MIL doesn’t understand the cost of life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL raised kids during an era when the cost of housing was low, you could raise a family on one income and kids stayed at the pool from morning to night with little to no supervision. Beach vacations cost a few hundred dollars per week.

She was a SAHM who had little jobs here and there but nothing of consequence.

I feel like we are on completely different wavelengths when I talk about the high cost of living and how we are always fighting for promotions and raises to afford a nice lifestyle for our family. We both work full time to afford our house and we are on two very long waitlists for a pool in our county. We are spending $5k on our beach vacation for a week.

How can I get her to understand how much things cost without her looking at me like I have two heads? For example, when I tell her I am going back to work after my mat leave ends, she almost looks puzzled and disappointed.

It makes me not want to be around her. Thoughts?

Why are you discussing this with her?

[Anonymous]

How can I get her to understand

Unimportant for her to understand. What you have to understand Op is family doesn't get to be rude. They don't get a pass just because they are family. If they are commenting on things that is not their business, that's rude. Your DH, especially but you too, should call them out on rudeness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People want more things now. Bigger houses, eating out, house cleaners, more than one car, vacations, college for their kids, etc. I don’t know if things were actually cheaper but you are not comparing apples to apples.

People want more now, but wages have not kept pace with the COL. Forty or fifty years ago, a man without a college degree could give his family the 1970’s or 80’s version of OP’s lifestyle on just his own salary. Now a college-educated, dual income family owes on their own college loan debt, is more likely to need childcare, (which is costly, even if it allows you to bring in more income), higher housing costs, higher healthcare costs, and astronomically higher costs to send their own kids to college one day.

This was on page 2 so I'm not sure if it's been addressed; however, that guy in the 70s was not looking for a second car, beach week, or a big house. He might've lived in a 2 or 3 bedroom, 1 bath in a working class suburb. Their vacations were likely to grandma's house a state over. They were not the people buying phase 1 vcr's or walkman's or fancy stereo's. He might've had a hifi 8 track player and his sahm wife made breakfast, lunch, and dinner EVERY.NIGHT. Their fun was hanging with the neighbors in someone's driveway while the kids ran around catching lightning bugs or playing manhunt throughout the neighborhood. Their kids only played (free) school sports or maybe parks-rec/little league sports. Couches and Christmas gifts were put on layaway and you started paying for them 6 months in advance, having to stop by the store on the way home from work to make a payment.

Don't fool yourself. Your blue collar guy with a SAHM wife in the 70s and 80s was truly middle class. They were not strivers, they were survivors. And they still felt they were giving their kids a great life because they were able to give their kid $5k for college when the time came.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How can I get her to understand

Unimportant for her to understand. What you have to understand Op is family doesn't get to be rude. They don't get a pass just because they are family. If they are commenting on things that is not their business, that's rude. Your DH, especially but you too, should call them out on rudeness

Can MIL call out her rude DIL for denigrating her choices and calling her decision to stay at home a life of no consequences and presuming she had it so easy because she never "worked" at a jobby job like OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no reason in the world to tell your MIL the pricetag for your beach vacation. "We're taking the kids to the beach for a week" should suffice.

You're goading her into the reaction you know she will have when you tell her it's five grand. You WANT her to be shocked, and when she is, you act triggered. Why do you do things like this, OP? Start there.

No we didn’t tell her the cost of the beach house.
I was explaining to the forum the difference in cost today versus 30 years ago

Yeah I think we all know houses, college and vacations cost more now than they did 30 years ago. Do better, OP.

But she doesn’t seem to and that’s the point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no reason in the world to tell your MIL the pricetag for your beach vacation. "We're taking the kids to the beach for a week" should suffice.

You're goading her into the reaction you know she will have when you tell her it's five grand. You WANT her to be shocked, and when she is, you act triggered. Why do you do things like this, OP? Start there.

No we didn’t tell her the cost of the beach house.
I was explaining to the forum the difference in cost today versus 30 years ago

Yeah I think we all know houses, college and vacations cost more now than they did 30 years ago. Do better, OP.

But she doesn’t seem to and that’s the point

I think MIL gets that everything costs more now. What she probably doesn’t get is why OP and her DH keep choosing the options that bring them the most stress.
http://renewablewealth.com/the-parable-of-the-mexican-fisherman/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How can I get her to understand

Unimportant for her to understand. What you have to understand Op is family doesn't get to be rude. They don't get a pass just because they are family. If they are commenting on things that is not their business, that's rude. Your DH, especially but you too, should call them out on rudeness

MIL never actually said anything to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you discuss money with her?

We often talk about work bc it takes up a big part of our life. It’s just hard to relate to someone who never had to work hard.

Why do you say that? I thought she had to raise the kids? Did she have a nanny doing a lot of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a teacher and my MIL didn’t work. They are baffled and amazed that I book all of our camps, vacation days, and weekends away from May - October by the end of February.
If they want to do a vacation with us or have the kids for a week in the summer, they need to submit their preferred dates by Jan 1 or they have to work with our schedule. Neither of them ever booked camps - especially ones that are full within an hour of registration opening .

So, to this person and to the OP, please just keep in mind that yes the costs of housing and child care have increased disproportionately, but it’s also true that you have made particular choices. There are SAHMs today who live in this area on incomes lower than yours, I guarantee it. And there were working moms in the ‘80s too. It’s not as simple as saying “times have changed.” You do in fact have a different set of priorities than your MIL, and that’s okay, but don’t blame the modern world.

Neither OP or I are blaming the modern world. We’re asking our MILs and our own mothers (who raised us to be independent, educated, employed women) to stop gasping, clutching pearls, and expressing faux concern when we have the audacity to work outside the home, spend money because we have more money than time, and generally do all the things it takes to run a household in the modern world.

I know exactly what OP is talking about. I understand that MIL is unfamiliar with the cost of daycare / college savings or the need to schedule camps on school breaks and I don’t mind explaining it once. However every single summer or school break is met with a big sigh and annoyance that we don’t have the freedom or the financial ability to “spend the summer at the shore” like she did every summer when her kids were little. There is no reason this summer is different than the past 8 year but every year it’s a shock to her.

[Anonymous]

Why, OP, do you think that your MIL is unfamiliar with the cost of living? Surely she buys things, pays for utiliies, pays for insurance, pays to drive a car or ride transit, books travel, eats in restaurants etc. She knows what stuff costs. She might be giving you that look because when you complain about money it sounds stupid given your stated income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why, OP, do you think that your MIL is unfamiliar with the cost of living? Surely she buys things, pays for utiliies, pays for insurance, pays to drive a car or ride transit, books travel, eats in restaurants etc. She knows what stuff costs. She might be giving you that look because when you complain about money it sounds stupid given your stated income.

Incomes are higher bc the cost of living is higher. $250k to $300k is not that much around here to support a family. I’m sure it is in a rural or suburban area of the country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why, OP, do you think that your MIL is unfamiliar with the cost of living? Surely she buys things, pays for utiliies, pays for insurance, pays to drive a car or ride transit, books travel, eats in restaurants etc. She knows what stuff costs. She might be giving you that look because when you complain about money it sounds stupid given your stated income.

Incomes are higher bc the cost of living is higher. $250k to $300k is not that much around here to support a family. I’m sure it is in a rural or suburban area of the country

No, $250-300k is a lot anywhere, many people live well on less, even in DC. Your poor-mouthing is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL raised kids during an era when the cost of housing was low, you could raise a family on one income and kids stayed at the pool from morning to night with little to no supervision. Beach vacations cost a few hundred dollars per week.

She was a SAHM who had little jobs here and there but nothing of consequence.

I feel like we are on completely different wavelengths when I talk about the high cost of living and how we are always fighting for promotions and raises to afford a nice lifestyle for our family. We both work full time to afford our house and we are on two very long waitlists for a pool in our county. We are spending $5k on our beach vacation for a week.

How can I get her to understand how much things cost without her looking at me like I have two heads? For example, when I tell her I am going back to work after my mat leave ends, she almost looks puzzled and disappointed.

It makes me not want to be around her. Thoughts?

You also could live on one income and still can in most parts of the country. Move further out and find a 3 bed / one bath. Get rid of one car. Kids go to state colleges only. No fancy extracurriculars or iPhones. Teenagers get jobs. Go out to eat 1-2x per month max. Sew some of your clothing. No snacks. Fewer beauty treatments. I could go on….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$5k for a beach week is not a lot.

You missed the point. It's considerably more than MIL had to pay when raising her children with one salary.

We don’t know what a comfortable week at the beach cost in the 80s. My family would go for a long weekend to a motel in OCMD on coastal highway. Now, those motels are at least $300 a night, but they still aren’t comparable to renting an entire house on the beach (not in sea colony west). People didn’t really do that, IME back then. You either went to a motel or your family had a house.

This!

[Anonymous]

Op: DH is so stressed with work, he is reaching a breaking point! We hardly see him.
MIL: Maybe he can take some time off or step back a bit and spend time with family.
Op: We cannot afford that, WE are a 2 income family. WE don't have the luxury of living without consequence and automatic pool membership.
MiL: *makes face*
Op: SHE is judging ME!