My good friend’s husband is cheating do I tell her??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. I had a very close friend of 22 years whose husband was cheating on her. I waited until I had solid proof (invited her to a house party that I knew he would attend with another woman while he told her he was at work). She was very upset at me and totally cut me off. As far as I know they’re still together.

How did your friend know that you set up her DH?

OP - choose what to do based on what you think is best - knowing that the future actions of your friend, her DH, etc. are unknown. Your friend may decide to cut you off or not cut you off - but you need to act in accordance with your values and what you think best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. I had a very close friend of 22 years whose husband was cheating on her. I waited until I had solid proof (invited her to a house party that I knew he would attend with another woman while he told her he was at work). She was very upset at me and totally cut me off. As far as I know they’re still together.

How did your friend know that you set up her DH?

OP - choose what to do based on what you think is best - knowing that the future actions of your friend, her DH, etc. are unknown. Your friend may decide to cut you off or not cut you off - but you need to act in accordance with your values and what you think best.

Same PP - and my perspective - this info is really your friend's - and you are merely the messenger. She is not a child - your job is not to protect her. And certainly - do not hide behind anonymity. What is the purpose of that?

[Anonymous]

If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

[Anonymous]

How do you do an anonymous email ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

[Anonymous]

My ex was awful (and cheating) -- but the whole situation also shed a lot of light on what my friends thought of me since I didn't leave earlier, confront, control or whatever they wanted. They suspected - but didn't know anything for sure and would try to confront me with their suspicions. Some were really frustrated and angry with me and I felt just so much shame all the time. I know they had best intentions - but I just really need to work through the process in my own way (with a paid professional). When things did come to light, I didn't go to these friends. I really confided in people who were non-judgmental but empathetic.

I think it's anonymous email. After that, I think be prepared for the friend to be in shock/denial/anger. I think if you want to stay a friend, you try to be a non-judgmental supportive sounding board. It's not as cut-and-dry where you can just ask yourself what you would do in the situation. It's tied to so much else. Thank you for trying to protect your friend - but there are limitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m appalled by some of the answers on this thread. What kind of crappy friendships do y’all have?

If you are truly my friend, tell me - with as much evidence as you have. Be factual. Don’t tell me what to do; just say you know this is a really difficult situation and you will support me and help me whatever I decide to do but that you thought as my friend, you owed it to me to tell me and that you’d want me to do the same.

If I knew a friend knew something like this and didn’t tell me, I’d feel doubly heartbroken and betrayed.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. I had a very close friend of 22 years whose husband was cheating on her. I waited until I had solid proof (invited her to a house party that I knew he would attend with another woman while he told her he was at work). She was very upset at me and totally cut me off. As far as I know they’re still together.

Wait -- I'm not entirely clear; you invited the DH to a party, knew he would bring the other woman, and then invited your friend/the DW to the same party? So she would see him there with OW and know he'd lied about working at the same time?

When I first read it I thought you meant you invited him to a party to see if he'd bring OW and confirm your suspicions. But am I right that you invited his DW as well? Engineering a face-to-face meeting between her and DH with his OW by his side? Did your friend, the DW, know that she was going to this party because you'd done it to set him up and prove to her that he was cheating, or did she not know and she turned up for a party jnaware she'd be confronted by this with no warning?

Because if she didn't know she was coming to your party in order to out her DH -- WOW, you blindsided her. I would understand her cutting you off in anger at blindsiding her, rather than telling her. Am I just misreading the whole party scenario? I hope so. The fact they're still together is irrelevant to the situation with you as her friend getting cut off, I think.

[Anonymous]

I had a very close friend who was engaged. He was a sleazebag (which she knew but stayed with him anyway) but she was moving forward.

That guy hit on me - grossly, undeniably, while stone cold sober.

I told her. She thanked me and believed me - she knew in her gut who she was with.

I saw her once after that - she stayed with him and couldn't bear to maintain the friendship with me.

I miss her terribly but feel like I made the decision that was right for me. I don't think I could have been able to spend time with her if I hadn't told her. It was a tough call, and I lost the firendship but I feel morally sound about the decision I made.

You're in a tough spot OP. You have to do what feels morally right, what is line with the nature of the friendship you have with her, and what consequences you're prepared to suffer.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them either anonymously through an email (assuming it wouldn’t go to junk) or in person. If in person would say that there would be no judgement if they already knew or regarding what they decide to do with the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a very close friend who was engaged. He was a sleazebag (which she knew but stayed with him anyway) but she was moving forward.

That guy hit on me - grossly, undeniably, while stone cold sober.

I told her. She thanked me and believed me - she knew in her gut who she was with.

I saw her once after that - she stayed with him and couldn't bear to maintain the friendship with me.

I miss her terribly but feel like I made the decision that was right for me. I don't think I could have been able to spend time with her if I hadn't told her. It was a tough call, and I lost the firendship but I feel morally sound about the decision I made.

You're in a tough spot OP. You have to do what feels morally right, what is line with the nature of the friendship you have with her, and what consequences you're prepared to suffer.

DP. Such a good reply. I'm sorry your friend probably was afraid to be alone and chose a sleaze rather than being alone. And of course he likely has cheated on her. You did the right thing as her friend and gave her information she needed to proceed with full understanding; she just chose to proceed in a direction most of us can't comprehend, but at least she had ALL the facts when she made that choice. You did the right thing for both her and yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could tell her anonymously with a burner email, possibly, if you’re worried about her friendship

+1

You can’t win in this situation, sometimes people shoot the messenger, sometimes people don’t have the courage to end their cheating relationship but that means that they can’t face you again either.

If you stay quiet she will probably read your feigned surprise when she does tell you, close friends can’t lie to each other, she will most likely fade out the friendship with you.

It’s a really hard position to be in, it’s certainly not ideal but the burner email address might be the lesser of all evil’s. Don’t get too wordy with what you know and maybe try to write it in such a way that it doesn’t necessarily have to be from you. If she brings the email up then you need to drop your cover and have an honest talk and the chips will fall where they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminded me of the story of this DCUM wife who sent sexy underwear to her cheating husband in the mail. I don’t remember whether she did it anonymously or used the AP’s name but it ignited a fight between his AP and DH 🤣

I remember that post! She was a special kind of evil genius.

Dang it! I remember it but not the details. How did she do it? It must’ve been sent to the husband with AP’s name, right?

[Anonymous]

I would try to tell her anonymously via text or email.

I had a very good friend whose boyfriend was cheating on her. I told her and she ended up choosing the boyfriend over me. He attacked me and everything about me. They eventually broke up and she acted like nothing happened.

Similar thing happened to other friends. Friend saw friend’s boyfriend making out with another girl. Friend chose boyfriend and made it seem like other friend was gossiping and lying. We continued to hang out in a group and friend’s boyfriend would act like nothing happened but the friend acted coldly. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe she truly believed the boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.