill for 48 hours only...ex decided to go ahead even though I did not want to get pregnant.

It happens.

Never had sex without that ex-spouse again. Abstinence is the only 100% way to avoid an accident.

The way you feel about a possible second kid is how I feel about marriage--why would anyone ever do that again? But I understand 1) people are different and 2) things can happen that are not necessarily planned (like a pregnancy)

This is a you problem. I’ve always had IUDs. Husbands can get vasectomies. There’s really, truly no reason in this day and age to have an accidental pregnancy as an adult. (I’m pro abortion, before you even go there).

Women need to understand how their hormones work too. This story has been repeated by so many of my friends. She may not have thought she was ovulating, but she should have known she was based on that presumably fluke desire that flared up once in three years and resulted in sex. That’s no fluke, that’s an evolutionary response to your estrogen and LH surge to encourage procreation.

Dead bedroom and suddenly you feel the urge? Wrap it up, friend, that’s your hormones increasing libido right when you are most fertile.

[Anonymous]

Siblings are a gift

[Anonymous]

As an immigrant with practically no family (my husband has small distant family) I don’t want my kid to be alone when I am no longer here. I have 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids. My boy has never been very nice with his sister, who is 4 years older. This is what I like the least about having more kids. The extra work is negligible to me as kids grow.

I certainly hope you correct him when he is “not nice” to his sister.

[Anonymous]

I loved all stages of both my kids. Somehow, I was good at it, I had tons of support and my kids were easy. They are in their late 20s and they are still the funnest people to be around.

Now I am the most fun and cheerful babysitter for my nieces and nephews children. I just am sad that some of my relatives are halting at one baby. I want them to have two each, but can't tell them that, right?