How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

In most larger households, the eldest girl usually is the leader/becomes the de facto mother. Women with 4 kids or more usually checked out a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:However, only children tend to be smarter than kids with siblings
Source: I'm a teacher.

I’m one of four. Two of us went to ivies and two of us went to a top tier non Ivy. My mom was very on top of our education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

Is this the teacher? What grade do you teach?

IME working as a counselor with kids of various ages, it's common for preschool and early elementary kids who are onlies to wish they had siblings, but way less common to hear this from tweens and teens. Little kids want siblings because they want built-in playmates.

Some families are dysfunctional, and an only child in a dysfunctional family might long for a sibling, who they envision as an ally in navigating family challenges. But my observation is that in dysfunctional families with siblings, it rarely works that way. The sibling relationships wind up being dysfunctional as well. It's just hard and lonely being in a dysfunctional family -- it being larger doesn't ease that and could make it worse in some cases.

But in functional families, tweens and teens who are onlies virtually never talk about wanting a sibling. By this age they see some of the advantages of being an only and they no longer crave a playmate. Teens tend to highly value independence and crave being treated more like adults as they near actual adulthood. Only children in functional families (so no overbearing parents or couples using their child as a go between or anything like that) tend to get both of those things. I've never encountered a child for whom being an only caused problems. Nor have I met kids for whom having a sibling caused problems (that wouldn't have been there even without the siblings). The one caveat is that I have worked with families where the parents were overwhelmed and struggling to parent and more kids can make that harder. It's just logistically challenging and not everyone is cut out for it. But even with this, it is often other issues (financial difficulties, marital problems) that are the true source of the problems. Not simply the existence of another child.

I really haven't seen any evidence that having or not having siblings is itself a deciding factor for raising well-adjusted kids. I might even go so far as to say it's irrelevant in most cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

Is this the teacher? What grade do you teach?

IME working as a counselor with kids of various ages, it's common for preschool and early elementary kids who are onlies to wish they had siblings, but way less common to hear this from tweens and teens. Little kids want siblings because they want built-in playmates.

Some families are dysfunctional, and an only child in a dysfunctional family might long for a sibling, who they envision as an ally in navigating family challenges. But my observation is that in dysfunctional families with siblings, it rarely works that way. The sibling relationships wind up being dysfunctional as well. It's just hard and lonely being in a dysfunctional family -- it being larger doesn't ease that and could make it worse in some cases.

But in functional families, tweens and teens who are onlies virtually never talk about wanting a sibling. By this age they see some of the advantages of being an only and they no longer crave a playmate. Teens tend to highly value independence and crave being treated more like adults as they near actual adulthood. Only children in functional families (so no overbearing parents or couples using their child as a go between or anything like that) tend to get both of those things. I've never encountered a child for whom being an only caused problems. Nor have I met kids for whom having a sibling caused problems (that wouldn't have been there even without the siblings). The one caveat is that I have worked with families where the parents were overwhelmed and struggling to parent and more kids can make that harder. It's just logistically challenging and not everyone is cut out for it. But even with this, it is often other issues (financial difficulties, marital problems) that are the true source of the problems. Not simply the existence of another child.

I really haven't seen any evidence that having or not having siblings is itself a deciding factor for raising well-adjusted kids. I might even go so far as to say it's irrelevant in most cases.

I pretty much agree with this. The one thing left out in this analysis, though, is how only children fare as adults. I have actually met several only children who felt lonely and had a really hard time with aging and dying parents. And having gone through this with both my and my husband’s parents, we agree that having siblings is very helpful and important in this stage of life.

I hate my (violent, mentally ill) closest in age sibling, and he was a consistent net negative throughout my childhood. But my oldest siblings are incredibly important to me as an adult. This factored into our decision whether to have more than one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

Is this the teacher? What grade do you teach?

IME working as a counselor with kids of various ages, it's common for preschool and early elementary kids who are onlies to wish they had siblings, but way less common to hear this from tweens and teens. Little kids want siblings because they want built-in playmates.

Some families are dysfunctional, and an only child in a dysfunctional family might long for a sibling, who they envision as an ally in navigating family challenges. But my observation is that in dysfunctional families with siblings, it rarely works that way. The sibling relationships wind up being dysfunctional as well. It's just hard and lonely being in a dysfunctional family -- it being larger doesn't ease that and could make it worse in some cases.

But in functional families, tweens and teens who are onlies virtually never talk about wanting a sibling. By this age they see some of the advantages of being an only and they no longer crave a playmate. Teens tend to highly value independence and crave being treated more like adults as they near actual adulthood. Only children in functional families (so no overbearing parents or couples using their child as a go between or anything like that) tend to get both of those things. I've never encountered a child for whom being an only caused problems. Nor have I met kids for whom having a sibling caused problems (that wouldn't have been there even without the siblings). The one caveat is that I have worked with families where the parents were overwhelmed and struggling to parent and more kids can make that harder. It's just logistically challenging and not everyone is cut out for it. But even with this, it is often other issues (financial difficulties, marital problems) that are the true source of the problems. Not simply the existence of another child.

I really haven't seen any evidence that having or not having siblings is itself a deciding factor for raising well-adjusted kids. I might even go so far as to say it's irrelevant in most cases.

I pretty much agree with this. The one thing left out in this analysis, though, is how only children fare as adults. I have actually met several only children who felt lonely and had a really hard time with aging and dying parents. And having gone through this with both my and my husband’s parents, we agree that having siblings is very helpful and important in this stage of life.

I hate my (violent, mentally ill) closest in age sibling, and he was a consistent net negative throughout my childhood. But my oldest siblings are incredibly important to me as an adult. This factored into our decision whether to have more than one child.

And yet, there are many people whose siblings didn't help at all or made the situation so much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

Is this the teacher? What grade do you teach?

IME working as a counselor with kids of various ages, it's common for preschool and early elementary kids who are onlies to wish they had siblings, but way less common to hear this from tweens and teens. Little kids want siblings because they want built-in playmates.

Some families are dysfunctional, and an only child in a dysfunctional family might long for a sibling, who they envision as an ally in navigating family challenges. But my observation is that in dysfunctional families with siblings, it rarely works that way. The sibling relationships wind up being dysfunctional as well. It's just hard and lonely being in a dysfunctional family -- it being larger doesn't ease that and could make it worse in some cases.

But in functional families, tweens and teens who are onlies virtually never talk about wanting a sibling. By this age they see some of the advantages of being an only and they no longer crave a playmate. Teens tend to highly value independence and crave being treated more like adults as they near actual adulthood. Only children in functional families (so no overbearing parents or couples using their child as a go between or anything like that) tend to get both of those things. I've never encountered a child for whom being an only caused problems. Nor have I met kids for whom having a sibling caused problems (that wouldn't have been there even without the siblings). The one caveat is that I have worked with families where the parents were overwhelmed and struggling to parent and more kids can make that harder. It's just logistically challenging and not everyone is cut out for it. But even with this, it is often other issues (financial difficulties, marital problems) that are the true source of the problems. Not simply the existence of another child.

I really haven't seen any evidence that having or not having siblings is itself a deciding factor for raising well-adjusted kids. I might even go so far as to say it's irrelevant in most cases.

I pretty much agree with this. The one thing left out in this analysis, though, is how only children fare as adults. I have actually met several only children who felt lonely and had a really hard time with aging and dying parents. And having gone through this with both my and my husband’s parents, we agree that having siblings is very helpful and important in this stage of life.

I hate my (violent, mentally ill) closest in age sibling, and he was a consistent net negative throughout my childhood. But my oldest siblings are incredibly important to me as an adult. This factored into our decision whether to have more than one child.

And yet, there are many people whose siblings didn't help at all or made the situation so much worse.

+1 DH and I both have siblings who have made dealing with aging parents much, much harder. Including one who is engaging in borderline elder abuse. I know people whose siblings are a huge source of support but I also know others like use where the siblings are a major source of conflict and make things difficult.

I also have one close friend who is an only child and is very close to her aging parents and has told me that to her it is a relief to her that she has no siblings because it simplifies things. She has never expressed loneliness regarding the situation. I sense she is pretty independent in general and wonder if that is also a function of being an only child? I don't know.

The point is that it can go both ways no matter the family set up. So the point still stands: having or not having a siblings is really not the determining factor in whether you are happy or fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

Is this the teacher? What grade do you teach?

IME working as a counselor with kids of various ages, it's common for preschool and early elementary kids who are onlies to wish they had siblings, but way less common to hear this from tweens and teens. Little kids want siblings because they want built-in playmates.

Some families are dysfunctional, and an only child in a dysfunctional family might long for a sibling, who they envision as an ally in navigating family challenges. But my observation is that in dysfunctional families with siblings, it rarely works that way. The sibling relationships wind up being dysfunctional as well. It's just hard and lonely being in a dysfunctional family -- it being larger doesn't ease that and could make it worse in some cases.

But in functional families, tweens and teens who are onlies virtually never talk about wanting a sibling. By this age they see some of the advantages of being an only and they no longer crave a playmate. Teens tend to highly value independence and crave being treated more like adults as they near actual adulthood. Only children in functional families (so no overbearing parents or couples using their child as a go between or anything like that) tend to get both of those things. I've never encountered a child for whom being an only caused problems. Nor have I met kids for whom having a sibling caused problems (that wouldn't have been there even without the siblings). The one caveat is that I have worked with families where the parents were overwhelmed and struggling to parent and more kids can make that harder. It's just logistically challenging and not everyone is cut out for it. But even with this, it is often other issues (financial difficulties, marital problems) that are the true source of the problems. Not simply the existence of another child.

I really haven't seen any evidence that having or not having siblings is itself a deciding factor for raising well-adjusted kids. I might even go so far as to say it's irrelevant in most cases.

Sorry but what a load of BS. Teens who are onlies don’t still talk about wanting a sibling because by that age, they get it that they aren’t getting one and they try to move on with their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

Is this the teacher? What grade do you teach?

IME working as a counselor with kids of various ages, it's common for preschool and early elementary kids who are onlies to wish they had siblings, but way less common to hear this from tweens and teens. Little kids want siblings because they want built-in playmates.

Some families are dysfunctional, and an only child in a dysfunctional family might long for a sibling, who they envision as an ally in navigating family challenges. But my observation is that in dysfunctional families with siblings, it rarely works that way. The sibling relationships wind up being dysfunctional as well. It's just hard and lonely being in a dysfunctional family -- it being larger doesn't ease that and could make it worse in some cases.

But in functional families, tweens and teens who are onlies virtually never talk about wanting a sibling. By this age they see some of the advantages of being an only and they no longer crave a playmate. Teens tend to highly value independence and crave being treated more like adults as they near actual adulthood. Only children in functional families (so no overbearing parents or couples using their child as a go between or anything like that) tend to get both of those things. I've never encountered a child for whom being an only caused problems. Nor have I met kids for whom having a sibling caused problems (that wouldn't have been there even without the siblings). The one caveat is that I have worked with families where the parents were overwhelmed and struggling to parent and more kids can make that harder. It's just logistically challenging and not everyone is cut out for it. But even with this, it is often other issues (financial difficulties, marital problems) that are the true source of the problems. Not simply the existence of another child.

I really haven't seen any evidence that having or not having siblings is itself a deciding factor for raising well-adjusted kids. I might even go so far as to say it's irrelevant in most cases.

Sorry but what a load of BS. Teens who are onlies don’t still talk about wanting a sibling because by that age, they get it that they aren’t getting one and they try to move on with their lives.

A close friend and my SIL are both only children. They both say they would have liked siblings. Neither of their parents could have more children. Neither chose to have only children as adults.

There’s nothing wrong with choosing to have one child, but wouldn’t make blanket statements that none of them wanted siblings long term or would have chosen to be only children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

My 10 year old told me yesterday that she’s glad she doesn’t have a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

My 10 year old told me yesterday that she’s glad she doesn’t have a sibling.

And my child has an 11 year old friend who said yesterday that she wishes she had a sibling. I’m friends with the mother and I know the backstory - they tried to have another but just couldn’t, and the girl used to ask for a sibling but eventually stopped talking about it with them to not make them feel bad.

[Anonymous]

I am an only child for my father and the third/youngest for my mother.

Definitely caused years of rif with one of my siblings ..

[Anonymous]

Some people gave super easy kids. I know someone with 3 under 2 and they all sleep through the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most only children want a sibling.

My 10 year old told me yesterday that she’s glad she doesn’t have a sibling.

And my child has an 11 year old friend who said yesterday that she wishes she had a sibling. I’m friends with the mother and I know the backstory - they tried to have another but just couldn’t, and the girl used to ask for a sibling but eventually stopped talking about it with them to not make them feel bad.

Maybe more common with girls who like playing dress-up and caring for a baby? My 10yo has never expressed a desire for a sibling. Being around with annoying (according to him and his friends) younger siblings has made him realize how good he has it.

[Anonymous]

Only kids will be fine. No parent should have a child they don't want just to "give" their first child a sibling. That's sick.

[Anonymous]

Well my first wasn’t very hard ..my second was the one that might have given me second thoughts lol.

But in general it’s looking forward. Babyhood is only a few years, you have decades with your kids school age and older. And I personally think it’s a little sad to be and have an only child, if it’s not too hard to have more than 1. My hubby and I both grew up with siblings and watching our only children friends navigate being the sole person responsible for aging parents, and not have those sibling connections to childhood and the knowledge of your roots/memories when they pass. I don’t think I could let “babies are hard” be the only reason I have one child (I know ppl have other reasons)