How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had forgot how hard it was after 7 years. But also, the kid wasn't hard, my partner was.
Next partner was very hands on and later super controlling. I ended up without either kid as both men kept the kids.
I got plenty of grown up time soon after.
Told my boys that they can easily skip having kids. Mostly because relationships are hard.
I did get both of them back though.

Just what every kid wants to hear from their mom. Wow.

[Anonymous]

I have friends with 12 kids and seem not be deterred in life. OP is atypical and just spouting off one opinion not shared by many. A little over 2 children per family is needed to keep the population at an even rate. There are many reasons why people want more than one. Not listing them all. Dumb post.

[Anonymous]

Having a second was so, so much easier. Not because they were an easier baby. I was just so much more experienced. It is not like having two first children.

The other thing is, you really cannot experience what it is like to parent two kids the same with two very different results, hence you live in this illusory world of so much control.

But honestly, I didn't really think about having a second, I just knew that I would. We did stop at two, and while it would have been nice to have three older kids now, I just totally couldn't handle going through baby stage for the third time. Like, at all.

[Anonymous]

I had a rough postpartum experience that leveled off at the 1-year mark. Meanwhile our firstborn is basically a unicorn: she was not very fussy, hit her milestones on time, and took to solids like a champ. By 18 months, we were just so in love with her that it was easy to imagine that we could do it all again.

Basically our older kid tricked us into having the second kid. I wouldn't trade our two for the world, but our second one was very different from the first. All part of the adventure I suppose!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people genuinely love babies— but they are in the minority. Some people accidentally get pregnant with another, of course.

But I think most people just “want” more kids. I say “want” because I think a lot of people either: 1) don’t actually seriously consider the option of not having more 2) have a contract-like agreement with their spouse about how many children they’ll have so they move on behalf of that default understanding or 3) have an ingrained, un-challenged assumption that once you have one child, you have another if you can.

There is also a contingent of people who see the baby phase as a “short term loss” for “long term gain” of having another kid and will admit that they don’t really feel like doing all the baby rigamarole but see it as a long term investment in the family they want. I think that one sounds logical but is actually magical thinking. You’ll have the family you want just because you have the NUMBER of kids you imagined? What if one dies when they’re 16? What if one is dependent on you for life? What if one becomes estranged as an adult?

I don’t know. That’s how I see people go about it. I have one child. Couldn’t imagine going through it again.

Ultimately anyone who has any number of kids is taking a chance and hoping to get lucky when they have kids. Your one child could die or become disabled anytime also, but you obviously knew that and went ahead and had one.

[Anonymous]

I LOVE babies. I love every stage of a child's life. Mine are now 19 and 14, OP, boy and girl.

The only thing that I didn't like about my parenting journey was the actual birth. Painful! I took me FOUR YEARS to forget the traumatic birth of my first, and to try for my second!

But pregnancy was great (albeit cut short by premature births), breastfeeding was great, and the actual children are adorable I don't mind diapers, or being woken up multiple times a night, or any of the mess. I don't mind teenage angst. We did nearly get heart attacks when teaching our oldest to drive - not looking forward to teaching the second.

If I could have more children, I would.

[Anonymous]

Having help makes a huge difference. Are your friends doing it all themselves? I hired a part-time sitter for my twins and it saved my sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people genuinely love babies— but they are in the minority. Some people accidentally get pregnant with another, of course.

But I think most people just “want” more kids. I say “want” because I think a lot of people either: 1) don’t actually seriously consider the option of not having more 2) have a contract-like agreement with their spouse about how many children they’ll have so they move on behalf of that default understanding or 3) have an ingrained, un-challenged assumption that once you have one child, you have another if you can.

There is also a contingent of people who see the baby phase as a “short term loss” for “long term gain” of having another kid and will admit that they don’t really feel like doing all the baby rigamarole but see it as a long term investment in the family they want. I think that one sounds logical but is actually magical thinking. You’ll have the family you want just because you have the NUMBER of kids you imagined? What if one dies when they’re 16? What if one is dependent on you for life? What if one becomes estranged as an adult?

I don’t know. That’s how I see people go about it. I have one child. Couldn’t imagine going through it again.

Ultimately anyone who has any number of kids is taking a chance and hoping to get lucky when they have kids. Your one child could die or become disabled anytime also, but you obviously knew that and went ahead and had one.

Right. I have a problem with the logic, not the decision. I had a child because I wanted a child. If they die, they die. I still wanted to birth and raise a child.

But when people make the “short term sacrifice for long term gain” argument for having more children I see that as a logical fallacy. If they want another child, they should have one. But they shouldn’t have another child based on a hypothetical imagined future family that will “pay off” once the kids are X age, or grown, or whatever. It may “pay off,” but it also may not. Have a child because you want to go through the whole experience—knowing you can’t predict what that will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends with 12 kids and seem not be deterred in life. OP is atypical and just spouting off one opinion not shared by many. A little over 2 children per family is needed to keep the population at an even rate. There are many reasons why people want more than one. Not listing them all. Dumb post.

There are plenty of people that wouldn't want 12 and plenty that wouldn't want one. Good thing we can choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I LOVE babies. I love every stage of a child's life. Mine are now 19 and 14, OP, boy and girl.

The only thing that I didn't like about my parenting journey was the actual birth. Painful! I took me FOUR YEARS to forget the traumatic birth of my first, and to try for my second!

But pregnancy was great (albeit cut short by premature births), breastfeeding was great, and the actual children are adorable I don't mind diapers, or being woken up multiple times a night, or any of the mess. I don't mind teenage angst. We did nearly get heart attacks when teaching our oldest to drive - not looking forward to teaching the second.

If I could have more children, I would.

I did not have any help at all - our families live abroad and at the time we had not money to outsource anything. But I just love being a parent. It's perfectly fine if you don't love it, OP, or if you only like it in small quantities. Everyone is different. I've already told my kids that barring health issues, I will gladly care for their children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends with 12 kids and seem not be deterred in life. OP is atypical and just spouting off one opinion not shared by many. A little over 2 children per family is needed to keep the population at an even rate. There are many reasons why people want more than one. Not listing them all. Dumb post.

There are plenty of people that wouldn't want 12 and plenty that wouldn't want one. Good thing we can choose.

I wonder, if you went back in time to a time when it was much harder for people to chose how many women would agree with that statement.

Not judging. Legitimately wondering if we moderns miss out on anything by having the ability to chose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends with 12 kids and seem not be deterred in life. OP is atypical and just spouting off one opinion not shared by many. A little over 2 children per family is needed to keep the population at an even rate. There are many reasons why people want more than one. Not listing them all. Dumb post.

There are plenty of people that wouldn't want 12 and plenty that wouldn't want one. Good thing we can choose.

We can which makes OP's question all the more perplexing. For one, we can choose. For another, humans have been around for centuries and have had more than one child. It's an extremely immature question posed by an immature person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends with 12 kids and seem not be deterred in life. OP is atypical and just spouting off one opinion not shared by many. A little over 2 children per family is needed to keep the population at an even rate. There are many reasons why people want more than one. Not listing them all. Dumb post.

There are plenty of people that wouldn't want 12 and plenty that wouldn't want one. Good thing we can choose.

We can which makes OP's question all the more perplexing. For one, we can choose. For another, humans have been around for centuries and have had more than one child. It's an extremely immature question posed by an immature person.

It's put either one of two ways:

- I am curious about having additional children but I want people to talk me into it/convince me it's worth it when right now I'm not thrilled with being a SAHM or:

- I truly cannot imagine having another child and I want you to explain to me how you can, because I'm utterly baffled and you guys with multiple kids are basically an anthropological study to me.

[Anonymous]

Not a baby person whatsoever - I found it isolating, relentless, tiring, and stressful. I never even held a baby let alone changed a diaper before my first was born. But I liked the idea of having school age children and adult children. With #1, I was living hours away from friends/family (dh was in residency) and we didn't have a lot of money or help. It was tough. I went back to work 3 days a week when baby was 4 months old, and that helped a lot. Baby 1 was pretty easy (and a very precocious/mature toddler), so we had Baby 2 not too long afterwards. She was a nightmare so we thought we were done. But then we all got through all of that, baby 2 became a "real" person, and I had a 3rd when she was in K. My 3rd was my easiest, sweetest, perfect sleeping baby. I also went back to work right at 12 weeks - FT (albeit an easy job, 35 hrs/ week) - because I didn't have it in me anymore to change diapers and deal with nap schedules and play peekaboo and do tummy time and clean bottles... I needed an office with a door to close so I could read the news or just engage my mind in peace. DH and I sometimes wonder, what were we thinking - we could have gotten baby 2 again. But now the kids are in K - 7th and it basically just keeps getting better each year. It's so fun seeing them develop their own unique selves.

[Anonymous]

Some people are baby people, some people are not baby people. I wanted a second immediately, DH did not. By the time our first child was 2, he could see that it got much better and we had our second when our first was 3. THANK GOD. My girls adore each other and are best friends. They're in high school now and #2 will be DEVASTATED next year when her big sister leaves for college. It's been a godsend having two - they have entertained each other since they were about 5 and 2 years old. It takes such a load off of us as parents.