Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex

[Anonymous]

We’ve been together 7 months, both in our 40s with small kids. We both want to wait to introduce each other to kids until it’s been at least a year together. Bf has been divorced a year, and is amicable with ex, as I am with mine.

His parents take him, his kids, siblings, aunts to a vacation destination every summer and they all stay in a huge house together. I mentioned that this will ge his first year going as a “solo parent” with his two kids and asked how he felt about it. He said that he actually may invite his ex-wife to come along, because she just went through a major health issue (cancer) and he is trying to be compassionate.

I totally want him to do what’s best for the family. I just feel weird about my role in all of this- with him potentially staying in the same house with his whole family and his ex for a week. I totally trust him, has nothing to do with that. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

OP, your BF sounds like kind, compassionate and is able to think of the kids bs the crazy ex drama we see from so many. In the situation you describe, I would be 100% fine with it. The only way I would ever date someone who is divorced with minor children is if they had a mature, amiable relationship with their ex and are able to co-parent their kids in a healthy manner. Sounds like that’s the kind your BF has.

[Anonymous]

I would be supportive of him. Do what you would do normally during the trip if she was not going, i.e., text/call at night/morning whatever you couples do.

[Anonymous]

This wouldn’t work for me unless bf invited me to join. Keeping such traditions alive so close to their divorce is a bit of a red flag (and he can show her support and compassion on other ways.)

[Anonymous]

That would make me uncomfortable, because in such a situation, everyone present will seek to reconcile them.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have a role in all this.

[Anonymous]

If you trust him, then what’s the problem? It’s nice for their kids to have both parents there on the vacation.

[Anonymous]

What role did you decide to play after you first posted about your BFs dynamic with his sick ex? Follow that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t work for me unless bf invited me to join. Keeping such traditions alive so close to their divorce is a bit of a red flag (and he can show her support and compassion on other ways.)

Yep red flag. Divorce means that he is no longer obligated to do stuff with his ex. If he does not invite you, I would dump him.

[Anonymous]

Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would make me uncomfortable, because in such a situation, everyone present will seek to reconcile them.

Yup, sorry OP, they're getting back together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This wouldn’t work for me unless bf invited me to join. Keeping such traditions alive so close to their divorce is a bit of a red flag (and he can show her support and compassion on other ways.)

I agree. While it's great that he can have a good relationship with the mother of his kids, this kind of activity isn't one you do with an ex that doesn't include the current romantic partner. It's too close to their divorce and, as a PP noted, everyone will be looking at it as the first step of a reconciliation. There are other ways for him to show support/compassion that doesn't send the same message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

NP. I hope this is meant as a joke. It's...a joke, right? Right?

If not, it's a horrible idea. Pure immature game-playing.

And in the event the OP and this boyfriend stay together, well, at some point OP is likely to meet his ex at a kid pickup or whatever, just crossing paths...and if the ex recognizes OP as "Cathy"? That's going to sour a decent relationship between the two exes, who do still have to co-parent. And if OP ever meets the BF's parents later and they also recognize "Cathy"? Hey, son, that was deceptive of you, and your GF seems possessive if she'd pretend like that....

Just, no.

[Anonymous]

There's other ways he can support his ex other than vacationing with her. This is very strange, no proper boundaries. If he wants to provide his ex with a nice vacation, fine, he can pay for it, send the kids with their grandparents and mother, but stay home with you.

[Anonymous]

You need to dump him, because you are clearly less compassionate, mature, understanding and trusting than he is. He deserves better.