On a scale of 0-10, how angry would you be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

Aftercare was calling mom because it was closing. Not really an option in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

OP again. DH is overall not a jerk and he was remorseful in this situation, but I don’t want remorse; obviously I want a spouse I can 100% depend on. When this happens, he usually stays on top of things for the next couple weeks then falls off again.

He usually handles pickup and I do dropoff since his job starts and ends early. He argues that since he’s 90% dependable, I should give him a break the other 10% of the time. We have tried therapy (three times over the years!) but I still find myself resentful and frustrated and unable to completely trust him. And now I’m just kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

Aftercare was calling mom because it was closing. Not really an option in this scenario.

+1 there are certain things that you can't just follow the "natural consequences" strategy.. this would be one.

I would be livid.. soooo livid. My DH forgot to pick me up one time (we were carpooling to work). 45min late when he finally realized. Yes, I called him on his phone.. he had it on silent. At least I'm an adult and can deal with late pickups. A child at a care center cannot. I would be sooo livid. I couldn't even. I would give him another chance, and if he did it again, oh boy.. I don't know. There would be some serious discussions to be had.

He clearly already is clueless about chlidcare since he thought it was fine to be late as his meeting was so important.

I have stated this many times on here.... most men should not have children. They cannot handle the responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

Aftercare was calling mom because it was closing. Not really an option in this scenario.

Again, natural consequences— especially the ones that simultaneously shaft the kid - only work with mature, coachable neurotypical kids or people.

OP’s spouse had an attention and/or hyperactivity disorder he needs to manage better, as well as priority and planning issues, as well as communication issues. He also must be either s total tool at work that he can manage to leave before 5pm once or just so very very important and in a very very important role at a a very very important meeting that he couldn’t pick up his own kid or find a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

OP here, thankfully child is old enough to get out of a car. But the first few years, I was a nervous wreck every time thry were in the car on a hot day without me.

And it’s funny that you correctly assumed spouse is a “he.” Of course he’s a he.

Why do you say "of course?"

DCUM rule - all men are stupid, lazy, and irresponsible.

Hit a nerve?

Not all men, PP. But if you tell me a story like OP did, with a parent “forgetting” to pick up their own child from child care, despite clearly needing multiple reminders, the safe bet is that the dysfunctional parent is a male.

+1 A friend actually had to put up multiple post it notes all over the house to remind the H about kid's activities, appointments, what was needed for school. She was on a business trip. Needless to say, he still managed to drop the ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

Aftercare was calling mom because it was closing. Not really an option in this scenario.

Again, natural consequences— especially the ones that simultaneously shaft the kid - only work with mature, coachable neurotypical kids or people.

OP’s spouse had an attention and/or hyperactivity disorder he needs to manage better, as well as priority and planning issues, as well as communication issues. He also must be either s total tool at work that he can manage to leave before 5pm once or just so very very important and in a very very important role at a a very very important meeting that he couldn’t pick up his own kid or find a solution.

oh ffs.. he doesn't have ADHD. What he has is "selfish dad syndrome".

He said he was in a meeting, as in, he knew, but the meeting was more important. Unless the meeting was a national security issue or life/death issue, he could've left. We have dads on our team, and they have a hard stop to pickup their kids. No one bats an eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH is overall not a jerk and he was remorseful in this situation, but I don’t want remorse; obviously I want a spouse I can 100% depend on. When this happens, he usually stays on top of things for the next couple weeks then falls off again.

He usually handles pickup and I do dropoff since his job starts and ends early. He argues that since he’s 90% dependable, I should give him a break the other 10% of the time. We have tried therapy (three times over the years!) but I still find myself resentful and frustrated and unable to completely trust him. And now I’m just kind of sad.

I feel like if you're working on a purely statistical model, he had a sound argument, but this is high stakes - assume your kid is at childcare 300 days a year - at that rate you're going to be running out of the house with your hair on fire 30 days a year. That's insane.

[Anonymous]

Being livid isn't going to solve your issue.

If he has a job where meeting can happen at any moment and he'd not at liberty to leave he should not be responsible for pickup up.

Options are you hire an on call sitter and it's his responsibility to text/ call that person if he's pulled into a meeting.


Or you hire a sitter to always do pickup. For me it would be option B and he doesn't get to day no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH is overall not a jerk and he was remorseful in this situation, but I don’t want remorse; obviously I want a spouse I can 100% depend on. When this happens, he usually stays on top of things for the next couple weeks then falls off again.

He usually handles pickup and I do dropoff since his job starts and ends early. He argues that since he’s 90% dependable, I should give him a break the other 10% of the time. We have tried therapy (three times over the years!) but I still find myself resentful and frustrated and unable to completely trust him. And now I’m just kind of sad.

I feel like if you're working on a purely statistical model, he had a sound argument, but this is high stakes - assume your kid is at childcare 300 days a year - at that rate you're going to be running out of the house with your hair on fire 30 days a year. That's insane.

I mean, sure, we all have parenting fails, but if you frame it as "90% of the time the kid didn't break a bone or get hurt even though I wasn't paying attention", well those aren't really great odds for this type of thing.

It also means that OP can never really depend on him as a partner. Sounds like OP is already micromanaging her H. What else can she do? The only thing left is for her to do everything because she can't trust him. That's like being a single parent, and you will lose respect for your H.

I recall a discussion about some people being perpetually late, and those people said that it was due to their ADHD. I pointed out that if something is truly important, like an interview, they would figure out a way to get there on time, and they said yes, because it's really important and they have reminders everywhere.

If I apply that to this situation, this tells me that the kid is not that important to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being livid isn't going to solve your issue.

If he has a job where meeting can happen at any moment and he'd not at liberty to leave he should not be responsible for pickup up.

Options are you hire an on call sitter and it's his responsibility to text/ call that person if he's pulled into a meeting.


Or you hire a sitter to always do pickup. For me it would be option B and he doesn't get to day no.

what makes you think he'll remember to call that person?

[Anonymous]

; obviously I want a spouse I can 100% depend on.

Are you 100% perfect? You never drop the ball ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. DH is overall not a jerk and he was remorseful in this situation, but I don’t want remorse; obviously I want a spouse I can 100% depend on. When this happens, he usually stays on top of things for the next couple weeks then falls off again.

He usually handles pickup and I do dropoff since his job starts and ends early. He argues that since he’s 90% dependable, I should give him a break the other 10% of the time. We have tried therapy (three times over the years!) but I still find myself resentful and frustrated and unable to completely trust him. And now I’m just kind of sad.

I feel like if you're working on a purely statistical model, he had a sound argument, but this is high stakes - assume your kid is at childcare 300 days a year - at that rate you're going to be running out of the house with your hair on fire 30 days a year. That's insane.

There’s no way he has forgotten that many times or they’d be paying insane amounts in penalties. Our day care escalates the late fees significantly for repeat offenses. OP is grossly exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

Men need to read this thread before getting married or having children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is never an issue with one dedicated stay at home parent, two careers are just harder to juggle.

SAH parents have doctor’s appointments or get sick or injured or get a flat tire or get stuck in traffic or need to run an errand that takes them far from home, such as helping an elderly parent. Even dedicated SAH parents can’t do 100% of pickups.

[Anonymous]

Is he really remorseful? He keeps allowing or deliberately choosing for this to happen.

He needs to take the time to come up with multiple solutions to make sure this never happens again.