Getting over my affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

+[

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, how are you? How did things turn out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

He hasn't reached out to you because he's currently love bombing his wife, having intense hysterical bonding s*X, and trying to salvage what he broke. He doesn't care about you. Men will say whatever to get in your pants. He CHOSE to TELL HIS WIFE.

Totally disagree. If things were so great with his wife then why was he talking for hours with another woman and clearly involved in a relationship that was more than just s$x?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

He hasn't reached out to you because he's currently love bombing his wife, having intense hysterical bonding s*X, and trying to salvage what he broke. He doesn't care about you. Men will say whatever to get in your pants. He CHOSE to TELL HIS WIFE.

Totally disagree. If things were so great with his wife then why was he talking for hours with another woman and clearly involved in a relationship that was more than just s$x?

Most men who have affairs report being happy at home. It's not about finding a replacement for their wife . . . it's about having their cake and eating it too. In OP's case, he felt guilt, and the guilt caused him to confess, and once he confessed having his cake and eating it too wasn't on the menu anymore. He was forced to give one of them up.

Love bombing and hysterical bonding are common reactions to an affair. Once the bubble bursts and the cheater isn't starring in their own show with episodes such as "I'm Such Hot Stuff" and "Poor Me, Married to Such a Wretch," and they find that their main show, "Loving Husband and Father," is going to get cancelled, suddenly all they want is to keep the primary show running.

[Anonymous]

His total and complete silence is telling. Cease and desist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

He hasn't reached out to you because he's currently love bombing his wife, having intense hysterical bonding s*X, and trying to salvage what he broke. He doesn't care about you. Men will say whatever to get in your pants. He CHOSE to TELL HIS WIFE.

Totally disagree. If things were so great with his wife then why was he talking for hours with another woman and clearly involved in a relationship that was more than just s$x?

Most men who have affairs report being happy at home. It's not about finding a replacement for their wife . . . it's about having their cake and eating it too. In OP's case, he felt guilt, and the guilt caused him to confess, and once he confessed having his cake and eating it too wasn't on the menu anymore. He was forced to give one of them up.

Love bombing and hysterical bonding are common reactions to an affair. Once the bubble bursts and the cheater isn't starring in their own show with episodes such as "I'm Such Hot Stuff" and "Poor Me, Married to Such a Wretch," and they find that their main show, "Loving Husband and Father," is going to get cancelled, suddenly all they want is to keep the primary show running.

Except for those men who end up leaving their marriage for the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

He hasn't reached out to you because he's currently love bombing his wife, having intense hysterical bonding s*X, and trying to salvage what he broke. He doesn't care about you. Men will say whatever to get in your pants. He CHOSE to TELL HIS WIFE.

Totally disagree. If things were so great with his wife then why was he talking for hours with another woman and clearly involved in a relationship that was more than just s$x?

Most men who have affairs report being happy at home. It's not about finding a replacement for their wife . . . it's about having their cake and eating it too. In OP's case, he felt guilt, and the guilt caused him to confess, and once he confessed having his cake and eating it too wasn't on the menu anymore. He was forced to give one of them up.

Love bombing and hysterical bonding are common reactions to an affair. Once the bubble bursts and the cheater isn't starring in their own show with episodes such as "I'm Such Hot Stuff" and "Poor Me, Married to Such a Wretch," and they find that their main show, "Loving Husband and Father," is going to get cancelled, suddenly all they want is to keep the primary show running.

Except for those men who end up leaving their marriage for the AP.

That certainly happens. Every rule has an exception. But in terms of the research, this is what happens from most frequent to least frequent:
*married couple stays together** (something like 2/3 or 3/4 of all cases)
*married couple divorces and the newly single cheater decides to have a fresh start instead of committing to the OW
*married couple divorces, APs give it a go, doesn't last
*married couple divorces and APs become a long-lasting, monogamous relationship

**In this case, the affair may or may not resume, or the cheater may have more affairs. We don't know. But most couples do not divorce.

Remember, all second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Absolutely there are APs who, despite being dinged for choosing to have an affair, have enough self-awareness, maturity, commitment etc. to make it work out in the open. But there's a lot of overlap between "people who choose to have affairs" and "people with a host of crap coping skills" and anyone with a lot of baggage and flaws is going to have long odds when it comes to building a relationship in the chaotic aftermath of a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

He hasn't reached out to you because he's currently love bombing his wife, having intense hysterical bonding s*X, and trying to salvage what he broke. He doesn't care about you. Men will say whatever to get in your pants. He CHOSE to TELL HIS WIFE.

Totally disagree. If things were so great with his wife then why was he talking for hours with another woman and clearly involved in a relationship that was more than just s$x?

Most men who have affairs report being happy at home. It's not about finding a replacement for their wife . . . it's about having their cake and eating it too. In OP's case, he felt guilt, and the guilt caused him to confess, and once he confessed having his cake and eating it too wasn't on the menu anymore. He was forced to give one of them up.

Love bombing and hysterical bonding are common reactions to an affair. Once the bubble bursts and the cheater isn't starring in their own show with episodes such as "I'm Such Hot Stuff" and "Poor Me, Married to Such a Wretch," and they find that their main show, "Loving Husband and Father," is going to get cancelled, suddenly all they want is to keep the primary show running.

Except for those men who end up leaving their marriage for the AP.

That certainly happens. Every rule has an exception. But in terms of the research, this is what happens from most frequent to least frequent:
*married couple stays together** (something like 2/3 or 3/4 of all cases)
*married couple divorces and the newly single cheater decides to have a fresh start instead of committing to the OW
*married couple divorces, APs give it a go, doesn't last
*married couple divorces and APs become a long-lasting, monogamous relationship

**In this case, the affair may or may not resume, or the cheater may have more affairs. We don't know. But most couples do not divorce.

Remember, all second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Absolutely there are APs who, despite being dinged for choosing to have an affair, have enough self-awareness, maturity, commitment etc. to make it work out in the open. But there's a lot of overlap between "people who choose to have affairs" and "people with a host of crap coping skills" and anyone with a lot of baggage and flaws is going to have long odds when it comes to building a relationship in the chaotic aftermath of a divorce.

There are some second marriages and relationships after divorces that were probably secretly APs but they presented it to the world as a "fresh start."

I think the cases where the two end up together are often "upgrade" situations (financially and/or looks-wise, sometimes both).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

He hasn't reached out to you because he's currently love bombing his wife, having intense hysterical bonding s*X, and trying to salvage what he broke. He doesn't care about you. Men will say whatever to get in your pants. He CHOSE to TELL HIS WIFE.

Totally disagree. If things were so great with his wife then why was he talking for hours with another woman and clearly involved in a relationship that was more than just s$x?

Most men who have affairs report being happy at home. It's not about finding a replacement for their wife . . . it's about having their cake and eating it too. In OP's case, he felt guilt, and the guilt caused him to confess, and once he confessed having his cake and eating it too wasn't on the menu anymore. He was forced to give one of them up.

Love bombing and hysterical bonding are common reactions to an affair. Once the bubble bursts and the cheater isn't starring in their own show with episodes such as "I'm Such Hot Stuff" and "Poor Me, Married to Such a Wretch," and they find that their main show, "Loving Husband and Father," is going to get cancelled, suddenly all they want is to keep the primary show running.

Except for those men who end up leaving their marriage for the AP.

That certainly happens. Every rule has an exception. But in terms of the research, this is what happens from most frequent to least frequent:
*married couple stays together** (something like 2/3 or 3/4 of all cases)
*married couple divorces and the newly single cheater decides to have a fresh start instead of committing to the OW
*married couple divorces, APs give it a go, doesn't last
*married couple divorces and APs become a long-lasting, monogamous relationship

**In this case, the affair may or may not resume, or the cheater may have more affairs. We don't know. But most couples do not divorce.

Remember, all second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Absolutely there are APs who, despite being dinged for choosing to have an affair, have enough self-awareness, maturity, commitment etc. to make it work out in the open. But there's a lot of overlap between "people who choose to have affairs" and "people with a host of crap coping skills" and anyone with a lot of baggage and flaws is going to have long odds when it comes to building a relationship in the chaotic aftermath of a divorce.

There are some second marriages and relationships after divorces that were probably secretly APs but they presented it to the world as a "fresh start."

I think the cases where the two end up together are often "upgrade" situations (financially and/or looks-wise, sometimes both).

Sure, but regardless, second marriages (including those that started as affairs) have a 75% divorce rate. Of course, we all know people in the 25% who stay together too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

He hasn't reached out to you because he's currently love bombing his wife, having intense hysterical bonding s*X, and trying to salvage what he broke. He doesn't care about you. Men will say whatever to get in your pants. He CHOSE to TELL HIS WIFE.

Totally disagree. If things were so great with his wife then why was he talking for hours with another woman and clearly involved in a relationship that was more than just s$x?

Most men who have affairs report being happy at home. It's not about finding a replacement for their wife . . . it's about having their cake and eating it too. In OP's case, he felt guilt, and the guilt caused him to confess, and once he confessed having his cake and eating it too wasn't on the menu anymore. He was forced to give one of them up.

Love bombing and hysterical bonding are common reactions to an affair. Once the bubble bursts and the cheater isn't starring in their own show with episodes such as "I'm Such Hot Stuff" and "Poor Me, Married to Such a Wretch," and they find that their main show, "Loving Husband and Father," is going to get cancelled, suddenly all they want is to keep the primary show running.

Except for those men who end up leaving their marriage for the AP.

That certainly happens. Every rule has an exception. But in terms of the research, this is what happens from most frequent to least frequent:
*married couple stays together** (something like 2/3 or 3/4 of all cases)
*married couple divorces and the newly single cheater decides to have a fresh start instead of committing to the OW
*married couple divorces, APs give it a go, doesn't last
*married couple divorces and APs become a long-lasting, monogamous relationship

**In this case, the affair may or may not resume, or the cheater may have more affairs. We don't know. But most couples do not divorce.

Remember, all second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Absolutely there are APs who, despite being dinged for choosing to have an affair, have enough self-awareness, maturity, commitment etc. to make it work out in the open. But there's a lot of overlap between "people who choose to have affairs" and "people with a host of crap coping skills" and anyone with a lot of baggage and flaws is going to have long odds when it comes to building a relationship in the chaotic aftermath of a divorce.

There are some second marriages and relationships after divorces that were probably secretly APs but they presented it to the world as a "fresh start."

I think the cases where the two end up together are often "upgrade" situations (financially and/or looks-wise, sometimes both).

Winding up with a cheater can never be an upgrade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going insane. This is insane. If you want any shred of a chance to save your own marriage, tell your husband now. When, not if, he finds out he is going to think you are a sociopath for having him COMFORT you during this time. It's absolutely manipulative and disgusting. Talk to your husband. Turn towards your spouse just like your beloved AP is doing- turning towards HIS SPOUSE.

You don't want him so badly. You want the idea of him. You want the fantasy not the reality. You only know the sides of him he has strategically decided to show you walled up in a pretty hotel room. You're addicted to the dopamine hits he gives you in the form of compliments and orgasms. You like the person he things you are. You like seeing yourself reflected in his lime rant eyes. It looks so much prettier than your reflection in your husband's eyes. In a relationship that's out in the open in the real world full of bills and careers and family troubles and kids and home ownership. You want to know whose eyes you will hate yourself in? Your kids. Even if they're too young to know now, the truth always comes out and one day they will look at you with so much anger and pain that you broke their childhood, made them live between two homes and burst their safe little bubble. Source: I found out when I was in college that my dad had cheated on my mom when I was a child and I still think he's a sad excuse for a parent and man.

You are incredibly selfish and conflict avoidant. Your poor kids. You are a SAHM. Presuambly your husband is funding your affair and entrusting you to focus on raising the children and doing things in their best interest which certainly does not include break apart their family. Start calling therapists now, today. Find an appointment then tell your husband the truth.

Get a grip, lady. You are blubbering over some dude who loves his wife and is clearly discarding you.

What are "lime rant eyes"? 🤔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going insane. This is insane. If you want any shred of a chance to save your own marriage, tell your husband now. When, not if, he finds out he is going to think you are a sociopath for having him COMFORT you during this time. It's absolutely manipulative and disgusting. Talk to your husband. Turn towards your spouse just like your beloved AP is doing- turning towards HIS SPOUSE.

You don't want him so badly. You want the idea of him. You want the fantasy not the reality. You only know the sides of him he has strategically decided to show you walled up in a pretty hotel room. You're addicted to the dopamine hits he gives you in the form of compliments and orgasms. You like the person he things you are. You like seeing yourself reflected in his lime rant eyes. It looks so much prettier than your reflection in your husband's eyes. In a relationship that's out in the open in the real world full of bills and careers and family troubles and kids and home ownership. You want to know whose eyes you will hate yourself in? Your kids. Even if they're too young to know now, the truth always comes out and one day they will look at you with so much anger and pain that you broke their childhood, made them live between two homes and burst their safe little bubble. Source: I found out when I was in college that my dad had cheated on my mom when I was a child and I still think he's a sad excuse for a parent and man.

You are incredibly selfish and conflict avoidant. Your poor kids. You are a SAHM. Presuambly your husband is funding your affair and entrusting you to focus on raising the children and doing things in their best interest which certainly does not include break apart their family. Start calling therapists now, today. Find an appointment then tell your husband the truth.

Get a grip, lady. You are blubbering over some dude who loves his wife and is clearly discarding you.

What are "lime rant eyes"? 🤔

lying rat?

[Anonymous]

Limerent eyes

[Anonymous]

Oh, not this f-ing thread again. The OP made my blood boil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

Why? Just to leave pain in your wake? Just to prove OW is more powerful than you? So weird. I've been cheated on and I just proceeded as though the other woman does not exist.