Getting over my affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

[Anonymous]

As a BW I'll say that I didn't even google the OW until day 6 after DDay or something. I made my husband send her a NC statement immediately, but I wasn't really concerned about who she was or what she was doing at first (she lives across an ocean, so that helps). When I did google her and discover that she was sending really obvious smoke signals to my husband on her SM about having the courage to put yourself first etc etc, I was like SAY WHAT.

It is very very early days. You can't extrapolate how the BW will act in the future based on how she reacted in the early days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are moving into your neighborhood?

Yes. About a half mile from my home.

If the wife has your full name from Facebook, and has threatened to call your husband, she knows where you live.

She’s probably already done a deep dive into who you are and everything about you. Facebook!? She knows where you work, your kids names and where they go to school, and has probably gone through all of your family pictures. That, and she is probably forcing her husband to tell her all of the details about your relationship, where you normally meet, how you met, etc.

If she is threatened, she will not move into your neighborhood. And if she does, you can guarantee at some point she’s gonna run into your husband either on accident or on purpose.


If this story is true, you are doomed.

She knows my husband. They actually graduated from high school together. She told me, “walk away & fix your marriage to avoid putting (husband’s name) through the hell I’m going through.”

I’m only on page 4 of this thread so this may get talked about later. But your AP’s wife is amazing. This was an incredibly thoughtful and generous sentiment. She really did throw you a life jacket. You should thank your lucky stars, take her advice to focus on fixing your marriage and get your own i to mask in order so that you can get out of your head and think about how to move forward. You have idealized your AP from texts and brief amounts of time together (think about the early days with your DH - it might not have been *that* different). The likelihood that what you had with your AP could last is minuscule and you would upend your kids’ life as a result. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are moving into your neighborhood?

Yes. About a half mile from my home.

If the wife has your full name from Facebook, and has threatened to call your husband, she knows where you live.

She’s probably already done a deep dive into who you are and everything about you. Facebook!? She knows where you work, your kids names and where they go to school, and has probably gone through all of your family pictures. That, and she is probably forcing her husband to tell her all of the details about your relationship, where you normally meet, how you met, etc.

If she is threatened, she will not move into your neighborhood. And if she does, you can guarantee at some point she’s gonna run into your husband either on accident or on purpose.


If this story is true, you are doomed.

She knows my husband. They actually graduated from high school together. She told me, “walk away & fix your marriage to avoid putting (husband’s name) through the hell I’m going through.”

I’m only on page 4 of this thread so this may get talked about later. But your AP’s wife is amazing. This was an incredibly thoughtful and generous sentiment. She really did throw you a life jacket. You should thank your lucky stars, take her advice to focus on fixing your marriage and get your own i to mask in order so that you can get out of your head and think about how to move forward. You have idealized your AP from texts and brief amounts of time together (think about the early days with your DH - it might not have been *that* different). The likelihood that what you had with your AP could last is minuscule and you would upend your kids’ life as a result. Good luck.

OP later revealed AP’s wife had an affair herself and possibly someone else’s child. That soap opera level detail was a red flag to some posters but that was like 10 pages ago LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Not a cheater. I still feel this is not a good idea to reveal. Nothing good will come of it. Strong possibility no one will find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waited three years to contact the OW. You can't know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waiting until the dust settled ans I could collect my thoughts and compile evidence in an orderly fashion. Then I told the other spouse. I'm sure AP thought she was in the clear by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

I waiting until the dust settled ans I could collect my thoughts and compile evidence in an orderly fashion. Then I told the other spouse. I'm sure AP thought she was in the clear by then.

Would you still have told if they were divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

It sounds like the two families’ lives will continue to intersect. It’s never going to be “over”, just “dormant”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymouse wrote:Tell him. He deserves agency in the marriage.

That is ridiculous. She would be blowing up her life: if the affair is never discovered, everyone is better off. Honestly, telling only hurts people. If it is over, never do it again and don’t tell if you want to stay married.

I would not want to know.

I think the more important question isn't whether or not you'd want to know, but rather when would you want to find out and from whom?

Most affairs are not discovered. Would rather not know. If I had to find out, I would not care who told me. If I had to choose when…when my children are in college. Knowing does not do anyone any good if marriage is good otherwise.

Right, and the BW will be getting the advice that the best way to have closure and peace and move forward is to inform the "other betrayed spouse," because then you have two sets of eyes on the issue. And if she's living half a mile away from OP, she's going to be constantly triggered.

Anyone who's saying there's zero chance the BW will inform OP's husband is not adhering to anything resembling logic.

Living a lie is not good for anyone and there's a health risk too. Don't be a coward. OP needs to own it and take the consequences. Her DH is at high risk of finding out based on what is going on.

Exactly. Affairs that go undiscovered don't usually have a BW on the other side who knows and has already threatened to tell the husband. If the BW didn't know, it would be an entirely different calculation. But in this case, the odds are pretty high her husband will find out either way. If she chooses to tell him, she stands a greater chance of salvaging the marriage.

Disagree. If the wife was going to reveal it, she would have. She wants both marriages to stay intact. She is not going to say a word.

Do not blow up your life for something that is over.

It sounds like the two families’ lives will continue to intersect. It’s never going to be “over”, just “dormant”.

[Anonymous]

Right, and the BW will be getting the advice that the best way to have closure and peace and move forward is to inform the "other betrayed spouse," because then you have two sets of eyes on the issue. And if she's living half a mile away from OP, she's going to be constantly triggered.

Anyone who's saying there's zero chance the BW will inform OP's husband is not adhering to anything resembling logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are moving into your neighborhood?

Yes. About a half mile from my home.

If the wife has your full name from Facebook, and has threatened to call your husband, she knows where you live.

She’s probably already done a deep dive into who you are and everything about you. Facebook!? She knows where you work, your kids names and where they go to school, and has probably gone through all of your family pictures. That, and she is probably forcing her husband to tell her all of the details about your relationship, where you normally meet, how you met, etc.

If she is threatened, she will not move into your neighborhood. And if she does, you can guarantee at some point she’s gonna run into your husband either on accident or on purpose.

She knows my husband. They actually graduated from high school together. She told me, “walk away & fix your marriage to avoid putting (husband’s name) through the hell I’m going through.”

Take this advice. If you can't, then at least ask for a divorce. What's stopping you from getting a divorce? You obviously do not love your husband.

OP hit some sort of jackpot that this guy's wife is so self-possessed. Meanwhile, he's been crying like a baby about his affair every time he drinks. How do women get stuck with these losers?

Eh. The DW knows that the threat of calling the husband is more powerful than actually doing it. Once she calls, her leverage disappears.

[Anonymous]

She is a SAHM. She would be an idiot to say something. In VA, she may not get alimony for this. Don’t be stupid. Never do it again. Put it behind you. Avoid all contact with the family.