Why Men Cheat - How Can I Break This Cycle?

[Anonymous]

Someone posted this article and it really hit home, particularly this passage:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

I have cheated on my wife 2x in short term affairs over our 18 year marriage. It really does seem to stem from her treating sex as a chore, an infrequent one at that, and no matter how many conversations I have, nothing changes. Is there a way to learn to accept this or does it always end in cheating? Any men out there that did therapy that helped?

[Anonymous]

Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

[Anonymous]

Try not being a critical, controlling d@ck. Then maybe she will like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

How do you know if you aren't good in bed if your wife won't give you suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I was like your wife for a bit. I don’t think my husband cheated, however, what helped is him stepping up more at home.

For example, the kids would screaming at each other in the play room while we were both in the living room with him on his phone and me straightening/cleaning. He would not move, but stay on the phone on the couch. I would get up, sit next to him and start looking at my phone too. Point made. I did this a few times and he began responding to the screaming children.

It was passive aggressive of me, but so is looking at your phone acting like you don’t have a care in the world while your children are in the next room fighting.

Make sure you are contributing and involved. Don’t check out.

[Anonymous]

Going to therapy and realizing you have anger issues and leaning into the household, pulling more weight can take the stress and resentment away so the sex and love can blossom again.

What doesn’t work are the superficial grand gestures, e.g., trips, fancy dinners, or love notes just when he wanted some. Being a prick day in and day out overrides all of those things. Be a nice person who doesn’t fly off the handle. Don’t be a hypocrite, nice outside of the home and an ass inside.

And, a woman’s body can sense infidelity even if she isn’t actively thinking about it. It’s nature’s defense mechanism. Her body senses different pheromones coming off you that repel her. Things that make her stiffen at your touch. So when you had these affairs her body shut down.

[Anonymous]

I really wish this post and the article hadn't framed the dynamic around cheating. Because: a) if you're married, you shouldn't cheat; and b) this dynamic causes dysfunction in marriage whether the husband cheats or not. Just posting this again because it's worth emphasizing:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

And these "just so" stories where good husbands get laid enthusiastically while bad husbands do not aren't especially helpful. Enough good husbands experience lackluster sex lives and enough bad husbands have sexually giving partners to make these stories inconsistent at best when compared to reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And, a woman’s body can sense infidelity even if she isn’t actively thinking about it. It’s nature’s defense mechanism. Her body senses different pheromones coming off you that repel her. Things that make her stiffen at your touch. So when you had these affairs her body shut down.

You sound like that politician who said "if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

[Anonymous]

Become a digisexual (see other thread).

[Anonymous]

I don't regard sex with my DH as a chore because:
- he is always kind to me and cares about my feelings
- he is an equal partner at home
- he doesn't belittle me or dismiss my concerns
- he is very giving and skilled in bed

My friends who don't want to have sex with their husbands- it's because their husbands are jerks to them. They don't want to divorce b.c they know the husbands will just dive into another relationship b.c they can't function as adults on their own--- and then they will lose what little help that they have at home. You know when their Husbands "babysit" the kids once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't regard sex with my DH as a chore because:
- he is always kind to me and cares about my feelings
- he is an equal partner at home
- he doesn't belittle me or dismiss my concerns
- he is very giving and skilled in bed

My friends who don't want to have sex with their husbands- it's because their husbands are jerks to them. They don't want to divorce b.c they know the husbands will just dive into another relationship b.c they can't function as adults on their own--- and then they will lose what little help that they have at home. You know when their Husbands "babysit" the kids once a month.

I'm sure that's some cases, but others -- based on threads people posted on here, and the DW has just lost her libido and drive. The DH is doing nothing wrong and everything right, but that's difficult to counteract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And, a woman’s body can sense infidelity even if she isn’t actively thinking about it. It’s nature’s defense mechanism. Her body senses different pheromones coming off you that repel her. Things that make her stiffen at your touch. So when you had these affairs her body shut down.

You sound like that politician who said "if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Not at all. She’s saying in a marriage the body can sense infidelity. Their body picks up on clues. People smell different, etc. and not like fish or strange perfume, even if they just showered.

[Anonymous]

If you have low self esteem, cheating is not the answer (if you have any character, that will only make you feel worse about yourself—let alone your family , if they found out).

Your value is not measured by mileage on your d*ck.

Please get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have low self esteem, cheating is not the answer (if you have any character, that will only make you feel worse about yourself—let alone your family , if they found out).

Your value is not measured by mileage on your d*ck.

Please get therapy.

You can't live in a society where individuals are constantly being told, in ways big and little, that attractiveness to the opposite sex is a significant indicator of value and then tell a person to get therapy when they happen to notice the connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

This. Husbands can let themselves go, never do anything romantic, and be lousy in bed. But then they get angry when we won’t fall down on our backs like they are sex gods.