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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.[/quote]

[b]Why would you prefer the message came from your son?  How would that make it easier to hear?[/b][/quote]

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…) [/quote]

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks.  Is it an odd situation to begin with?  Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long.  Does she need to accept it?  Of course.  But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it?  Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it.  So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws.  "Tell your DH to tell her...."  "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..."  etc.[/quote]

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

[b]People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary.[/b] Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.[/quote]

Re the bolded:  how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted?  This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family.  For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful.  To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful.  IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong.  This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son.  Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it.  It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health.  I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that.  I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.  [/quote]

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?[/quote]

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise.  I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...[/quote]

I think by the MIL expressing her uneasiness about no screen time while they are away and telling him that she would like to check in a couple of times a week is manipulation.  This isn't expressing her feelings, it is placing guilt on her son about not having contact.  He will go away knowing that she is unhappy.  He will go away knowing that for two weeks she will be uneasy and hurt.  Where does that leave him, go against the wife who needs to unplug with him?  Go behind her back and call mom anyway?  Or spend moments in his holiday worrying.

Wouldn't it be kinder of OP to deal with her adult emotions herself rather than kneeling on her son to help her with her emotions and let them go guilt free to enjoy their vacation.  I see it as being selfish to not simply say 'have a great time, see you in two weeks, can't wait to hear all about it'. Then OP can go cry for two weeks if she wants. To place her needs above others in a situation as simple as this speaks volumes.  No one is sick, no one is injured, it is simply two weeks.  A vacation, something to be happy about.

At what point do you acknowledge your own flaws if you can't deal with your own emotions as an adult.

Others have said what is the problem with her talking to her son.  The problem is that in a relationship like this one the closeness comes with a ton of guilt and manipulation.  The son likely cannot speak up for himself, he likely doesn't have a back bone.  There are no problems with other family and friends not talking to them for two weeks, that is normal relationship behaviour to be able to put a boundary in place if you need it and have that boundary respected.  Its not normal to push against the boundary and not respect the other person.

I will go so far as to say this MIL won't have to worry about, I would bet her son will call her at some point.  The DIL will eventually lose attraction for him and will eventually be repulsed by him.  One day he will come to DCUM about his sexless marriage and how his wife is distracted and shut off in the marriage and how she no longer wants to vacation with him.  These situations are so predictable.

It's lovely to have a good mother/son relationship but this is not that.  This is enmeshment.  This mother cannot go a day without speaking personally to her son, no matter what is happening in HIS life.  That is not healthy.  It is not close, it is actually controlling and harmful to the son.  He should be able to speak up to his mother, the message should have been able to come from him, the fact that he couldn't do it says a lot.[/quote]

PP here and I agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence.  In some sense, it is he point I have been trying to make.

But it is at odds with your first paragraph, which to me seems to be saying that he should not be accountable to, or feel the impacts of, his own actions. Assuming it was his own choice, or a choice made jointly, he should have no problem explaining it to the person who is impacted- and to be able to hear that impact.[/quote]

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