Husband invited family without my consent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not remotely believable. Try harder OP. Everyone just made plans like this for 4th of July? Sure.

OP here. We don’t often celebrate July 4 or New Years. We all find it to be a bunch of young drunk kids and idiots so we stay home. Same with his parents. Our friends are coming tomorrow, bot July 4.

July 4 is a bunch of young drunk kids? What? How do you celebrate the 4th? Most people have a family bbq. Again, you sound phony as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband has invited his family at inopportune times, without consulting me first, but would never have done that for a newborn visit.

What's the problem exactly, besides that you weren't consulted? Is it your level of fatigue? Messy house? Fear of newborn contracting something? Needing to be a host and make small talk?

Tell him off for not consulting you.
Then decide whether you prefer canceling or letting these people come and see you in all your unprepared glory - or as much as of it as your husband can't clean up all by himself. Personally, I would not lift a finger in the house, or lift a finger when they come. They would have to get their own drinks and step over the full diaper Genie on the way to the kitchen. I would breast feed right there in front of them, disheveled and absorbed in my baby. They would have to wash their hands and faces thoroughly before touching my baby.

You choose, OP. There is no wrong option, except the one where you run around doing things for guests.

Because people like that will not stop encroaching. STOP THEM BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

They have no business being there, if they are truly interested the will be THRILLED to wait for your okay.

Put the blame on the dh who invited them

[Anonymous]

It’s weird you didn’t already have this planned out. At what point were you going to let them see your child? It is very thoughtless to not have this decided before the baby is due. It doesn’t sound like you ever considered your DH’s family. FaceTime is not meeting a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a strange dynamic to me. You just had a son. So you will one day be the MIL excited to meet her grandchild. I am frankly surprised they have waited almost 3 weeks. I do think asking them to stay in a hotel is reasonable, but if you have room why not have them stay with you and have your husband be in charge of hosting duties? I have 4 children and my out of town in-laws met each of them within a few days of birth. I was grateful to have an extended family who embraced my children/their grandchildren. I think this is just part of the deal and all this boundary talk is why people have such difficult relationships with their in-laws. They are family. Their visit doesn't have to be perfect, but let them in. It truly takes a village.

They aren't family. They are extended family. Their job is to wait in the wings until they are asked to join, then they should join on the grounds that the FAMILY wants them.

The first sense of entitlement from them—the first sign that they think they have a right to force their way into your family, you push back. Set the boundary BEFORE they start forcing themselves in.

DP. Of course DH’s parents are family. What a strange post to say otherwise. I think DH should look for a hotel and OP should accommodate visiting a few hours each day next week. She has described normal newborn stuff.

However it sounded like friends were also invited? They can wait.

[Anonymous]

Houseguests coming to stay with a baby less than a month old? Oh no way.

The only such houseguest would be a mother or MIL who was coming to stay and do all the household labor and play night nurse so you can sleep.

Babies less than a month old shouldn’t be out of confinement yet, they barely have an immune system. If they were born C section they basically don’t have a gut biome yet.

Tell your DH heck no, no way, no how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband has invited his family at inopportune times, without consulting me first, but would never have done that for a newborn visit.

What's the problem exactly, besides that you weren't consulted? Is it your level of fatigue? Messy house? Fear of newborn contracting something? Needing to be a host and make small talk?

Tell him off for not consulting you.
Then decide whether you prefer canceling or letting these people come and see you in all your unprepared glory - or as much as of it as your husband can't clean up all by himself. Personally, I would not lift a finger in the house, or lift a finger when they come. They would have to get their own drinks and step over the full diaper Genie on the way to the kitchen. I would breast feed right there in front of them, disheveled and absorbed in my baby. They would have to wash their hands and faces thoroughly before touching my baby.

You choose, OP. There is no wrong option, except the one where you run around doing things for guests.

OP here. Our son is just over 2 weeks old. I’m healing from birth, we are still working on getting comfortable with breastfeeding, and lack of sleep is an issue for us. I don’t really want guests at all while I’m still healing. I do feel like everyone will want to be in my face and the babies face the entire time and I’m bro ready for any of it.

I’m totally different from you. I had a few friends and family visit days after getting home from the hospital with both babies. I didn’t mind. I also attended an out of town work meeting when my second was 3 weeks old. So, it wouldn’t bother me, but if it bothers you, your DH should reschedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know he didn’t have an ill intentions. He’s super excited to show our son to people and have them meet him.

OP is he up for being a new father (feeding, changing, supporting your breastfeeding, etc) and a host (making beds, planning meals, etc.) at the same time? Can he direct his family to do things like fold laundry, clean up the kitchen, run errands so you don't need to go out? Ask him. If the answer is yes and he follows through, it will be a good visit. If he is unsure whether he can do all this, tell him that he needs to step up to the consequences of an invitation this early in your baby's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband has invited his family at inopportune times, without consulting me first, but would never have done that for a newborn visit.

What's the problem exactly, besides that you weren't consulted? Is it your level of fatigue? Messy house? Fear of newborn contracting something? Needing to be a host and make small talk?

Tell him off for not consulting you.
Then decide whether you prefer canceling or letting these people come and see you in all your unprepared glory - or as much as of it as your husband can't clean up all by himself. Personally, I would not lift a finger in the house, or lift a finger when they come. They would have to get their own drinks and step over the full diaper Genie on the way to the kitchen. I would breast feed right there in front of them, disheveled and absorbed in my baby. They would have to wash their hands and faces thoroughly before touching my baby.

You choose, OP. There is no wrong option, except the one where you run around doing things for guests.

Because people like that will not stop encroaching. STOP THEM BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

They have no business being there, if they are truly interested the will be THRILLED to wait for your okay.

Put the blame on the dh who invited them

Totally, when that baby slid out, his list of priorities changed. Mommy dearest went to the bottom of the list—wife and baby went to the top, and for the first 6-8 weeks, everyone else is temporarily suspended from any sort of priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Houseguests coming to stay with a baby less than a month old? Oh no way.

The only such houseguest would be a mother or MIL who was coming to stay and do all the household labor and play night nurse so you can sleep.

Babies less than a month old shouldn’t be out of confinement yet, they barely have an immune system. If they were born C section they basically don’t have a gut biome yet.

Tell your DH heck no, no way, no how.

+1 and what kind of people WANT to impose like that?

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the comments, but even if you didn’t have a new baby, he should’ve asked you before doing that! Plus, does no one care about Covid or protecting babies from diseases anymore? You don’t need a bunch of people trooper around your baby. Before vaccination. I would be pissed and I would send a nice email explaining, but he jumped the gun and you’re feeling too tired for visitors right now

[Anonymous]

He didn’t ask because he knew what the answer would be. OP, you now know what your DH’s priorities are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the comments, but even if you didn’t have a new baby, he should’ve asked you before doing that! Plus, does no one care about Covid or protecting babies from diseases anymore? You don’t need a bunch of people trooper around your baby. Before vaccination. I would be pissed and I would send a nice email explaining, but he jumped the gun and you’re feeling too tired for visitors right now

+1

Right. And ask yourself, what kind of people want to do that to a young family in such a vulnerable moment? DH needs to take a lot of responsibility, but I suspect that if his family members, particularly his mother, who has some experience with what it's like to have a young baby, thought this was going to be a good idea, the OP is in for a couple decades of big trouble. Any reasonable MIL would slam the brakes and say, "If I must see the baby, we'll keep it brief, you need to focus on your wife and baby right now. We'll stay at a hotel, and don't you DARE ask your wife if we can come to the house! I didn't raise you to be thoughtless!"

[Anonymous]

We have 5 kids and my advice to future dads is to always communicate with your wife about any guests coming to visit her baby. This is already a stressful time for moms so give her a break and understand her emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 5 kids and my advice to future dads is to always communicate with your wife about any guests coming to visit her baby. This is already a stressful time for moms so give her a break and understand her emotions.

+1 and be super wary of family who didn't think twice about accepting DH's invitation, or worse, imposed themselves and DH didn't have the spine to tell them to go pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the length of visit and where is everyone staying?

OP here. They will be arriving next Wednesday and staying until Sunday. They are all staying at our home.

Hell to the no. I fell for this, thinking that anyone with the audacity to stay in the home of a family that just had a baby would step up and be helpful and not expect to be hosted. Cue my ILs and parents, sitting around, telling me how wonderful it must be for me to have them hold the baby for one hour while he slept (and could have been in a crib) and how easy they were making it for me to host them. We'd get take out and they would all eat first while I was with the baby and then when I was finally able to eat most of it would be gone. It was 100% about their selfish "excitement" and wanting to "enjoy themselves." No one wanted to help or even be a good houseguest.

Your DH either cancels or tells them they can come stay in a hotel but makes it clear he will not be available to "host" them because he should be busy with his child so you can get enough rest.