Why Men Cheat - How Can I Break This Cycle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I heard of an older man who cheated knowing full well he would never leave his wife-- she made the money and she was a firm believer in wedding vows and wouldn't even let him go if it came down to it. So, he knew what he could get away with. They've been married for more than 25 years and she's full aware her husband is a cad but again, she's determined to stay married to him. So, why do men cheat? Because they know their wives and how much crap they'll take. As long as the wife isn't willing to toss him out and find someone new, as long as she's too afraid of the stigma of being unmarried (not that there is a stigma, really, it's all in her head), as long as she actually thinks losing the jerk is worse than death, men will cheat.

Get real. She doesn’t want to pay him alimony and child support, just like a man when a SAHM cheats.

This is why the cheating partner should not receive alimony. It puts the other spouse at risk and therefore negates the need to support the spouse.

I feel like this would also reduce the amount of arguments men make about women abusing them for money in a divorce. We could finally see also how often cheating plays a role in a relationship dying. Cheating due to no sex after a period of years could also be part of this negotiation. Monogamous sex and raising children in a monogamous household is pretty much the main reason for marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 15 years and still love to have sex with my husband. #1 reason is because he is GREAT in bed. It's simple.

Why did all these other women marry men who aren't great in bed? While I blame these men for being bad in bed, I blame women for choosing to marry a husband who is bad in bed. Seriously, how does that ever get past the 4th date?

DH was great up until we started actual PIV, at which point everything we did in bed started to focus on that. I thought that we had a whole lifetime to learn about each other’s bodies and we would get back to all of the touching and exploring once sex wasn’t a novelty and we could take more time with each other.

Turns out that never really came back, even with talking to him about it and wearing lingerie and creating role plays that should involve a lot of foreplay, it’s still much shorter than I want it to be. As often as not, sex is more or less over as soon as I start to get into it (if not before).

start yourself by watching porn, deny him until you feel ready

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 15 years and still love to have sex with my husband. #1 reason is because he is GREAT in bed. It's simple.

Why did all these other women marry men who aren't great in bed? While I blame these men for being bad in bed, I blame women for choosing to marry a husband who is bad in bed. Seriously, how does that ever get past the 4th date?

DH was great up until we started actual PIV, at which point everything we did in bed started to focus on that. I thought that we had a whole lifetime to learn about each other’s bodies and we would get back to all of the touching and exploring once sex wasn’t a novelty and we could take more time with each other.

Turns out that never really came back, even with talking to him about it and wearing lingerie and creating role plays that should involve a lot of foreplay, it’s still much shorter than I want it to be. As often as not, sex is more or less over as soon as I start to get into it (if not before).

start yourself by watching porn, deny him until you feel ready

I would never get ready by watching porn alone while my husband sulked in the corner. Sulking men are never hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

Why don't YOU divorce HER then, Sexless Marriage Guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

The difference is honesty. The spouse who is cheating is cheating and lying. If it’s a given that a spouse can cheat if they’re not having sex at some predetermined frequency, then surely there should be no need to lie about it?

What does a spouse who has been cheating do when or if his spouse offers sex? Turn them down? Or expose them without their consent to STIs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

Is the marriage open for her too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

Is the marriage open for her too?

Of course! But she doesn’t want sex (right?) so she has zero drive to act on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

The difference is honesty. The spouse who is cheating is cheating and lying. If it’s a given that a spouse can cheat if they’re not having sex at some predetermined frequency, then surely there should be no need to lie about it?

What does a spouse who has been cheating do when or if his spouse offers sex? Turn them down? Or expose them without their consent to STIs?

Oh- they’ll just expose them. That’s the kind of character cheaters have. We had sex a lot and partner cheated. Gee- I wonder why I don’t want to have sex now? Kind of ironic. I had no hang ups and we had a good sex life prior. Now just hanging in until kids get older. Ruined all trust and attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

Why don't YOU divorce HER then, Sexless Marriage Guy?

Same reason the sexless wife doesn’t file: the marriage is perfect in every, except for no sex. The man going elsewhere for sex saves their marriage, a win-win. Just like the article says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

The difference is honesty. The spouse who is cheating is cheating and lying. If it’s a given that a spouse can cheat if they’re not having sex at some predetermined frequency, then surely there should be no need to lie about it?

What does a spouse who has been cheating do when or if his spouse offers sex? Turn them down? Or expose them without their consent to STIs?

It is disingenuous of you to claim their is any lying involved when a sexless marriage results in going elsewhere. Any sexless wife with an IQ above single digits must know that men do not live celibate. And for the record I am in favor of openly declaring the marriage is open, but this is about as news worthy as openly acknowledging that the sky is blue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

The difference is honesty. The spouse who is cheating is cheating and lying. If it’s a given that a spouse can cheat if they’re not having sex at some predetermined frequency, then surely there should be no need to lie about it?

What does a spouse who has been cheating do when or if his spouse offers sex? Turn them down? Or expose them without their consent to STIs?

It is disingenuous of you to claim their is any lying involved when a sexless marriage results in going elsewhere. Any sexless wife with an IQ above single digits must know that men do not live celibate. And for the record I am in favor of openly declaring the marriage is open, but this is about as news worthy as openly acknowledging that the sky is blue.

So, to be clear, your assertion is that all men whose wives are ill cheat? All men whose wives are deployed (or who are themselves deployed) cheat? I never thought I’d say this on DCUM but you’re not giving men enough credit for integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person who wants change has to be the one to change. If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex, you are the one who needs to make changes, particularly if you have the spare time, spare energy, and spare money for an affair.

If the couple had more sex at the beginning of their relationship, and now is having less because the wife will not participate, then your point is nonsense.

Look at your words, and really try to understand what you have written. Apply your reasoning to another aspect of married life.

If at the beginning of the marriage the DH shared all of his earnings, but now only shares 5% of them, the relationship has changed. If that 5% equaled the same amount of money (in inflation-adjusted dollars), the relationship has still changed.

Making a unilateral change and then demanding your spouse change to regain the status quo is what you are suggesting.

She can get her 50% in court. No court will order her to have sex with him. Your parallel doesn’t hold up.

Marriage does not entitle you to sex. The only thing that ensures you get sex within marriage is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with.

Know what else marriage doesn’t eNtItLe you to? Fidelity.

I mean it’s literally in the vows, and infidelity is a crime in several states including Virginia, so I beg to differ.

Wow so Nobody in Virginia cheats? Because it’s in the vow and you could go to jail? Who knew. Guess you are entitled to fidelity. So go right on being sexless because he won’t cheat. Because those Vows.

NP. Why are you so belligerent? The pp stated the law (as he/she understood in VA). Your reply is non-sequitor and so what's up with that.

The idea that a spouse can deny sex while still being "entitled" to fidelity is preposterous. I'm not talking about the occasional "just not feeling it .. so no" I mean consistent rejection resulting in very infrequent marital sex. PP then goes on to state that vows and archaic VA laws makes this OK / expected. Um, just no. A spouse is totally free to not want sex, they should expect their partner will be going elsewhere for sex. If these terms are unacceptable then sexless people should file for divorce.

Just because you keep saying that no sex means cheating is allowed doesn't make it so. If you don't have sex the way you like or how often you like, divorce her for pete's sake. Trust and honesty do matter in a marriage. You'll come up with some reason why divorce is not good for you (maybe couched as not good for kids, not good for spouse but in reality it's not good for you) but really do the minimum and tell her you intend to cheat, and then the issue is with her. Let her solve it (divorce or open marriage or fix the sex issue).

Go back and read the OP and link. It’s not just me saying than no sex is permission to go elsewhere it is (practically) every man who has found himself in a sexless marriage. If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake! Or accept that your celibacy means the marriage is open for him.

Why don't YOU divorce HER then, Sexless Marriage Guy?

Same reason the sexless wife doesn’t file: the marriage is perfect in every, except for no sex. The man going elsewhere for sex saves their marriage, a win-win. Just like the article says.

" If you don’t want sex with your spouse just divorce him for Pete’s sake!" That's literally what I was responding to.

And no, women who don't want to divorce it's not because the marriage is perfect-- it's because they know their neglectful man-baby husbands will disappear from their kids lives or they don't want their kids to have a step mom, or they don't want to split custody.

SMG- if your marriage was perfect- your wife would probably want to sleep with you. In all of your many posts- you come across as a self-centered jerk who refuses to listen to anyone else's perspective. I think you need to look inward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone posted this article and it really hit home, particularly this passage:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

I have cheated on my wife 2x in short term affairs over our 18 year marriage. It really does seem to stem from her treating sex as a chore, an infrequent one at that, and no matter how many conversations I have, nothing changes. Is there a way to learn to accept this or does it always end in cheating? Any men out there that did therapy that helped?

You are a jerk.

Totally worthless human being.