How/why do people have a second (or more?!?!) child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a prescient discussion. I overhead two women talking in a coffee shop yesterday. They had multiple children and one was debating going for a 4th child. And the other woman was urging the other woman to have the fourth, but in the most toxic way possible:

Mom of 4: "You just have to go for it, don't think about it, like my pregnancies were so AWFUL that I prayed for twins because I just could not go through with it again and thank god I did have twins--they run in Ralph's family--and it was so hard but I look at my kids and I'm like yeah I finally have the thanksgiving table i want in 20 years"

Mom of 3: "Your oldest is 7, right?"

Mom of 4: "Yeah, we're almost out of the hard years. And it hasn't been easy. My middle child has sensory issues, she would NOT wear the dress I picked out for the family Christmas card, said it was scratchy. we're getting her evaluated."

Mom of 3: "But I just don't know, it's like, I get a panic attack just thinking about another baby. My parents cannot handle taking care of three at a time for more than like half a day, and my husband works all day out of the house."

Mom of 4: "Oh yeah, my parents are the same way. I told my dad absolutely no fox news on while he's watching my kids. I don't want them picking up bad habits from them."

Mom of 3: "Sometimes I think I might like to go back to work"

Mom of 4: "I work part time while my kids are sleeping, you can, too. You need a break from being the mom, always having to entertain the kids, I feel like I'm bozo the clown some days. Look into working the night shift while your husband watches the kids."

Mom of 3: "I'm 39...I just don't know about starting all over again with a newborn..."

Mom of 4: "Yeah, but it's kind of now or never. Just know that so many things can go wrong and you have to be fully emotionally and spiritually ready to have a special needs baby and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you just have to know that that is your burden and your gift."

Mom of 3: "My mom had 6 kids and she was one of 12 so I don't know why I'm hesitating..."

Mom of 4: Now that I have four, when I look back to when I had just one I was like, "was I even a mom?"

I have definitely also seen this type of logic applied to having more children. I once asked someone how she decided to have more children after her first. She said: “I wasn’t ready at all. I don’t know if you’re ever ready once you know what you have to go through to have a baby. So I just got the IUD out and kind of closed my eyes and did it.”

I mean….ok? I guess that’s one way to go about it. But what if you applied that logic to literally anything else in life? Getting married, for example: meh, I don’t really want to and don’t look forward to this but I guess I’ll just do it! If a friend came to me and told me that was their logic for getting married I’d be like, well, why get married? Maybe it’s not for you. But for whatever reason people see this as a totally acceptable way to decide to have more children.

One reason, I think, is that the social norms and expectations for having more than one child are sneakily strong, especially for people who come from a family of more than 2 children. For some it can feel like a requirement or an imperative to have a family of a certain size. They simply do not question it and actually seem to feel a duty to have a certain number. Another reason is that large families are sort of trendy these days, and some women are susceptible to those currents. I also think some people are impulsive, or at a minimum, not the type of people who sit and interrogate their decisions or have the willingness to change their minds. In a way I’m jealous of those people. What must it be like to not think every little thing through and just act?

It takes a lot of hard work to understand your own decision making in life, and on this issue when the origins and inputs for this particular choice are so convoluted, it’s even harder. Should I have another child?= structure of family of origin + spouse’s family of origin + hormones + personalities of all + long held beliefs that have never been challenged + what your friends are doing + instagram + baby 1’s temperament + your day job and ambitions+ how much support/money you have…the list goes on. There are so many various inputs, I can kind of empathize with why people just make a decision and deal with the consequences afterward.

But, OP, I think the best way to go about this decision is this: you have a child because you want to (or are willing to) go through the WHOLE experience of raising that child. That’s it. And although people go about this decision in other (less logical) ways, I think this is the question you ask yourself to get to the root of what you really want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a prescient discussion. I overhead two women talking in a coffee shop yesterday. They had multiple children and one was debating going for a 4th child. And the other woman was urging the other woman to have the fourth, but in the most toxic way possible:

Mom of 4: "You just have to go for it, don't think about it, like my pregnancies were so AWFUL that I prayed for twins because I just could not go through with it again and thank god I did have twins--they run in Ralph's family--and it was so hard but I look at my kids and I'm like yeah I finally have the thanksgiving table i want in 20 years"

Mom of 3: "Your oldest is 7, right?"

Mom of 4: "Yeah, we're almost out of the hard years. And it hasn't been easy. My middle child has sensory issues, she would NOT wear the dress I picked out for the family Christmas card, said it was scratchy. we're getting her evaluated."

Mom of 3: "But I just don't know, it's like, I get a panic attack just thinking about another baby. My parents cannot handle taking care of three at a time for more than like half a day, and my husband works all day out of the house."

Mom of 4: "Oh yeah, my parents are the same way. I told my dad absolutely no fox news on while he's watching my kids. I don't want them picking up bad habits from them."

Mom of 3: "Sometimes I think I might like to go back to work"

Mom of 4: "I work part time while my kids are sleeping, you can, too. You need a break from being the mom, always having to entertain the kids, I feel like I'm bozo the clown some days. Look into working the night shift while your husband watches the kids."

Mom of 3: "I'm 39...I just don't know about starting all over again with a newborn..."

Mom of 4: "Yeah, but it's kind of now or never. Just know that so many things can go wrong and you have to be fully emotionally and spiritually ready to have a special needs baby and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you just have to know that that is your burden and your gift."

Mom of 3: "My mom had 6 kids and she was one of 12 so I don't know why I'm hesitating..."

Mom of 4: Now that I have four, when I look back to when I had just one I was like, "was I even a mom?"

I have definitely also seen this type of logic applied to having more children. I once asked someone how she decided to have more children after her first. She said: “I wasn’t ready at all. I don’t know if you’re ever ready once you know what you have to go through to have a baby. So I just got the IUD out and kind of closed my eyes and did it.”

I mean….ok? I guess that’s one way to go about it. But what if you applied that logic to literally anything else in life? Getting married, for example: meh, I don’t really want to and don’t look forward to this but I guess I’ll just do it! If a friend came to me and told me that was their logic for getting married I’d be like, well, why get married? Maybe it’s not for you. But for whatever reason people see this as a totally acceptable way to decide to have more children.

One reason, I think, is that the social norms and expectations for having more than one child are sneakily strong, especially for people who come from a family of more than 2 children. For some it can feel like a requirement or an imperative to have a family of a certain size. They simply do not question it and actually seem to feel a duty to have a certain number. Another reason is that large families are sort of trendy these days, and some women are susceptible to those currents. I also think some people are impulsive, or at a minimum, not the type of people who sit and interrogate their decisions or have the willingness to change their minds. In a way I’m jealous of those people. What must it be like to not think every little thing through and just act?

It takes a lot of hard work to understand your own decision making in life, and on this issue when the origins and inputs for this particular choice are so convoluted, it’s even harder. Should I have another child?= structure of family of origin + spouse’s family of origin + hormones + personalities of all + long held beliefs that have never been challenged + what your friends are doing + instagram + baby 1’s temperament + your day job and ambitions+ how much support/money you have…the list goes on. There are so many various inputs, I can kind of empathize with why people just make a decision and deal with the consequences afterward.

But, OP, I think the best way to go about this decision is this: you have a child because you want to (or are willing to) go through the WHOLE experience of raising that child. That’s it. And although people go about this decision in other (less logical) ways, I think this is the question you ask yourself to get to the root of what you really want.

I had anxiety about getting married and before trying to conceive each of my three children. Before buying my home. I have anxiety about every major life decision. Not sure your example is a good one. Plenty of people prone to overthinking or even just adequately considering things are like this. I’d be more concerned if someone didn’t have anxiety before making a life changing decision like a marriage or child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

This is completely valid. My mother in law is like this. She has two kids and I always said she should have had three. My spouse and their sibling were completely coddled in a way that I think has been detrimental to them long term. There are some benefits to coming from a smaller family, but for an intensive parent like this, I think the downsides are prominent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

This is completely valid. My mother in law is like this. She has two kids and I always said she should have had three. My spouse and their sibling were completely coddled in a way that I think has been detrimental to them long term. There are some benefits to coming from a smaller family, but for an intensive parent like this, I think the downsides are prominent.

DP and while this isn't why I have 3, it's part of why I am glad I had 3, if that makes sense. I had them because our family didn't feel complete until the 3rd. Still, like PP said it's helpful that I can't pile all my concern onto a single child, or even 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a prescient discussion. I overhead two women talking in a coffee shop yesterday. They had multiple children and one was debating going for a 4th child. And the other woman was urging the other woman to have the fourth, but in the most toxic way possible:

Mom of 4: "You just have to go for it, don't think about it, like my pregnancies were so AWFUL that I prayed for twins because I just could not go through with it again and thank god I did have twins--they run in Ralph's family--and it was so hard but I look at my kids and I'm like yeah I finally have the thanksgiving table i want in 20 years"

Mom of 3: "Your oldest is 7, right?"

Mom of 4: "Yeah, we're almost out of the hard years. And it hasn't been easy. My middle child has sensory issues, she would NOT wear the dress I picked out for the family Christmas card, said it was scratchy. we're getting her evaluated."

Mom of 3: "But I just don't know, it's like, I get a panic attack just thinking about another baby. My parents cannot handle taking care of three at a time for more than like half a day, and my husband works all day out of the house."

Mom of 4: "Oh yeah, my parents are the same way. I told my dad absolutely no fox news on while he's watching my kids. I don't want them picking up bad habits from them."

Mom of 3: "Sometimes I think I might like to go back to work"

Mom of 4: "I work part time while my kids are sleeping, you can, too. You need a break from being the mom, always having to entertain the kids, I feel like I'm bozo the clown some days. Look into working the night shift while your husband watches the kids."

Mom of 3: "I'm 39...I just don't know about starting all over again with a newborn..."

Mom of 4: "Yeah, but it's kind of now or never. Just know that so many things can go wrong and you have to be fully emotionally and spiritually ready to have a special needs baby and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you just have to know that that is your burden and your gift."

Mom of 3: "My mom had 6 kids and she was one of 12 so I don't know why I'm hesitating..."

Mom of 4: Now that I have four, when I look back to when I had just one I was like, "was I even a mom?"

I have definitely also seen this type of logic applied to having more children. I once asked someone how she decided to have more children after her first. She said: “I wasn’t ready at all. I don’t know if you’re ever ready once you know what you have to go through to have a baby. So I just got the IUD out and kind of closed my eyes and did it.”

I mean….ok? I guess that’s one way to go about it. But what if you applied that logic to literally anything else in life? Getting married, for example: meh, I don’t really want to and don’t look forward to this but I guess I’ll just do it! If a friend came to me and told me that was their logic for getting married I’d be like, well, why get married? Maybe it’s not for you. But for whatever reason people see this as a totally acceptable way to decide to have more children.

One reason, I think, is that the social norms and expectations for having more than one child are sneakily strong, especially for people who come from a family of more than 2 children. For some it can feel like a requirement or an imperative to have a family of a certain size. They simply do not question it and actually seem to feel a duty to have a certain number. Another reason is that large families are sort of trendy these days, and some women are susceptible to those currents. I also think some people are impulsive, or at a minimum, not the type of people who sit and interrogate their decisions or have the willingness to change their minds. In a way I’m jealous of those people. What must it be like to not think every little thing through and just act?

It takes a lot of hard work to understand your own decision making in life, and on this issue when the origins and inputs for this particular choice are so convoluted, it’s even harder. Should I have another child?= structure of family of origin + spouse’s family of origin + hormones + personalities of all + long held beliefs that have never been challenged + what your friends are doing + instagram + baby 1’s temperament + your day job and ambitions+ how much support/money you have…the list goes on. There are so many various inputs, I can kind of empathize with why people just make a decision and deal with the consequences afterward.

But, OP, I think the best way to go about this decision is this: you have a child because you want to (or are willing to) go through the WHOLE experience of raising that child. That’s it. And although people go about this decision in other (less logical) ways, I think this is the question you ask yourself to get to the root of what you really want.

I had anxiety about getting married and before trying to conceive each of my three children. Before buying my home. I have anxiety about every major life decision. Not sure your example is a good one. Plenty of people prone to overthinking or even just adequately considering things are like this. I’d be more concerned if someone didn’t have anxiety before making a life changing decision like a marriage or child.

Sure, but having anxiety is not the same thing as not wanting to do something and then doing it anyway. I’m assuming when you asked yourself “do I want to go through this whole experience do this even though I’m worried about it?” Your answer was yes. For the person who said “I wasn’t ready but I just closed my eyes and did it,” is not the same as “I am worried about this but I also feel in my gut that this is what I want.” Perhaps they weren’t expressing themselves clearly and the latter is really what they meant to say. But I’ve encountered the former line of logic more than once—and it even appears on this thread. Each time I encounter it I wonder what’s underneath there.

Anxiety about a wedding is one thing. Anxiety about who you are getting married to is another. One I would push through, the other I would not ignore. Same thing with the baby question. Some worries may be worth pushing through, some may need to be given space to figure out a path forward.

[Anonymous]

I am so happy with my one kid. I am not anxious or Type A though -- I don't expect my only to be a perfect kid and don't really have a problem letting her be her own person or giving her space.

Actually that's one reason I think we are so happy with one -- I also like my space.

I'm happy for anyone who has 2 or more kids and is happy with their choice but I love being a mom of an only. It is perfect *for me.* I had a brief period where hormones were like "have another kid!" but my brain was like "slow your roll" and I'm glad I listened to my brain because my hormones shifted and within a couple years the thought of another pregnancy or going through the infant stage sounded awful to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a prescient discussion. I overhead two women talking in a coffee shop yesterday. They had multiple children and one was debating going for a 4th child. And the other woman was urging the other woman to have the fourth, but in the most toxic way possible:

Mom of 4: "You just have to go for it, don't think about it, like my pregnancies were so AWFUL that I prayed for twins because I just could not go through with it again and thank god I did have twins--they run in Ralph's family--and it was so hard but I look at my kids and I'm like yeah I finally have the thanksgiving table i want in 20 years"

Mom of 3: "Your oldest is 7, right?"

Mom of 4: "Yeah, we're almost out of the hard years. And it hasn't been easy. My middle child has sensory issues, she would NOT wear the dress I picked out for the family Christmas card, said it was scratchy. we're getting her evaluated."

Mom of 3: "But I just don't know, it's like, I get a panic attack just thinking about another baby. My parents cannot handle taking care of three at a time for more than like half a day, and my husband works all day out of the house."

Mom of 4: "Oh yeah, my parents are the same way. I told my dad absolutely no fox news on while he's watching my kids. I don't want them picking up bad habits from them."

Mom of 3: "Sometimes I think I might like to go back to work"

Mom of 4: "I work part time while my kids are sleeping, you can, too. You need a break from being the mom, always having to entertain the kids, I feel like I'm bozo the clown some days. Look into working the night shift while your husband watches the kids."

Mom of 3: "I'm 39...I just don't know about starting all over again with a newborn..."

Mom of 4: "Yeah, but it's kind of now or never. Just know that so many things can go wrong and you have to be fully emotionally and spiritually ready to have a special needs baby and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you just have to know that that is your burden and your gift."

Mom of 3: "My mom had 6 kids and she was one of 12 so I don't know why I'm hesitating..."

Mom of 4: Now that I have four, when I look back to when I had just one I was like, "was I even a mom?"

I have definitely also seen this type of logic applied to having more children. I once asked someone how she decided to have more children after her first. She said: “I wasn’t ready at all. I don’t know if you’re ever ready once you know what you have to go through to have a baby. So I just got the IUD out and kind of closed my eyes and did it.”

I mean….ok? I guess that’s one way to go about it. But what if you applied that logic to literally anything else in life? Getting married, for example: meh, I don’t really want to and don’t look forward to this but I guess I’ll just do it! If a friend came to me and told me that was their logic for getting married I’d be like, well, why get married? Maybe it’s not for you. But for whatever reason people see this as a totally acceptable way to decide to have more children.

One reason, I think, is that the social norms and expectations for having more than one child are sneakily strong, especially for people who come from a family of more than 2 children. For some it can feel like a requirement or an imperative to have a family of a certain size. They simply do not question it and actually seem to feel a duty to have a certain number. Another reason is that large families are sort of trendy these days, and some women are susceptible to those currents. I also think some people are impulsive, or at a minimum, not the type of people who sit and interrogate their decisions or have the willingness to change their minds. In a way I’m jealous of those people. What must it be like to not think every little thing through and just act?

It takes a lot of hard work to understand your own decision making in life, and on this issue when the origins and inputs for this particular choice are so convoluted, it’s even harder. Should I have another child?= structure of family of origin + spouse’s family of origin + hormones + personalities of all + long held beliefs that have never been challenged + what your friends are doing + instagram + baby 1’s temperament + your day job and ambitions+ how much support/money you have…the list goes on. There are so many various inputs, I can kind of empathize with why people just make a decision and deal with the consequences afterward.

But, OP, I think the best way to go about this decision is this: you have a child because you want to (or are willing to) go through the WHOLE experience of raising that child. That’s it. And although people go about this decision in other (less logical) ways, I think this is the question you ask yourself to get to the root of what you really want.

I had anxiety about getting married and before trying to conceive each of my three children. Before buying my home. I have anxiety about every major life decision. Not sure your example is a good one. Plenty of people prone to overthinking or even just adequately considering things are like this. I’d be more concerned if someone didn’t have anxiety before making a life changing decision like a marriage or child.

Sure, but having anxiety is not the same thing as not wanting to do something and then doing it anyway. I’m assuming when you asked yourself “do I want to go through this whole experience do this even though I’m worried about it?” Your answer was yes. For the person who said “I wasn’t ready but I just closed my eyes and did it,” is not the same as “I am worried about this but I also feel in my gut that this is what I want.” Perhaps they weren’t expressing themselves clearly and the latter is really what they meant to say. But I’ve encountered the former line of logic more than once—and it even appears on this thread. Each time I encounter it I wonder what’s underneath there.

Anxiety about a wedding is one thing. Anxiety about who you are getting married to is another. One I would push through, the other I would not ignore. Same thing with the baby question. Some worries may be worth pushing through, some may need to be given space to figure out a path forward.

Agree with this. And I think specifically related to the pressure people exert on people -- there is way more pressure on people to just ignore worries and fears and "go for" another kid (or the first kid) than there is to do the same with marriage. If I'd told a friend before I got married that I just didn't feel ready or still had doubts if this was the right choice for me, I feel pretty confident most of my friends would have said, "Then don't! Put it off. This is a big decision and there is no reason to jump into if you don't feel ready."

But I had many friends and especially family members push me to have kids before I was ready, and to have more kids when I expressed reluctance about it. For some reason I never felt pressure from married friends to also be married, but I often felt pressure from friends with kids to have kids, and then to have the same number of kids as they have. I'm guess people just want the connection of that shared experience but it's not a good reason to push someone else to have children. I have several friends with three kids and that would be a very bad choice for me. Not to mention that they have a lot more family support and were younger when they started having kids. So while I'm happy for them that they got the family they wanted, I have no desire to emulate it and I resented the pressure to have more kids when I knew it wasn't right for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a prescient discussion. I overhead two women talking in a coffee shop yesterday. They had multiple children and one was debating going for a 4th child. And the other woman was urging the other woman to have the fourth, but in the most toxic way possible:

Mom of 4: "You just have to go for it, don't think about it, like my pregnancies were so AWFUL that I prayed for twins because I just could not go through with it again and thank god I did have twins--they run in Ralph's family--and it was so hard but I look at my kids and I'm like yeah I finally have the thanksgiving table i want in 20 years"

Mom of 3: "Your oldest is 7, right?"

Mom of 4: "Yeah, we're almost out of the hard years. And it hasn't been easy. My middle child has sensory issues, she would NOT wear the dress I picked out for the family Christmas card, said it was scratchy. we're getting her evaluated."

Mom of 3: "But I just don't know, it's like, I get a panic attack just thinking about another baby. My parents cannot handle taking care of three at a time for more than like half a day, and my husband works all day out of the house."

Mom of 4: "Oh yeah, my parents are the same way. I told my dad absolutely no fox news on while he's watching my kids. I don't want them picking up bad habits from them."

Mom of 3: "Sometimes I think I might like to go back to work"

Mom of 4: "I work part time while my kids are sleeping, you can, too. You need a break from being the mom, always having to entertain the kids, I feel like I'm bozo the clown some days. Look into working the night shift while your husband watches the kids."

Mom of 3: "I'm 39...I just don't know about starting all over again with a newborn..."

Mom of 4: "Yeah, but it's kind of now or never. Just know that so many things can go wrong and you have to be fully emotionally and spiritually ready to have a special needs baby and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you just have to know that that is your burden and your gift."

Mom of 3: "My mom had 6 kids and she was one of 12 so I don't know why I'm hesitating..."

Mom of 4: Now that I have four, when I look back to when I had just one I was like, "was I even a mom?"

I have definitely also seen this type of logic applied to having more children. I once asked someone how she decided to have more children after her first. She said: “I wasn’t ready at all. I don’t know if you’re ever ready once you know what you have to go through to have a baby. So I just got the IUD out and kind of closed my eyes and did it.”

I mean….ok? I guess that’s one way to go about it. But what if you applied that logic to literally anything else in life? Getting married, for example: meh, I don’t really want to and don’t look forward to this but I guess I’ll just do it! If a friend came to me and told me that was their logic for getting married I’d be like, well, why get married? Maybe it’s not for you. But for whatever reason people see this as a totally acceptable way to decide to have more children.

One reason, I think, is that the social norms and expectations for having more than one child are sneakily strong, especially for people who come from a family of more than 2 children. For some it can feel like a requirement or an imperative to have a family of a certain size. They simply do not question it and actually seem to feel a duty to have a certain number. Another reason is that large families are sort of trendy these days, and some women are susceptible to those currents. I also think some people are impulsive, or at a minimum, not the type of people who sit and interrogate their decisions or have the willingness to change their minds. In a way I’m jealous of those people. What must it be like to not think every little thing through and just act?

It takes a lot of hard work to understand your own decision making in life, and on this issue when the origins and inputs for this particular choice are so convoluted, it’s even harder. Should I have another child?= structure of family of origin + spouse’s family of origin + hormones + personalities of all + long held beliefs that have never been challenged + what your friends are doing + instagram + baby 1’s temperament + your day job and ambitions+ how much support/money you have…the list goes on. There are so many various inputs, I can kind of empathize with why people just make a decision and deal with the consequences afterward.

But, OP, I think the best way to go about this decision is this: you have a child because you want to (or are willing to) go through the WHOLE experience of raising that child. That’s it. And although people go about this decision in other (less logical) ways, I think this is the question you ask yourself to get to the root of what you really want.

I had anxiety about getting married and before trying to conceive each of my three children. Before buying my home. I have anxiety about every major life decision. Not sure your example is a good one. Plenty of people prone to overthinking or even just adequately considering things are like this. I’d be more concerned if someone didn’t have anxiety before making a life changing decision like a marriage or child.

Sure, but having anxiety is not the same thing as not wanting to do something and then doing it anyway. I’m assuming when you asked yourself “do I want to go through this whole experience do this even though I’m worried about it?” Your answer was yes. For the person who said “I wasn’t ready but I just closed my eyes and did it,” is not the same as “I am worried about this but I also feel in my gut that this is what I want.” Perhaps they weren’t expressing themselves clearly and the latter is really what they meant to say. But I’ve encountered the former line of logic more than once—and it even appears on this thread. Each time I encounter it I wonder what’s underneath there.

Anxiety about a wedding is one thing. Anxiety about who you are getting married to is another. One I would push through, the other I would not ignore. Same thing with the baby question. Some worries may be worth pushing through, some may need to be given space to figure out a path forward.

I had anxiety about getting married, not about the wedding. And like I said, had anxiety about adding each kid to my family, buying a house etc. even though those were all things I wanted to do. I was just nervous about how they would all change my life and the things that would be out of my control. Often anxiety is an inner voice telling you not to do something you want to do, or making you feel uncertain or nervous of the questions you cannot answer or outcomes you can’t control.

[Anonymous]

Because you aren’t making babies - you are making people. They turn into actual, often delightful, wonderful people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

This is completely valid. My mother in law is like this. She has two kids and I always said she should have had three. My spouse and their sibling were completely coddled in a way that I think has been detrimental to them long term. There are some benefits to coming from a smaller family, but for an intensive parent like this, I think the downsides are prominent.

DP and while this isn't why I have 3, it's part of why I am glad I had 3, if that makes sense. I had them because our family didn't feel complete until the 3rd. Still, like PP said it's helpful that I can't pile all my concern onto a single child, or even 2.

+1. I was on a playdate for my two younger children over the weekend with the mom of an only who definitely falls into the coddling/crazy category. She is also a SAHM who is very much debilitated by her desire to be a perfect mother and wife, which for her manifests as control. She was going on and on about how she couldn't find the perfect breakfast option for her three year old. She has decided not to use the microwave anymore, but is against using the stove for breakfast or serving anything with a preservative; she would rather take a nap then drink caffeine; and she spent three hours on Friday chopping things while her daughter watched TV so she and her husband could enjoy a perfect home cooked meal. Meanwhile, her three year old is still not potty trained and they have hired multiple consultants to help (hello! it's control!); her daughter can only exist in two spaces in their giant home - her own bedroom or her overly curated playroom; and her daughter won't even share a pretzel with her and asserts herself constantly in opposition to authority at home and at school. Meanwhile, my three year old is potty trained (as is my older child); my kids eat a variety of foods at breakfast and I get them all out the door and to school on time during the week without having a panic attack if one of them eats instant oatmeal; my children are all actually really good at sharing with each other and others (even my 18 month old); there is no space in my home where my children can't be; my three year old's preschool teachers called her a leader and she's not concerned with defining herself in opposition to me or my husband; and my husband and I both work and have a great relationship, which is not predicated on me aspiring to be some perfect version of a wife and mother. I'm not saying this woman is a typical mom of an only, but she seems so controlling of her child and every space her child exists in that I think having multiple children would benefit her parenting because she'd have to relax a little and let go of this perfect mom/perfect wife facade. More focused time with a child doesn't always equal a better relationship, especially if the parent is very controlling.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What a prescient discussion. I overhead two women talking in a coffee shop yesterday. They had multiple children and one was debating going for a 4th child. And the other woman was urging the other woman to have the fourth, but in the most toxic way possible:

Mom of 4: "You just have to go for it, don't think about it, like my pregnancies were so AWFUL that I prayed for twins because I just could not go through with it again and thank god I did have twins--they run in Ralph's family--and it was so hard but I look at my kids and I'm like yeah I finally have the thanksgiving table i want in 20 years"

Mom of 3: "Your oldest is 7, right?"

Mom of 4: "Yeah, we're almost out of the hard years. And it hasn't been easy. My middle child has sensory issues, she would NOT wear the dress I picked out for the family Christmas card, said it was scratchy. we're getting her evaluated."

Mom of 3: "But I just don't know, it's like, I get a panic attack just thinking about another baby. My parents cannot handle taking care of three at a time for more than like half a day, and my husband works all day out of the house."

Mom of 4: "Oh yeah, my parents are the same way. I told my dad absolutely no fox news on while he's watching my kids. I don't want them picking up bad habits from them."

Mom of 3: "Sometimes I think I might like to go back to work"

Mom of 4: "I work part time while my kids are sleeping, you can, too. You need a break from being the mom, always having to entertain the kids, I feel like I'm bozo the clown some days. Look into working the night shift while your husband watches the kids."

Mom of 3: "I'm 39...I just don't know about starting all over again with a newborn..."

Mom of 4: "Yeah, but it's kind of now or never. Just know that so many things can go wrong and you have to be fully emotionally and spiritually ready to have a special needs baby and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, you just have to know that that is your burden and your gift."

Mom of 3: "My mom had 6 kids and she was one of 12 so I don't know why I'm hesitating..."

Mom of 4: Now that I have four, when I look back to when I had just one I was like, "was I even a mom?"

I have definitely also seen this type of logic applied to having more children. I once asked someone how she decided to have more children after her first. She said: “I wasn’t ready at all. I don’t know if you’re ever ready once you know what you have to go through to have a baby. So I just got the IUD out and kind of closed my eyes and did it.”

I mean….ok? I guess that’s one way to go about it. But what if you applied that logic to literally anything else in life? Getting married, for example: meh, I don’t really want to and don’t look forward to this but I guess I’ll just do it! If a friend came to me and told me that was their logic for getting married I’d be like, well, why get married? Maybe it’s not for you. But for whatever reason people see this as a totally acceptable way to decide to have more children.

One reason, I think, is that the social norms and expectations for having more than one child are sneakily strong, especially for people who come from a family of more than 2 children. For some it can feel like a requirement or an imperative to have a family of a certain size. They simply do not question it and actually seem to feel a duty to have a certain number. Another reason is that large families are sort of trendy these days, and some women are susceptible to those currents. I also think some people are impulsive, or at a minimum, not the type of people who sit and interrogate their decisions or have the willingness to change their minds. In a way I’m jealous of those people. What must it be like to not think every little thing through and just act?

It takes a lot of hard work to understand your own decision making in life, and on this issue when the origins and inputs for this particular choice are so convoluted, it’s even harder. Should I have another child?= structure of family of origin + spouse’s family of origin + hormones + personalities of all + long held beliefs that have never been challenged + what your friends are doing + instagram + baby 1’s temperament + your day job and ambitions+ how much support/money you have…the list goes on. There are so many various inputs, I can kind of empathize with why people just make a decision and deal with the consequences afterward.

But, OP, I think the best way to go about this decision is this: you have a child because you want to (or are willing to) go through the WHOLE experience of raising that child. That’s it. And although people go about this decision in other (less logical) ways, I think this is the question you ask yourself to get to the root of what you really want.

I had anxiety about getting married and before trying to conceive each of my three children. Before buying my home. I have anxiety about every major life decision. Not sure your example is a good one. Plenty of people prone to overthinking or even just adequately considering things are like this. I’d be more concerned if someone didn’t have anxiety before making a life changing decision like a marriage or child.

Sure, but having anxiety is not the same thing as not wanting to do something and then doing it anyway. I’m assuming when you asked yourself “do I want to go through this whole experience do this even though I’m worried about it?” Your answer was yes. For the person who said “I wasn’t ready but I just closed my eyes and did it,” is not the same as “I am worried about this but I also feel in my gut that this is what I want.” Perhaps they weren’t expressing themselves clearly and the latter is really what they meant to say. But I’ve encountered the former line of logic more than once—and it even appears on this thread. Each time I encounter it I wonder what’s underneath there.

Anxiety about a wedding is one thing. Anxiety about who you are getting married to is another. One I would push through, the other I would not ignore. Same thing with the baby question. Some worries may be worth pushing through, some may need to be given space to figure out a path forward.

I had anxiety about getting married, not about the wedding. And like I said, had anxiety about adding each kid to my family, buying a house etc. even though those were all things I wanted to do. I was just nervous about how they would all change my life and the things that would be out of my control. Often anxiety is an inner voice telling you not to do something you want to do, or making you feel uncertain or nervous of the questions you cannot answer or outcomes you can’t control.

That’s an interesting perspective. In your life, you’ve learned to ignore your anxiety because it is just a blocker or an obstacle that your brain creates that is trying to prevent you from getting to what you want? But, it also sounds like you always knew what you wanted, which was to get married, have multiple kids, buy an house, etc. So in your case, the anxiety is not preventing you from knowing what you want, it’s just, like, a little hurdle to push through? Is it like, nerves, or like hesitation? Like a little tickle in the back of your brain that is annoying but not substantive?

For me, anxiety can be like that. Like my brain overreacting to something. Example: my brain tells me not to go to a party because I might have nobody to talk to. I don’t listen to that. Or when I worry about something that can easily be solved, like “if i have another child I’ll have to breastfeed and I didn’t like it.” I can bat that back with plain old logic and persistence.

But there’s another subtype of anxiety that I experience that’s like a cross between a gut, intuitive feeling and anxiety. A deep, persistent churning, or brooding, maybe? Something I get stuck on for a long while, turn over for weeks or months or even years. It is usually about something I haven’t really consciously thought about a lot. Like an assumption that I’m making, or a path I’ve ended up on by accident. For me, THAT anxiety is actually a guide or a map to understanding myself better. Like, my brain saying “woah woah woah, this isn’t right, this isn’t you, this isn’t aligning with your values.”

When I experience that type of anxiety, I do listen to it. Or, at least give it a spot at the table. Where is it coming from? Can I fix it? Is it based on something that happened that I can prevent from happening again? Is it over generalizing something that was very specific? Etc. I did not experience that kind of deep anxiety when I was getting married. Or when I bought a house. Or when I had my first child. But I DID experience it when it came time to decide on a second child. And I’ve experienced it at other times in life, too. So, I don’t ignore that type.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

It is. Far more attention has been paid to parent child relationships, but children spend more time with their siblings than their parents and our siblings are with us throughout our life course while our parents are not. Having good relationships with siblings as a young adult is more predictive of emotional well being than good relationships with parents. It’s on parents to foster positive, healthy relationships between their children, but when that happens the results are powerful.

The comments about having a better relationship seem desperate. It’s different, but not better or worse. Also, many of us with more than one child learn so much through the experience of parenting children with different temperaments and personalities and many of us believe that makes us better parents to all of our children.

No one has said they have a better relationship with their only. They have said they have a *specific* relationship with their only, which they like, and they know that relationship would be different (not necessarily worse, just different) if they had more kids.

Some of you are obsessed with trying to rank family sizes and it's pointless. Mamy people don't even get to pick -- they have secondary fertility issues or they have twins or other multiples and fate chooses for them. Honestly, we're all lucky to have kids at all and insisting that your family is better because you have more than one sounds incredibly myopic to me. You learned something from parenting kids with different temperaments, another mom will learn something from parenting and only. Stop putting down others to elevate yourself. Just stop.

She specifically said less special, that is what people are responding to, because it’s antagonistic and rude (and false)

She was speaking to her own experience and her own decision to stick with one, not the universal experience of all mothers. That's allowed. She felt that having another could make that relationship feel less special so she stuck with one. There is no way to prove or disprove that without some kind of parallel universe or time travel situation. She followed her gut and it worked out for her.

I do not understand why so many people have *freaked out* as a result. If you have more than one kid and feel you relationship with your kids is as good or better as a result of having more, then that's your experience and you made the right choice for you. End of story. What someone else does in their own life doesn't change that.

OP sounds like she's leaning towards sticking with one, but she'll have to base that decision on what resonates most with her. I suspect many happy parents of only children feel similarly to the PP who values what she thinks is a unique relationship, so that perspective might be of value to someone who is presently thinking they might be one and done.

Having more than one child doesn't make your relationship with each child less special. That's aggressive and needlessly provocative. Just like it would be aggressive and needlessly provocative for me to assert that children with siblings have a more special or enhanced bond with all of their family members as a result of that sibling dynamic and only children have a less special bond and are less attached to their parents. That may be my lived experience, but my perspective is biased by the fact that I have more than one child. It's really gaslighty to make antagonistic assertions and then ask why what you said might be offensive or pretend that someone didn't write less special. What's the value of doing that? How does that move this conversation forward?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202302/how-siblings-contribute-to-the-good-life?amp

Hmm. Good relationships with siblings can help well-being, bad relationships with siblings can hurt well-being. Truly enlightening.

It is. Far more attention has been paid to parent child relationships, but children spend more time with their siblings than their parents and our siblings are with us throughout our life course while our parents are not. Having good relationships with siblings as a young adult is more predictive of emotional well being than good relationships with parents. It’s on parents to foster positive, healthy relationships between their children, but when that happens the results are powerful.

The comments about having a better relationship seem desperate. It’s different, but not better or worse. Also, many of us with more than one child learn so much through the experience of parenting children with different temperaments and personalities and many of us believe that makes us better parents to all of our children.

No one has said they have a better relationship with their only. They have said they have a *specific* relationship with their only, which they like, and they know that relationship would be different (not necessarily worse, just different) if they had more kids.

Some of you are obsessed with trying to rank family sizes and it's pointless. Mamy people don't even get to pick -- they have secondary fertility issues or they have twins or other multiples and fate chooses for them. Honestly, we're all lucky to have kids at all and insisting that your family is better because you have more than one sounds incredibly myopic to me. You learned something from parenting kids with different temperaments, another mom will learn something from parenting and only. Stop putting down others to elevate yourself. Just stop.

She specifically said less special, that is what people are responding to, because it’s antagonistic and rude (and false)

She was speaking to her own experience and her own decision to stick with one, not the universal experience of all mothers. That's allowed. She felt that having another could make that relationship feel less special so she stuck with one. There is no way to prove or disprove that without some kind of parallel universe or time travel situation. She followed her gut and it worked out for her.

I do not understand why so many people have *freaked out* as a result. If you have more than one kid and feel you relationship with your kids is as good or better as a result of having more, then that's your experience and you made the right choice for you. End of story. What someone else does in their own life doesn't change that.

OP sounds like she's leaning towards sticking with one, but she'll have to base that decision on what resonates most with her. I suspect many happy parents of only children feel similarly to the PP who values what she thinks is a unique relationship, so that perspective might be of value to someone who is presently thinking they might be one and done.

Having more than one child doesn't make your relationship with each child less special. That's aggressive and needlessly provocative. Just like it would be aggressive and needlessly provocative for me to assert that children with siblings have a more special or enhanced bond with all of their family members as a result of that sibling dynamic and only children have a less special bond and are less attached to their parents. That may be my lived experience, but my perspective is biased by the fact that I have more than one child. It's really gaslighty to make antagonistic assertions and then ask why what you said might be offensive or pretend that someone didn't write less special. What's the value of doing that? How does that move this conversation forward?

I agree with you that the word “special” is not fair. But the research does bear out that only children are “closer” with their parents than children from families with more than one child, even families with 2 children.

But there are losses, too: only children can feel suffocated by that closeness with their parents and can become enmeshed. And they will never get a sibling relationship.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202309/the-biggest-benefit-and-top-risk-of-being-an-only-child

[Anonymous]

I did not want an only child. I was 35 when I had my first (so not a lot of time to sit and wait). My first baby was really easy. It was not hard for us to go for #2 right after #1 turned a year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely anxious and type A and I knew that if I only had one kid it would put way too much pressure on my "one perfect child." We have three which enables me to more evenly distribute my neuroses among them rather than piling it all on one kid.

Yes, I hear so many people say, "With one, we can devote all of our love, time, resources, money, etc. to this one child ..." and I hear that and think, "Eesh, that's a reason to have another right there!!!"