How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

Cause I absolutely did want an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone says they love having kids but to me, parents look absolutely miserable. Having kids isn’t fun but it’s the only way to have a family and surround yourself with people later in life.

Yeah, not so much in DCUMland. Read all the posts about how liberating it is to cut "toxic" parents/siblings/family out of one's life. Children being raised by parents with this attitude are going to normalize that, and will be doing the exact same thing in 20-30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone says they love having kids but to me, parents look absolutely miserable. Having kids isn’t fun but it’s the only way to have a family and surround yourself with people later in life.

I probably look miserable but it's not because of my kid. I love being a parent and love spending time with my kid and I don't really even mind a lot of the drudgery of it.

I think I look miserable because I'm middle aged and I just get more annoyed with people as I age. Or people get more annoying. Either, or both. But I don't feel miserable because of my kid. That's the bright spot in any day. Even when I'm annoyed with her, I'm still happier than I am being annoyed with anyone else.

I actually assume she will go off and live her own life later, BTW. I don't expect her to be my permanent companion in my old age. That's why DH and I have each other, plus work to maintain friendships and community. The expectation that your children will spend the rest of their lives gathered around you keeping you from feeling lonely is just unrealistic. Are you currently spending most of your time with your elderly parents? Or are you working, traveling, mostly focused on your own life? Because that's what your kids will be doing too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone says they love having kids but to me, parents look absolutely miserable. Having kids isn’t fun but it’s the only way to have a family and surround yourself with people later in life.

Yeah, not so much in DCUMland. Read all the posts about how liberating it is to cut "toxic" parents/siblings/family out of one's life. Children being raised by parents with this attitude are going to normalize that, and will be doing the exact same thing in 20-30 years.

This is a whole thing in our culture today. There was an article in The Atlantic recently about the normalization of cutting people off and how it's basically the first thing suggested in Very Online spaces whenever people mention any problem in any relationship at all.

There's a thread in off-topic about why people are so unhappy in our culture today. An unwillingness to work through difficult things in a relationship (caveat that some things, like physical abuse, require distance immediately) is a part of that, I think.

[Anonymous]

I love babies and children, tweens, teens, and adult children. Wish I could have had 6 or more. Just love nurturing and being a mother.

[Anonymous]

When my first was under a year, I knew I would want a second but in no way felt ready for it. Fast forward to 2 years, kid was sleeping well, didn't rely on my body for every single meal ... I was ready to have a second.

When my second was a year old, I wasn't sure if I'd want a third eventually, but knew I wasn't ready at that time. Thought about it again at 2 years, and knew 100% for sure that I was done. I just had no desire whatsoever to start a third round of sleepness nights and everything else. Our oldest was about ready to start kindergarten by that time, and I was ready to move on from being a "mom of babies" to being a "mom of kids".

[Anonymous]

Im an only child ..as is my mother. My father is one of four .. they all have one child.

We have two kids .. It's a very personal individual choice.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple who has 4 all under the age of 6.

They came from 2 child families. They both work full time at shift intense jobs (12+ hours) and alternate their work schedules so one or the other is at home.

Not sure "why" they decided to have 4 and also not sure they are stopping at 4. Based on what they say, my impression is they will have more.

The "how" they have them is because of family money provided by parent - paying for household expenses, IVF, health care costs, larger house, larger vehicles.

[Anonymous]

One of my friends has one child, she likes kids and thought about having another child, but didn’t want to go through pregnancy so decided not to. I have 2 kids, I don’t like or dislike kids, but just naturally plan to have 2 kids. Due to health condition I had one miscarriage, but we are glad to have 2 kids, the early years were hard, but now they can play and join activities together and it’s much easier sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I feel this about parents of one. I just don't get it. I would have had four if I had the time and resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

+1 this

I wanted a second when DD was a newborn, but my DH didn't and it broke my heart. Now, I realize he was right. We both get easily overwhelmed and have executive functioning issues. DD is autistic (low support needs) and I realize I probably am too. More than one child would be massive sensory overload for me. Sometimes I still wish we had a bigger family, but mostly, I have my dream life.

Interestingly, I an exactly like you and this is the reason we had more than one. When I was the only source of entertainment/emotional connection/stimulation for my oldest, I felt constantly overwhelmed and on sensory overload. Having two spreads that burden. I think one kid is just too intense. But I certainly understand your perspective.

[Anonymous]

I find babies cute but not very interesting. I thought my daughter got cooler and more interesting as she got older. I would have had another one but it wasn't in the cards. The baby stage is really brief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"

I think people who say this tend to be people who just want less stress. Like they are the opposite of the Type A moms upthread who felt they needed to have 3 kids to spread their intensity around. They are not Type A and will feel burdened by the demands of multiple kids so prefer an only because it's easier to meet the needs of an only and still have something left over.

IME people who are confidently one and done tend to know themselves quite well and have recognized their limits. Even if you don't envy their family set up, I think you should be able to appreciate their ability to know what is right for themselves.

+1 this

I wanted a second when DD was a newborn, but my DH didn't and it broke my heart. Now, I realize he was right. We both get easily overwhelmed and have executive functioning issues. DD is autistic (low support needs) and I realize I probably am too. More than one child would be massive sensory overload for me. Sometimes I still wish we had a bigger family, but mostly, I have my dream life.

Interestingly, I an exactly like you and this is the reason we had more than one. When I was the only source of entertainment/emotional connection/stimulation for my oldest, I felt constantly overwhelmed and on sensory overload. Having two spreads that burden. I think one kid is just too intense. But I certainly understand your perspective.

Thank you for putting that into words. I felt it deeply and knew having another would shatter me. And I'm glad you had the foresight to know having another would help you.

[Anonymous]

Most only children want a sibling.

[Anonymous]

However, only children tend to be smarter than kids with siblings
Source: I'm a teacher.