Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?

[Anonymous]

I am a third daughter/youngest/regretted because I wasn't a boy in a sexist Catholic family. Both parents from large Catholic families. My mother is a middle child and her intense focus on elevating my middle sister leaves me feeling like the she gave me middle child syndrome as revenge...lol...seriously. So, I relate to middle children and not spoiled youngest/baby of the family role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a third daughter/youngest/regretted because I wasn't a boy in a sexist Catholic family. Both parents from large Catholic families. My mother is a middle child and her intense focus on elevating my middle sister leaves me feeling like the she gave me middle child syndrome as revenge...lol...seriously. So, I relate to middle children and not spoiled youngest/baby of the family role.

Have you told her you felt this way? I wonder if because she understands the feeling she has the ability to empathize with you. The damage is probably done, but you can change things going forward. BTW don't expect her to change if it is not within her capacity. My mom can't change, but she does recognize what I felt. She too was the middle child who decided to keep with the status quo, maybe amplifying it because her baby (3rd) was the prized golden boy in a sexist catholic family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who mentioned that parents of 1 or 2 chiming in and being self righteous were not being helpful. Several responded that you had to respond because you were grown adults and the product of three children.

I neglected to point that out in my original post. I am the middle and as this thread would lead you to believe, the worst possible outcome - the second daughter followed by a baby brother. My husband is also a middle child. Guess what? WE LOVE THE DYNAMIC. Even if it at times, we felt the "burden" of being the middle, it made us both incredibly strong and resilant. As adults, we both are probably the closest to our parents - perhaps because of personality or because our parents are also middle children and so we are all crazy.

Any parent with any number of children will tell you if they are being honest that there are moments of bonding and seasons of challenges relating to their children. And any parent of more than one child has to figure out how to split their time, energy and love.

OP - this to shall pass. Do not read into these ridiculous comments. Anyone posting that they didn't have more children bc of their own childhood has more damage than birth order alone. It's absurd to chalk up all the hostility and negative energy to just one factor. Families with more children are more complicated and nuanced but there is also an incredible opportunity to have deep and meaningful sibling bonds that simply don't happen in smaller families. That's a fact.

Wow! Fact huh? YOU are the authority on smaller families having zero experience with them. Hey, calling all psychologists around the world, not to mention OP, we have found the world’s perfect parent! The middle child married to a middle child who has 3 or more children, but is also the expert authority on smaller families. THAT IS A FACT she says! She and her children are too perfect to respond to you OP. They are unicorns.

For all the normal people out there, including OP. There is lots of good useful info here. Yes, the voices of those balanced people from 3 child families; those who decided to have less; those who decided to have 3 and are happy with their choice; and all ranges in between and beyond have great insight. Summed up - there are seasons to parenting and the dynamics change with time. My children are older and I can tell you this is true from my experience. Your kids are young, just wait. Enjoy each child where they are. Some parents of 3 manage to build individual bonds with each successfully. These parents are rare, but it is worth striving to achieve this. Because others have done this successfully, you can too, OP. You are in a great spot by recognizing you have a different bond with the baby. Just know that it will change, and hopefully strengthen, with time.

But OP doesn’t want your family of 2 advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 3rd. My brother was the oldest. My sister is 1.5 years younger and the two of the are close. I am 5 years younger than my sister. When my siblings went to college, I was still in middle school and ended up spending a lot of time with my parents. I hung around with my parents and their friends often on weekends and I learned our family tongue. My siblings can understand if we speak to them, but I am the only one that is fluent. I am also more bicultural for our family heritage than my siblings. That is one of the reasons that I am closest to my mom even though I'm a guy. My mother always thought she would be closest to her daughter and she is close, just closer with me because of the language and cultural ties. I also acquired my mother's love of cooking and that bonds us as well.

That said, my parents were amazing parents. They managed to convince all three of us that we were their favorites. My brother is the eldest first-born son, so from the family patriarchal heritage, he *KNOWS* he's their favorite. My sister is the only girl and she was always Daddy's girl and she KNOWS that she was my parents favorite. But I am their baby and the one that is culturally more like them and the one that speaks to them in their mother tongue, so I know that I'm the favorite. And, of course, I know that I'm right and they are wrong.

I love this! I hope my 3 kids all feel they are my favorite

Thanks. I haven't been back to the thread since I wrote that.

But all three of us have been demoted. My niece (just turned 30) has informed me that I am no longer Mom's favorite. She has said that Grandma has told her that the grandchildren are now her favorites, so they now outrank her own children. *sigh*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

I don't think the input of other parents with 3 kids is that helpful when the impulse is to say "is love them all equally" or "no this is not a problem." For OP, it is a concern, so those responses aren't useful.

Whereas the responses from people who grew up in 3 kid families are actually useful. People are saying "here's what worked, here's what didn't." It's productive because OP can read them and get real input that could help her now. Even hearing from people who resented being one of three is useful, because if they explain why, OP can avoid those pitfalls.

I think the most useful advice on this thread is a to make sure all your kids have a firm role and identity in the family. That's advice specific to 3 kid families that not everyone heeds but can make a real difference in family harmony.

But op said her therapist asked her to ask other parents of three how they felt about their third. So your opinion doesn’t really matter.

OP is a pathological lying troll though because no parent of three kids knows no otter parents of three kids and no therapist tells a patient to go out and ask parents of three kids if they feel bonded to the third. OP just wants to put families of three down so she started a thread under ridiculous pretenses to do that and has been sick puppeting the entire time to stir the pot. Why anyone feels entitled to judge larger or smaller families is crazy to me. I don’t care if someone only wants one or two kids and no one should care that I have three kids. An optimal number of kids differs in each family. And the idea that any birth order position is inherently ruinous is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These middle children sure sound like the stereotype! No responsibility for themselves, just blame for others. Marcia, Marcia,Marcia. I haven’t met middle children who fit the stereotype so well!

Thankfully, my middle child is nothing like that.

Again, personalities not birth order.

The stereotype is not for middle children to be irresponsible -- if anything they are often over-responsible because they are expected to be very independent from a young age.

The "irresponsible" stereotype gets assigned to youngest children, who don't always have incentive to develop independence and self-reliance because there is always someone older around to help them out.

One thing I'll note is that I'm always skeptical of parents who claim that certain negative dynamics don't exist in their family. Until I hear it from the kids (ALL the kids, not just the ones who are happy), I remain skeptical.

Would love to hear from your kids…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who mentioned that parents of 1 or 2 chiming in and being self righteous were not being helpful. Several responded that you had to respond because you were grown adults and the product of three children.

I neglected to point that out in my original post. I am the middle and as this thread would lead you to believe, the worst possible outcome - the second daughter followed by a baby brother. My husband is also a middle child. Guess what? WE LOVE THE DYNAMIC. Even if it at times, we felt the "burden" of being the middle, it made us both incredibly strong and resilant. As adults, we both are probably the closest to our parents - perhaps because of personality or because our parents are also middle children and so we are all crazy.

Any parent with any number of children will tell you if they are being honest that there are moments of bonding and seasons of challenges relating to their children. And any parent of more than one child has to figure out how to split their time, energy and love.

OP - this to shall pass. Do not read into these ridiculous comments. Anyone posting that they didn't have more children bc of their own childhood has more damage than birth order alone. It's absurd to chalk up all the hostility and negative energy to just one factor. Families with more children are more complicated and nuanced but there is also an incredible opportunity to have deep and meaningful sibling bonds that simply don't happen in smaller families. That's a fact.

Wow! Fact huh? YOU are the authority on smaller families having zero experience with them. Hey, calling all psychologists around the world, not to mention OP, we have found the world’s perfect parent! The middle child married to a middle child who has 3 or more children, but is also the expert authority on smaller families. THAT IS A FACT she says! She and her children are too perfect to respond to you OP. They are unicorns.

For all the normal people out there, including OP. There is lots of good useful info here. Yes, the voices of those balanced people from 3 child families; those who decided to have less; those who decided to have 3 and are happy with their choice; and all ranges in between and beyond have great insight. Summed up - there are seasons to parenting and the dynamics change with time. My children are older and I can tell you this is true from my experience. Your kids are young, just wait. Enjoy each child where they are. Some parents of 3 manage to build individual bonds with each successfully. These parents are rare, but it is worth striving to achieve this. Because others have done this successfully, you can too, OP. You are in a great spot by recognizing you have a different bond with the baby. Just know that it will change, and hopefully strengthen, with time.

But OP doesn’t want your family of 2 advice.

I have 3. And many posters here have experience with families with 3 children AND families with 2 children, so your comment makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the oldest from a family w 3 kids. If anything, my parents are more bonded to my youngest sibling than they are to me or my middle sibling. In our family, my middle sibling had the most problems so that child got my parents’ attention, and the youngest was the most agreeable, go with the flow kid who was also the best athlete of 2 very competitive parents. So, in my family my 2 younger siblings got all my parents’ attention and I as the responsible oldest kid was not given much attention at all.

Op, in your situation I’m sure this dynamic will change as your kids get older. If your youngest is still a baby, it’s easy to see why you’re not as bonded yet. A lot of parents don’t bond well w their kids until kids are no longer infants, are verbal.

Something a mom of three would obviously know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These middle children sure sound like the stereotype! No responsibility for themselves, just blame for others. Marcia, Marcia,Marcia. I haven’t met middle children who fit the stereotype so well!

Thankfully, my middle child is nothing like that.

Again, personalities not birth order.

The stereotype is not for middle children to be irresponsible -- if anything they are often over-responsible because they are expected to be very independent from a young age.

The "irresponsible" stereotype gets assigned to youngest children, who don't always have incentive to develop independence and self-reliance because there is always someone older around to help them out.

One thing I'll note is that I'm always skeptical of parents who claim that certain negative dynamics don't exist in their family. Until I hear it from the kids (ALL the kids, not just the ones who are happy), I remain skeptical.

Would love to hear from your kids…

DP
So many books an actual studies on this. You really want to hear antidotes from PPs children?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

Maybe for you, but this is a generalization that does not account for ages, temperaments, etc. This question also wrongly presumes that a parent cannot be strongly bonded to three children. OP is a troll.

It's rare for parents to be equally bonded to all children, especially once you are in the 3+ category. It's ideal, but not that common. Some kids handle it better than others.

DP. Is that based on your personal experience? Or studies or something? I’m thinking about families I know with 3+ kids (my siblings, my friends growing up, extended family, etc) and I think most parents did have strong bonds with all their kids. Of course I grew up UMC with emotionally healthy people. Ymmv.

Based on years of private practice as a therapist, largely to UMC families, middle child syndrome is absolutely a real phenomenon. There is a great deal of literature on this. Birth order isn't everything, but there are common dynamics in families with 3+ children, and the overlooked or invisible middle child is quite common. Often layered with other dynamics.

I don't think this dynamic is automatic, and conscientious parents can take steps to counteract it. But people thinking if having more than 2 children, at any socioeconomic level, should be aware of these issues.

100% correct!

My parents are wealthy and I've always felt invisible as a middle

Op here. This is so interesting to me. If anything I favor my middle and worry about the baby being ignored. I wonder if it just comes down to individual family dynamics.

I have 3 and I think your question is very interesting, OP. I worried when my 3rd was little, too. Everything is fine and I feel very bonded to all of them.

Thank you. It just feels like I know the older two so well and the youngest is still such a baby it's like I don't know much about her if that makes sense.

Yes it makes perfect sense you would know nothing about a baby that is a few months old. Are you even a parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

I don't think the input of other parents with 3 kids is that helpful when the impulse is to say "is love them all equally" or "no this is not a problem." For OP, it is a concern, so those responses aren't useful.

Whereas the responses from people who grew up in 3 kid families are actually useful. People are saying "here's what worked, here's what didn't." It's productive because OP can read them and get real input that could help her now. Even hearing from people who resented being one of three is useful, because if they explain why, OP can avoid those pitfalls.

I think the most useful advice on this thread is a to make sure all your kids have a firm role and identity in the family. That's advice specific to 3 kid families that not everyone heeds but can make a real difference in family harmony.

But op said her therapist asked her to ask other parents of three how they felt about their third. So your opinion doesn’t really matter.

OP is a pathological lying troll though because no parent of three kids knows no otter parents of three kids and no therapist tells a patient to go out and ask parents of three kids if they feel bonded to the third. OP just wants to put families of three down so she started a thread under ridiculous pretenses to do that and has been sick puppeting the entire time to stir the pot. Why anyone feels entitled to judge larger or smaller families is crazy to me. I don’t care if someone only wants one or two kids and no one should care that I have three kids. An optimal number of kids differs in each family. And the idea that any birth order position is inherently ruinous is stupid.

Wow! Seriously, get some help. You seem triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention ([/b]all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2)[b]. That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I‘m not “implying” this. I truly believe it. The same way you believe that your life and your kids lives are “better” because there are more of them.

NP- Ok and what is your point? Are you suggesting we get rid of one of our three kids? Does it make you feel better to come into a thread and tell us we had too many kids? Seriously tend to your own garden.

It’s an anonymous Internet forum. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I could say the same to you. And yet you're spending your precious minutes on earth involving yourself in a thread that has nothing to do with you. Thank god you stopped at two kids.

I’m not having a bad time here. You are. I’m just fine and use DCUM purely for train wreck style entertainment. The same way people watch Bravo.

Thank G-d you stopped at two (or hopefully one). The world needs fewer people like you. Praying your children are sterile and it just ends there…Is this better than Bravo now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

I don't think the input of other parents with 3 kids is that helpful when the impulse is to say "is love them all equally" or "no this is not a problem." For OP, it is a concern, so those responses aren't useful.

Whereas the responses from people who grew up in 3 kid families are actually useful. People are saying "here's what worked, here's what didn't." It's productive because OP can read them and get real input that could help her now. Even hearing from people who resented being one of three is useful, because if they explain why, OP can avoid those pitfalls.

I think the most useful advice on this thread is a to make sure all your kids have a firm role and identity in the family. That's advice specific to 3 kid families that not everyone heeds but can make a real difference in family harmony.

But op said her therapist asked her to ask other parents of three how they felt about their third. So your opinion doesn’t really matter.

OP is a pathological lying troll though because no parent of three kids knows no otter parents of three kids and no therapist tells a patient to go out and ask parents of three kids if they feel bonded to the third. OP just wants to put families of three down so she started a thread under ridiculous pretenses to do that and has been sick puppeting the entire time to stir the pot. Why anyone feels entitled to judge larger or smaller families is crazy to me. I don’t care if someone only wants one or two kids and no one should care that I have three kids. An optimal number of kids differs in each family. And the idea that any birth order position is inherently ruinous is stupid.

Is anybody other than this highly defensive/insecure PP getting troll or pot-stirring vibes from the OP? I'm not! I think she just meant that she isn't close enough with any other 3-kid moms to ask them this question IRL. Not that she literally isn't acquainted with any families with 3 kids. And I don't think she said anything disparaging about families with three kids either. FWIW, I always wanted 3 kids. I have only 2 due to secondary infertility. The age gap between my two is very large, and I did find it hard to bond with the baby when my older child was already like this whole real cool person, not just a toddler/preschooler. It was like the juxtaposition or something just made it harder. But that feeling passed rather shortly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

I don't think the input of other parents with 3 kids is that helpful when the impulse is to say "is love them all equally" or "no this is not a problem." For OP, it is a concern, so those responses aren't useful.

Whereas the responses from people who grew up in 3 kid families are actually useful. People are saying "here's what worked, here's what didn't." It's productive because OP can read them and get real input that could help her now. Even hearing from people who resented being one of three is useful, because if they explain why, OP can avoid those pitfalls.

I think the most useful advice on this thread is a to make sure all your kids have a firm role and identity in the family. That's advice specific to 3 kid families that not everyone heeds but can make a real difference in family harmony.

But op said her therapist asked her to ask other parents of three how they felt about their third. So your opinion doesn’t really matter.

OP is a pathological lying troll though because no parent of three kids knows no otter parents of three kids and no therapist tells a patient to go out and ask parents of three kids if they feel bonded to the third. OP just wants to put families of three down so she started a thread under ridiculous pretenses to do that and has been sick puppeting the entire time to stir the pot. Why anyone feels entitled to judge larger or smaller families is crazy to me. I don’t care if someone only wants one or two kids and no one should care that I have three kids. An optimal number of kids differs in each family. And the idea that any birth order position is inherently ruinous is stupid.

Is anybody other than this highly defensive/insecure PP getting troll or pot-stirring vibes from the OP? I'm not! I think she just meant that she isn't close enough with any other 3-kid moms to ask them this question IRL. Not that she literally isn't acquainted with any families with 3 kids. And I don't think she said anything disparaging about families with three kids either. FWIW, I always wanted 3 kids. I have only 2 due to secondary infertility. The age gap between my two is very large, and I did find it hard to bond with the baby when my older child was already like this whole real cool person, not just a toddler/preschooler. It was like the juxtaposition or something just made it harder. But that feeling passed rather shortly.

Nope. She said she didn’t know any parents of three, hon. But you’re probably the OP sock puppeting so glad you’re able to clarify your lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 3rd. My brother was the oldest. My sister is 1.5 years younger and the two of the are close. I am 5 years younger than my sister. When my siblings went to college, I was still in middle school and ended up spending a lot of time with my parents. I hung around with my parents and their friends often on weekends and I learned our family tongue. My siblings can understand if we speak to them, but I am the only one that is fluent. I am also more bicultural for our family heritage than my siblings. That is one of the reasons that I am closest to my mom even though I'm a guy. My mother always thought she would be closest to her daughter and she is close, just closer with me because of the language and cultural ties. I also acquired my mother's love of cooking and that bonds us as well.

That said, my parents were amazing parents. They managed to convince all three of us that we were their favorites. My brother is the eldest first-born son, so from the family patriarchal heritage, he *KNOWS* he's their favorite. My sister is the only girl and she was always Daddy's girl and she KNOWS that she was my parents favorite. But I am their baby and the one that is culturally more like them and the one that speaks to them in their mother tongue, so I know that I'm the favorite. And, of course, I know that I'm right and they are wrong.

I love this! I hope my 3 kids all feel they are my favorite

Thanks. However, I have been informed my my niece (just turned 30) that Grandma has said that her kids are no longer her favorites; her grandchildren are. So we have been demoted from Mom's favorite. *sigh*