Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who mentioned that parents of 1 or 2 chiming in and being self righteous were not being helpful. Several responded that you had to respond because you were grown adults and the product of three children.

I neglected to point that out in my original post. I am the middle and as this thread would lead you to believe, the worst possible outcome - the second daughter followed by a baby brother. My husband is also a middle child. Guess what? WE LOVE THE DYNAMIC. Even if it at times, we felt the "burden" of being the middle, it made us both incredibly strong and resilant. As adults, we both are probably the closest to our parents - perhaps because of personality or because our parents are also middle children and so we are all crazy.

Any parent with any number of children will tell you if they are being honest that there are moments of bonding and seasons of challenges relating to their children. And any parent of more than one child has to figure out how to split their time, energy and love.

OP - this to shall pass. Do not read into these ridiculous comments. Anyone posting that they didn't have more children bc of their own childhood has more damage than birth order alone. It's absurd to chalk up all the hostility and negative energy to just one factor. Families with more children are more complicated and nuanced but there is also an incredible opportunity to have deep and meaningful sibling bonds that simply don't happen in smaller families. That's a fact.

1. You have no idea what happens in smaller families, never having been a part of one.

2. Why can't others share their experiences, and you can share your experiences, and OP (who is an adult and who appears to be a reasonably thoughtful person) can take what she wants from whatever people share? Why do you feel the need to police who can post and what they post? Just let people's comments speak for themselves.

You seem controlling and very resistant to ANY negative opinions on this subject. I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who mentioned that parents of 1 or 2 chiming in and being self righteous were not being helpful. Several responded that you had to respond because you were grown adults and the product of three children.

I neglected to point that out in my original post. I am the middle and as this thread would lead you to believe, the worst possible outcome - the second daughter followed by a baby brother. My husband is also a middle child. Guess what? WE LOVE THE DYNAMIC. Even if it at times, we felt the "burden" of being the middle, it made us both incredibly strong and resilant. As adults, we both are probably the closest to our parents - perhaps because of personality or because our parents are also middle children and so we are all crazy.

Any parent with any number of children will tell you if they are being honest that there are moments of bonding and seasons of challenges relating to their children. And any parent of more than one child has to figure out how to split their time, energy and love.

OP - this to shall pass. Do not read into these ridiculous comments. Anyone posting that they didn't have more children bc of their own childhood has more damage than birth order alone. It's absurd to chalk up all the hostility and negative energy to just one factor. Families with more children are more complicated and nuanced but there is also an incredible opportunity to have deep and meaningful sibling bonds that simply don't happen in smaller families. That's a fact.

1. You have no idea what happens in smaller families, never having been a part of one.

2. Why can't others share their experiences, and you can share your experiences, and OP (who is an adult and who appears to be a reasonably thoughtful person) can take what she wants from whatever people share? Why do you feel the need to police who can post and what they post? Just let people's comments speak for themselves.

You seem controlling and very resistant to ANY negative opinions on this subject. I wonder why.

+1. It’s pretty creepy-dictator like to want to silence dissenting opinions.

[Anonymous]

It's actually eight pages of people who are like

I don't have three kids BUT....

I only have two kids BECAUSE...

I would NEVER have more than 2 given...

AND THE SUBJECT LINE IS LITERALLY "Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?"

How would anyone other than a parent of three children actually know the answer to that??? I am not saying you aren't allowed to have an opinion about what works for your family, but you actually really don't have any foresight into the experience of parenting three children, even if you come from 3. So no dictator here, just someone with reading comprehension and actual experience of parenting three children.

[Anonymous]

I'm the most bonded with my third. She has an easy going, cuddly personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who mentioned that parents of 1 or 2 chiming in and being self righteous were not being helpful. Several responded that you had to respond because you were grown adults and the product of three children.

I neglected to point that out in my original post. I am the middle and as this thread would lead you to believe, the worst possible outcome - the second daughter followed by a baby brother. My husband is also a middle child. Guess what? WE LOVE THE DYNAMIC. Even if it at times, we felt the "burden" of being the middle, it made us both incredibly strong and resilant. As adults, we both are probably the closest to our parents - perhaps because of personality or because our parents are also middle children and so we are all crazy.

Any parent with any number of children will tell you if they are being honest that there are moments of bonding and seasons of challenges relating to their children. And any parent of more than one child has to figure out how to split their time, energy and love.

OP - this to shall pass. Do not read into these ridiculous comments. Anyone posting that they didn't have more children bc of their own childhood has more damage than birth order alone. It's absurd to chalk up all the hostility and negative energy to just one factor. Families with more children are more complicated and nuanced but there is also an incredible opportunity to have deep and meaningful sibling bonds that simply don't happen in smaller families. That's a fact.

1. You have no idea what happens in smaller families, never having been a part of one.

2. Why can't others share their experiences, and you can share your experiences, and OP (who is an adult and who appears to be a reasonably thoughtful person) can take what she wants from whatever people share? Why do you feel the need to police who can post and what they post? Just let people's comments speak for themselves.

You seem controlling and very resistant to ANY negative opinions on this subject. I wonder why.

Lol their experience of hating being one of three so they stopped at two? How does that help OP? Should she leave one of her kids at the fire station?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's actually eight pages of people who are like

I don't have three kids BUT....

I only have two kids BECAUSE...

I would NEVER have more than 2 given...

AND THE SUBJECT LINE IS LITERALLY "Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?"

How would anyone other than a parent of three children actually know the answer to that??? I am not saying you aren't allowed to have an opinion about what works for your family, but you actually really don't have any foresight into the experience of parenting three children, even if you come from 3. So no dictator here, just someone with reading comprehension and actual experience of parenting three children.

A lot of the responses are from people who grew up in families of 3 kids. They have varying opinions on how that number of kids impacted bonds with each kid. I think those responses have been useful, and included advice about how to address having a lesser bond with one kid or another. While OP asked to hear from parents of three, I think responses from children who were one-of-three are still squarely on topic and could be useful to OP, since parents don't always know how their kids experience their family dynamic.

Also, early in the thread, it was suggested that it's more common for parents to lose or fail to bond with a middle child in a family of 3 kids. So there have been responses relating to that, because a lot of middle kids and parents of middles have opinions on that. Since a middle kid implies the existence of 3 or more kids, these seem on topic too.

There have been a small minority of responses along the lines you highlight here ("I'd never have more than 2" or "I only had 2 because"). A few, yes, but not the volume you seem to think. Most of us can simply skim past these since they aren't really on topic. If you're really mad, I guess you could report them as off topic. But the amount of anger you have about some mildly off-topic posts is weird. You disagree with them, that's fine. Move along.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention (all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2). That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention (all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2). That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

Kindly, you need a thicker skin. Parents of one, three, and any other number other than two get the judgmental comments from others. YOU know your family is just fine and others' stereotypes are wrong, but it's a fool's errand to think you can convince others by getting upset on the internet. Yes it's tiresome, but it's based on incorrect biases and/or people's insecurities. So just ignore it and let your family speak for itself.

[Anonymous]

I'm a middle and if anything I was the peacemaker in my family and really felt like I had a strong role. My parents did a lot for that too, always calling me the "cream of the oreo" etc etc. Now that I'm a mom, if anything I feel sorry for oldest children. It's so hard to do everything first, and to have your parents be the most hovering, nervous version of themselves in all that you do.

OP, how old is your baby? Both times, it took me a few months after they were born to feel that really tight bond. At first, you are almost just carrying them around still focused 100% on your previous kids, barely noticing them. It will pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The self righteousness of parents with two or less children commenting on this thread is laughable. The subject is "Parents of three...." and yet here you are, four pages into it with these mean and usless comments. Go away!

Three is perfect and I believe there's a season for every child; give yourself grace OP - we all have a stage that is hardest for us to parent and that usually makes the bonding harder as well. I have three, all the same gender and while every relationship is different, I believe they'd all say they are the favorite or least favorite depending on the day.

+1 agree with all of this, including the request for the parents of two who are still constantly trying to justify / talk themselves into their decisions to pipe down.

But yes I feel bonded to all 3, in different ways and more or less so at different times. Kids go through phases, and I may feel more or less “bonded” to that kid as a person during said time…not that it changes in any way how I treat them or how much I love them. For instance, my oldest is in a tough phase right now - she’s having a hard time and is lashing out at me a lot. But she’s 5 and just started K and from talking to other moms, this is a pretty common thing regardless of # of siblings at home. I will continue to attempt to connect with and support her, just as I’ve always done, and I have no doubt she’ll be in the next phase before I know it. Meanwhile my second child is currently easy and fun and open and super interested in connecting with me, so yes I’d say (to strangers, anonymously and not in front of anyone) that I feel more bonded to him currently, but I’m aware that will shift multiple times over time. Kids are people too! My third is an adorable 1.5 year old and I’ve felt very bonded to him from day 1…and he’s still (essentially) a baby and there’s not that potential for complex dynamics just yet

So OP to answer your question, no I don’t feel less bonded to my third; I’d say I have a unique and ever-evolving relationship with each of my children, but also it doesn’t really occur to me to compare strengths of bonds. I can’t tell how serious this feels, but if you’re really not feeling connected at all to your 3rd and you’re concerned, I wonder if it could be PPD?

So your oldest is 5 and that makes you more experienced than the adults who grew up in these homes? Intriguing....I suppose your perfect and have nothing to learn from anyone...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crazy amount of non parents of 3 responding here….

OP, to answer your question as asked: no, I cannot say I relate to this and I don’t feel this way. But I DO wonder if a lot of it could have to do with how young your 3rd still is - depending on if you’re a toddler person or not, although their personality is obviously starting to show already….that will only increase, a lot - and if you’re not a big toddler person, in some ways this age can still often just feel like a lot of neediness and physical effort

Crazy amounts of parents of toddlers here! Like they know anything about bonding with teens or adults…

Too true! I'm a parent of teens. Parenting and bonds 100% change with time.

[Anonymous]

If a bunch of parents of three barged into a thread about onlies and talked about how superior their choice was, people would be rightly annoyed. Not everything is about you. Start your own thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention (all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2). That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

Kindly, you need a thicker skin. Parents of one, three, and any other number other than two get the judgmental comments from others. YOU know your family is just fine and others' stereotypes are wrong, but it's a fool's errand to think you can convince others by getting upset on the internet. Yes it's tiresome, but it's based on incorrect biases and/or people's insecurities. So just ignore it and let your family speak for itself.

DP - it's hard to ignore something that derails an entire thread. No one's trying to convince anyone, we were just trying to answer a question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. I am not mad, I am annoyed by the typical DCUM inability to read, reflect and respond if/only if you have thoughtful and on topic advice. I don't care if it's not "perfect" advice or advice I would give, but it has to follow some sort of general thought process...

A parent of three children asked specifically about losing/lack of bond with their third children.

Aside from a few comments from parents of three, the direction the comments took became "here's why you shouldn't have three children and why middle children are the worst, mainly because they don't get enough love or attention (all while subtly implying no one with a sane brain or decent job or concern for their children would have more than 2). That's common DCUM narrative and its both not helpful in this particular situation and also annoying to hear again and again from a particular (loud) group of self righteous people.

In many other parts of the country and for much of our history 3, 4, and 5 children were not only normal but considered a healthy and thriving family. No one says it is easy - and why ADVICE could be so helpful here. But the beating of up of larger families is tiresome.

I am the person who posted on the first page of the thread that, typically, it is the bond with the middle child that suffers more in a family of 3. I was speaking of one of three and a parent of three. This is quite common and why people talk about middle children having specific issues or needs. I maintain this was on topic.

That a lot of grown middle kids chose to comment on this (both in agreement and not, I'll point out) is unsurprising.

By and large, parents of 3 tend to bond fine with the youngest, and I expect that OP will discover that bond grows as her youngest gets older. My main advice to OP, which I still think is good, is to be thoughtful about how she interacts with and treats her middle child as that is traditionally the relationship that suffers, not the one with the youngest.

My advice to you is to chill out. It's an anonymous message board. If you are getting this worked up about unhelpful or off topic posts, maybe you need a break from DCUM. It's not a big deal and it happens on almost every thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a bunch of parents of three barged into a thread about onlies and talked about how superior their choice was, people would be rightly annoyed. Not everything is about you. Start your own thread.

It happens all the time, though. Go look at thread about onlies. There are often comments from people with more than one, or people critical of families with one child. That's just how these boards all. You just have to deal with it.

IF anything has derailed the thread, it's the posters flipping out over the posts from people with fewer than 3 kids. That's resulted in more focus on those posts than there would have been otherwise.