Why Men Cheat - How Can I Break This Cycle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this means sex is more important than honesty for the cheater and therefore it's a values issue with a cheater, not a sex issue. If it were sex issue, they would divorce instead of cheating.

everything is about sex, except sex itself ... just keep that in mind ... you do lots of things just to get laid, spend time, money, lie, whatever it takes, but in the end sex is about how it makes you feel, almost like any drug

This is so true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this means sex is more important than honesty for the cheater and therefore it's a values issue with a cheater, not a sex issue. If it were sex issue, they would divorce instead of cheating.

everything is about sex, except sex itself ... just keep that in mind ... you do lots of things just to get laid, spend time, money, lie, whatever it takes, but in the end sex is about how it makes you feel, almost like any drug

And for men apparently that is some sort of dopamine fix whereas for women it's a sense of security as well as high intensity. I get the feeling that the calmness and security from a partner to them isn't a transaction they feel or care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this means sex is more important than honesty for the cheater and therefore it's a values issue with a cheater, not a sex issue. If it were sex issue, they would divorce instead of cheating.

everything is about sex, except sex itself ... just keep that in mind ... you do lots of things just to get laid, spend time, money, lie, whatever it takes, but in the end sex is about how it makes you feel, almost like any drug

And for men apparently that is some sort of dopamine fix whereas for women it's a sense of security as well as high intensity. I get the feeling that the calmness and security from a partner to them isn't a transaction they feel or care about.

Nah, it's dopamine for us too. Sorry to disappoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this means sex is more important than honesty for the cheater and therefore it's a values issue with a cheater, not a sex issue. If it were sex issue, they would divorce instead of cheating.

everything is about sex, except sex itself ... just keep that in mind ... you do lots of things just to get laid, spend time, money, lie, whatever it takes, but in the end sex is about how it makes you feel, almost like any drug

And for men apparently that is some sort of dopamine fix whereas for women it's a sense of security as well as high intensity. I get the feeling that the calmness and security from a partner to them isn't a transaction they feel or care about.

Nah, it's dopamine for us too. Sorry to disappoint.

+1. For women it’s dopamine too. I don’t know why people still insist our sexuality is so very different from men. I think they are threatened by the idea that women need a man to look good and keep it fresh. They think we will sit down and shut up and enjoy sex if we get “help” around the house. That doesn’t turn me on at all. Like ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

This. Husbands can let themselves go, never do anything romantic, and be lousy in bed. But then they get angry when we won’t fall down on our backs like they are sex gods.

Stop with this fantasy that good husbands are showered with sex and only bad husbands go wanting. Husbands can also be perfectly good people, not become hideous, treat their wife and family well, and still not be the object of their wife's sexual desire.

I don’t agree.

The common thread I have seen on DCUM is a husband wants to have more sex than his wife and so he wants his wife to change to accommodate that. How often are women told we can’t change men?

Here’s what worked for me, and the only thing I’ve seen work among my peers:

Make your marriage a place where your wife’s sexuality is treated as a family priority. Proper recovery after childbirth (this is where Everyone I Know who stopped sleeping with her husband has a common factor: Insufficient recovery support), enough rest— physical but also mental, no one wants to switch gears from planning all the summer camp to going down on their husband— dedicated time for exercise in a format that she finds enjoyable, vacations where she isn’t the cruise director and she is as much “on vacation” as everyone else, not squeezed into a house with 13 other people while FIL waits for her to wash dishes.

And here’s the thing— that might mean making changes. That might mean the husband says no to vacations with his parents or starts waking up early on Saturday to take the kids to swim lessons. That’s ok. It’s ok to make changes to support a lifestyle you want. But people like the OP want to keep everything the same and expect the wife to suddenly want sex with him, while he’s clearly not putting in the minimum if he has time for affairs.

— wife who has sex with her wife 2x week and 2x day on vacations

[Anonymous]

The premise of your post is all based on feelings.

Fact - your wife is having regular sex with you.
Feeling - she acts like it is a chore.
Fact - you are using your subjective perception of your wife's enthusiasm to justify cheating on her.

This is a very subjective (and also, symbiotic) thing. Remember that the grass is greenest where you water it. You've gotten plenty of good advice on how to honor and engage your wife in ways that will increase good feelings and perpetuate positive cycles, so I won't repeat those.

I don't know if your wife can enjoy sex with you more or not. But I do know that complaining that she's not enthusiastic enough has a 0.87% chance of working. Cheating on her has a negative 100% chance of working. What might work is focusing on her pleasure, even if that means something other than an orgasm for you. Not because you want something in return, but because you want to be the kind of partner who is curious about what she enjoys and eager to provide it for her. This just might rub off on her and come back around your way.

Just to review, that article was complete rubbish unless you were looking for "stupid reasons guys convince themselves their cheating makes sense." You're not in a sexless marriage, mate. You have just made yourself judge and jury on whether she's enthusiastic enough and then sentenced her to betrayal.

I don't think you'll find too many women on here who find what you're describing all that sexy. Unfortunately for your karma, there are plenty of women with Daddy issues and poor self-esteem to fall into bed with you when your wife gets another bad report card. But see, their enthusiasm for you wouldn't last 20 years of being married to you either. Thinking if you cosplay a porn star successfully enough you might win the grand prize of the married cheater is what drives them. If I can steal this guy away from his wife, then I MUST be worth something, right?