Why Men Cheat - How Can I Break This Cycle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Except when you get married you normally promise in front of God and your families to be faithful.
You don’t promise to be horny.

Church weddings are on the decline: https://www.startribune.com/church-weddings-are-on-the-decline/511981072/#:~:text=Religious%20institutions%20hosted%20only%2022,from%2041%20percent%20in%202009.

They now represent much less than 50% of all weddings. So, no you normally do not promise in front of God.

Yes, a marriage vow carries the expectation that both parties will have sex with each other.

This is such a bs reasoning. I guess the advice for anyone before getting married is to discuss if cheating is OK for either of the spouse. If that expectation is clearly stated before marriage, that is the rule that should be followed. If you think that men need to set an expectation of sex x times per week always, you should discuss that with your partner before getting engaged/married.

The thing is most people have discussed cheating at some point in their relationship and their thoughts on it are pretty clearly understood before getting married even if vows do not state anything about fidelity. If your spouse didn't mind you cheating, that's great. It's not cheating anymore. If she didn't accept cheating in a partner, your reasoning is out the window and is not acceptable. BTW, if your wife agreed to sex x times a week before marriage and it's not happening that frequently, it's still not a reason for cheating. It is absolutely a reason for divorce though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone posted this article and it really hit home, particularly this passage:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

I have cheated on my wife 2x in short term affairs over our 18 year marriage. It really does seem to stem from her treating sex as a chore, an infrequent one at that, and no matter how many conversations I have, nothing changes. Is there a way to learn to accept this or does it always end in cheating? Any men out there that did therapy that helped?

“I’m cheating on my wife but I’m pretty sure it’s her fault right?”

I mean, it kinda is.

- DW

it’s the chicken or the egg dilemma, wife willingly or not punishes husband because this and that, resentment for past or present behaviors, by not having sex with him, then husband willingly or not punishes wife by cheating, either needs that human connection with the affair partner, getting back his self confidence

the conclusion, the fault lies with both wife and husband, as with the child education, punishment never works, better try reward, husband must reward every effort wife makes, and wife rewards good deeds from husband

or you can say it gets to that point through no fault of anyone, it’s just how life goes

marriage is an artificial social construct, fidelity is another artificial construct, mainly religious, it does make sense from multiple aspects but it doesn’t from few others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have low self esteem, cheating is not the answer (if you have any character, that will only make you feel worse about yourself—let alone your family , if they found out).

Your value is not measured by mileage on your d*ck.

Please get therapy.

You can't live in a society where individuals are constantly being told, in ways big and little, that attractiveness to the opposite sex is a significant indicator of value and then tell a person to get therapy when they happen to notice the connection.

Get off social media and reality TV.

You're wrong if you think that judging a person's worth based on their attractiveness to the opposite sex is a modern phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

FYI - rejection doesn't happen in a vacuum. There is a reason for it. A spouse doesn't have cause to just cheat just because their spouse keeps rejecting them if that spouse hasn't tried to address the root of the issue -- communication, therapy, etc...

If the spouse has tried all the above, and communicated that they are thinking of stepping out, and the other spouse still doesn't want to fix the issue, then you have cause.

otherwise, no, you don't get to be an ahole all the time, expect your spouse to want to have sex with you, and when denied, go cheat. Epitome of selfish aholeness.

[Anonymous]

God men are so stupid. Wives treat sex as a chore only when it becomes a chore because it’s one more thing in their plate to keep their husbands happy, rather than an enjoyable experience for themselves. But instead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

This has been researched and women have been saying the same thing over and over again and men are still like “but I need sex and I shouldn’t have to do anything I don’t feel like doing to get it!”

I’m so glad my husband isn’t like OP and so many other men who are just too obtuse, prideful, and sensitive to fix a very fixable problem, and instead hurt others to get what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone posted this article and it really hit home, particularly this passage:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

I have cheated on my wife 2x in short term affairs over our 18 year marriage. It really does seem to stem from her treating sex as a chore, an infrequent one at that, and no matter how many conversations I have, nothing changes. Is there a way to learn to accept this or does it always end in cheating? Any men out there that did therapy that helped?

“I’m cheating on my wife but I’m pretty sure it’s her fault right?”

I mean, it kinda is.

- DW

it’s the chicken or the egg dilemma, wife willingly or not punishes husband because this and that, resentment for past or present behaviors, by not having sex with him, then husband willingly or not punishes wife by cheating, either needs that human connection with the affair partner, getting back his self confidence

the conclusion, the fault lies with both wife and husband, as with the child education, punishment never works, better try reward, husband must reward every effort wife makes, and wife rewards good deeds from husband

or you can say it gets to that point through no fault of anyone, it’s just how life goes

marriage is an artificial social construct, fidelity is another artificial construct, mainly religious, it does make sense from multiple aspects but it doesn’t from few others

You get to the heart of this. Sort of reminds me of the Russia Ukraine standoff. Sure we can help beat Russia but they literally have the nuclear option.

It's why women hate cheaters so much. It dilutes the power of refusal to have sex if men can get it elsewhere.

Like a comedian once said, everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power

[Anonymous]

Women not wanting to have sex is not a way of punishing men.

If a man loses attraction to his wife after she gains 100 lbs and doesn’t sleep with her? Is that a punishment? No, he just doesn’t want to have sex with her.

A husband acting like he isn’t interested in his wife’s life or caring about her by making her life less stressful is the sexual equivalent of a wife gaining 10” lbs. A husband being flat-out rude is the sexual equivalent of a wife gaining 200 lbs.

It’s not a punishment, it’s just cause and effect.

But I know that i won’t convince a lot of men because so many are incapable of recognizing that they could be wrong and that everything women do and feel doesn’t revolve around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone posted this article and it really hit home, particularly this passage:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

I have cheated on my wife 2x in short term affairs over our 18 year marriage. It really does seem to stem from her treating sex as a chore, an infrequent one at that, and no matter how many conversations I have, nothing changes. Is there a way to learn to accept this or does it always end in cheating? Any men out there that did therapy that helped?

“I’m cheating on my wife but I’m pretty sure it’s her fault right?”

I mean, it kinda is.

- DW

it’s the chicken or the egg dilemma, wife willingly or not punishes husband because this and that, resentment for past or present behaviors, by not having sex with him, then husband willingly or not punishes wife by cheating, either needs that human connection with the affair partner, getting back his self confidence

the conclusion, the fault lies with both wife and husband, as with the child education, punishment never works, better try reward, husband must reward every effort wife makes, and wife rewards good deeds from husband

or you can say it gets to that point through no fault of anyone, it’s just how life goes

marriage is an artificial social construct, fidelity is another artificial construct, mainly religious, it does make sense from multiple aspects but it doesn’t from few others

You get to the heart of this. Sort of reminds me of the Russia Ukraine standoff. Sure we can help beat Russia but they literally have the nuclear option.

It's why women hate cheaters so much. It dilutes the power of refusal to have sex if men can get it elsewhere.

Like a comedian once said, everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power

Ah men. They’d rather base their life decisions on a pithy statement by a comedian instead of just listening to women.

[Anonymous]

Fathers cheated, child of an alcoholic, narcissistic tendencies, depression.

Pre-screen for these traits prior to marriage and if you still are madly in love, better make sure he gets some individual therapy to address these things. Unfortunately, in his 20s/early 30s he won't think he needs it and that he won't repeat family patterns.

[Anonymous]

When I grave sex it remind itself to me 24/7. It has happened only 5 short time periods in ca 25 years. I felt like I got to feel like what men feel a lot of times.
When I don't want sex, which is most of the time, it is a chore. It's almost like it was chopped off and I don't feel anything, but still have to do it. The man being good in bed or attractive doesn't make a different. The feeling just isn't there. again, it's like it was chopped off.
I went from wanting it to not wanting any of it within a few months. So I googled what the reason might be. Nearing menopause and the blood flow not making to it. No wonder I don't feel anything.
Men, would you like to have sex if it's numb and doesn't get up?
I can barely pull it off on my own and extremely weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fathers cheated, child of an alcoholic, narcissistic tendencies, depression.

Pre-screen for these traits prior to marriage and if you still are madly in love, better make sure he gets some individual therapy to address these things. Unfortunately, in his 20s/early 30s he won't think he needs it and that he won't repeat family patterns.

+1

As if it is the marriage or woman/man.

And, really, it's 2022. There are so many women in certain age groups that cheat in the same rate as the men. Yet- if anyone mentions that --oh they are misogynistic or anti-feminist, etc. Fact of the matter is that online/internet dating has opened the door to SAHMs finding affair partners/quick bangs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: [I]nstead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

One of my problems was that my wife wasn't an active participant in helping to figure out how to make sex an enjoyable experience. Initially she said she didn't know why she didn't want to have sex and then, when I pressed a little bit, she cited body image issues. She hates her body. Beyond telling and showing her that I like her body, that kind of shuts me out of the process. It's frustrating to have so little influence over my own sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 15 years and still love to have sex with my husband. #1 reason is because he is GREAT in bed. It's simple.

Why did all these other women marry men who aren't great in bed? While I blame these men for being bad in bed, I blame women for choosing to marry a husband who is bad in bed. Seriously, how does that ever get past the 4th date?

DH was great up until we started actual PIV, at which point everything we did in bed started to focus on that. I thought that we had a whole lifetime to learn about each other’s bodies and we would get back to all of the touching and exploring once sex wasn’t a novelty and we could take more time with each other.

Turns out that never really came back, even with talking to him about it and wearing lingerie and creating role plays that should involve a lot of foreplay, it’s still much shorter than I want it to be. As often as not, sex is more or less over as soon as I start to get into it (if not before).