Getting over my affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

OP here. I’m very torn. In a way, telling would be a relief to me. However, this would crush my husband. I’m still so emotional right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, almost no reasonable therapist would tell you to tell your DH unless you 100% will be outed. Don’t blow it up. You have a chance to recover. If you want to stay married, do whatever you can to keep it secret and so intense work with a therapist. That’s most likely the best outcome for everyone.

This. x1000. Get help and move on.

Keeping secrets is the opposite of therapeutic.

Complete BS.

Therapeutic for who? Often it's just so the person doesn't have to carry secrets anymore, but others are harmed in the telling.

OP here. I am very reluctant to tell my husband for multiple reasons. I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt him, our daughter or myself. Extended family would be hurt too. Baring this weight of this guilt is extremely hard right now. I almost feel like telling my husband would be a huge relief for me. I don’t know what to do.

You have already hurt yourself either way. You do not fully understand these words right now. But with much time and reflection, you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

OP what you are about to experience in terms of the evolution in how you feel about yourself when the AP does not contact you is going to be very hard. I am sorry to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

Obviously he cares about repairing his life with his wife more than he cares about you. Do you really want to interact with him after he made that choice? Block him and move on with your life.

OP here.

Yes, logically, I know that, but I can’t seem to force myself to move on right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

She blew up her life the minute she kept letting another guy continually stick it in her and talk for hours behind spouses back.

She’s gross.

[Anonymous]

Affairs are often like eating an overly rich piece of cake that makes you sick later. In the moment when you were scarfing down the cake, you felt like you wanted nothing more. But later you realized how bad it was for you. Your memory of the episode is one of "oh god, that was not worth it." He's already had the long night on the bathroom floor; you haven't. So your perspectives on the affair are different, mainly because he sees his actions reflected in his wife's eyes. You are living in a bubble still.

FYI, if the BW is searching certain key words, she may find this post, and she'll certainly recognize all the details. You should really find a private outlet for these feelings. There's a private OW forum where you have to post consistently to gain access . . . google True Support. Though heads up, you won't find that much tough love there; it's insulated from the outside world so that they don't have to hear any true criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

Obviously he cares about repairing his life with his wife more than he cares about you. Do you really want to interact with him after he made that choice? Block him and move on with your life.

OP here.

Yes, logically, I know that, but I can’t seem to force myself to move on right now.

Once his wife tells your husband, you will snap out of it instantly. You haven’t faced any real consequences if your actions do you are still in a slut fog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

Obviously he cares about repairing his life with his wife more than he cares about you. Do you really want to interact with him after he made that choice? Block him and move on with your life.

OP here.

Yes, logically, I know that, but I can’t seem to force myself to move on right now.

With time you will. With time you will begin to feel actual guilt towards the innocent people that you hurt. You will also understand that sleeping with a married man was a super trashy thing to do and not sexy or subversive or whatever you thought it was. Not to mention whatever happens if your husband finds out. He might leave you, you might lose custody of your kids and marital assets. It’s going to feel super bad for a pretty long time, but these are the results of your choices.

-been there done that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

Obviously he cares about repairing his life with his wife more than he cares about you. Do you really want to interact with him after he made that choice? Block him and move on with your life.

Some men are smart this way. Notice what he did: he confessed bc it preserved the honesty in his marriage. He gave his wife agency. He can say to her, I did a bad thing, I regret my actions, please forgive me; and she will, bc he is not continuing a sustained lie (the real thing that wives live over). He will not lose his assets or his family, nor will his wife. OP, on the other hand, would probably lose her husband & be vilified if she confessed, bc that is the difference between men and women.

If he wanted to leave his wife he would be accompanying the confession with "and I want a divorce."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

OP what you are about to experience in terms of the evolution in how you feel about yourself when the AP does not contact you is going to be very hard. I am sorry to tell you.

He didn’t care. He obviously was in it for sex. He had ONS prior. You were another hole, an escape from himself.

The sooner you know you meant nothing the better. Otherwise, you stay in this stupid delusional world you made up in your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

Obviously he cares about repairing his life with his wife more than he cares about you. Do you really want to interact with him after he made that choice? Block him and move on with your life.

OP here.

Yes, logically, I know that, but I can’t seem to force myself to move on right now.

With time you will. With time you will begin to feel actual guilt towards the innocent people that you hurt. You will also understand that sleeping with a married man was a super trashy thing to do and not sexy or subversive or whatever you thought it was. Not to mention whatever happens if your husband finds out. He might leave you, you might lose custody of your kids and marital assets. It’s going to feel super bad for a pretty long time, but these are the results of your choices.

-been there done that

Let’s hope so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To OP -
I am in an affair right now . Reading this has been helpful . I am in love with him and he says he is also with me . However , kids are involved which makes me hesitant to leave . I also second what people on here are saying that affairs are a fun fantasy . Like my AP and I don’t have to discuss bills , raising kids together . All the mundane stressful things that married people do together . But I was in the same situation as you where my husband and I struggled with conflicts for years and then he seemed to have decreasing desire for me . He refuses to go to therapy . The attention and love my AP gives me is indeed addicting . There is a big draw to be that good mom to your kids and stay with you husband and try to work on things through therapy . I wish you the best of luck and sorry for your pain .

Pp, please end the affair for the sake of your children. I realized something while I was mourning my relationship with AP, which I very reluctantly ended- when I was a child the adults in my life all declined to just do the right thing for their own selfish reasons. By staying in the affair, I was doing the same thing to my kids and AP’s kids and passing on that trauma to the next generation- to FIVE kids, all because I messed up as an adult. Yes, my fake affair “happiness” is gone, that rush is gone, the excitement is gone, but I’ve “sacrificed” my own happiness before for far less.

OP here. If you don’t mind me asking, do you feel relieved? How long did it take you to get over the initial consuming sadness?

I don’t know if I would call it relief- more of a conviction that no matter what I simply cannot contact this person ever again. My marriage was imploding simultaneously and it took a couple of months to regain my equilibrium. But your sanity will eventually come back, sort of in spurts. To this day I still occasionally fantasize about AP but the thought of contacting him makes me sick.

OP here. My grief with this is coming in waves. The longer that he goes without texting, the more I feel like he didn’t care, if that makes any sense.

OP what you are about to experience in terms of the evolution in how you feel about yourself when the AP does not contact you is going to be very hard. I am sorry to tell you.

He didn’t care. He obviously was in it for sex. He had ONS prior. You were another hole, an escape from himself.

The sooner you know you meant nothing the better. Otherwise, you stay in this stupid delusional world you made up in your mind.

It is possible to help OP come to terms without using degrading language like "another hole." His feelings for her may have been genuine or maybe what he said to get laid, or both. You do not know. He told his own father that he loved her. But in the end chose his wife. Sorry you were betrayed but there is no reason to crap on an obviously flawed and confused person. You are not perfect either.

[Anonymous]

Tell your spouse.

[Anonymous]

GOD, the fkkllg drama. Snap the F out if it. One thing all these AP/OW have in common is there frickin dramatics.

You aren’t Juliet and he wasn’t Romeo.

You were a couple of nasty married people in a suburban life. Stop reading the gdamn chic lit and romance novels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, almost no reasonable therapist would tell you to tell your DH unless you 100% will be outed. Don’t blow it up. You have a chance to recover. If you want to stay married, do whatever you can to keep it secret and so intense work with a therapist. That’s most likely the best outcome for everyone.

This. x1000. Get help and move on.

Keeping secrets is the opposite of therapeutic.

Complete BS.

Therapeutic for who? Often it's just so the person doesn't have to carry secrets anymore, but others are harmed in the telling.

OP here. I am very reluctant to tell my husband for multiple reasons. I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt him, our daughter or myself. Extended family would be hurt too. Baring this weight of this guilt is extremely hard right now. I almost feel like telling my husband would be a huge relief for me. I don’t know what to do.

What about your other kid(s)? At 14:06, you said your “children” are in elementary school. Did you misplace one?

I have a daughter going into 2nd grade and another going into Kindergarten.

So which daughter did you leave out?