Getting over my affair partner.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

OP what you are about to experience in terms of the evolution in how you feel about yourself when the AP does not contact you is going to be very hard. I am sorry to tell you.

He didn’t care. He obviously was in it for sex. He had ONS prior. You were another hole, an escape from himself.

The sooner you know you meant nothing the better. Otherwise, you stay in this stupid delusional world you made up in your mind.

It is possible to help OP come to terms without using degrading language like "another hole." His feelings for her may have been genuine or maybe what he said to get laid, or both. You do not know. He told his own father that he loved her. But in the end chose his wife. Sorry you were betrayed but there is no reason to crap on an obviously flawed and confused person. You are not perfect either.

OP is in need of SERIOUS therapy and her husband is in need of a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I want to point out that being upset about another man dumping you, but telling your husband that it's because of him/the marriage, is adding insult to injury. Yes, it's common for the self-absorption that led you to an affair to bleed over into the aftermath, but again, your spouse didn't deserve any of this. The least you can do is not blame or manipulate them for comfort.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, almost no reasonable therapist would tell you to tell your DH unless you 100% will be outed. Don’t blow it up. You have a chance to recover. If you want to stay married, do whatever you can to keep it secret and so intense work with a therapist. That’s most likely the best outcome for everyone.

This. x1000. Get help and move on.

Keeping secrets is the opposite of therapeutic.

Complete BS.

Therapeutic for who? Often it's just so the person doesn't have to carry secrets anymore, but others are harmed in the telling.

OP here. I am very reluctant to tell my husband for multiple reasons. I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt him, our daughter or myself. Extended family would be hurt too. Baring this weight of this guilt is extremely hard right now. I almost feel like telling my husband would be a huge relief for me. I don’t know what to do.

What about your other kid(s)? At 14:06, you said your “children” are in elementary school. Did you misplace one?

I have a daughter going into 2nd grade and another going into Kindergarten.

So which daughter did you leave out?

Mother of the year! Let’s hope these girls don’t turn out like their ho mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to point out that being upset about another man dumping you, but telling your husband that it's because of him/the marriage, is adding insult to injury. Yes, it's common for the self-absorption that led you to an affair to bleed over into the aftermath, but again, your spouse didn't deserve any of this. The least you can do is not blame or manipulate them for comfort.

She’s gross. She’s all about shirking responsibility and blame for her lies and stepping out. Wah wah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

Obviously he cares about repairing his life with his wife more than he cares about you. Do you really want to interact with him after he made that choice? Block him and move on with your life.

OP here.

Yes, logically, I know that, but I can’t seem to force myself to move on right now.

With time you will. With time you will begin to feel actual guilt towards the innocent people that you hurt. You will also understand that sleeping with a married man was a super trashy thing to do and not sexy or subversive or whatever you thought it was. Not to mention whatever happens if your husband finds out. He might leave you, you might lose custody of your kids and marital assets. It’s going to feel super bad for a pretty long time, but these are the results of your choices.

-been there done that

Let’s hope so.

From what she’s written, it’s doubtful. It’s all about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

OP here. I’m very torn. In a way, telling would be a relief to me. However, this would crush my husband. I’m still so emotional right now.

PP from 16:46 again. First of all, I’d suggest not doing anything momentous while you’re still reeling. Second, recognize that building back to a long-term relationship with your husband means you can’t keep this HUGE secret from him. Doing that would be deciding that your comfort, and his, are worth living the rest of your life as a truly immoral person. It’s not too late to take the high road. Third: yes, this will crush him. It did me. I found out more than a month after it was over, so could at least know that she had concluded that she wanted me and not him. Fourth: he may leave you. That’s one potential consequence of your actions. Own it, and give him the right to live in a future of his choosing, not some fiction you want for him. Fifth: however this turns out, you will get through this. He will. Your kids will. Yes, there will forever be repercussions. But there’s really no reliable easy way out, so don’t pretend there is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

OP here. I’m very torn. In a way, telling would be a relief to me. However, this would crush my husband. I’m still so emotional right now.

PP from 16:46 again. First of all, I’d suggest not doing anything momentous while you’re still reeling. Second, recognize that building back to a long-term relationship with your husband means you can’t keep this HUGE secret from him. Doing that would be deciding that your comfort, and his, are worth living the rest of your life as a truly immoral person. It’s not too late to take the high road. Third: yes, this will crush him. It did me. I found out more than a month after it was over, so could at least know that she had concluded that she wanted me and not him. Fourth: he may leave you. That’s one potential consequence of your actions. Own it, and give him the right to live in a future of his choosing, not some fiction you want for him. Fifth: however this turns out, you will get through this. He will. Your kids will. Yes, there will forever be repercussions. But there’s really no reliable easy way out, so don’t pretend there is.

But what if he hadn’t dumped her?One month after she likely was getting over being dumped. Are you sure she chose you or just that he did not choose her. Women are about exit affairs so I see this a lot.

I hope she actually realizes the significant trauma she caused many people.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a significant trauma to your family. It may never recover from your affair. You are part of that family and bear the responsibility for the trauma as well as the weight of its effects on you personally.

As you have seen, very few people will be able to empathize with what you are going through.

You asked how to move on. This is how. Don’t contact him. Be sad about it. Stop lying to your husband and start working harder on yourself. Continue not contacting him. Talk through disclosing pros/cons with your therapist and recognize that you are not in an emotional state to make good decisions right now. Given the not good decisions that led you here, slowing down until you can do better makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

OP here. I’m very torn. In a way, telling would be a relief to me. However, this would crush my husband. I’m still so emotional right now.

PP from 16:46 again. First of all, I’d suggest not doing anything momentous while you’re still reeling. Second, recognize that building back to a long-term relationship with your husband means you can’t keep this HUGE secret from him. Doing that would be deciding that your comfort, and his, are worth living the rest of your life as a truly immoral person. It’s not too late to take the high road. Third: yes, this will crush him. It did me. I found out more than a month after it was over, so could at least know that she had concluded that she wanted me and not him. Fourth: he may leave you. That’s one potential consequence of your actions. Own it, and give him the right to live in a future of his choosing, not some fiction you want for him. Fifth: however this turns out, you will get through this. He will. Your kids will. Yes, there will forever be repercussions. But there’s really no reliable easy way out, so don’t pretend there is.

But what if he hadn’t dumped her?One month after she likely was getting over being dumped. Are you sure she chose you or just that he did not choose her. Women are about exit affairs so I see this a lot.

I know you’re right and I’ll never for sure know what the circumstances were. It was more than 20 years ago and it still hurts to remember it. We all get scars as we age.

[Anonymous]

OP, may I suggest visiting the site Surviving Infidelity. There is a Wayward section for you to post in, with people who have been in the same position as you. Though don't expect coddling...it is a lot of "2x4s" in order to push you out of the affair fog and see the reality of your situation and help you move forward.

I would also read (read only, do not post there) the Just Found Out section. It will give you insight to how betrayed spouses feel, especially at first. I think it's important for you to start seeing other perspectives of an affair. When in the affair, we do mental gymnastics in our head in order to justify our actions. It's hard to break that cycle and reading others' experiences can help in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

OP what you are about to experience in terms of the evolution in how you feel about yourself when the AP does not contact you is going to be very hard. I am sorry to tell you.

He didn’t care. He obviously was in it for sex. He had ONS prior. You were another hole, an escape from himself.

The sooner you know you meant nothing the better. Otherwise, you stay in this stupid delusional world you made up in your mind.

It is possible to help OP come to terms without using degrading language like "another hole." His feelings for her may have been genuine or maybe what he said to get laid, or both. You do not know. He told his own father that he loved her. But in the end chose his wife. Sorry you were betrayed but there is no reason to crap on an obviously flawed and confused person. You are not perfect either.

NP. I’m fine with crapping on OP, but calling any woman a “hole” is degrading to all women because of one of us can be reduced to her vagina, we all can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, may I suggest visiting the site Surviving Infidelity. There is a Wayward section for you to post in, with people who have been in the same position as you. Though don't expect coddling...it is a lot of "2x4s" in order to push you out of the affair fog and see the reality of your situation and help you move forward.

I would also read (read only, do not post there) the Just Found Out section. It will give you insight to how betrayed spouses feel, especially at first. I think it's important for you to start seeing other perspectives of an affair. When in the affair, we do mental gymnastics in our head in order to justify our actions. It's hard to break that cycle and reading others' experiences can help in that regard.

OP here.

Thank you so much for this. I signed up & I am waiting to be approved. Any resources are so helpful to me right now.

[Anonymous]

OP read this post: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/137622/maias-withdrawal-survival-guide-repost-for-newbies/

I related to so much of it, especially the part about not wanting to do the right thing- you still have to do the right thing, and the wanting will come later, and you will be glad you did.

For me, I am the one who broke things off and confessed to my husband and I’m glad I did. It was only an emotional affair but it was intense, but I think DH did feel better that I didn’t reach the physical point with AP. I definitely relate to all of your feelings, OP. We are definitely broken people and we need to work on ourselves and we can never fix what we have broken but we can heal and never hurt others in this way again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.