MIL doesn’t understand the cost of life

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound super, super defensive. Instead of trying to “convince” your MIL about how hard your life is, how important your job is, etc, stop thinking that everything she says is a judgment of you. And STOP talking about the cost of living with her. It has zero relevance to your relationship.

You: We’d love to see you next week. How about Saturday.
MIL: can we do Friday?
You: sorry, I have a work thing until late
MIL: I just feel for you and Larlo - always having to work so hard
You: Thanks! Tell me about your weekend plans.

Just because she says something in passing, it doesn’t mean she is judging you. And if she is, stop caring and stop thinking that your job is to change her mind.

You do your thing, she does hers and change the subject as needed.

[Anonymous]

There's no reason in the world to tell your MIL the pricetag for your beach vacation. "We're taking the kids to the beach for a week" should suffice.

You're goading her into the reaction you know she will have when you tell her it's five grand. You WANT her to be shocked, and when she is, you act triggered. Why do you do things like this, OP? Start there.

[Anonymous]

OP, you never answered what kind of income you earn and home you own. I have to assume it's both quite high, in which case when you complain how hard it is, your MIL suggests scaling back on work + luxuries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you still haven't answered what your job of great consequence is.

I didn’t live off a man

Yet who seems happier in life? Not you, that's for sure.

I wouldn’t be happy being dependent on someone

You aren't happy now and you do depend on your husband because you need his second income to fund your $5K vacation.

Well we are a two-income team

I’m a sahm. I understand the cost of life. Dh earns a high enough income so that we have the lifestyle.

I am not sure why you have to talk about work or money to your in laws.

Everyone has different priorities. Sometimes I see SAHMs whose husbands don’t earn a lot complain about lack of money and wonder why they don’t find a job. I also see dual income families where mom seems to work and is unhappy but needs the income for lifestyle. I would never say anything to these people.

If Dh earned less than $1m, I would probably go back to work. I stopped working when he earned 800k. I was planning to go back to work but we had another kid and his income just continued to increase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People want more things now. Bigger houses, eating out, house cleaners, more than one car, vacations, college for their kids, etc. I don’t know if things were actually cheaper but you are not comparing apples to apples.

Consumerism is an added an expense - technology, Nike sneakers, video games, fancy vacations — but other than that most people just want what generations used to easily have. Many families used to have housekeepers including both my parents when they were growing up. They were middle clsss/upper middle class living in a regular suburban neighborhood in fairly small homes. They went to college (cheap), took vacations to California, NYC and Florida. Medical care was inexpensive. Now all that crap is cost prohibitive.

So, OP, I hear ya! Just change the subject when she talks to something you both enjoy chatting about.

No one in my family went to college before my dad, my mom didn't go to college, for example. It wasn't common for everyone to go to college in previous generations. We live much more conspicuous lifestyles now than previous generations. By far. People traveled by car to go camping, kids wore hand me downs, expensive summer camps weren't the norm, limited technology. Our lives are much more complicated now and we pay dearly for it.

Things are more complicated, you are right, especially in regards to tech. But also in regards to financial decisions- retirement, college, health care. There is so much for us to worry about! I can see why OP is frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People want more things now. Bigger houses, eating out, house cleaners, more than one car, vacations, college for their kids, etc. I don’t know if things were actually cheaper but you are not comparing apples to apples.

Consumerism is an added an expense - technology, Nike sneakers, video games, fancy vacations — but other than that most people just want what generations used to easily have. Many families used to have housekeepers including both my parents when they were growing up. They were middle clsss/upper middle class living in a regular suburban neighborhood in fairly small homes. They went to college (cheap), took vacations to California, NYC and Florida. Medical care was inexpensive. Now all that crap is cost prohibitive.

So, OP, I hear ya! Just change the subject when she talks to something you both enjoy chatting about.

No one in my family went to college before my dad, my mom didn't go to college, for example. It wasn't common for everyone to go to college in previous generations. We live much more conspicuous lifestyles now than previous generations. By far. People traveled by car to go camping, kids wore hand me downs, expensive summer camps weren't the norm, limited technology. Our lives are much more complicated now and we pay dearly for it.

Things are more complicated, you are right, especially in regards to tech. But also in regards to financial decisions- retirement, college, health care. There is so much for us to worry about! I can see why OP is frustrated.

But taking it out on the MIL is inappropriate. Save the commiserating for your friends in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry your husband doesn’t make enough to support your family. His life growing up sounds pretty nice even tough his mom did “nothing of consequence”.

Go back to 1955 where you belong. Gag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you discuss money with her?

We often talk about work bc it takes up a big part of our life. It’s just hard to relate to someone who never had to work hard.

How do you know she never had to work hard? You sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL raised kids during an era when the cost of housing was low, you could raise a family on one income and kids stayed at the pool from morning to night with little to no supervision. Beach vacations cost a few hundred dollars per week.

She was a SAHM who had little jobs here and there but nothing of consequence.

I feel like we are on completely different wavelengths when I talk about the high cost of living and how we are always fighting for promotions and raises to afford a nice lifestyle for our family. We both work full time to afford our house and we are on two very long waitlists for a pool in our county. We are spending $5k on our beach vacation for a week.

How can I get her to understand how much things cost without her looking at me like I have two heads? For example, when I tell her I am going back to work after my mat leave ends, she almost looks puzzled and disappointed.

It makes me not want to be around her. Thoughts?

How much did they earn?

You are choosing to spend $5000 on a beach vacation.

Why do you discuss finances with her? She obviously can't comprehend what it's like now. It might be simpler to just not discuss it. My MIL was willfully uninformed about a lot.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. My mother is the same. Me and DH work fulltime and have an income of 200k, my mother thinks, we are rich. My mother was SAHM, never worked, nevertheless has a good pension and can travel everywhere she wants, while we will never be able to afford travelling after retirement, and we will probably work untli the age of 70. But I dont's speak with my mother about money.

[Anonymous]

Want vs need,. op, that is the key here.
You want something or do you need something? In the end, it sounds like you are upset that you are not having more time home with your baby, which most mom feel regardless of their socio economic wants and needs.
I wonder how much you earn and how much you will spend on childcare options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you OP. My mother is the same. Me and DH work fulltime and have an income of 200k, my mother thinks, we are rich. My mother was SAHM, never worked, nevertheless has a good pension and can travel everywhere she wants, while we will never be able to afford travelling after retirement, and we will probably work untli the age of 70. But I dont's speak with my mother about money.

Talk about insanity of privilege. You are the prime example of wanna be victim cause you are not a millionaire already, or you are, but you are just greedy and have no idea what life is like for most of Americans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People want more things now. Bigger houses, eating out, house cleaners, more than one car, vacations, college for their kids, etc. I don’t know if things were actually cheaper but you are not comparing apples to apples.

Consumerism is an added an expense - technology, Nike sneakers, video games, fancy vacations — but other than that most people just want what generations used to easily have. Many families used to have housekeepers including both my parents when they were growing up. They were middle clsss/upper middle class living in a regular suburban neighborhood in fairly small homes. They went to college (cheap), took vacations to California, NYC and Florida. Medical care was inexpensive. Now all that crap is cost prohibitive.

So, OP, I hear ya! Just change the subject when she talks to something you both enjoy chatting about.

Let me guess, the housekeepers were black?

How sad that those people now have other options.

[Anonymous]

Few hundred dollars a week is the equivalent of 5K today. How is that so hard to understand? Seems to me your MIL made sacrifices and made her own decisions that made the man you fell in love with.
But, now she doesn't understand? How so? My MIL did the same as your MIL, did a few "meaningless" jobs( meaningless only to you, I say) to be with kids more and she also raised wonderful kids and grown people now.
Nor did it raising kids mean doing nothing back then, as you are insinuating. You are just making excuses for being a horrible human being.
And by that I do not mean bcs you work outside home, not at all. Hint, you will nor understand what I mean, bcs you can't understand other people and other perspectives.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like my FIL to a degree. He has been saying how mom's work is raising kids. Then he asked me once they were in college how it feels to have a real job!
I told him I am retired, cause my job was to raise kids!
In a similar way, OP sounds just as nasty as my FIL.