Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention ([/b]all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2)[b]. That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I‘m not “implying” this. I truly believe it. The same way you believe that your life and your kids lives are “better” because there are more of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention ([/b]all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2)[b]. That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I‘m not “implying” this. I truly believe it. The same way you believe that your life and your kids lives are “better” because there are more of them.

NP- Ok and what is your point? Are you suggesting we get rid of one of our three kids? Does it make you feel better to come into a thread and tell us we had too many kids? Seriously tend to your own garden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention ([/b]all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2)[b]. That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I‘m not “implying” this. I truly believe it. The same way you believe that your life and your kids lives are “better” because there are more of them.

NP- Ok and what is your point? Are you suggesting we get rid of one of our three kids? Does it make you feel better to come into a thread and tell us we had too many kids? Seriously tend to your own garden.

It’s an anonymous Internet forum. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention ([/b]all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2)[b]. That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I‘m not “implying” this. I truly believe it. The same way you believe that your life and your kids lives are “better” because there are more of them.

NP- Ok and what is your point? Are you suggesting we get rid of one of our three kids? Does it make you feel better to come into a thread and tell us we had too many kids? Seriously tend to your own garden.

It’s an anonymous Internet forum. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I could say the same to you. And yet you're spending your precious minutes on earth involving yourself in a thread that has nothing to do with you. Thank god you stopped at two kids.

[Anonymous]

All you parents of two who say you couldn't possibly pay enough attention to three sure seem to have enough time to spend on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you parents of two who say you couldn't possibly pay enough attention to three sure seem to have enough time to spend on DCUM.

HAHAHAHA. This is one of the greatest mic drops on DCUM ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who mentioned that parents of 1 or 2 chiming in and being self righteous were not being helpful. Several responded that you had to respond because you were grown adults and the product of three children.

I neglected to point that out in my original post. I am the middle and as this thread would lead you to believe, the worst possible outcome - the second daughter followed by a baby brother. My husband is also a middle child. Guess what? WE LOVE THE DYNAMIC. Even if it at times, we felt the "burden" of being the middle, it made us both incredibly strong and resilant. As adults, we both are probably the closest to our parents - perhaps because of personality or because our parents are also middle children and so we are all crazy.

Any parent with any number of children will tell you if they are being honest that there are moments of bonding and seasons of challenges relating to their children. And any parent of more than one child has to figure out how to split their time, energy and love.

OP - this to shall pass. Do not read into these ridiculous comments. Anyone posting that they didn't have more children bc of their own childhood has more damage than birth order alone. It's absurd to chalk up all the hostility and negative energy to just one factor. Families with more children are more complicated and nuanced but there is also an incredible opportunity to have deep and meaningful sibling bonds that simply don't happen in smaller families. That's a fact.

Wow! Fact huh? YOU are the authority on smaller families having zero experience with them. Hey, calling all psychologists around the world, not to mention OP, we have found the world’s perfect parent! The middle child married to a middle child who has 3 or more children, but is also the expert authority on smaller families. THAT IS A FACT she says! She and her children are too perfect to respond to you OP. They are unicorns.

For all the normal people out there, including OP. There is lots of good useful info here. Yes, the voices of those balanced people from 3 child families; those who decided to have less; those who decided to have 3 and are happy with their choice; and all ranges in between and beyond have great insight. Summed up - there are seasons to parenting and the dynamics change with time. My children are older and I can tell you this is true from my experience. Your kids are young, just wait. Enjoy each child where they are. Some parents of 3 manage to build individual bonds with each successfully. These parents are rare, but it is worth striving to achieve this. Because others have done this successfully, you can too, OP. You are in a great spot by recognizing you have a different bond with the baby. Just know that it will change, and hopefully strengthen, with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention ([/b]all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2)[b]. That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I‘m not “implying” this. I truly believe it. The same way you believe that your life and your kids lives are “better” because there are more of them.

NP- Ok and what is your point? Are you suggesting we get rid of one of our three kids? Does it make you feel better to come into a thread and tell us we had too many kids? Seriously tend to your own garden.

It’s an anonymous Internet forum. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I could say the same to you. And yet you're spending your precious minutes on earth involving yourself in a thread that has nothing to do with you. Thank god you stopped at two kids.

I’m not having a bad time here. You are. I’m just fine and use DCUM purely for train wreck style entertainment. The same way people watch Bravo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you parents of two who say you couldn't possibly pay enough attention to three sure seem to have enough time to spend on DCUM.

Pot meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you parents of two who say you couldn't possibly pay enough attention to three sure seem to have enough time to spend on DCUM.

HAHAHAHA. This is one of the greatest mic drops on DCUM ever.

The kids are all at school right now. Regardless of how many there are. Things will start cookin in about 90 minutes and go full steam until bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being the middle literally stopped me from creating one. My kids are 6 years apart, so same distance between oldest and youngest in my family of origin but without the middle.

Only way I would have had 3 is of the youngest were twins. That didn't happen. My oldest is responsible and independent. I do find I spoil the little one a bit more and she also is the jokester in the family. I do fancy dinner dates with the older so she also gets plenty of my attention and time. Never would I have a 3rd!!! Not enough time to do right by everyone.

Sounds like your first will have an only.

My first is in medical school right now and planning to have 2 children when she finishes her residency. My younger one wants to be a lawyer and doesn’t know if she wants kids yet; she is still quite young (in HS). I didn’t know if I wanted kids either until I was late 20s.

I took parenting classes to ensure I don’t repeat the mistakes of my parents. I also spoke openly about how I felt to my children through all the many stages of parenting. I always told them I am navigating this parenting thing new and I will always try my best, knowing that I too will make mistakes. I approached parenting with a lot of humility because I did not feel that i had the best example and I wanted more for my kids. Each of my kids KNOW they are my favorite in different ways; and they are right. As I mentioned I love my fancy dinner dates with my older one. The younger one doesn’t like fancy food, much less sitting for a long meal - my older one relishes the opportunity. The youngest one is the type of girl who makes friends wherever she goes, always making people smile. They are different people and I love them equally and differently for who they are and they love each other. They are quite close.

It is possible to love kids equally for who they are no matter how many of them there are! That’s your answer OP. I stopped at 2 because I wasn’t confident I would not fall into the trap my parents did, so I avoided the trap. The truth is there are other adults who grew up in 3 children households who are very well adjusted. I think their parents were better than mine; they took the time to get to know all their children and bond uniquely with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who mentioned that parents of 1 or 2 chiming in and being self righteous were not being helpful. Several responded that you had to respond because you were grown adults and the product of three children.

I neglected to point that out in my original post. I am the middle and as this thread would lead you to believe, the worst possible outcome - the second daughter followed by a baby brother. My husband is also a middle child. Guess what? WE LOVE THE DYNAMIC. Even if it at times, we felt the "burden" of being the middle, it made us both incredibly strong and resilant. As adults, we both are probably the closest to our parents - perhaps because of personality or because our parents are also middle children and so we are all crazy.

Any parent with any number of children will tell you if they are being honest that there are moments of bonding and seasons of challenges relating to their children. And any parent of more than one child has to figure out how to split their time, energy and love.

OP - this to shall pass. Do not read into these ridiculous comments. Anyone posting that they didn't have more children bc of their own childhood has more damage than birth order alone. It's absurd to chalk up all the hostility and negative energy to just one factor. Families with more children are more complicated and nuanced but there is also an incredible opportunity to have deep and meaningful sibling bonds that simply don't happen in smaller families. That's a fact.

1. You have no idea what happens in smaller families, never having been a part of one.

2. Why can't others share their experiences, and you can share your experiences, and OP (who is an adult and who appears to be a reasonably thoughtful person) can take what she wants from whatever people share? Why do you feel the need to police who can post and what they post? Just let people's comments speak for themselves.

You seem controlling and very resistant to ANY negative opinions on this subject. I wonder why.

+1
She’s overly defensive on an anonymous board; I assume she is very damaged, so the comments are triggering for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention (all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2). That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

You sound pedantic. Are you in the spectrum? You should probably get checked, because as PP pointed much of what you are complaining about is relevant and on topic, but you seem so angry. This is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention (all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2). That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I am the person who posted on the first page of the thread that, typically, it is the bond with the middle child that suffers more in a family of 3. I was speaking of one of three and a parent of three. This is quite common and why people talk about middle children having specific issues or needs. I maintain this was on topic.

That a lot of grown middle kids chose to comment on this (both in agreement and not, I'll point out) is unsurprising.

By and large, parents of 3 tend to bond fine with the youngest, and I expect that OP will discover that bond grows as her youngest gets older. My main advice to OP, which I still think is good, is to be thoughtful about how she interacts with and treats her middle child as that is traditionally the relationship that suffers, not the one with the youngest.

My advice to you is to chill out. It's an anonymous message board. If you are getting this worked up about unhelpful or off topic posts, maybe you need a break from DCUM. It's not a big deal and it happens on almost every thread.

+1
This is a very balanced answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you parents of two who say you couldn't possibly pay enough attention to three sure seem to have enough time to spend on DCUM.

HAHAHAHA. This is one of the greatest mic drops on DCUM ever.

Is it though?

You do know it is school hours. . . .or are only parents of 3 kids under 5 years old now allow to respond.