Why Men Cheat - How Can I Break This Cycle?

[Anonymous]

I've been married for almost 20 yrs.

Sex was a chore when I was super tired, young kids + work, and I felt that DH was half-a$$ing childcare. Yes, there was some element of "Not doing xyz well enough". Some of it was my high expectations, but some of it was indeed his half a$$ing parenting. I was also very resentful of something that he would not listen to me about for years. Also, he isn't that great in bed.

Sex no longer became a chore when my stress level went down. He finally heard me about how I felt regarding that resentful situation. Also helps that the kids are much older. We had sex yesterday, in the middle of the day, with both kids at home. It is the first weekend in a long while where we had down time. Kids are teens and can occupy themselves. Much harder to do this when the kids are younger.

I don't know about OP's wife, but for me, it was a combo of stress + resentment + not that great in bed.

He's still not that great in bed, but I feel emotionally more connected to him now, so it's no longer a chore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

This. Husbands can let themselves go, never do anything romantic, and be lousy in bed. But then they get angry when we won’t fall down on our backs like they are sex gods.

Stop with this fantasy that good husbands are showered with sex and only bad husbands go wanting. Husbands can also be perfectly good people, not become hideous, treat their wife and family well, and still not be the object of their wife's sexual desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone posted this article and it really hit home, particularly this passage:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

I have cheated on my wife 2x in short term affairs over our 18 year marriage. It really does seem to stem from her treating sex as a chore, an infrequent one at that, and no matter how many conversations I have, nothing changes. Is there a way to learn to accept this or does it always end in cheating? Any men out there that did therapy that helped?

But….they are not good enough and are a disappointment. When I lose interest in sex with H, it’s because he’s more interested in his phone or watching sports than in engaging with the family and doing basic adult tasks. Most men act like teenage boys once they’re married, and most adult women are not sexually interested in teenage boys. When H starts acting like a husband and father, my drive comes back and is often higher than his.

Honestly, this makes me roll my eyes. Every woman I know has felt undervalued as a wife and person, and their husbands treat married and family life as a chore and lack all enthusiasm. Dudes should think about practicing what they preach, if they want enthusiasm and to feel valued, lead by example rather than nagging.

[Anonymous]

Like most men, sex is how I feel loved and connected. On one hand, I suppose I could go to therapy and try to change how I view sex and cope with a low sex marriage. On the other hand, it's sucks we pathologize a legit need for sex and touch that is otherwise seen as normal and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Projecting deficiencies onto your husband is certainly easier on the conscience than living with the fact that you're hurting a good husband because you're bored and your body craves novelty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

This. Husbands can let themselves go, never do anything romantic, and be lousy in bed. But then they get angry when we won’t fall down on our backs like they are sex gods.

Stop with this fantasy that good husbands are showered with sex and only bad husbands go wanting. Husbands can also be perfectly good people, not become hideous, treat their wife and family well, and still not be the object of their wife's sexual desire.

I don’t agree.

The common thread I have seen on DCUM is a husband wants to have more sex than his wife and so he wants his wife to change to accommodate that. How often are women told we can’t change men?

Here’s what worked for me, and the only thing I’ve seen work among my peers:

Make your marriage a place where your wife’s sexuality is treated as a family priority. Proper recovery after childbirth (this is where Everyone I Know who stopped sleeping with her husband has a common factor: Insufficient recovery support), enough rest— physical but also mental, no one wants to switch gears from planning all the summer camp to going down on their husband— dedicated time for exercise in a format that she finds enjoyable, vacations where she isn’t the cruise director and she is as much “on vacation” as everyone else, not squeezed into a house with 13 other people while FIL waits for her to wash dishes.

And here’s the thing— that might mean making changes. That might mean the husband says no to vacations with his parents or starts waking up early on Saturday to take the kids to swim lessons. That’s ok. It’s ok to make changes to support a lifestyle you want. But people like the OP want to keep everything the same and expect the wife to suddenly want sex with him, while he’s clearly not putting in the minimum if he has time for affairs.

— wife who has sex with her wife 2x week and 2x day on vacations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Projecting deficiencies onto your husband is certainly easier on the conscience than living with the fact that you're hurting a good husband because you're bored and your body craves novelty.

Maybe you need to really examine yourself for deficiencies first. Are you really a good husband? Or just doing the bare minimum and pouting about that like an overgrown teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone posted this article and it really hit home, particularly this passage:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

I have cheated on my wife 2x in short term affairs over our 18 year marriage. It really does seem to stem from her treating sex as a chore, an infrequent one at that, and no matter how many conversations I have, nothing changes. Is there a way to learn to accept this or does it always end in cheating? Any men out there that did therapy that helped?

“I’m cheating on my wife but I’m pretty sure it’s her fault right?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever thought about whether you should make yourself more attractive, better in bed etc. so she didn't feel that way? Sometimes it's the wife but you should make sure it's not you. Also, cheating is unforgivable, good luck living with yourself

--wife who doesn't treat sex as a chore

This. Husbands can let themselves go, never do anything romantic, and be lousy in bed. But then they get angry when we won’t fall down on our backs like they are sex gods.

Stop with this fantasy that good husbands are showered with sex and only bad husbands go wanting. Husbands can also be perfectly good people, not become hideous, treat their wife and family well, and still not be the object of their wife's sexual desire.

I don’t agree.

The common thread I have seen on DCUM is a husband wants to have more sex than his wife and so he wants his wife to change to accommodate that. How often are women told we can’t change men?

Here’s what worked for me, and the only thing I’ve seen work among my peers:

Make your marriage a place where your wife’s sexuality is treated as a family priority. Proper recovery after childbirth (this is where Everyone I Know who stopped sleeping with her husband has a common factor: Insufficient recovery support), enough rest— physical but also mental, no one wants to switch gears from planning all the summer camp to going down on their husband— dedicated time for exercise in a format that she finds enjoyable, vacations where she isn’t the cruise director and she is as much “on vacation” as everyone else, not squeezed into a house with 13 other people while FIL waits for her to wash dishes.

And here’s the thing— that might mean making changes. That might mean the husband says no to vacations with his parents or starts waking up early on Saturday to take the kids to swim lessons. That’s ok. It’s ok to make changes to support a lifestyle you want. But people like the OP want to keep everything the same and expect the wife to suddenly want sex with him, while he’s clearly not putting in the minimum if he has time for affairs.

— wife who has sex with her wife 2x week and 2x day on vacations

Husband, not wife, what a weird autocorrect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Projecting deficiencies onto your husband is certainly easier on the conscience than living with the fact that you're hurting a good husband because you're bored and your body craves novelty.

Sorry, if a woman is in love with a man who treats her well and with respect, her body does not crave novelty. That is just not a thing when you have a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Love and marriage can last forever. But sexual desire does not. IMHO. Not that super hot hunger.

For some people the benefits of marriage are worth it. You have to decide what’s important to YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone posted this article and it really hit home, particularly this passage:

"To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person."

https://www.marieclaire.com.au/why-do-men-cheat

I have cheated on my wife 2x in short term affairs over our 18 year marriage. It really does seem to stem from her treating sex as a chore, an infrequent one at that, and no matter how many conversations I have, nothing changes. Is there a way to learn to accept this or does it always end in cheating? Any men out there that did therapy that helped?

“I’m cheating on my wife but I’m pretty sure it’s her fault right?”

I mean, it kinda is.

- DW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Projecting deficiencies onto your husband is certainly easier on the conscience than living with the fact that you're hurting a good husband because you're bored and your body craves novelty.

Sorry, if a woman is in love with a man who treats her well and with respect, her body does not crave novelty. That is just not a thing when you have a good partner.

You must be young. Under 50? Married less than 20 years?

[Anonymous]

You cheating on your wife is your fault, not hers. Her only mistake is being married to an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Projecting deficiencies onto your husband is certainly easier on the conscience than living with the fact that you're hurting a good husband because you're bored and your body craves novelty.

Sorry, if a woman is in love with a man who treats her well and with respect, her body does not crave novelty. That is just not a thing when you have a good partner.

You must be young. Under 50? Married less than 20 years?

Actually, I’m 60, married more than 30 years to the same man and we have a great sex life.

A woman with a good and reliable partner does not crave novelty. There is nothing better for a woman’s sex drive than feeling loved by the person she loves.