Going no screens on a vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Also what is there for MIL to be hurt about? DIL made it clear they aren't going screen free just from MIL but from everyone including DIL's side of the family so it isn't personal. A mother shouldn't be worried about her grown married son being on vacation assuming like we said there aren't major health issues here at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

Have trepidations about what? Her grown son putting his wife's wants above his mom's. Again if her DIL expressed that's what she wants shouldn't that be good enough for the MIL? She said it's no screens for everyone she didn't say just you MIL don't call. This is a perfectly natural and normal thing that married couples do is to go away and unplug. By contacting son about it it's basically saying the boundary your wife set isn't good enough for me and I her feelings don't matter just yours. DIL's feelings should matter to the MIL as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Also what is there for MIL to be hurt about? DIL made it clear they aren't going screen free just from MIL but from everyone including DIL's side of the family so it isn't personal. A mother shouldn't be worried about her grown married son being on vacation assuming like we said there aren't major health issues here at play.

PP here and objectively I agree with the bolded. But the thing is, their relationship is already....different (word choice attempting to avoid value judgment.) It is clear that this move shakes something foundational in that relationship. Which is exactly why the two of them should be able to talk candidly with eachother about it. If the son has come to realize that the relationship needs to change, he should say that. If the son is concerned about issues in his marriage, perhaps caused or exacerbated by his relationship with his mother, he should say that. If the son actually would really prefer to check in with his mom twice while on vacation and he feels bullied by his wife, well he should say that too. He is an independent person with agency and need to be honest with both women in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

Have trepidations about what? Her grown son putting his wife's wants above his mom's. Again if her DIL expressed that's what she wants shouldn't that be good enough for the MIL? She said it's no screens for everyone she didn't say just you MIL don't call. This is a perfectly natural and normal thing that married couples do is to go away and unplug. By contacting son about it it's basically saying the boundary your wife set isn't good enough for me and I her feelings don't matter just yours. DIL's feelings should matter to the MIL as well.

Also wanted to add what feelings are we talking about being expressed here? That your boundary and no screen is upsetting to me? Isn't that in a sense manipulating son/DIL into feeling guilty about MIL's feelings here and in a sense trying to get them to change what they agreed on to suit MIL's needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Also what is there for MIL to be hurt about? DIL made it clear they aren't going screen free just from MIL but from everyone including DIL's side of the family so it isn't personal. A mother shouldn't be worried about her grown married son being on vacation assuming like we said there aren't major health issues here at play.

PP here and objectively I agree with the bolded. But the thing is, their relationship is already....different (word choice attempting to avoid value judgment.) It is clear that this move shakes something foundational in that relationship. Which is exactly why the two of them should be able to talk candidly with eachother about it. If the son has come to realize that the relationship needs to change, he should say that. If the son is concerned about issues in his marriage, perhaps caused or exacerbated by his relationship with his mother, he should say that. If the son actually would really prefer to check in with his mom twice while on vacation and he feels bullied by his wife, well he should say that too. He is an independent person with agency and need to be honest with both women in his life.

If I wanted my husband and I to unplug for a 2 week vacation and assuming my MIL is healthy with no major health issues that require a check in and my husband wouldn't go 2 weeks because he had to talk to mommy I would question that and probably send us to marriage counseling to discuss why he is so enmeshed with his mom. If I'm willing to go no screen with all my family and friends then why can't he?

No I disagree completely that the son should get mom involved in his marriage if they are having issues. What good will that do? That will cause drama and stir the pot because of course it being her son and the fact she is clearly close to him and talks everyday will cause her to pry for more info and she won't be a biased party being that she is his mother. As a wife I would be very unhappy if my husband went behind my back to talk about marriage issues we have or to tell his mom he felt bullied by me. What are we 4 where husband needs to run to mommy and say his wife is being mean to him?

That's why I would seek counsel where we could have an unbiased party. It is a terrible terrible idea to advise someone to tell their family members about their marriage issues. Family is the most biased party there is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

Have trepidations about what? Her grown son putting his wife's wants above his mom's. Again if her DIL expressed that's what she wants shouldn't that be good enough for the MIL? She said it's no screens for everyone she didn't say just you MIL don't call. This is a perfectly natural and normal thing that married couples do is to go away and unplug. By contacting son about it it's basically saying the boundary your wife set isn't good enough for me and I her feelings don't matter just yours. DIL's feelings should matter to the MIL as well.

Also wanted to add what feelings are we talking about being expressed here? That your boundary and no screen is upsetting to me? Isn't that in a sense manipulating son/DIL into feeling guilty about MIL's feelings here and in a sense trying to get them to change what they agreed on to suit MIL's needs?

I think the bolded is the part I am probing. A "third party" to the mother/son relationship told the mother something that dramatically affected what is the norm in that relationship. If the son agrees--particularly if he agrees with the no screen rule BECAUSE DW is concerned about the mother/son relationship, he should have no problem saying so. And in fact, that would be more honest AND effective than letting the wife speak for him. And to the second bolded, by that logic, BOTH women's feelings should matter to the son. He should have no problem hearing from his mother (he certainly heard from his wife) and make the right call.

And the "feelings" being talked about, yes, it would be indicating that the no contact relayed by the DW is "upsetting." That *for whatever reason* OP would be nervous and uncomfortable. Expressing feelings is not manipulation. Expressing nongenuine feelings, or the same feeling repeatedly, is the manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Also what is there for MIL to be hurt about? DIL made it clear they aren't going screen free just from MIL but from everyone including DIL's side of the family so it isn't personal. A mother shouldn't be worried about her grown married son being on vacation assuming like we said there aren't major health issues here at play.

PP here and objectively I agree with the bolded. But the thing is, their relationship is already....different (word choice attempting to avoid value judgment.) It is clear that this move shakes something foundational in that relationship. Which is exactly why the two of them should be able to talk candidly with eachother about it. If the son has come to realize that the relationship needs to change, he should say that. If the son is concerned about issues in his marriage, perhaps caused or exacerbated by his relationship with his mother, he should say that. If the son actually would really prefer to check in with his mom twice while on vacation and he feels bullied by his wife, well he should say that too. He is an independent person with agency and need to be honest with both women in his life.

If I wanted my husband and I to unplug for a 2 week vacation and assuming my MIL is healthy with no major health issues that require a check in and my husband wouldn't go 2 weeks because he had to talk to mommy I would question that and probably send us to marriage counseling to discuss why he is so enmeshed with his mom. If I'm willing to go no screen with all my family and friends then why can't he?

No I disagree completely that the son should get mom involved in his marriage if they are having issues. What good will that do? That will cause drama and stir the pot because of course it being her son and the fact she is clearly close to him and talks everyday will cause her to pry for more info and she won't be a biased party being that she is his mother. As a wife I would be very unhappy if my husband went behind my back to talk about marriage issues we have or to tell his mom he felt bullied by me. What are we 4 where husband needs to run to mommy and say his wife is being mean to him?

That's why I would seek counsel where we could have an unbiased party. It is a terrible terrible idea to advise someone to tell their family members about their marriage issues. Family is the most biased party there is.

To your second point, I may have been unclear. I did not mean that the DH should tell the mother he is having marriage problems. I meant that if he is having marriage problems and his relationship with his mother is contributing, he should be clear with his mother that he wants to change the relationship. Small, but very important difference.

To your first point- I agree and don't see where we differ. Sure, the DH should be able to go the two weeks. But he should also be able to tell his mother directly that he is going two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

Have trepidations about what? Her grown son putting his wife's wants above his mom's. Again if her DIL expressed that's what she wants shouldn't that be good enough for the MIL? She said it's no screens for everyone she didn't say just you MIL don't call. This is a perfectly natural and normal thing that married couples do is to go away and unplug. By contacting son about it it's basically saying the boundary your wife set isn't good enough for me and I her feelings don't matter just yours. DIL's feelings should matter to the MIL as well.

Also wanted to add what feelings are we talking about being expressed here? That your boundary and no screen is upsetting to me? Isn't that in a sense manipulating son/DIL into feeling guilty about MIL's feelings here and in a sense trying to get them to change what they agreed on to suit MIL's needs?

I think the bolded is the part I am probing. A "third party" to the mother/son relationship told the mother something that dramatically affected what is the norm in that relationship. If the son agrees--particularly if he agrees with the no screen rule BECAUSE DW is concerned about the mother/son relationship, he should have no problem saying so. And in fact, that would be more honest AND effective than letting the wife speak for him. And to the second bolded, by that logic, BOTH women's feelings should matter to the son. He should have no problem hearing from his mother (he certainly heard from his wife) and make the right call.

And the "feelings" being talked about, yes, it would be indicating that the no contact relayed by the DW is "upsetting." That *for whatever reason* OP would be nervous and uncomfortable. Expressing feelings is not manipulation. Expressing nongenuine feelings, or the same feeling repeatedly, is the manipulation.

Disagree wife comes before mom. There is a serious problem if a man can't agree to go two weeks without talking to his mom if his wife wants to go screen free. He isn't 12 who has to always talk to mommy all the time. Your point would be valid if wife had a double standard of her talking to her parents but husband couldn't talk to his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Also what is there for MIL to be hurt about? DIL made it clear they aren't going screen free just from MIL but from everyone including DIL's side of the family so it isn't personal. A mother shouldn't be worried about her grown married son being on vacation assuming like we said there aren't major health issues here at play.

PP here and objectively I agree with the bolded. But the thing is, their relationship is already....different (word choice attempting to avoid value judgment.) It is clear that this move shakes something foundational in that relationship. Which is exactly why the two of them should be able to talk candidly with eachother about it. If the son has come to realize that the relationship needs to change, he should say that. If the son is concerned about issues in his marriage, perhaps caused or exacerbated by his relationship with his mother, he should say that. If the son actually would really prefer to check in with his mom twice while on vacation and he feels bullied by his wife, well he should say that too. He is an independent person with agency and need to be honest with both women in his life.

If I wanted my husband and I to unplug for a 2 week vacation and assuming my MIL is healthy with no major health issues that require a check in and my husband wouldn't go 2 weeks because he had to talk to mommy I would question that and probably send us to marriage counseling to discuss why he is so enmeshed with his mom. If I'm willing to go no screen with all my family and friends then why can't he?

No I disagree completely that the son should get mom involved in his marriage if they are having issues. What good will that do? That will cause drama and stir the pot because of course it being her son and the fact she is clearly close to him and talks everyday will cause her to pry for more info and she won't be a biased party being that she is his mother. As a wife I would be very unhappy if my husband went behind my back to talk about marriage issues we have or to tell his mom he felt bullied by me. What are we 4 where husband needs to run to mommy and say his wife is being mean to him?

That's why I would seek counsel where we could have an unbiased party. It is a terrible terrible idea to advise someone to tell their family members about their marriage issues. Family is the most biased party there is.

To your second point, I may have been unclear. I did not mean that the DH should tell the mother he is having marriage problems. I meant that if he is having marriage problems and his relationship with his mother is contributing, he should be clear with his mother that he wants to change the relationship. Small, but very important difference.

To your first point- I agree and don't see where we differ. Sure, the DH should be able to go the two weeks. But he should also be able to tell his mother directly that he is going two weeks.

Sorry I must have misunderstood your reply then. It seemed like you were saying husband should tell his wife he can't go 2 weeks but I realized that's not what you were saying so yes I guess we do agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise. I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise. I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...

It just seems like in this case MIL should express her feelings then if she is going to to both her son and DIL since her DIL is also a member of her family and she initially raised the issue. If she goes just to son it portrays that it's behind DIL's back. It just gives me an icky feeling inside like ok I am going to not acknowledge DIL in this conversation because I want to hear from my son because my DIL doesn't matter. What is OP hoping to gain here that's the question I keep circling back to. For son to reveal something about his marriage which by doing that he is now going behind wife's back.

Sorry people may not want to hear this but once a marriage takes place the spouse becomes the main nuclear family so I think their feelings carry a lot more weight.

[Anonymous]

Is OP for real? Wow!
Let your son live his life. If he wants to talk to you, he will call you. Find some hobbies or something.