Why Men Cheat - How Can I Break This Cycle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [I]nstead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

One of my problems was that my wife wasn't an active participant in helping to figure out how to make sex an enjoyable experience. Initially she said she didn't know why she didn't want to have sex and then, when I pressed a little bit, she cited body image issues. She hates her body. Beyond telling and showing her that I like her body, that kind of shuts me out of the process. It's frustrating to have so little influence over my own sex life.

Play doctor. Have her put on a “gown” (satin robe), and expose only one part of her body at a time. Try to choose parts that you actually really love about her body (other than her vagina), and go into specifics about what you like about it.

Do it by candlelight. Have her wear a blindfold if she’s uncomfortable.

Don’t try to have sex with her unless she asks you to.

[Anonymous]

I thought this thread was about why men cheat and how to get them to stop. I'd really like to understand this. So many men who have decent sex lives. Not frigid women still cheat. One of my friends was a yoga instructor and the guy cheated on her. How much better of a body do you need? It's maddening to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [I]nstead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

One of my problems was that my wife wasn't an active participant in helping to figure out how to make sex an enjoyable experience. Initially she said she didn't know why she didn't want to have sex and then, when I pressed a little bit, she cited body image issues. She hates her body. Beyond telling and showing her that I like her body, that kind of shuts me out of the process. It's frustrating to have so little influence over my own sex life.

Does she have time to work out? I have some body image issues too and I feel better about myself when I have time and space to work out regularly. Last night I got back from a barre class at 6:30 (after working at my FT job all day) and was feeling pretty good… until I walked in the door and my kids asked what was for dinner while my DH played on his phone. My lady parts all but sealed themselves shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [I]nstead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

One of my problems was that my wife wasn't an active participant in helping to figure out how to make sex an enjoyable experience. Initially she said she didn't know why she didn't want to have sex and then, when I pressed a little bit, she cited body image issues. She hates her body. Beyond telling and showing her that I like her body, that kind of shuts me out of the process. It's frustrating to have so little influence over my own sex life.

Does she have time to work out? I have some body image issues too and I feel better about myself when I have time and space to work out regularly. Last night I got back from a barre class at 6:30 (after working at my FT job all day) and was feeling pretty good… until I walked in the door and my kids asked what was for dinner while my DH played on his phone. My lady parts all but sealed themselves shut.

Oh yeah. She's run three full marathons and I don't know how many half-marathons over the last 10 years. It hasn't really helped her with what she regards as her weight problem, but running does make her feel better in general. Anyway, with all of the hours that kind of training entails, time to work out isn't an issue. (If I'm honest, I envy that about her schedule. My only work out options are at the ass end of the day, either really early or really late.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [I]nstead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

One of my problems was that my wife wasn't an active participant in helping to figure out how to make sex an enjoyable experience. Initially she said she didn't know why she didn't want to have sex and then, when I pressed a little bit, she cited body image issues. She hates her body. Beyond telling and showing her that I like her body, that kind of shuts me out of the process. It's frustrating to have so little influence over my own sex life.

Does she have time to work out? I have some body image issues too and I feel better about myself when I have time and space to work out regularly. Last night I got back from a barre class at 6:30 (after working at my FT job all day) and was feeling pretty good… until I walked in the door and my kids asked what was for dinner while my DH played on his phone. My lady parts all but sealed themselves shut.

Oh yeah. She's run three full marathons and I don't know how many half-marathons over the last 10 years. It hasn't really helped her with what she regards as her weight problem, but running does make her feel better in general. Anyway, with all of the hours that kind of training entails, time to work out isn't an issue. (If I'm honest, I envy that about her schedule. My only work out options are at the ass end of the day, either really early or really late.)

I guess this is proof that everyone’s issues are individual.
It sounds like your marathon loving wife who cannot have sex because of body image issues needs some serious therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I grave sex it remind itself to me 24/7. It has happened only 5 short time periods in ca 25 years. I felt like I got to feel like what men feel a lot of times.
When I don't want sex, which is most of the time, it is a chore. It's almost like it was chopped off and I don't feel anything, but still have to do it. The man being good in bed or attractive doesn't make a different. The feeling just isn't there. again, it's like it was chopped off.
I went from wanting it to not wanting any of it within a few months. So I googled what the reason might be. Nearing menopause and the blood flow not making to it. No wonder I don't feel anything.
Men, would you like to have sex if it's numb and doesn't get up?
I can barely pull it off on my own and extremely weak.

If you don't want sex, then just don't have sex! But do not expect your husband (who likely still does want sex) to be celibate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I grave sex it remind itself to me 24/7. It has happened only 5 short time periods in ca 25 years. I felt like I got to feel like what men feel a lot of times.
When I don't want sex, which is most of the time, it is a chore. It's almost like it was chopped off and I don't feel anything, but still have to do it. The man being good in bed or attractive doesn't make a different. The feeling just isn't there. again, it's like it was chopped off.
I went from wanting it to not wanting any of it within a few months. So I googled what the reason might be. Nearing menopause and the blood flow not making to it. No wonder I don't feel anything.
Men, would you like to have sex if it's numb and doesn't get up?
I can barely pull it off on my own and extremely weak.

If you don't want sex, then just don't have sex! But do not expect your husband (who likely still does want sex) to be celibate.

So, what should the ^PP whose parts aren't functioning properly (ie, no pleasure) do about that? Should her DH just say, "That's your problem. I'm gonna go cheat".?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for 15 years and still love to have sex with my husband. #1 reason is because he is GREAT in bed. It's simple.

Why did all these other women marry men who aren't great in bed? While I blame these men for being bad in bed, I blame women for choosing to marry a husband who is bad in bed. Seriously, how does that ever get past the 4th date?

DH was great up until we started actual PIV, at which point everything we did in bed started to focus on that. I thought that we had a whole lifetime to learn about each other’s bodies and we would get back to all of the touching and exploring once sex wasn’t a novelty and we could take more time with each other.

Turns out that never really came back, even with talking to him about it and wearing lingerie and creating role plays that should involve a lot of foreplay, it’s still much shorter than I want it to be. As often as not, sex is more or less over as soon as I start to get into it (if not before).

DP.. for me, sex wasn't the most important thing in a relationship, either. But, yea, I also thought it might get better, too. I thought it was just me. But it turns out, he's just not that great in bed; he even said so one night, after 10+ yrs of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [I]nstead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

One of my problems was that my wife wasn't an active participant in helping to figure out how to make sex an enjoyable experience. Initially she said she didn't know why she didn't want to have sex and then, when I pressed a little bit, she cited body image issues. She hates her body. Beyond telling and showing her that I like her body, that kind of shuts me out of the process. It's frustrating to have so little influence over my own sex life.

How do you feel about the body positivity or body neutrality movement? How do you feel about the fact that a woman’s value in society is so heavily based on how sexually attractive she is, and in particular how small her body is? How do you feel about the fact that women you know and love and care about are in that really cruel position?

In short, did you ever think about how she feels about her body beyond how it influences *your* sex life?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I heard of an older man who cheated knowing full well he would never leave his wife-- she made the money and she was a firm believer in wedding vows and wouldn't even let him go if it came down to it. So, he knew what he could get away with. They've been married for more than 25 years and she's full aware her husband is a cad but again, she's determined to stay married to him. So, why do men cheat? Because they know their wives and how much crap they'll take. As long as the wife isn't willing to toss him out and find someone new, as long as she's too afraid of the stigma of being unmarried (not that there is a stigma, really, it's all in her head), as long as she actually thinks losing the jerk is worse than death, men will cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I heard of an older man who cheated knowing full well he would never leave his wife-- she made the money and she was a firm believer in wedding vows and wouldn't even let him go if it came down to it. So, he knew what he could get away with. They've been married for more than 25 years and she's full aware her husband is a cad but again, she's determined to stay married to him. So, why do men cheat? Because they know their wives and how much crap they'll take. As long as the wife isn't willing to toss him out and find someone new, as long as she's too afraid of the stigma of being unmarried (not that there is a stigma, really, it's all in her head), as long as she actually thinks losing the jerk is worse than death, men will cheat.

Get real. She doesn’t want to pay him alimony and child support, just like a man when a SAHM cheats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I heard of an older man who cheated knowing full well he would never leave his wife-- she made the money and she was a firm believer in wedding vows and wouldn't even let him go if it came down to it. So, he knew what he could get away with. They've been married for more than 25 years and she's full aware her husband is a cad but again, she's determined to stay married to him. So, why do men cheat? Because they know their wives and how much crap they'll take. As long as the wife isn't willing to toss him out and find someone new, as long as she's too afraid of the stigma of being unmarried (not that there is a stigma, really, it's all in her head), as long as she actually thinks losing the jerk is worse than death, men will cheat.

Get real. She doesn’t want to pay him alimony and child support, just like a man when a SAHM cheats.

No children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [I]nstead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

One of my problems was that my wife wasn't an active participant in helping to figure out how to make sex an enjoyable experience. Initially she said she didn't know why she didn't want to have sex and then, when I pressed a little bit, she cited body image issues. She hates her body. Beyond telling and showing her that I like her body, that kind of shuts me out of the process. It's frustrating to have so little influence over my own sex life.

Does she have time to work out? I have some body image issues too and I feel better about myself when I have time and space to work out regularly. Last night I got back from a barre class at 6:30 (after working at my FT job all day) and was feeling pretty good… until I walked in the door and my kids asked what was for dinner while my DH played on his phone. My lady parts all but sealed themselves shut.

Oh yeah. She's run three full marathons and I don't know how many half-marathons over the last 10 years. It hasn't really helped her with what she regards as her weight problem, but running does make her feel better in general. Anyway, with all of the hours that kind of training entails, time to work out isn't an issue. (If I'm honest, I envy that about her schedule. My only work out options are at the ass end of the day, either really early or really late.)

I guess this is proof that everyone’s issues are individual.
It sounds like your marathon loving wife who cannot have sex because of body image issues needs some serious therapy.

She's just started. Maybe that will help the sex, maybe it won't. (I suspect not - it's a long process, and we're entering our 50s; so menopause and ED will probably overtake us faster than therapy will provide benefits.) But hopefully it makes her happier. Since she's started therapy, she's been a lot more open about how f**ked up diet culture and weight concerns have made her. I knew those things bothered her, but probably didn't appreciate how deeply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: [I]nstead of figuring out how sex can be an enjoyable experience for their wives, men interpret their wives’ experience in life as an affront to their manhood.

One of my problems was that my wife wasn't an active participant in helping to figure out how to make sex an enjoyable experience. Initially she said she didn't know why she didn't want to have sex and then, when I pressed a little bit, she cited body image issues. She hates her body. Beyond telling and showing her that I like her body, that kind of shuts me out of the process. It's frustrating to have so little influence over my own sex life.

How do you feel about the body positivity or body neutrality movement? How do you feel about the fact that a woman’s value in society is so heavily based on how sexually attractive she is, and in particular how small her body is? How do you feel about the fact that women you know and love and care about are in that really cruel position?

In short, did you ever think about how she feels about her body beyond how it influences *your* sex life?

I did, yes. Thanks for asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I heard of an older man who cheated knowing full well he would never leave his wife-- she made the money and she was a firm believer in wedding vows and wouldn't even let him go if it came down to it. So, he knew what he could get away with. They've been married for more than 25 years and she's full aware her husband is a cad but again, she's determined to stay married to him. So, why do men cheat? Because they know their wives and how much crap they'll take. As long as the wife isn't willing to toss him out and find someone new, as long as she's too afraid of the stigma of being unmarried (not that there is a stigma, really, it's all in her head), as long as she actually thinks losing the jerk is worse than death, men will cheat.

Get real. She doesn’t want to pay him alimony and child support, just like a man when a SAHM cheats.

This is why the cheating partner should not receive alimony. It puts the other spouse at risk and therefore negates the need to support the spouse.