My good friend’s husband is cheating do I tell her??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the male posters do not ant op to tell. Most of the female posters think OP should tell.

I think, OP should send an anonymous email. Also, any proof that she has. If you tell the friend openly she will have misplaced anger towards you.

I am a woman. Keep your mouth shut. Don't assume people who advise MYOB are male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend and you are for certain her Dh is cheating, then you tell her.

You tell her it’s none of your business how she decides to handle the situation but that you love her and are there for her no matter what she decides.

I would be so upset if a close friend kept something so important like this from me.

I would be more upset that a friend would make me consider a divorce when I wouldn't know otherwise. I would stop speaking to that friend even if I did get a divorce as a result. The friend more than the husband would be responsible for blowing up my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

No, I have a practical and logical way of looking at things. Most women are ridiculous and look through an emotional lens. That is dumb (I am a woman).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend and you are for certain her Dh is cheating, then you tell her.

You tell her it’s none of your business how she decides to handle the situation but that you love her and are there for her no matter what she decides.

I would be so upset if a close friend kept something so important like this from me.

I would be more upset that a friend would make me consider a divorce when I wouldn't know otherwise. I would stop speaking to that friend even if I did get a divorce as a result. The friend more than the husband would be responsible for blowing up my life.

You must have a different kind of marriage than most of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

STDs are neither logical nor emotional. They are infectious. And a terribly crushing way to find out your spouse has been cheating. But I'm betting you're one of the "Don't ask, don't tell, STDs aren't a thing, no one gets hurt by what they dont' know about" people on this thread. It's a mentality that enables cheaters. Some people are good enough friends and decent enough people that they want their friends to operate in life with all the relevant information--like whether their spouse is the person they believe they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

No, I have a practical and logical way of looking at things. Most women are ridiculous and look through an emotional lens. That is dumb (I am a woman).

How is it either practical or logical to live in a fantasy world? That's what happens to women who blithely go along unaware their husbands are cheating. Worse for women who know about it and look the other way and pretend all is fine. How is either of those choices great? Financially practical is the only thing I can see there, for some women. Otherwise? They're in la-la land and I'd think a non-emotional woman like you would decry living that way....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

STDs are neither logical nor emotional. They are infectious. And a terribly crushing way to find out your spouse has been cheating. But I'm betting you're one of the "Don't ask, don't tell, STDs aren't a thing, no one gets hurt by what they dont' know about" people on this thread. It's a mentality that enables cheaters. Some people are good enough friends and decent enough people that they want their friends to operate in life with all the relevant information--like whether their spouse is the person they believe they are.

Jesus Christ. We get it. Your ex-H cheated and gave you herpes. That’s terrible and I’m sorry. But stop spamming the thread with the same point over and over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

STDs are neither logical nor emotional. They are infectious. And a terribly crushing way to find out your spouse has been cheating. But I'm betting you're one of the "Don't ask, don't tell, STDs aren't a thing, no one gets hurt by what they dont' know about" people on this thread. It's a mentality that enables cheaters. Some people are good enough friends and decent enough people that they want their friends to operate in life with all the relevant information--like whether their spouse is the person they believe they are.

Jesus Christ. We get it. Your ex-H cheated and gave you herpes. That’s terrible and I’m sorry. But stop spamming the thread with the same point over and over and over.

I’m not that poster and I commented about the dangers of STIs and bodily fluid over others -being blind sided about non-monogamy.

Not everyone is a dirty Ho that doesn’t care about a supposed exclusive partner sticking it in many others. And, if you look at the rates of AM and old affair use- there are tons of married people finding randos online and taking their word about being clean. It’s so naive to be so adamant your scumbag Ap is true to you only and clean. I have a bridge to sell you…

[Anonymous]

I’m an open book and I value honesty and transparency. I would not hide damning info like that from someone I consider a good friend.

Someone I was a mere acquaintance and really didn’t know well is one thing, but anyone dear to me : a friend or sibling…I am sitting them down, having the tough conversation and being supportive of whatever that want to do. I’m not judging them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend and you are for certain her Dh is cheating, then you tell her.

You tell her it’s none of your business how she decides to handle the situation but that you love her and are there for her no matter what she decides.

I would be so upset if a close friend kept something so important like this from me.

I would be more upset that a friend would make me consider a divorce when I wouldn't know otherwise. I would stop speaking to that friend even if I did get a divorce as a result. The friend more than the husband would be responsible for blowing up my life.

You must have a different kind of marriage than most of us.

If she doesn’t know, her life is not blown up. A person should not get involved with blowing up somebody else’s life. A friend telling could cause a divorce that might never happen otherwise. That is worse than the original offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

No, I have a practical and logical way of looking at things. Most women are ridiculous and look through an emotional lens. That is dumb (I am a woman).

How is it either practical or logical to live in a fantasy world? That's what happens to women who blithely go along unaware their husbands are cheating. Worse for women who know about it and look the other way and pretend all is fine. How is either of those choices great? Financially practical is the only thing I can see there, for some women. Otherwise? They're in la-la land and I'd think a non-emotional woman like you would decry living that way....

Financially they are better off; don’t underestimate the problem divorce causes with coparenting and finances. It’s worse than being married in a lot of cases…even with infidelity. Marriage is about more than sex: it is a financial contact.

[Anonymous]

Contract

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anonymous note in mail

This sounds good.