MIL doesn’t understand the cost of life

[Anonymous]

People used to save until they could afford to put a good down payment on a house. My parents always paid cash for new cars. Very little was bought on time and charge accounts were paid in full every month. Yes, the COL Was considerably less than today but $5000 for a week at the beach is ridiculous. Live within your means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you discuss money with her?

We often talk about work bc it takes up a big part of our life. It’s just hard to relate to someone who never had to work hard.

So keep it superficial. “Relate” to your friends and to your…relatives. See her as a co-worker with whom you need to get along and be pleasant to achieve the shared goal of pleasant family experiences.

Drop your expectations that she will meet YOUR expectations. Do you get that you’re as bad as she is in that regard? She expects you to be a 1970s Pool Mom because that’s what she was. You expect her to be a 2020s Working Mom because that’s what you are.

Talk about the weather and whatever harmless hobbies or interests she has. Or don’t talk to her much at all, that’s OK, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are certain topics l don’t talk to my parents about, other topics l don’t talk to friend x about, etc. If you know discussing this with her will just make you feel bad, don’t bring it up. It’s not like whatever she says will actually impact what you do.

I feel like she is judging us for not making choices that she did.

She often brings up her son in law who is a stay at home dad and how great that is for his kids and how she doesn’t think her son ( my husband) should be working so hard to get promotions.

Then redirect the conversation. You can only control the way you react, not how others do.

[Anonymous]

If she understood more she'd probably be wondering why you're blowing $5K at the beach while you're complaining about how hard you have it. Would you like her to start questioning your budgeting priorities given your income? Then you'd be here complaining about how nosy and rude she is and why she can't mind her own business. Keep the money talk to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you discuss money with her?

We often talk about work bc it takes up a big part of our life. It’s just hard to relate to someone who never had to work hard.

That's neither true nor fair, OP. You might feel this way specifically towards your MIL, but as a stay-at-home mother who did work very hard before quitting her job, and has worked hard, in a different way, since then, I don't think that's a very mature way of putting it.

If she's just befuddled, I don't think your criticism is fair. My parents and in-laws, as well as all the elderly folk I know, are also a little befuddled with the cost of activities and vacations and particular college, these days. It's because they've lived for the past decades without worrying about these costs. It's NORMAL if she hasn't done this in a while. YOU will become that way too if you live for years without dealing with that kind of thing and there's inflation during all that time!

You seem hypersensitive. Please realize that your MIL doesn't have it in for you. Life is confusing for her. Be kind.

[Anonymous]

You are complaining that she doesn’t understand and approve of your choices while also saying she was “only” a SAHM who never worked hard and did nothing of consequence. Clearly you don’t understand or approve of the choices she made either.

[Anonymous]

She's not your girlfriend, so I wouldn't shoot the sh-t with her about promotions at work and the high cost of rec soccer or whatever. Tell her about cute things the kids did. Ask for her potato salad. Ask her to tell you cute stories about things your spouse did as a toddler. Ask where she's going on vacation.
If you feel judged, it's because you are choosing to feel that way. Don't care so much about her opinion of your choices -- own your choices and you won't care if she thinks you should do x, y, or z. If she says "Why don't the kids spend the day at the swimming pool?" It's easy to say "All the pools in our neighborhood have a wait list, so we're on them. Hopefully in a couple of years!" Then move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of what great consequence is your work? Your MIL doesn't need to know how much things cost or understand. She doesn't have children and is of a different era. Talk about it with your friends. Find a different sounding board since your MIL is probably tired of hearing you complain like a broken record about how you can't afford your lifestyle.

I guess it would be nice to relate more to her but the topic of how costly our lifestyle is and how it affects our everyday decisions is on the forefront of my mind.

Your MIL is probably decades older than you and hasn’t had a minor child at home for years. She never earned a salary. She was never the one responsible for keeping a roof over her family’s heads. She may not have even been the one paying the bills, and may not have really known what things cost.

Even though this is at the forefront of your mind, why would you expect her to relate to such concerns? Your concerns are as foreign to her as they are to someone who is decades younger, has a very short work history, and has never owned a home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are certain topics l don’t talk to my parents about, other topics l don’t talk to friend x about, etc. If you know discussing this with her will just make you feel bad, don’t bring it up. It’s not like whatever she says will actually impact what you do.

I feel like she is judging us for not making choices that she did.

She often brings up her son in law who is a stay at home dad and how great that is for his kids and how she doesn’t think her son ( my husband) should be working so hard to get promotions.

I don't think one of you needs to be a SAHP; however, I do think there are people who sacrifice quality of life for career successes, and people who prioritize time with family, not seeking every promotion or transfer etc. There's a balance, and maybe her comments her getting to you bc you know there's some truth to what she says.

[Anonymous]

I think you're badly misunderstanding her, and mistaking her glassy-eyed stare and comments about the other family as judgement on you. Don't fall into that trap. She's trying to understand you, and may very well be talking you up to her friends and saying "Sarah and Paul are working so hard to provide for my grandkids, and they go on luxury beach vacations!"

Don't stop verbalizing what you're doing, OP. She's learning and trying to relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are certain topics l don’t talk to my parents about, other topics l don’t talk to friend x about, etc. If you know discussing this with her will just make you feel bad, don’t bring it up. It’s not like whatever she says will actually impact what you do.

I feel like she is judging us for not making choices that she did.

She often brings up her son in law who is a stay at home dad and how great that is for his kids and how she doesn’t think her son ( my husband) should be working so hard to get promotions.

omg she promotes fathers quitting work?? She is literally sick and toxic. I would talk to them less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are certain topics l don’t talk to my parents about, other topics l don’t talk to friend x about, etc. If you know discussing this with her will just make you feel bad, don’t bring it up. It’s not like whatever she says will actually impact what you do.

I feel like she is judging us for not making choices that she did.

She often brings up her son in law who is a stay at home dad and how great that is for his kids and how she doesn’t think her son ( my husband) should be working so hard to get promotions.

omg she promotes fathers quitting work?? She is literally sick and toxic. I would talk to them less.

She promotes a “simple” lifestyle. That’s what gets me. There is absolutely nothing simple about the way we live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you discuss money with her?

We often talk about work bc it takes up a big part of our life. It’s just hard to relate to someone who never had to work hard.

All you talk about is work, argue about money, and demean MIL who never had a job of consequence?

Some self awareness, grace, social skills, and a hobby or sport might help. Unless arguing and putting others down is your hobby/skill/job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you discuss money with her?

We often talk about work bc it takes up a big part of our life. It’s just hard to relate to someone who never had to work hard.

All you talk about is work, argue about money, and demean MIL who never had a job of consequence?

Some self awareness, grace, social skills, and a hobby or sport might help. Unless arguing and putting others down is your hobby/skill/job.

I’m frustrated that she lives in an ivory tower and looks at me in a puzzled manner when I discuss cost of living. We absolutely are pushing for that promotion to get us to the next level.

She seems to dreamily long for the good old days when you could be a stay at home parent and not hang by a financial string.

[Anonymous]

What are you talking about. You sound pretty difficult and entitled. You choose to spend a lot, as you can go to the beach for far less.