Does anyone else find ‘cherish these moments’ parenting advice a little traumatizing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not those specific words, but I find anything celebrating motherhood—like happy Mother’s Day, you have the most important job, you’re a good mom, etc. to be traumatizing. The people saying those things have no idea how dark some days and months were.

You don’t know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you all just need to sleep train your babies! Once my babies were 5-6 months old, the sleep deprivation was over.

And yes, I'd give anything to go back and visit and cuddle my babies, toddlers, and preschoolers again. They are pretty good as far as teens go, but there is just no comparison.

What great advice for someone with a two-month-old, when sleep training is not an option. No one wants your advice. If they did, they would ask for it. Why do you have to “cherish” your memories by speaking them out loud to new parents who are total strangers? You are free to cherish your own memories in your own head.

Time to buckle up buttercup because, like it or not, you can't actually control what strangers think or say. When your baby is 14, you will understand what we mean, and that we are not attacking you. In the meantime, maybe check your anger a bit, its probably not good for you or your baby.

Right? The outrage is so one-sided. I feel like saying, let's revisit this topic in a few years when you are in a better place.

Or how about you just don’t revisit it?? It seems like moms of older kids really, really want to announce things at moms of younger kids (“time flies!” “Just wait till he is walking/ in school/ driving/ dating then you’ll REALLY have your hands full!” “Don’t blink, these days will be gone and you’ll miss them!” “Little kids little problems… you just wait!”) and moms of younger kids really, really dislike hearing these things.

So why not just stop doing it?

Because people are different and they cannot read your mind. You know you sound like a 6 year old. Why won’t people do what I want them to do!! you are doing the digital equivalent of laying on the floor and kicking your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you all just need to sleep train your babies! Once my babies were 5-6 months old, the sleep deprivation was over.

And yes, I'd give anything to go back and visit and cuddle my babies, toddlers, and preschoolers again. They are pretty good as far as teens go, but there is just no comparison.

What great advice for someone with a two-month-old, when sleep training is not an option. No one wants your advice. If they did, they would ask for it. Why do you have to “cherish” your memories by speaking them out loud to new parents who are total strangers? You are free to cherish your own memories in your own head.

Time to buckle up buttercup because, like it or not, you can't actually control what strangers think or say. When your baby is 14, you will understand what we mean, and that we are not attacking you. In the meantime, maybe check your anger a bit, its probably not good for you or your baby.

My kids are 11 and 9, I just remember the newborn days when "helpful" people were annoying as hell. Back off. You're a stranger, dude. If a friend or family member wants advice, they'll ask for it. Until someone asks you, leave people alone, especially strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not those specific words, but I find anything celebrating motherhood—like happy Mother’s Day, you have the most important job, you’re a good mom, etc. to be traumatizing. The people saying those things have no idea how dark some days and months were.

You don’t know this.

You don’t know that a stranger doesn’t know about my PPD? Ok….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you all just need to sleep train your babies! Once my babies were 5-6 months old, the sleep deprivation was over.

And yes, I'd give anything to go back and visit and cuddle my babies, toddlers, and preschoolers again. They are pretty good as far as teens go, but there is just no comparison.

What great advice for someone with a two-month-old, when sleep training is not an option. No one wants your advice. If they did, they would ask for it. Why do you have to “cherish” your memories by speaking them out loud to new parents who are total strangers? You are free to cherish your own memories in your own head.

Time to buckle up buttercup because, like it or not, you can't actually control what strangers think or say. When your baby is 14, you will understand what we mean, and that we are not attacking you. In the meantime, maybe check your anger a bit, its probably not good for you or your baby.

Right? The outrage is so one-sided. I feel like saying, let's revisit this topic in a few years when you are in a better place.

Or how about you just don’t revisit it?? It seems like moms of older kids really, really want to announce things at moms of younger kids (“time flies!” “Just wait till he is walking/ in school/ driving/ dating then you’ll REALLY have your hands full!” “Don’t blink, these days will be gone and you’ll miss them!” “Little kids little problems… you just wait!”) and moms of younger kids really, really dislike hearing these things.

So why not just stop doing it?

Because people are different and they cannot read your mind. You know you sound like a 6 year old. Why won’t people do what I want them to do!! you are doing the digital equivalent of laying on the floor and kicking your feet.

It’s weird that you insist on saying something to people that they are admitting bothers them. Like why not just not say it? It’s weird. What do you get out of bothering others on purpose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

If you saw a hiker half dead from exhaustion, with a sprained ankle, limping down the trail would you truly say “wasn’t that view you passed just spectacular!?!?” Because that’s the analogy here.

Or telling that same hiker “you think it’s hard now but wait till you get around the bend!” and then smile and walk off. As opposed to, like, helping them around the bend.

This is just over the top.

Right

Someone really needs to talk her off the ledge.

I know! Tell her she will miss these Days!

How about just leave her alone when you see her in the store. You don’t need to comment at everyone .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

Totally agree. There is their weird generation that never wants to interact with anyone, won’t answer their front door, and only sees the world through their own eyes. It is a strange and sad lot.

Also agree. That's precisely the sentiment - your child is beautiful, and seeing you out reminds an older woman of happy times when her kids were young. That's all it is.

When I see a young mom with a baby and they look beautiful, I just smile at them. Or we might start chatting, but only if she initiates, because she might want to, you know, enjoy peaceful time with her baby. It's fine to smile and interact with people if they seem open to it. But I can't think of a single time as a new mom that I *wanted* to hear any of the "just you waits..." like, who wants to hear that? If the sentiment is "your child is beautiful," say THAT, don't then follow it up with, "But soon they'll be calling you a b1tch, LOL."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

Totally agree. There is their weird generation that never wants to interact with anyone, won’t answer their front door, and only sees the world through their own eyes. It is a strange and sad lot.

Also agree. That's precisely the sentiment - your child is beautiful, and seeing you out reminds an older woman of happy times when her kids were young. That's all it is.

So why not say “your child is beautiful. It makes me think back to when my kids were young.” To a woman who is not actively dealing with a tantrum or something. That’s a nice comment! “Cherish these moments because they don’t last!” is passive aggressive and annoying.

+100 This right here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Empathy Reminder: did it ever strike you that those older women are experiencing their own trauma? Triggered by seeing your angelic child. It is called Empty Nest.

Again, don't see other moms (even those in different phases of the process) as judges or competitors. They are on the same journey as you, just in a different leg.

I agree, but as a PP aptly put it above I still find it “grating.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

But these women aren’t saying “you’re almost there!” They’re saying “buckle up buttercup, you thought it was hard but you haven’t seen what’s around the corner!” You would really say that to another hiker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you all just need to sleep train your babies! Once my babies were 5-6 months old, the sleep deprivation was over.

And yes, I'd give anything to go back and visit and cuddle my babies, toddlers, and preschoolers again. They are pretty good as far as teens go, but there is just no comparison.

What great advice for someone with a two-month-old, when sleep training is not an option. No one wants your advice. If they did, they would ask for it. Why do you have to “cherish” your memories by speaking them out loud to new parents who are total strangers? You are free to cherish your own memories in your own head.

Time to buckle up buttercup because, like it or not, you can't actually control what strangers think or say. When your baby is 14, you will understand what we mean, and that we are not attacking you. In the meantime, maybe check your anger a bit, its probably not good for you or your baby.

Right? The outrage is so one-sided. I feel like saying, let's revisit this topic in a few years when you are in a better place.

Or how about you just don’t revisit it?? It seems like moms of older kids really, really want to announce things at moms of younger kids (“time flies!” “Just wait till he is walking/ in school/ driving/ dating then you’ll REALLY have your hands full!” “Don’t blink, these days will be gone and you’ll miss them!” “Little kids little problems… you just wait!”) and moms of younger kids really, really dislike hearing these things.

So why not just stop doing it?

Because people are different and they cannot read your mind. You know you sound like a 6 year old. Why won’t people do what I want them to do!! you are doing the digital equivalent of laying on the floor and kicking your feet.

NP. You're the one who can't quite seem to grasp that other people have a view that is different from yours. I get that you are slowly starting to feel defensive that you are likely annoying perfect strangers with your comment, but...take the hint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

If you saw a hiker half dead from exhaustion, with a sprained ankle, limping down the trail would you truly say “wasn’t that view you passed just spectacular!?!?” Because that’s the analogy here.

Or telling that same hiker “you think it’s hard now but wait till you get around the bend!” and then smile and walk off. As opposed to, like, helping them around the bend.

This is just over the top.

Right

Someone really needs to talk her off the ledge.

I know! Tell her she will miss these Days!

How about just leave her alone when you see her in the store. You don’t need to comment at everyone .

But how else will these aging women who no longer are the center of their children's universe, and who are increasingly irrelevant in many ways, get attention and validation?! They seek the kindness of strangers, and even enjoy negative attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

If you saw a hiker half dead from exhaustion, with a sprained ankle, limping down the trail would you truly say “wasn’t that view you passed just spectacular!?!?” Because that’s the analogy here.

Or telling that same hiker “you think it’s hard now but wait till you get around the bend!” and then smile and walk off. As opposed to, like, helping them around the bend.

This is just over the top.

DP and no, it's not. What some of us are describing is an utter failure of empathy or even theory of mind to know that someone is in a different place than you and just because you are further down the road of parenting, they may not want your unsolicited advice.

My kids are tweens and I make a point of not making comments like this to people. I'll coo over their baby or offer to hold them or, if their parents say how exhausted they are, I'll nod and say, yeah, these days are super exhausting, for sure. Things like that. It's actually possible to support people where they are and not insert yourself into their space, believe it or not.