Husband invited family without my consent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know he didn’t have an ill intentions. He’s super excited to show our son to people and have them meet him. It’s an exciting time but it’s just not the right time. I would have said no had he talked to me first. Maybe at 1 month but not now.

In-laws yes, but only if they are the 'pitch in' type so you can get sleep. Friends, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband gets a 50% say. The baby is equally his. Sorry, Mom you don't rule. You don't get more of a say. You can be resting. They can stop by for a brief time and he can introduce them to the baby. They shouldn't stay with you though.

This is bull$hit. It is her body that is healing. He did his part in creation 9 months and 16 days ago. She gets more of a vote because of this.

It is not easy to predict when the baby will be sleeping and when she will be resting. Feeding schedules depend on her if she is breastfeeding. My son WOULD NOT take a bottle even if it was expressed milk. I needed to be the one to feed him. Second child had erratic feeding and sleeping patterns and cried ALOT.

Mom gets the deciding vote. A good partner recognizes this and realizes that his wife and baby come before his parents. Good in laws recognize this too.

within reason. I do think she gets veto power over who will actually stay in the house for the first few months, but not on visitors in general.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully, they plan to help. My mom stayed with my brother and SIL for at least a week after they had each of their babies and she cooked all their meals, cleaned, and helped with the baby. My SIL's own mom wasn’t helpful, which is why mine stepped in.

[Anonymous]

I believe this situation. Something similar happened to me but it’s was my family, as usual, being inconsiderate and invasive. They parachuted in a week after our son was born. I was still healing and just wanted to rest. At one point the started demanding my family sit for photos. I’m wearing sweats with a still swollen crotch from childbirth. My husband said no and got mad at them snd told them to back off because my mother never listens to me when I am the one saying stop it.

And no, I did not want my own mom around because she was awful when our first kid was born parading around the maternity wing and walking in and out of my room like she owned the place. I had to ask the nurses to shut my door. So yeah, OP, I get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird thread. Everyone I know had grandparents visit very soon after their babies were born.

This place is so weird about family sometimes.

+1, so very weird about family!

Family is great when they are helpful and do not make childbirth all about them and their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the baby because babies are not supposed to see large group groups of people until they are 6-8 weeks old when they’ve had certain vaccinations. If your baby is younger than eight weeks old, I would tell him he needs to reschedule and absolutely not have people over. I did not have people over until my kid was at least two months old

OP here. He is 16 days old. It will just be my MIL and FIL. They are not sick and also got the tdap when he was born in preparation for coming to visit.

These are good signs - also good that your DH canceled the friends and is getting everything ready for the in laws. Good luck. It sounds like you guys are doing great - communicating wishes, he’s stepping up to help ease work on you, etc.

Let us know how it goes!

[Anonymous]

People here are missing the biggest point, which is that OP’s husband extended these invitations without talking with her at all. This would be insane whether there was a new baby, a toddler, no kids, etc. You don’t invite houseguests to stay in your home for multiple days without consulting the person with whom you live. All the arguing about where family should stay, who gets veto power, etc. is a distraction. Husband did not communicate with his wife on a major issue that impacts her. Not doing so 16 days after childbirth is especially egregious and needs to be addressed. This is why she should put her foot down. This is a precedent-setting event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband gets a 50% say. The baby is equally his. Sorry, Mom you don't rule. You don't get more of a say. You can be resting. They can stop by for a brief time and he can introduce them to the baby. They shouldn't stay with you though.

This is bull$hit. It is her body that is healing. He did his part in creation 9 months and 16 days ago. She gets more of a vote because of this.

It is not easy to predict when the baby will be sleeping and when she will be resting. Feeding schedules depend on her if she is breastfeeding. My son WOULD NOT take a bottle even if it was expressed milk. I needed to be the one to feed him. Second child had erratic feeding and sleeping patterns and cried ALOT.

Mom gets the deciding vote. A good partner recognizes this and realizes that his wife and baby come before his parents. Good in laws recognize this too.

within reason. I do think she gets veto power over who will actually stay in the house for the first few months, but not on visitors in general.

I agree with this, and because the new mom gets veto power, I think she should be a benevolent dictator and the DH should be stepping up on taking care of any guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here are missing the biggest point, which is that OP’s husband extended these invitations without talking with her at all. This would be insane whether there was a new baby, a toddler, no kids, etc. You don’t invite houseguests to stay in your home for multiple days without consulting the person with whom you live. All the arguing about where family should stay, who gets veto power, etc. is a distraction. Husband did not communicate with his wife on a major issue that impacts her. Not doing so 16 days after childbirth is especially egregious and needs to be addressed. This is why she should put her foot down. This is a precedent-setting event.

He messed up. She should call him out on that, sure. But the punishment isn’t keeping the grandparents away if he steps and does the work for their visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband gets a 50% say. The baby is equally his. Sorry, Mom you don't rule. You don't get more of a say. You can be resting. They can stop by for a brief time and he can introduce them to the baby. They shouldn't stay with you though.

No, the husband does not get a 50% say. The mother is recovering from childbirth and becoming accustomed to postpartum routines, including breast-feeding, sleep, baby care, etc.

Unless the visitors are going to focus on taking care of the mother, they should not be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the comments, but even if you didn’t have a new baby, he should’ve asked you before doing that! Plus, does no one care about Covid or protecting babies from diseases anymore? You don’t need a bunch of people trooper around your baby. Before vaccination. I would be pissed and I would send a nice email explaining, but he jumped the gun and you’re feeling too tired for visitors right now

+1

Right. And ask yourself, what kind of people want to do that to a young family in such a vulnerable moment? DH needs to take a lot of responsibility, but I suspect that if his family members, particularly his mother, who has some experience with what it's like to have a young baby, thought this was going to be a good idea, the OP is in for a couple decades of big trouble. Any reasonable MIL would slam the brakes and say, "If I must see the baby, we'll keep it brief, you need to focus on your wife and baby right now. We'll stay at a hotel, and don't you DARE ask your wife if we can come to the house! I didn't raise you to be thoughtless!"

I doubt that MIL made her own mother-in-law stay at a hotel. This notion that childbirth recovery requires weeks and weeks of solitude is bizarre to me, and my kids are late teens. The grandmothers came to help our “their baby” - the new parents. My mother and MIL cooked, did laundry, dishes, etc.

OP, of course your DH should have discussed. But why shouldn’t his parents be allowed to meet their grandchild? They are family. I sure hope when my kids have children of their own they don’t suddenly decide I’m no longer family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can, wait until baby is 6 weeks before exposing to lots of germs. If baby is less than 6 weeks and gets a fever, you are looking at a hospital visit and spinal tap.

What is this trend to just say "baby" and not "the baby?"

It is so weird!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the comments, but even if you didn’t have a new baby, he should’ve asked you before doing that! Plus, does no one care about Covid or protecting babies from diseases anymore? You don’t need a bunch of people trooper around your baby. Before vaccination. I would be pissed and I would send a nice email explaining, but he jumped the gun and you’re feeling too tired for visitors right now

+1

Right. And ask yourself, what kind of people want to do that to a young family in such a vulnerable moment? DH needs to take a lot of responsibility, but I suspect that if his family members, particularly his mother, who has some experience with what it's like to have a young baby, thought this was going to be a good idea, the OP is in for a couple decades of big trouble. Any reasonable MIL would slam the brakes and say, "If I must see the baby, we'll keep it brief, you need to focus on your wife and baby right now. We'll stay at a hotel, and don't you DARE ask your wife if we can come to the house! I didn't raise you to be thoughtless!"

I doubt that MIL made her own mother-in-law stay at a hotel. This notion that childbirth recovery requires weeks and weeks of solitude is bizarre to me, and my kids are late teens. The grandmothers came to help our “their baby” - the new parents. My mother and MIL cooked, did laundry, dishes, etc.

OP, of course your DH should have discussed. But why shouldn’t his parents be allowed to meet their grandchild? They are family. I sure hope when my kids have children of their own they don’t suddenly decide I’m no longer family.

Well, here’s your head start. You are suddenly NOT family. You are now extended family. You keep your distance if you love them, they’ll let you know when they’re ready.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They are both up to date on vaccinations and will wear a mask on the place. They will shower and change clothes when they get here.

My MIL is really amazing! She’s a very kind old southern lady. She is a phenomenal cook and I’m excited for some nice home cooked meals.

We already have rules in place. We don’t believe posting kids on social media unless we approve. Pictures will be taken but not a crazy amount. I will excuse myself when I need to nurse or be alone ( I’m a big introvert and lots of people can be draining for me).

My husband has already started preparing the guest room, welcome basket, and the “ in case you forgot” basket. I usually do it but told him it’s all on him. All the cleaning beforehand and grocery shopping is all on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make them stay in a hotel and husband is responsible for feeding/entertaining the guests. But I’m going against the grain here and going to say that not making some accommodation to have grandparents meet a grandchild in the first month is weird. If your parents in law aren’t helpful make your husband put them to work. But your child is THEIR family. If they were so awful you would have mentioned it in your original post. You need to not think of yourself as the queen of the universe because you’re not. People wonder why families don’t work any more.

Your DH should have discussed it with you, though.

OP here. They are not awful but I’m still healing from childbirth and learning how to be a mom. Our son is just a little over 2 weeks old. It’s hasn’t been that long.

Cancel the friends not much you can do with the parents. This is a good time to say hey I’m going to go nurse the. Any and go sit in a room for an hour every 2.5 hours. When you are done, bring the baby back and they can burp/change it while you nap or shower. Do not lift a finger for these people!

Remember actions have consequences. When you are at the recieving end dont come to DCUM and post. DH's family is not helping me

How would OP be "at the receiving end"? An analogous situation would be if she invited herself to their house while they were recovering from invasive surgery, still in pain, waking every two hours, and caring for a newborn while running their household. I don't know any DILs who do things like that.