Getting over my affair partner.

[Anonymous]

I am 37 years old. I have been married for 10 years. I am a stay-at-home mom. My affair began a little over a year ago with a married man. My affair partner & I bonded over our similar marital issues. I had never cheated before. He confessed to having several one night stands. The marital issues I was experiencing were lack of intimacy/affection. For several years prior to my affair, intimacy was always initiated by me and almost always met with rejection. My high sex drive & craving for affection got the best of me. My affair partner & I texted constantly and met at least once a week to have sex. Often getting hotel rooms & talking for hours. I will be honest, the sex was amazing. I felt alive and wanted. I felt entertained and excited. Last night, my affair partner began drinking & confessed to his wife. His wife sent me a long, threatening & justified message on Facebook. She told me if I contacted her husband ever again she would call my husband. I panicked. I called my mom. I blocked his wife. I deleted most of my social media. I’ve been crying non-stop since this morning. I’m selfishly trying to get comfort from my husband. My husband has no idea why I’m such a mess. I told him it’s due to our marital issues. I feel horrible. Deep down, I want my affair partner to contact me. I’m literally waiting for a text. To make things worse, my affair partner is moving into my neighborhood in less than a week (small town). His wife has no idea I live here. I want to repair my marriage. I want my husband to want me in the same way my affair partner does/did. I want my affair partner too. I’m a complete mess. I feel so lost. I just deleted his number from my phone. I have been feeling very tempted to text him. I’m feeling lost. I miss him horribly. Logically, I know letting go & moving on is for the best. However, I still want him badly. I don’t want to move on. He tried to get me to leave my husband for him so many times. I wouldn’t. I was too scared. I didn’t know if that would be the right decision. I didn’t want to hurt my husband. I want this pain of missing him to go away. I’m 24 hours into this and it feels debilitating. This all happened so abruptly yesterday morning. I keep wondering why he hasn’t tried to contact me. I’m keeping my Instagram active in case his wife made him delete my number & he wants to contact me. I feel like I’m going insane.

[Anonymous]

It's hard now, but time will help. Just get through each day. Distract yourself the best you can. You'll destroy your life if you continue. The wife was very generous to give you an out. Take it. If you don't, you'll regret it. You'll have some perspective with time. You can't be with this guy. You are one of many APs for him, I'm sorry, but it wasn't special for him. He'll replace you. Good luck, work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

I am not trolling. Am I being ridiculous? Do I need to move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard now, but time will help. Just get through each day. Distract yourself the best you can. You'll destroy your life if you continue. The wife was very generous to give you an out. Take it. If you don't, you'll regret it. You'll have some perspective with time. You can't be with this guy. You are one of many APs for him, I'm sorry, but it wasn't special for him. He'll replace you. Good luck, work on yourself.

That was my insecurity with him. He’s done this before. I feel so debilitated right now.

[Anonymous]

You are going insane. This is insane. If you want any shred of a chance to save your own marriage, tell your husband now. When, not if, he finds out he is going to think you are a sociopath for having him COMFORT you during this time. It's absolutely manipulative and disgusting. Talk to your husband. Turn towards your spouse just like your beloved AP is doing- turning towards HIS SPOUSE.

You don't want him so badly. You want the idea of him. You want the fantasy not the reality. You only know the sides of him he has strategically decided to show you walled up in a pretty hotel room. You're addicted to the dopamine hits he gives you in the form of compliments and orgasms. You like the person he things you are. You like seeing yourself reflected in his lime rant eyes. It looks so much prettier than your reflection in your husband's eyes. In a relationship that's out in the open in the real world full of bills and careers and family troubles and kids and home ownership. You want to know whose eyes you will hate yourself in? Your kids. Even if they're too young to know now, the truth always comes out and one day they will look at you with so much anger and pain that you broke their childhood, made them live between two homes and burst their safe little bubble. Source: I found out when I was in college that my dad had cheated on my mom when I was a child and I still think he's a sad excuse for a parent and man.

You are incredibly selfish and conflict avoidant. Your poor kids. You are a SAHM. Presuambly your husband is funding your affair and entrusting you to focus on raising the children and doing things in their best interest which certainly does not include break apart their family. Start calling therapists now, today. Find an appointment then tell your husband the truth.

Get a grip, lady. You are blubbering over some dude who loves his wife and is clearly discarding you.

[Anonymous]

Obviously the wife should have contacted your husband to get you out of lala land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going insane. This is insane. If you want any shred of a chance to save your own marriage, tell your husband now. When, not if, he finds out he is going to think you are a sociopath for having him COMFORT you during this time. It's absolutely manipulative and disgusting. Talk to your husband. Turn towards your spouse just like your beloved AP is doing- turning towards HIS SPOUSE.

You don't want him so badly. You want the idea of him. You want the fantasy not the reality. You only know the sides of him he has strategically decided to show you walled up in a pretty hotel room. You're addicted to the dopamine hits he gives you in the form of compliments and orgasms. You like the person he things you are. You like seeing yourself reflected in his lime rant eyes. It looks so much prettier than your reflection in your husband's eyes. In a relationship that's out in the open in the real world full of bills and careers and family troubles and kids and home ownership. You want to know whose eyes you will hate yourself in? Your kids. Even if they're too young to know now, the truth always comes out and one day they will look at you with so much anger and pain that you broke their childhood, made them live between two homes and burst their safe little bubble. Source: I found out when I was in college that my dad had cheated on my mom when I was a child and I still think he's a sad excuse for a parent and man.

You are incredibly selfish and conflict avoidant. Your poor kids. You are a SAHM. Presuambly your husband is funding your affair and entrusting you to focus on raising the children and doing things in their best interest which certainly does not include break apart their family. Start calling therapists now, today. Find an appointment then tell your husband the truth.

Get a grip, lady. You are blubbering over some dude who loves his wife and is clearly discarding you.

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I do have a therapist appointment, but not until mid-July. I need this type of advice to pull me out of this. I feel like I’m living in a fantasy world.

[Anonymous]

They are moving into your neighborhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are moving into your neighborhood?

Yes. About a half mile from my home.

[Anonymous]

First, understand that you are addicted to your AP. You have been getting dopamine hits for a year through texts, meetings, sex. Suddenly those hits are gone and you are desperate for a fix.

Second, your AP's family is moving to your neighborhood?!? And the wife threatened you? I'm sorry but I don't think this will go well, unless you get ahead of it by telling your H what choices you made. There is a real phenomenon that Betrayed Wives will lash out at the OW, despite the fact it's the Husband that hurt them. But it is too hard to face that the person you trusted most hurt you in such a manner, so the anger goes elsewhere. So prepare yourself for the truth to come out at some level.

And third: I know you're feeling overwhelmed and lost and confused. But lady, get a hold of yourself. You made choices and now you will have to deal with the consequences of those choices. I know that may sound harsh, but I am saying that as a wife who had an affair and then a d-day and all of the aftermath of those. The issue is not your marriage, or your husband ("I want my H to want me in the same way as my AP"...I'm sorry but that will never happen, as your H is "real life" and your AP is "fantasy and secrets" and obviously the fantasy is better than the reality). The issue is within you. You need to talk to someone who is not your H (can you imagine how he will feel when he realizes he was comforting you because you got dumped by your AP?). Maybe a close friend, better even a counselor/therapist. You have a lot to sort out on why you thought what you did was okay, and why you made choices that eroded your own integrity and disrespected your husband, your marriage and yourself. Nope, sorry, it's not just because "he didn't want to have sex with me." There are other ways to solve that issue that are healthier than an affair.

Again, I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this is a case of the hens coming home to roost. You now have another choice...think about the kind of person you want to be moving forward. You can choose lying and cheating or you can choose honesty and authenticity. What kind of person do you want to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, understand that you are addicted to your AP. You have been getting dopamine hits for a year through texts, meetings, sex. Suddenly those hits are gone and you are desperate for a fix.

Second, your AP's family is moving to your neighborhood?!? And the wife threatened you? I'm sorry but I don't think this will go well, unless you get ahead of it by telling your H what choices you made. There is a real phenomenon that Betrayed Wives will lash out at the OW, despite the fact it's the Husband that hurt them. But it is too hard to face that the person you trusted most hurt you in such a manner, so the anger goes elsewhere. So prepare yourself for the truth to come out at some level.

And third: I know you're feeling overwhelmed and lost and confused. But lady, get a hold of yourself. You made choices and now you will have to deal with the consequences of those choices. I know that may sound harsh, but I am saying that as a wife who had an affair and then a d-day and all of the aftermath of those. The issue is not your marriage, or your husband ("I want my H to want me in the same way as my AP"...I'm sorry but that will never happen, as your H is "real life" and your AP is "fantasy and secrets" and obviously the fantasy is better than the reality). The issue is within you. You need to talk to someone who is not your H (can you imagine how he will feel when he realizes he was comforting you because you got dumped by your AP?). Maybe a close friend, better even a counselor/therapist. You have a lot to sort out on why you thought what you did was okay, and why you made choices that eroded your own integrity and disrespected your husband, your marriage and yourself. Nope, sorry, it's not just because "he didn't want to have sex with me." There are other ways to solve that issue that are healthier than an affair.

Again, I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this is a case of the hens coming home to roost. You now have another choice...think about the kind of person you want to be moving forward. You can choose lying and cheating or you can choose honesty and authenticity. What kind of person do you want to be?

Yes, they are moving into my neighborhood. Not next door, but a half mile or so away. She has no idea I live here.

I do not want to be this kind of person. I don’t want to feel this way. The logical part of me knows that I’m being utterly ridiculous. I’m having trouble getting out of bed today.

[Anonymous]

OP, almost no reasonable therapist would tell you to tell your DH unless you 100% will be outed. Don’t blow it up. You have a chance to recover. If you want to stay married, do whatever you can to keep it secret and so intense work with a therapist. That’s most likely the best outcome for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, almost no reasonable therapist would tell you to tell your DH unless you 100% will be outed. Don’t blow it up. You have a chance to recover. If you want to stay married, do whatever you can to keep it secret and so intense work with a therapist. That’s most likely the best outcome for everyone.

I highly doubt I will be outed, but I feel the immense weight of what I’ve done. I can’t eat or get out of bed. I haven’t eaten since Saturday night. I feel sad without my affair partner, as crazy as that sounds. I keep checking my phone to see if he’s texted me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, she didn’t threaten physical harm. She threatened to contact my husband if I reached out to her husband again. I’m tempted to reach out to him. That’s my worst issue. That and wondering why he hasn’t reached out to me.

He hasn't reached out to you because he's currently love bombing his wife, having intense hysterical bonding s*X, and trying to salvage what he broke. He doesn't care about you. Men will say whatever to get in your pants. He CHOSE to TELL HIS WIFE.