Getting over my affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

You do t seem to give a f**k about what she is going through - zero empathy. He’s not reaching out because he is done with the affair (his actions reflect that he wanted out - I don’t care if he was drinking), and is focusing on repairing his marriage.

I’m literally recoiling at your desperation and narcissism. You are in the throes of addiction withdrawal. Think of him as crack cocaine or meth.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to be harsh, btw but you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The crazy thing is, him & I have seen each other once in the past month for 30 mins. It’s more the texting all day that I am missing.

“He and I,” OP. Not “him and I.” Basic grammar 101.

[Anonymous]

It's good you have a therapist appointment -- July is actually quite soon; it can be nearly impossible to find a therapist with open appointments these days, so that is a positive. With the therapist, discuss whether/when/how to tell your DH. And as another PP noted rightly: If it comes out, your DH and the AP's wife will absolutely assume you and your now FORMER AP planned this move somehow. That has to be something to cover with the therapist as you decide whether or how to tell DH.

Meanwhile: Distract yourself, OP. You vented here, and that's fine and useful and you seem open to the tough things some are saying, things you do need to hear. But you also need to stop ruminating for now or eventually you WILL break down and text him, etc. If you can take your kids somewhere ASAP for maybe the rest of the week, do it. You're an SAHM, can you go away somewhere? Visit someone? Or the whole family including DH goes away impromptu this coming weekend, somewhere very busy and distracting. Whatever it takes. There really can be value in distraction at times like this. It's not a permanent way to work through feelings but you sound so keyed up, you need some release. Exercise twice a day or whatever. And prep for that first therapist visit so you don't just blather out a million details but focus on WHY you had an affair and how to regain self-control.

Important aside:

The AP moving near you -- does that mean he has kids who would be in schools with your own kids? THAT is a huge, screaming, neon red sign, OP. If you have kids who would be in schools together, you will be running into each other very, very frequently. Same if your kids end up in the same scout troops or at the same community pools etc. if your neighborhoods are like that. But the school situation would be the unavoidable one. I would check right now whether his new house is in the same school pyramid as yours; they might not be in the same pyramid at all, but if they are? You need first to spend this summer dealing with your wild emotions, then get strategic about how not to see him or his wife if your kids are schoolmates. Maybe even classmates. That's a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 37 years old. I have been married for 10 years. I am a stay-at-home mom. My affair began a little over a year ago with a married man. My affair partner & I bonded over our similar marital issues. I had never cheated before. He confessed to having several one night stands. The marital issues I was experiencing were lack of intimacy/affection. For several years prior to my affair, intimacy was always initiated by me and almost always met with rejection. My high sex drive & craving for affection got the best of me. My affair partner & I texted constantly and met at least once a week to have sex. Often getting hotel rooms & talking for hours. I will be honest, the sex was amazing. I felt alive and wanted. I felt entertained and excited. Last night, my affair partner began drinking & confessed to his wife. His wife sent me a long, threatening & justified message on Facebook. She told me if I contacted her husband ever again she would call my husband. I panicked. I called my mom. I blocked his wife. I deleted most of my social media. I’ve been crying non-stop since this morning. I’m selfishly trying to get comfort from my husband. My husband has no idea why I’m such a mess. I told him it’s due to our marital issues. I feel horrible. Deep down, I want my affair partner to contact me. I’m literally waiting for a text. To make things worse, my affair partner is moving into my neighborhood in less than a week (small town). His wife has no idea I live here. I want to repair my marriage. I want my husband to want me in the same way my affair partner does/did. I want my affair partner too. I’m a complete mess. I feel so lost. I just deleted his number from my phone. I have been feeling very tempted to text him. I’m feeling lost. I miss him horribly. Logically, I know letting go & moving on is for the best. However, I still want him badly. I don’t want to move on. He tried to get me to leave my husband for him so many times. I wouldn’t. I was too scared. I didn’t know if that would be the right decision. I didn’t want to hurt my husband. I want this pain of missing him to go away. I’m 24 hours into this and it feels debilitating. This all happened so abruptly yesterday morning. I keep wondering why he hasn’t tried to contact me. I’m keeping my Instagram active in case his wife made him delete my number & he wants to contact me. I feel like I’m going insane.

Why do men do that? Doesn't it cause more harm than good to the wife/family life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

You do t seem to give a f**k about what she is going through - zero empathy. He’s not reaching out because he is done with the affair (his actions reflect that he wanted out - I don’t care if he was drinking), and is focusing on repairing his marriage.

I’m literally recoiling at your desperation and narcissism. You are in the throes of addiction withdrawal. Think of him as crack cocaine or meth.

He has done this before. About 6 months ago, without warning, he told his dad about me and that he is in love with me. He becomes extremely honest when drinking, as most do I suppose.

Yes, I know. I do feel like this is an addiction. I feel so desperate for him to reach out. It feels like a huge weight is on my chest.

[Anonymous]

Text a bot ffs!

[Anonymous]

I think you need to block his number. I know it will be hard to do but that way you will not check your phone because he cannot text you. Maybe he did maybe he didn’t but by blocking him you take back the power. Go be with your daughter and rebuild your relationship with your husband.

[Anonymous]

This all happened so abruptly yesterday morning. I keep wondering why he hasn’t tried to contact me. I’m keeping my Instagram active in case his wife made him delete my number & he wants to contact me. I feel like I’m going insane.--OP

OP, he is not contacting you because he is doing exactly what many people in DCUM relationship threads advise the women to do when they want to dump a boyfriend or AP -- the advice is always: "Block and delete immediately." Go no-contact. And it is good advice, OP. You need to do the same, this minute. The fact you admit to keeping Instagram active just in hopes he'll message you is insane. And can you hear yourself here: "...in case his wife made him delete my number." Sure, she might have done that, but he also might have chosen to delete it himself. Face up to that, OP.

You must stop hoping he will contact you. YOU need to block HIM, OP. Block and delete, take down your Instagram, get off all social media. Go away with your kids, with your DH and kids if you can, ASAP. Get out of town, block and delete so you aren't checking you phone all day every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's good you have a therapist appointment -- July is actually quite soon; it can be nearly impossible to find a therapist with open appointments these days, so that is a positive. With the therapist, discuss whether/when/how to tell your DH. And as another PP noted rightly: If it comes out, your DH and the AP's wife will absolutely assume you and your now FORMER AP planned this move somehow. That has to be something to cover with the therapist as you decide whether or how to tell DH.

Meanwhile: Distract yourself, OP. You vented here, and that's fine and useful and you seem open to the tough things some are saying, things you do need to hear. But you also need to stop ruminating for now or eventually you WILL break down and text him, etc. If you can take your kids somewhere ASAP for maybe the rest of the week, do it. You're an SAHM, can you go away somewhere? Visit someone? Or the whole family including DH goes away impromptu this coming weekend, somewhere very busy and distracting. Whatever it takes. There really can be value in distraction at times like this. It's not a permanent way to work through feelings but you sound so keyed up, you need some release. Exercise twice a day or whatever. And prep for that first therapist visit so you don't just blather out a million details but focus on WHY you had an affair and how to regain self-control.

Important aside:

The AP moving near you -- does that mean he has kids who would be in schools with your own kids? THAT is a huge, screaming, neon red sign, OP. If you have kids who would be in schools together, you will be running into each other very, very frequently. Same if your kids end up in the same scout troops or at the same community pools etc. if your neighborhoods are like that. But the school situation would be the unavoidable one. I would check right now whether his new house is in the same school pyramid as yours; they might not be in the same pyramid at all, but if they are? You need first to spend this summer dealing with your wild emotions, then get strategic about how not to see him or his wife if your kids are schoolmates. Maybe even classmates. That's a problem.

I have seen a therapist every 6 months since suffering postpartum depression 5 years ago. That’s why my appointment is as soon as it is. My therapist does not know about this affair though. I avoided telling him. I know that was wrong.

Unfortunately, we can not take off and go anywhere. My husband’s job does not allow that. However, he will be off on Saturday & Sunday. I do think we should get out of the house.

I am very open to the harshness. I feel that it snaps me into reality.

No, our children will not go to the same school, thankfully. My children are in elementary school. His children are in middle & high school.

[Anonymous]

OP, does the wife know what you look like? Will she be able to recognize you if she sees you around town or at the supermarket?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to block his number. I know it will be hard to do but that way you will not check your phone because he cannot text you. Maybe he did maybe he didn’t but by blocking him you take back the power. Go be with your daughter and rebuild your relationship with your husband.

I deleted his number from my missed/received/made calls & I deleted him as a contact. I don’t recall his number by memory to block.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all happened so abruptly yesterday morning. I keep wondering why he hasn’t tried to contact me. I’m keeping my Instagram active in case his wife made him delete my number & he wants to contact me. I feel like I’m going insane.--OP

OP, he is not contacting you because he is doing exactly what many people in DCUM relationship threads advise the women to do when they want to dump a boyfriend or AP -- the advice is always: "Block and delete immediately." Go no-contact. And it is good advice, OP. You need to do the same, this minute. The fact you admit to keeping Instagram active just in hopes he'll message you is insane. And can you hear yourself here: "...in case his wife made him delete my number." Sure, she might have done that, but he also might have chosen to delete it himself. Face up to that, OP.

You must stop hoping he will contact you. YOU need to block HIM, OP. Block and delete, take down your Instagram, get off all social media. Go away with your kids, with your DH and kids if you can, ASAP. Get out of town, block and delete so you aren't checking you phone all day every day.

I deleted my Instagram. As well as my Facebook account. I deleted his number from my made/missed/received calls & totally deleted him as a contact. I don’t know his number by heart to be able to block it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does the wife know what you look like? Will she be able to recognize you if she sees you around town or at the supermarket?

I assume she does know what I look like. Right now, we live within 15 mins of each other. We could very well see each other even if they weren’t moving closer to my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are moving into your neighborhood?

Yes. About a half mile from my home.

If the wife has your full name from Facebook, and has threatened to call your husband, she knows where you live.

She’s probably already done a deep dive into who you are and everything about you. Facebook!? She knows where you work, your kids names and where they go to school, and has probably gone through all of your family pictures. That, and she is probably forcing her husband to tell her all of the details about your relationship, where you normally meet, how you met, etc.

If she is threatened, she will not move into your neighborhood. And if she does, you can guarantee at some point she’s gonna run into your husband either on accident or on purpose.


If this story is true, you are doomed.