How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

[Anonymous]

I had forgot how hard it was after 7 years. But also, the kid wasn't hard, my partner was.
Next partner was very hands on and later super controlling. I ended up without either kid as both men kept the kids.
I got plenty of grown up time soon after.
Told my boys that they can easily skip having kids. Mostly because relationships are hard.
I did get both of them back though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The baby stage was hard for me, but I knew I wanted more than one. Now I have two in elementary and they are great little people. They can eat, sleep, bathe, and entertain themselves. I would never go back to having a baby at this point, so it’s good I had them fairly close together.

How close together did you have them?

They are about 2.5 years apart, two grades in school. It’s worked well for us. By the time the second was born my first was potty trained, sleeping well, etc but we were still in baby/toddler mode. If we had waited another 2 years I might not have been willing to go back.

[Anonymous]

I think some people genuinely love babies— but they are in the minority. Some people accidentally get pregnant with another, of course.

But I think most people just “want” more kids. I say “want” because I think a lot of people either: 1) don’t actually seriously consider the option of not having more 2) have a contract-like agreement with their spouse about how many children they’ll have so they move on behalf of that default understanding or 3) have an ingrained, un-challenged assumption that once you have one child, you have another if you can.

There is also a contingent of people who see the baby phase as a “short term loss” for “long term gain” of having another kid and will admit that they don’t really feel like doing all the baby rigamarole but see it as a long term investment in the family they want. I think that one sounds logical but is actually magical thinking. You’ll have the family you want just because you have the NUMBER of kids you imagined? What if one dies when they’re 16? What if one is dependent on you for life? What if one becomes estranged as an adult?

I don’t know. That’s how I see people go about it. I have one child. Couldn’t imagine going through it again.

[Anonymous]

Different people want different things and that's ok. But I'm with you OP! I love my one and done. She's the love of my life, and I'm so grateful I still get to have a life

[Anonymous]

I hated the baby phase with the first kid, but loved it with the second. You change over time. I didn’t want another one until my first was 2ish. Then I started wanting a second.

[Anonymous]

When I had a 2 year-old, I gave birth to twins. My first was a very difficult baby, toddler and preschooler. On top of that I had twin babies to manage. I had my hands full for many years and they weren't that much fun.

But now I have one 16-year old and two 14-year-olds. I am now living with amazing young adults and every minute of it was worth it. They will be young adults and adults for much longer than they are babies and small children. It is all just a short phase in life. Totally worth the sacrifice!

[Anonymous]

I wonder the same thing. I'm not a baby person or a kid person in generaL, and I rate myself pretty high on the selfishness continuum - I freely admit it. I had one and I love that one with all my heart. That's it!

[Anonymous]

I had two because I felt the family was not complete after the first and did after the second (also my hormones were INSANE - they were driving me to have that second like crazy. The family still laughs how I declared a week out of the hospital that I want six.)

I had a terrible recovery period after my first and landed up hospitalized and still wanted a second. I had an easy recovery after the second but felt I was done. Answer is people are different and want different things.

[Anonymous]

my baby fever was always strongest while i still had a baby--at 3 or 4 months, seeing my baby growing older gave me pants and made me want another. people are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had two because I felt the family was not complete after the first and did after the second (also my hormones were INSANE - they were driving me to have that second like crazy. The family still laughs how I declared a week out of the hospital that I want six.)

I had a terrible recovery period after my first and landed up hospitalized and still wanted a second. I had an easy recovery after the second but felt I was done. Answer is people are different and want different things.

This is PP, forgot to add they are both teens now and they get along very well but that is not why I had two; I had two because I myself wanted two children. I had no idea if they would like each other - I think having a second kid just so the first will have a sibling is a bit of hopeful thinking.

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t a baby person until I had my baby. The first year really wasn’t that bad for us. I’m sure that had a lot to do with our baby’s temperament but we were able to pretty easily tolerate the baby into our lives and there were parts that were so wonderful (baby snuggles! Smiles and laughs! Watching them learn) that made the changes worth it.

I continued to work PT, which I do think helped things as being alone with baby all day can be pretty isolating.

Things did get rough when we added a colicky #2 when #1 was 21 months though! It was better six months in though.

Not saying that what you are feeling isn’t 100% valid - just making the point that others experience can be really different.

[Anonymous]

Status

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an older child who is an only and there are times when I see families with 2 or more kids and feel a pang of envy. Especially when I see the kids interacting in positive ways and I feel sad my kid will never have a sibling.

But otherwise I'm mostly like you OP. If you are surprised to discover that some of the people who have same-age first kids as you are contemplating having another, wait until they have two and tell you they are having a third. I always smile and say congrats and I'm happy to meet their babies and glad they are getting what they want in life. But my internal monologue in these conversations is aways "what?! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????" Everyone is different but the idea of three children sounds like hell on earth to me and I LOVE being a mom.

To me it was the law of diminishing returns. Like yes, would I love a second (or third) child and would it be amazing to have a parent-child relationship with more people and experience the joy of seeing them grow and become their unique selves? Yes, I have experienced this with my only and it is wonderful and when I see people with babies I think of how they are the beginning of that journey and how lucky they are.

But time is finite. Money is finite. I don't still want to be raising kids when I'm in my late 50s or early 60s. I don't want to have no time for myself or my spouse because our kids take everything. I don't want to constantly be navigating sibling relationships, thinking about how we have to multiply every family outing by x people, etc. I know that if I had 2 or 3 kids, my relationship with my only would be totally different and, if I'm honest, I think less special.

So to me it wasn't worth it. Also I grew up in a big family (4 kids total) and was therefore very familiar with the downsides of a large family and know that kids don't always get along and that parents do not always have enough time and energy to go around. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't what I wanted for my own family.

PP here who has 3 kids - I think this is kind of bull. Of course your relationship with you only kid will be different but it isn't LESS SPECIAL because you have more than one kid.

I had my kids in my early 30s so all 3 kids will be gone to college by the time I am in my early 50s. We are very fortunate to have a high household income and don't have to think too much about multiplying every kids wants by 3. We can afford to do all the outings as a family of 5 without it impacting our budget very much.

[Anonymous]

I love my sibling and wanted my first to have a sibling too. And I was able to enjoy my second baby so much because I was no longer as nervous/worried.