On a scale of 0-10, how angry would you be

[Anonymous]

He was remorseful and he's on top of things 90% of the time? I wouldn't be as mad as you are. You can expect perfection op. I'm a woman and I do a lot, but I sure as heck am not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH is overall not a jerk and he was remorseful in this situation, but I don’t want remorse; obviously I want a spouse I can 100% depend on. When this happens, he usually stays on top of things for the next couple weeks then falls off again.

He usually handles pickup and I do dropoff since his job starts and ends early. He argues that since he’s 90% dependable, I should give him a break the other 10% of the time. We have tried therapy (three times over the years!) but I still find myself resentful and frustrated and unable to completely trust him. And now I’m just kind of sad.

I feel like if you're working on a purely statistical model, he had a sound argument, but this is high stakes - assume your kid is at childcare 300 days a year - at that rate you're going to be running out of the house with your hair on fire 30 days a year. That's insane.

There’s no way he has forgotten that many times or they’d be paying insane amounts in penalties. Our day care escalates the late fees significantly for repeat offenses. OP is grossly exaggerating.

PP poster here -- I'm taking his own justification for a walk, it's not a valid justification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being livid isn't going to solve your issue.

If he has a job where meeting can happen at any moment and he'd not at liberty to leave he should not be responsible for pickup up.

Options are you hire an on call sitter and it's his responsibility to text/ call that person if he's pulled into a meeting.


Or you hire a sitter to always do pickup. For me it would be option B and he doesn't get to day no.

what makes you think he'll remember to call that person?

Which is why I said they should go with option B. Read, and comprehend before being an asshole

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH is overall not a jerk and he was remorseful in this situation, but I don’t want remorse; obviously I want a spouse I can 100% depend on. When this happens, he usually stays on top of things for the next couple weeks then falls off again.

He usually handles pickup and I do dropoff since his job starts and ends early. He argues that since he’s 90% dependable, I should give him a break the other 10% of the time. We have tried therapy (three times over the years!) but I still find myself resentful and frustrated and unable to completely trust him. And now I’m just kind of sad.

I think you are both right.

He is right that he is reliable 90% of the time. Where he stops being right is that the 10% is excusable and/or your problem to fix. My husband is 90% reliable to take our trash and recycling out to the curb the night before they pick it up. The 10% of the time he doesn't do that, he either has to haul ass to the curb at 6am when he hears the trucks and hope he makes it, or he has to manage the backlog of trash and recycling over the week. One way or another, it is not MY problem to deal with.

I think to an extent, you are extrapolating conclusions about his overall trustworthiness that may or may not be appropriate. I don't know that anyone can depend on anyone else 100% all the time. Sometimes people flake. I think the issue here is that your husband knows that this is an issue, pickup is at the same time every day, he is primarily in charge of it anyway, and he still made it your problem. He needs to be the one setting up the systems to remind him. That's what the problem is here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was remorseful and he's on top of things 90% of the time? I wouldn't be as mad as you are. You can expect perfection op. I'm a woman and I do a lot, but I sure as heck am not perfect.

It also sounds like he’s routinely doing pickups. He’s getting it right most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men need to read this thread before getting married or having children.

Agree. It’s important they understand the responsibility of being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH is overall not a jerk and he was remorseful in this situation, but I don’t want remorse; obviously I want a spouse I can 100% depend on. When this happens, he usually stays on top of things for the next couple weeks then falls off again.

He usually handles pickup and I do dropoff since his job starts and ends early. He argues that since he’s 90% dependable, I should give him a break the other 10% of the time. We have tried therapy (three times over the years!) but I still find myself resentful and frustrated and unable to completely trust him. And now I’m just kind of sad.

90% dependable!?!?

That’s sad. Does he intend to saw that ever time there is a un taken car of bill or email, a late kid, lost gear, missed appointments, unseen dangerous accidents?

I hope to gawd he can make more money to fund a housekeeper and nanny to make up for his shortcomings. And you my dear are doing to have to be the driver driver for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

OP here, thankfully child is old enough to get out of a car. But the first few years, I was a nervous wreck every time thry were in the car on a hot day without me.

And it’s funny that you correctly assumed spouse is a “he.” Of course he’s a he.

Why do you say "of course?"

DCUM rule - all men are stupid, lazy, and irresponsible.

Hit a nerve?

Not all men, PP. But if you tell me a story like OP did, with a parent “forgetting” to pick up their own child from child care, despite clearly needing multiple reminders, the safe bet is that the dysfunctional parent is a male.

+1 A friend actually had to put up multiple post it notes all over the house to remind the H about kid's activities, appointments, what was needed for school. She was on a business trip. Needless to say, he still managed to drop the ball.

These types can be really good at TUnING OuT signs and lists and calendars.

They’re often dangerous drivers too since they have zero multitasking skills and no situational awareness or foresite into other drivers driving or intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

Aftercare was calling mom because it was closing. Not really an option in this scenario.

Again, natural consequences— especially the ones that simultaneously shaft the kid - only work with mature, coachable neurotypical kids or people.

OP’s spouse had an attention and/or hyperactivity disorder he needs to manage better, as well as priority and planning issues, as well as communication issues. He also must be either s total tool at work that he can manage to leave before 5pm once or just so very very important and in a very very important role at a a very very important meeting that he couldn’t pick up his own kid or find a solution.

oh ffs.. he doesn't have ADHD. What he has is "selfish dad syndrome".

He said he was in a meeting, as in, he knew, but the meeting was more important. Unless the meeting was a national security issue or life/death issue, he could've left. We have dads on our team, and they have a hard stop to pickup their kids. No one bats an eye.

Yes. We all know that. He seems to not.

[Anonymous]

Why are you rescuing him, OP? Just stop. Let him deal with it. Let daycare call him.

[Anonymous]

Charge him the $5 a minute late pick up fee.

Put it in your future therapy bill bank. Living with a flake and having to be vigilant for the 10% if the time he cannot or will not do what he agreed to do sounds krappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

Aftercare was calling mom because it was closing. Not really an option in this scenario.

Again, natural consequences— especially the ones that simultaneously shaft the kid - only work with mature, coachable neurotypical kids or people.

OP’s spouse had an attention and/or hyperactivity disorder he needs to manage better, as well as priority and planning issues, as well as communication issues. He also must be either s total tool at work that he can manage to leave before 5pm once or just so very very important and in a very very important role at a a very very important meeting that he couldn’t pick up his own kid or find a solution.

oh ffs.. he doesn't have ADHD. What he has is "selfish dad syndrome".

He said he was in a meeting, as in, he knew, but the meeting was more important. Unless the meeting was a national security issue or life/death issue, he could've left. We have dads on our team, and they have a hard stop to pickup their kids. No one bats an eye.

FWIW, my whole life I beat myself up and thought I was a mess of a human until I was finally diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I'm sure my parents thought I was selfish and lazy and friends and boyfriends also had some awful thoughts and judgments about me. I have a high IQ and I try hard as hell but I mess up sometimes. You have no idea what OP's DH's situation is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Charge him the $5 a minute late pick up fee.

Put it in your future therapy bill bank. Living with a flake and having to be vigilant for the 10% if the time he cannot or will not do what he agreed to do sounds krappy.

Good luck with that. He’ll laugh in your face.

[Anonymous]

He needs to manage his symptoms then.