Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading the many comments, some truly remarkably nasty I have concluded that *almost* everyone who has strong feelings about the subject has some personal experience they are pulling from that makes them confident this is inherently the way it is.

Several adults of three sibling families had rough experiences growing up and attribute that directly to the number of children their parents had. Therefore, they had less children and believe strongly others should have two as well.

Some moms of three believe that they are somehow the only people capable of giving parenting advice on a parenting messaging board.

A few seem to be insecure about their own decision or situation and feel the need to justify it to all ends.

And some of you seem just out for a fight.

Either way, not a lot of middle children must be posting because one of them would have formed a peace circle already.

I'm one of the bolded and by no means do I think everyone should only have 2. I think people need to love and treat all their children as individuals, no matter the number. Not all children need the same things from their parents and many parents don't recognize this! I think not acknowledging this fact is what leads to problems, including middle child syndrome.
Then again, I'm also the one who took parenting classes. I only stopped at 2 because I didn't trust myself to not fall into the trap of my upbringing and I stated that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading the many comments, some truly remarkably nasty I have concluded that *almost* everyone who has strong feelings about the subject has some personal experience they are pulling from that makes them confident this is inherently the way it is.

Several adults of three sibling families had rough experiences growing up and attribute that directly to the number of children their parents had. Therefore, they had less children and believe strongly others should have two as well.

Some moms of three believe that they are somehow the only people capable of giving parenting advice on a parenting messaging board.

A few seem to be insecure about their own decision or situation and feel the need to justify it to all ends.

And some of you seem just out for a fight.

Either way, not a lot of middle children must be posting because one of them would have formed a peace circle already.

I'm one of the bolded and by no means do I think everyone should only have 2. I think people need to love and treat all their children as individuals, no matter the number. Not all children need the same things from their parents and many parents don't recognize this! I think not acknowledging this fact is what leads to problems, including middle child syndrome.
Then again, I'm also the one who took parenting classes. I only stopped at 2 because I didn't trust myself to not fall into the trap of my upbringing and I stated that.

I'm also one of the people who talked about middle child syndrome and I don't think everyone should stick with 2 either. One thing I've said a few times on this thread is that it's valuable to be aware of common dysfunctional dynamic in 3-kid families because there are some things you can do to avoid them if you get it. The big one I've found, as a parent, is to make sure all your kids have a role and a sense of belonging in the family. Children need to feel valued, no matter their birth order. Not because they are useful but just because they exist. I think something as simple as letting each of your kids know that you enjoy spending time with them and you are glad they are here, can go a long way to counteracting some of the issue that can arise in a family of any size.

Some on this thread have taken comments like that to mean that I, and others, don't think people should have 3 kids. But that's not what we're saying. We're saying (to OP, who asked) if you have 3 kids, here are some pitfalls and here are some idea for how to address them. I don't wish my parents had had fewer kids. I wish they'd been more thoughtful about how they treated us, and put more effort into making us feel wanted. I think they would have made this mistake no matter how many kids they had, because they didn't understand that kids really need to feel that love and belonging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve yet to see a 3+ kid family where at least one kid has not gone sideways by college.

Ok you’ve got to be kidding. How old are you? Where did you grow up?

I’m 42. Raised in the Midwest. Knew lots of families with 3+ kids. The few kids I knew who “went sideways” by college often dealt with “real” trauma (divorce, death of a parent, drugs). I can’t think of a single person I know where I could “pin” their problems solely on the fact that they had 2+ siblings. That’s… insane.

And since you don’t know any high achieving large families, please virtually meet mine! I’m on of four. We have 2 MDs, 1 JD and 1 MBA. All healthy and happily married in our 40s.

+1
And meet mine - 2 PhDs and one MBA, all in our late 40s with 2-4 kids, married for 16+ years, HHI 600k+. I am the forgotten middle child, but I moved on from that and joke with my family about it. I stopped at 2, but if you met me in person, you'd think I was very well adjusted AND you'd be right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s kind of funny reading through some of these comments: adults who were one of three children, parents who have three children…each claiming, based on their data set of ONE that they have the correct answer to life in a family with three children.

I don't think this is the case. Both perspectives bring something to the conversation as several PPs have also pointed out.

[Anonymous]

Great question, OP! MIL had kids just because she thought it was her job, in the 60's. Odd number, so wanted to put last child in middle child role. Birth order is a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading the many comments, some truly remarkably nasty I have concluded that *almost* everyone who has strong feelings about the subject has some personal experience they are pulling from that makes them confident this is inherently the way it is.

Several adults of three sibling families had rough experiences growing up and attribute that directly to the number of children their parents had. Therefore, they had less children and believe strongly others should have two as well.

Some moms of three believe that they are somehow the only people capable of giving parenting advice on a parenting messaging board.

A few seem to be insecure about their own decision or situation and feel the need to justify it to all ends.

And some of you seem just out for a fight.

Either way, not a lot of middle children must be posting because one of them would have formed a peace circle already.

I'm one of the bolded and by no means do I think everyone should only have 2. I think people need to love and treat all their children as individuals, no matter the number. Not all children need the same things from their parents and many parents don't recognize this! I think not acknowledging this fact is what leads to problems, including middle child syndrome.
Then again, I'm also the one who took parenting classes. I only stopped at 2 because I didn't trust myself to not fall into the trap of my upbringing and I stated that.

I'm also one of the people who talked about middle child syndrome and I don't think everyone should stick with 2 either. One thing I've said a few times on this thread is that it's valuable to be aware of common dysfunctional dynamic in 3-kid families because there are some things you can do to avoid them if you get it. The big one I've found, as a parent, is to make sure all your kids have a role and a sense of belonging in the family. Children need to feel valued, no matter their birth order. Not because they are useful but just because they exist. I think something as simple as letting each of your kids know that you enjoy spending time with them and you are glad they are here, can go a long way to counteracting some of the issue that can arise in a family of any size.

Some on this thread have taken comments like that to mean that I, and others, don't think people should have 3 kids. But that's not what we're saying. We're saying (to OP, who asked) if you have 3 kids, here are some pitfalls and here are some idea for how to address them. I don't wish my parents had had fewer kids. I wish they'd been more thoughtful about how they treated us, and put more effort into making us feel wanted. I think they would have made this mistake no matter how many kids they had, because they didn't understand that kids really need to feel that love and belonging.

+1

Disney even made a movie about this. Encanto!

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read whole thread.

No, not at all. And all the kids get a lot of attention, including middle one.

[Anonymous]

I met a middle child who claimed to be both the favorite AND the overlooked middle child. I asked how that was possible, and he explained he was the well-behaved one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met a middle child who claimed to be both the favorite AND the overlooked middle child. I asked how that was possible, and he explained he was the well-behaved one.

I met him when he was well into adulthood, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In most families:

1st: used
2nd: ignored
3rd: spoiled

This is my observation and experience too. Which is why we stopped at 2. I love my existing children and didn’t want to compromise the quality of our relationships by adding more. Hopefully our DDs never feel used and ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

Yup. So true in most cases. In many families eldest kid has to play adult and do lot of babysitting and chores.

[Anonymous]

No one is going to admit that they use or ignore one or more of their kids, so this thread is kinda pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met a middle child who claimed to be both the favorite AND the overlooked middle child. I asked how that was possible, and he explained he was the well-behaved one.

I met him when he was well into adulthood, BTW.

I found out later in life that my parents appreciated that I was the one who was well-behaved and never caused them problems but I was not the favorite. My oldest sister was my dad's favorite and my younger brother was my mom's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is going to admit that they use or ignore one or more of their kids, so this thread is kinda pointless.

I'm op. That's not what I asked, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is going to admit that they use or ignore one or more of their kids, so this thread is kinda pointless.

I'm op. That's not what I asked, at all.

No one is going to admit what you asked, either. People on this board are way too sanctimonious to admit any failures. No one is going to say, "yeah, I think I had one too many kids."