How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not allow this. Her choice at age 18.

Normally I’d agree, but the point here is that her friend won’t make it to 15. It’s something they wanted to do together, as a symbolic gesture of friendship that might help them both deal with the pain and sadness.

A posthumous memorial in three years won’t have the same impact.

After 8 pages in this thread, how are people still talking about tattoos being trashy? You have completely missed the point. A teen is facing the loss of a friend and trying to honor the friendship before the other child passes. This is not about a tattoo. It’s about grief and honor and self respect. Of course she should get the tattoo. Guiding them to choose something meaningful yet simple is easy. The surviving friend will always be proud of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not allow this. Her choice at age 18.

Normally I’d agree, but the point here is that her friend won’t make it to 15. It’s something they wanted to do together, as a symbolic gesture of friendship that might help them both deal with the pain and sadness.

A posthumous memorial in three years won’t have the same impact.

After 8 pages in this thread, how are people still talking about tattoos being trashy? You have completely missed the point. A teen is facing the loss of a friend and trying to honor the friendship before the other child passes. This is not about a tattoo. It’s about grief and honor and self respect. Of course she should get the tattoo. Guiding them to choose something meaningful yet simple is easy. The surviving friend will always be proud of it.

You don't get to be the arbiter of what people think is trashy. Many many people find tattoos trashy.

I would not allow it OP. I'm very sympathetic but the tattoo changes nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a DCUM wake up moment. We literally have to be one of the last metropolitans and areas of the country where tattoos are shunned. Literally go to the west coast. Entire people covered in tats. By the time your daughter is a professional, DC will be the same. Lots of people have tats (covered) in this town and more will have them uncovered.

I live in Toronto. I don't have any tats and don't like most of them, but they are more common than not. Even partners at the fanciest law firms have them. No one tries to hide them, and no one judges.

They don't judge out loud. I know several co-workers who have wrist tattoos and you bet I silently judge them, especially when the tattoo says something trite like "faith" or "breathe."

Why are you assuming everyone thinks the way you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not allow this. Her choice at age 18.

Normally I’d agree, but the point here is that her friend won’t make it to 15. It’s something they wanted to do together, as a symbolic gesture of friendship that might help them both deal with the pain and sadness.

A posthumous memorial in three years won’t have the same impact.

After 8 pages in this thread, how are people still talking about tattoos being trashy? You have completely missed the point. A teen is facing the loss of a friend and trying to honor the friendship before the other child passes. This is not about a tattoo. It’s about grief and honor and self respect. Of course she should get the tattoo. Guiding them to choose something meaningful yet simple is easy. The surviving friend will always be proud of it.

Is this the post you meant to quote?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't allow it. I agree that a professional photo shoot or something like that is more appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't allow it. I agree that a professional photo shoot or something like that is more appropriate.

Same. I would never allow a 15 year old to make this decision. I like the photo shoot idea, jewelry or other ways to memorialize this friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a DCUM wake up moment. We literally have to be one of the last metropolitans and areas of the country where tattoos are shunned. Literally go to the west coast. Entire people covered in tats. By the time your daughter is a professional, DC will be the same. Lots of people have tats (covered) in this town and more will have them uncovered.

I live in Toronto. I don't have any tats and don't like most of them, but they are more common than not. Even partners at the fanciest law firms have them. No one tries to hide them, and no one judges.

They don't judge out loud. I know several co-workers who have wrist tattoos and you bet I silently judge them, especially when the tattoo says something trite like "faith" or "breathe."

Why are you assuming everyone thinks the way you do?

Not assuming anything. The previous PP said that "no one judges" -- I was just pointing out that that's not always the case. And I agree taht my opinion is not important, but don't fool yourselves and think that no one notices or thinks your tattoo(s) aren't ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I don't like tattoos but I would allow something discreet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This girl has been very close to my daughter for a few years but she's had recurring cancer and it recently came back in a very severe form and it's bad enough they aren't going to fight and just try to make her comfortable.

My daughter and her friend recently came to their parents and asked about going to a reputable artist and getting some designs done up, her parents are alright with the idea but I'm hesitant about this it seems insane to allow a tattoo at 15 years old but also the right thing to do.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

If tattoos are really a no-go for the parents in this situation, perhaps consider getting a piece of “permanent” jewelry. A jeweler could weld shut a bracelet, necklace or anklet.

[Anonymous]

Honestly a discreet tattoo would really be fine. It’s a different age. No - a face tattoo or a big tattoo on your back is out. But, something small and meaningful would be fine. Ankle, underside of wrist, inside of a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't allow it. I agree that a professional photo shoot or something like that is more appropriate.

Same. I would never allow a 15 year old to make this decision. I like the photo shoot idea, jewelry or other ways to memorialize this friendship.

But what YOU like isn’t what is meaningful for the kids. Part of adolescence is making your own choices and part of our job as parents is to allow them the freedom to do so. To appreciate that they are becoming independent people with feelings, likes, and desires that may doffer from our own. A small tattoo, while permanent isn’t in any way a life altering thing. The girls have told the OP what would be meaningful to THEM, she old enough to walk through this with her friend, she’s old enough to decide how to memorialize their relationship. Telling her that she may feel differently about this in the future will make her feel as if you don’t understand and respect her feelings. You can’t keep her from being hurt or sad but you can help her find the other side of this with her soul in tact and your relationship with her in tact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't allow it. I agree that a professional photo shoot or something like that is more appropriate.

Same. I would never allow a 15 year old to make this decision. I like the photo shoot idea, jewelry or other ways to memorialize this friendship.

But what YOU like isn’t what is meaningful for the kids. Part of adolescence is making your own choices and part of our job as parents is to allow them the freedom to do so. To appreciate that they are becoming independent people with feelings, likes, and desires that may doffer from our own. A small tattoo, while permanent isn’t in any way a life altering thing. The girls have told the OP what would be meaningful to THEM, she old enough to walk through this with her friend, she’s old enough to decide how to memorialize their relationship. Telling her that she may feel differently about this in the future will make her feel as if you don’t understand and respect her feelings. You can’t keep her from being hurt or sad but you can help her find the other side of this with her soul in tact and your relationship with her in tact.

oh get real - I have looked back at pictures of when I was 15 and wonder why the heck my mother didn’t tell me my makeup looked awful or why she let me some outfits bc I looked really silly. 15 yr olds don’t have the best judgement bc they are 15 and not adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s pretty interesting how the people saying they wouldn’t allow this are basing that answer on their belief that the teens are not mature enough to understand the consequences/might change their minds/might be triggering.

If you are among those saying you would not allow this, please spell out exactly how you would explain that answer to the teens in question, specifically the one with the terminal illness. It’s pretty easy to say, “I’d never allow this” but I suspect many of y’all would be a lot less strident in the face of the actual situation being described.

And to the people who are saying that a small tattoo with dates is “disfigurement” I wonder if you are always so hyperbolic. Also that you and your kids don’t have pierced ears.

I'm on the fence and have not yet responded. I take issue with your premise that I owe an explanation to child with the terminal illness. I would still have to consider my child here.

I didn’t say you owe anyone an explanation, but you’re dreaming if you think this is a situation where you can just say “no” and have that be the end of it. The OP’s daughter is certainly not going to let it go. I guess you could just wait until her friend dies to avoid THAT conversation, but there is no way out of this situation that doesn’t involve having to provide a difficult and hurtful answer to a teenager whose good friend is dying. If a tiny tattoo is worth the hurt that denying this will cause, go for it, but it doesn’t give you some kind of great parent award.

dp Nobody is doing parenting for an award, pp. I also would be against getting the tattoo. I have to parent my child, not the other child, sorry. If it was my dd I would have her get it when she was 18 and quite possibly with her own money. It is very sad but, a tattoo is not the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't allow it. I agree that a professional photo shoot or something like that is more appropriate.

Same. I would never allow a 15 year old to make this decision. I like the photo shoot idea, jewelry or other ways to memorialize this friendship.

But what YOU like isn’t what is meaningful for the kids. Part of adolescence is making your own choices and part of our job as parents is to allow them the freedom to do so. To appreciate that they are becoming independent people with feelings, likes, and desires that may doffer from our own. A small tattoo, while permanent isn’t in any way a life altering thing. The girls have told the OP what would be meaningful to THEM, she old enough to walk through this with her friend, she’s old enough to decide how to memorialize their relationship. Telling her that she may feel differently about this in the future will make her feel as if you don’t understand and respect her feelings. You can’t keep her from being hurt or sad but you can help her find the other side of this with her soul in tact and your relationship with her in tact.

oh get real - I have looked back at pictures of when I was 15 and wonder why the heck my mother didn’t tell me my makeup looked awful or why she let me some outfits bc I looked really silly. 15 yr olds don’t have the best judgement bc they are 15 and not adults

Her close friend is dying. That’s not a silly outfit or a stupid hairdo. It’s a painful tragedy that could be a defining moment in her emotional development. Stop acting like a 15 year old isn’t a cognizant human being who can make her own choices about important personal issues.