Help settle an argument: with 2 under 5, doing errands is a break

[Anonymous]

It’s taken awhile for the kids to come to terms with how he treated me while being an angel to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal when kids are young (say, both under 5-6) to hate being the solo parent on duty. Every parent I know, including people who are really really into their kids, feels that way. I only have one but it's definitely a chore to be the parent on duty alone, although we try to make it fun (go to the playground, etc.).

OP I would just tell him you're doing an errand without asking if it's ok. "I'm going to the store, need anything?" Take charge. And this is a sign that neither of you is getting real breaks. Talk to your pediatrician about how "high risk" your older kid actually is and what that means -- i.e. would it be reasonable to get outside help once a week from someone vaccinated. If you have family in the area, or even out of state who'd be willing to visit and babysit, now's the time to call.

What on earth are you talking about? We have twins so we've always had two, but since day one there were times that one of us was alone with both of them. And that has just continued over the last eight years. You only have one kid and you find that it's hard to be with that one kid without your spouse? How do you function?

I function very well, but toddlers (in my case) are needy and kind of annoying sometimes! That's all I mean. I have her routine down pat now, but doesn't mean I am not irritable when I"m the solo parent. This is the case for all of my parent friends with kids who aren't potty-trained yet

So you and your husband are together with your child like basically all the time? Neither of you do things with friends? Travel? I just can't fathom how you function without being able to parent a child by yourself. None of my friends were like this. We all spend time solo parenting, as did our spouses. Sure, it's not as easy as it is with two parents but it certainly wasn't to the point of constant irritation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP who kept suggesting scripts I would use, but I take it back. Your husband is being a total ahole and you know it. It’s possible that if he realizes he could lose his marriage over it, he would shape up, but he probably won’t. You need to decide if you’re willing to live like this for the next 5-10-15 years, and if you’re not you need to take steps to change your life. If he won’t listen or go to counseling, get yourself to therapy and make plans for what a single life would look like. I know your budget is tight, but you can’t let your kids grow up like this. Especially if he’s turning it on them.

OP, my friend felt like this - she was miserable but figured she'd stick it out until the kids were 18 because they couldn't afford to get divorced. Well, guess what, this year HE decided he was done and moved out and now she's going through a divorce but since she was blindsided he hid money and is being difficult about everything. If she had planned her escape this wouldn't have happened. Don't think things will be the same for the next 5-10-15 years - next year he could tell you he's spent all your savings and he's leaving you. It doesn't sound like this is a marriage worth staying in, so you need to get your ducks in a row to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you said your mom has seen how he acts. Can you confide in her? It will be really scary and hard at first but I really think you need to her out for your sake and for your kids.

I wish I could but I cannot. She’s the kind of person who would not be a neutral sounding board, would turn on my husband and never be willing to look past this if we’re able to work through it, and would gossip relentlessly about this with her partner and friends. It would also reinforce a narrative in her mind that I’m her screwed up child. She’s never really seen past the me in high school/college who struggled with depression and bulimia and my weight when she and my father were divorcing because she cheated on him and left him for her new partner. My siblings were “easier” during this time and got favored status, eg my younger sister got a laptop and new clothes to to college and my parents paid for her spring break trips but because I was in therapy (expensive) and taking medications (expensive) that cost my mom a lot out of pocket at the time I got none of the same treatment. Literally my college roommates and my sister used to give me their old clothes before they donated them to Goodwill that’s how bad it was. (And yes I worked at the time but I was spending most of my money on rent and food.) I have always been her “hard” kid and I’m not going to give her a new chance to reinforce a narrative as she will see it as me screwing up again, expecting her to solve my problem, or thinking I want her to give me money....

Not PP but I'm so sorry, OP. I truly hope you are in therapy to deal with all of this. Do you have any friends you can turn to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse sounds like a jackass. What made you think having kids with him would be okay?

Geez, why attack the OP here? I get so sick of the attitude that poor behavior is the fault of the victim for not being able to see it in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you said your mom has seen how he acts. Can you confide in her? It will be really scary and hard at first but I really think you need to her out for your sake and for your kids.

I wish I could but I cannot. She’s the kind of person who would not be a neutral sounding board, would turn on my husband and never be willing to look past this if we’re able to work through it, and would gossip relentlessly about this with her partner and friends. It would also reinforce a narrative in her mind that I’m her screwed up child. She’s never really seen past the me in high school/college who struggled with depression and bulimia and my weight when she and my father were divorcing because she cheated on him and left him for her new partner. My siblings were “easier” during this time and got favored status, eg my younger sister got a laptop and new clothes to to college and my parents paid for her spring break trips but because I was in therapy (expensive) and taking medications (expensive) that cost my mom a lot out of pocket at the time I got none of the same treatment. Literally my college roommates and my sister used to give me their old clothes before they donated them to Goodwill that’s how bad it was. (And yes I worked at the time but I was spending most of my money on rent and food.) I have always been her “hard” kid and I’m not going to give her a new chance to reinforce a narrative as she will see it as me screwing up again, expecting her to solve my problem, or thinking I want her to give me money....

Not PP but I'm so sorry, OP. I truly hope you are in therapy to deal with all of this. Do you have any friends you can turn to?

Thank you. I haven’t told anyone because it’s not something anyone can forget once they are told. Most of my good friends are friends with both of us, many were in or at our wedding, etc. And my DH is very aware of how people treats him so if a friend was to start being cold/distant/different to him I am quite confident he would notice and ask me about it and try to figure it out. Honestly I would rather confide in a total stranger than a family or a friend. Some of them probably wouldn’t believe me, and some would say they knew it or suspected it and then it would forever change how they treat him. It’s a huge risk unless I’m certain I’m leaving the relationship.

[Anonymous]

it depends on the person, but it's obviously a break for him or why won't he let you do it sometimes. Going to Costco can be very tiring and I feel like I need a break when I get back and sometimes just hanging with the kids at the park is not bad at all (depending how they behave). You guys should just divide things up more. I do certain errands because I am better at them and sometimes need more alone time than DH, but if he was asking to do it, I would try to even it out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse sounds like a jackass. What made you think having kids with him would be okay?

Geez, why attack the OP here? I get so sick of the attitude that poor behavior is the fault of the victim for not being able to see it in advance.

Thank you. We’ve been together 15 years and life does not give you a crystal ball for the future. He only really started to get really particular and anal after our first kid was born and the second kid made things exponentially worse. When we first got together he was the slob and I did most of the cleaning - just goes to show you that people change - and can change a lot. It would be nice to think we can know how they will ahead of time, but we can’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal when kids are young (say, both under 5-6) to hate being the solo parent on duty. Every parent I know, including people who are really really into their kids, feels that way. I only have one but it's definitely a chore to be the parent on duty alone, although we try to make it fun (go to the playground, etc.).

OP I would just tell him you're doing an errand without asking if it's ok. "I'm going to the store, need anything?" Take charge. And this is a sign that neither of you is getting real breaks. Talk to your pediatrician about how "high risk" your older kid actually is and what that means -- i.e. would it be reasonable to get outside help once a week from someone vaccinated. If you have family in the area, or even out of state who'd be willing to visit and babysit, now's the time to call.

What on earth are you talking about? We have twins so we've always had two, but since day one there were times that one of us was alone with both of them. And that has just continued over the last eight years. You only have one kid and you find that it's hard to be with that one kid without your spouse? How do you function?

I function very well, but toddlers (in my case) are needy and kind of annoying sometimes! That's all I mean. I have her routine down pat now, but doesn't mean I am not irritable when I"m the solo parent. This is the case for all of my parent friends with kids who aren't potty-trained yet

So you and your husband are together with your child like basically all the time? Neither of you do things with friends? Travel? I just can't fathom how you function without being able to parent a child by yourself. None of my friends were like this. We all spend time solo parenting, as did our spouses. Sure, it's not as easy as it is with two parents but it certainly wasn't to the point of constant irritation.

Man so you sound melodramatic. I like spending time with my family, kids are small and won't be forever, I work and am busy, plus we shouldn't be traveling and whatnot with Covid. We socialize plenty, but with mutual friends and other families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you said your mom has seen how he acts. Can you confide in her? It will be really scary and hard at first but I really think you need to her out for your sake and for your kids.

I wish I could but I cannot. She’s the kind of person who would not be a neutral sounding board, would turn on my husband and never be willing to look past this if we’re able to work through it, and would gossip relentlessly about this with her partner and friends. It would also reinforce a narrative in her mind that I’m her screwed up child. She’s never really seen past the me in high school/college who struggled with depression and bulimia and my weight when she and my father were divorcing because she cheated on him and left him for her new partner. My siblings were “easier” during this time and got favored status, eg my younger sister got a laptop and new clothes to to college and my parents paid for her spring break trips but because I was in therapy (expensive) and taking medications (expensive) that cost my mom a lot out of pocket at the time I got none of the same treatment. Literally my college roommates and my sister used to give me their old clothes before they donated them to Goodwill that’s how bad it was. (And yes I worked at the time but I was spending most of my money on rent and food.) I have always been her “hard” kid and I’m not going to give her a new chance to reinforce a narrative as she will see it as me screwing up again, expecting her to solve my problem, or thinking I want her to give me money....

Not PP but I'm so sorry, OP. I truly hope you are in therapy to deal with all of this. Do you have any friends you can turn to?

Thank you. I haven’t told anyone because it’s not something anyone can forget once they are told. Most of my good friends are friends with both of us, many were in or at our wedding, etc. And my DH is very aware of how people treats him so if a friend was to start being cold/distant/different to him I am quite confident he would notice and ask me about it and try to figure it out. Honestly I would rather confide in a total stranger than a family or a friend. Some of them probably wouldn’t believe me, and some would say they knew it or suspected it and then it would forever change how they treat him. It’s a huge risk unless I’m certain I’m leaving the relationship.

Do you have any friends from before you met him? Or any friends you know because of something else? My husband is friends with all my friends, yes, but most of them were MY friends first. I think you may be underestimating how much your friends would care about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal when kids are young (say, both under 5-6) to hate being the solo parent on duty. Every parent I know, including people who are really really into their kids, feels that way. I only have one but it's definitely a chore to be the parent on duty alone, although we try to make it fun (go to the playground, etc.).

OP I would just tell him you're doing an errand without asking if it's ok. "I'm going to the store, need anything?" Take charge. And this is a sign that neither of you is getting real breaks. Talk to your pediatrician about how "high risk" your older kid actually is and what that means -- i.e. would it be reasonable to get outside help once a week from someone vaccinated. If you have family in the area, or even out of state who'd be willing to visit and babysit, now's the time to call.

What on earth are you talking about? We have twins so we've always had two, but since day one there were times that one of us was alone with both of them. And that has just continued over the last eight years. You only have one kid and you find that it's hard to be with that one kid without your spouse? How do you function?

I function very well, but toddlers (in my case) are needy and kind of annoying sometimes! That's all I mean. I have her routine down pat now, but doesn't mean I am not irritable when I"m the solo parent. This is the case for all of my parent friends with kids who aren't potty-trained yet

So you and your husband are together with your child like basically all the time? Neither of you do things with friends? Travel? I just can't fathom how you function without being able to parent a child by yourself. None of my friends were like this. We all spend time solo parenting, as did our spouses. Sure, it's not as easy as it is with two parents but it certainly wasn't to the point of constant irritation.

Man so you sound melodramatic. I like spending time with my family, kids are small and won't be forever, I work and am busy, plus we shouldn't be traveling and whatnot with Covid. We socialize plenty, but with mutual friends and other families.

And you sound small-minded and judgmental. I also like spending time with my family and I also work and am busy. But I get it, you don't leave the house because of COVID so I see where you're at now. No use having a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you said your mom has seen how he acts. Can you confide in her? It will be really scary and hard at first but I really think you need to her out for your sake and for your kids.

I wish I could but I cannot. She’s the kind of person who would not be a neutral sounding board, would turn on my husband and never be willing to look past this if we’re able to work through it, and would gossip relentlessly about this with her partner and friends. It would also reinforce a narrative in her mind that I’m her screwed up child. She’s never really seen past the me in high school/college who struggled with depression and bulimia and my weight when she and my father were divorcing because she cheated on him and left him for her new partner. My siblings were “easier” during this time and got favored status, eg my younger sister got a laptop and new clothes to to college and my parents paid for her spring break trips but because I was in therapy (expensive) and taking medications (expensive) that cost my mom a lot out of pocket at the time I got none of the same treatment. Literally my college roommates and my sister used to give me their old clothes before they donated them to Goodwill that’s how bad it was. (And yes I worked at the time but I was spending most of my money on rent and food.) I have always been her “hard” kid and I’m not going to give her a new chance to reinforce a narrative as she will see it as me screwing up again, expecting her to solve my problem, or thinking I want her to give me money....

Not PP but I'm so sorry, OP. I truly hope you are in therapy to deal with all of this. Do you have any friends you can turn to?

Thank you. I haven’t told anyone because it’s not something anyone can forget once they are told. Most of my good friends are friends with both of us, many were in or at our wedding, etc. And my DH is very aware of how people treats him so if a friend was to start being cold/distant/different to him I am quite confident he would notice and ask me about it and try to figure it out. Honestly I would rather confide in a total stranger than a family or a friend. Some of them probably wouldn’t believe me, and some would say they knew it or suspected it and then it would forever change how they treat him. It’s a huge risk unless I’m certain I’m leaving the relationship.

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. This really sounds like an emotionally abusive situation and that you grew up the target of emotional abuse in your family so it will take work to unpack all that and find the strength to leave. But, you need to do that. He said you should go to solo counseling so go. Do you want this controlling, gaslighting behavior directed at your kids? For them to grow up with this as the model of a married relationship? Yes, having to deal with him as divorced co-parents is going to be really difficult but you can at least provide a stable, loving home on your own.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting because I was just discussing with my friend how couples with even salaries and hours and even responsibilities around the house (including kids) may be the ideal situation because you have equal distribution of everything (this is how my husband and I are), but then you say this and I guess it comes down to personalities more than anything else because you two are in that spot of even salaries but clearly it's not working out well.

Agree, it’s personality. My DH makes 2x as much as me (though my salary is not too shabby either), but is a full partner with the house and kids. I get more leisure time than he does since he works longer hours but he is fine with that. Even if I were to become a SAHM (which I would never) he might drop some of his household duties but he wouldn’t drop his kid duties because he likes the daily bonding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if I were in your position — two kids who don’t sleep well, husband who wants things to be nice around the house and wants sex and wants sleep and doesn’t want anyone else in the house because of germs — here’s what I would say:

“Larlo, I just don’t have the bandwidth to do my job plus nursing in the night plus doing fifty percent of all the work to keep the house to the standard you want. I’m exhausted. I know you are, too. We need to change something, and I’m open to a lot of options about what that should be — maybe we should switch to formula, maybe we should see if we can move to a lower COL area or one of us can find a higher paying job so the other one can stay home, maybe we should relax standards about housekeeping or relax standards about covid, I don’t know. But the status quo isn’t working for me, and it doesn’t seem like it’s working for you either. We’re both burned out, and we need to make some changes. Can we tackle this together, you and me vs. the world?”

This might not work for you like it would for me because your husband sounds like he’s made this a you vs. him thing, but if you can’t try to solve your problems as a team I think your marriage is in serious trouble.

Thank you. I wish I could approach this with him like a team. We’ve been together 15 years and unfortunately very slowly over many years the balance has just shifted to him controlling more and more household decisions. He will adamantly deny this, or say that it’s my fault because I’m indecisive or I cede decision making to him, but frequently when I do make decisions or take action he routinely criticizes me so I feel like I cannot. Like if I put Larlo in shorts for school (when he normally gets her dressed) he will say, why did you put Larla in shorts, it’s too cold for that, and go change her. Or if I make dinner and it’s not ready by 6:45 he starts complaining about how the kids are now going to go to bed late because dinner isn’t ready (but it’s totally ok for him to get dinner on the table after 7, or even 7:30). Or when we took Larla to a new pediatrician and I did all the work to get the appointment, research the doctor, get the medical records transferred (multiple calls to the original pediatrician, new pediatrician, and records company due to some issues) pack a bag with everything for the visit, nurse Larla before we go, etc. But then when we are in the car on the way there and get there it’s not clear where to park when we arrive he starts peppering me with questions - where are we supposed to park? Do they validate parking? How are we supposed to get from the parking garage to the building? And honestly, I hadn’t figured it out. I was just going to wing it. But he takes the opportunity to say, “when I do things like this, I handle it. I take care of all the details. And you don’t. And now you’re just handing me a problem.” (In this case, apparently the 3 minutes it took me to look on the website and Google maps the parking garage were unacceptable to him and me handing him a problem.). I sometimes wish people could watch this dynamic and I could get a gut check on who is the one being unreasonable because he makes me feel like I am responsible when my gut tells me he’s the one who is being overly controlling and particular.

He's gaslighting you. Get a therapist NOW.

+1 Although, you might just want to skip straight to a divorce lawyer. I know you said you cannot afford a divorce, but I think you need to find a way. However trapped you may feel, you do have options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal when kids are young (say, both under 5-6) to hate being the solo parent on duty. Every parent I know, including people who are really really into their kids, feels that way. I only have one but it's definitely a chore to be the parent on duty alone, although we try to make it fun (go to the playground, etc.).

OP I would just tell him you're doing an errand without asking if it's ok. "I'm going to the store, need anything?" Take charge. And this is a sign that neither of you is getting real breaks. Talk to your pediatrician about how "high risk" your older kid actually is and what that means -- i.e. would it be reasonable to get outside help once a week from someone vaccinated. If you have family in the area, or even out of state who'd be willing to visit and babysit, now's the time to call.

What on earth are you talking about? We have twins so we've always had two, but since day one there were times that one of us was alone with both of them. And that has just continued over the last eight years. You only have one kid and you find that it's hard to be with that one kid without your spouse? How do you function?

I function very well, but toddlers (in my case) are needy and kind of annoying sometimes! That's all I mean. I have her routine down pat now, but doesn't mean I am not irritable when I"m the solo parent. This is the case for all of my parent friends with kids who aren't potty-trained yet

So you and your husband are together with your child like basically all the time? Neither of you do things with friends? Travel? I just can't fathom how you function without being able to parent a child by yourself. None of my friends were like this. We all spend time solo parenting, as did our spouses. Sure, it's not as easy as it is with two parents but it certainly wasn't to the point of constant irritation.

Wow. Do you belittle your children like this or just other parents?