Help settle an argument: with 2 under 5, doing errands is a break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He dislikes being with both kids but won’t admit it. He will literally spend 4 hours doing yard work or house projects and then blow up at me when I get pissed off from watching the kids that whole time because he’s the one busting his butt and will say stuff like 0what, you think it’s fun to paint/weed/mow. I’m making your house nice for you!” Except he’s gotten a good sweat going, has been listening to music or podcasts, and has gotten to accomplish something while I’m just watching kids.

I did get ticked last week and went to the grocery store. He complained I was taking too long to check cupboards and meal plan before I went, then was texting me when I was there about why it was taking so long, then complained when I got home because I bought a second gallon of milk, and a second bag of chips of a kind we already had, and didn’t buy a second loaf of bread (I was trying to check but he rushed me out the door) and then was like, if you want to do the shoppping you have to keep track of all this stuff.

He’s gotten more controlling since having kids and then the pandemic and I’m so sick of it.

Kinda sounds like you both hate being with the kids alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He dislikes being with both kids but won’t admit it. He will literally spend 4 hours doing yard work or house projects and then blow up at me when I get pissed off from watching the kids that whole time because he’s the one busting his butt and will say stuff like 0what, you think it’s fun to paint/weed/mow. I’m making your house nice for you!” Except he’s gotten a good sweat going, has been listening to music or podcasts, and has gotten to accomplish something while I’m just watching kids.

I did get ticked last week and went to the grocery store. He complained I was taking too long to check cupboards and meal plan before I went, then was texting me when I was there about why it was taking so long, then complained when I got home because I bought a second gallon of milk, and a second bag of chips of a kind we already had, and didn’t buy a second loaf of bread (I was trying to check but he rushed me out the door) and then was like, if you want to do the shoppping you have to keep track of all this stuff.

He’s gotten more controlling since having kids and then the pandemic and I’m so sick of it.

Kinda sounds like you both hate being with the kids alone.

That’s not it at all. But DH is controlling and extremely concerned about #1’s health condition and #2 getting sick as a newborn/infant so we have basically had little to no child care for most of the pandemic. He’s been extremely adamant and only recently relented to let a nanny in the house. We are both also just utterly and completely gassed and burnt out. And neither kid sleeps well and we are not able to go to bed early because we are constantly burning the candle at both ends to do work/laundry/household tasks that don’t get done during the day while we juggle kids/work so we are chronically sleep deprived (last night for instance we were both up til 12 getting showers in, cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, and doing/folding laundry and straightening) then the baby was up at 1, screamed for a good 30 min, woke up #2 at 1:45, then #2 was up again at 3 and woke the baby so DH went to sleep with #1 and I nursed the baby at 3, the baby woke again at 5, the baby woke up at 6 and was up and woke DH who flipped out about how he only gets unbroken sleep (uh yeah, I’m the one nursing, so don’t even complain to me as I nurse the baby while you snore in the middle of the night, multiple times, most nights, and somehow you want a medal for every once and a while helping me change a diaper at 2 am?) so I got up with the baby and was up with the older kid who woke at 8 and then he woke up at 8:30 after I let him sleep in and made him food while watching both kids and had the audacity to tell me again how tired he was and how he’s going to drop dead of a heart attack if he doesn’t start sleeping better soon instead of being grateful I took it on the chin so he could get a few extra hours of sleep.

Honestly our marriage was good until kids. It got hard with 1, but as 1 got older we could take turns giving each other breaks so we each had gym time and friend time sometimes and he traveled multiple times per year for work so each of us got some time off. But now with two and the pandemic the demands of the kids are consuming and unrelenting, and I feel like there’s this sexist layer of my husband that’s somehow been unearthed that is resentful I’m not a SAHM and the default parent for everything and that I’m not just ok with parenting more than he does because I’m the woman. He literally will say things like, why didn’t I just marry one of yours sisters because they seem perfectly fine with watching the kids all the time (except one was a SAHM and the other married a wealthy guy with a trust fund who routinely golfs every weekend and leaves my sister with the kids alone but she doesn’t have to work full time anymore because the husband makes most of the money).

[Anonymous]

Isn't running errands one of the only things most husbands do well as far as division of labor? I send mine out for that reason. He just isn't good at quarterbacking at home. Use what he can do well. What if you ran all the errands, then came home to a mess.

At the same time, who is he to tell you that you can't go to a store. How did you get stuck in this dynamic? Sounds like he is your boss.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn’t think it’s a break then I’m sure he’ll have no objection to you taking over those chores while he stays home with the baby and toddler.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't your children sleeping through the night? I think this is your biggest problem. Not who "gets to go" to Target.

How old is each child? Mine was sleeping through the night at 3 months.

[Anonymous]

Is the newborn over 3 months old? Food normally fixes sleep issues. You give them a meal and they sleep through the night full.

For the older kid, is it waking up from noise from you all doing dishes and cleaning and laundry, or from other kid waking? I would put baby to bed full so it won't wake up. Quit doing late night errands, and put blackout shades and a white noise machine in kids room on low with white noise sound.

[Anonymous]

The very fact that he clings to his errands is proof that they constitute a break for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He dislikes being with both kids but won’t admit it. He will literally spend 4 hours doing yard work or house projects and then blow up at me when I get pissed off from watching the kids that whole time because he’s the one busting his butt and will say stuff like 0what, you think it’s fun to paint/weed/mow. I’m making your house nice for you!” Except he’s gotten a good sweat going, has been listening to music or podcasts, and has gotten to accomplish something while I’m just watching kids.

I did get ticked last week and went to the grocery store. He complained I was taking too long to check cupboards and meal plan before I went, then was texting me when I was there about why it was taking so long, then complained when I got home because I bought a second gallon of milk, and a second bag of chips of a kind we already had, and didn’t buy a second loaf of bread (I was trying to check but he rushed me out the door) and then was like, if you want to do the shoppping you have to keep track of all this stuff.

He’s gotten more controlling since having kids and then the pandemic and I’m so sick of it.

Kinda sounds like you both hate being with the kids alone.

That’s not it at all. But DH is controlling and extremely concerned about #1’s health condition and #2 getting sick as a newborn/infant so we have basically had little to no child care for most of the pandemic. He’s been extremely adamant and only recently relented to let a nanny in the house. We are both also just utterly and completely gassed and burnt out. And neither kid sleeps well and we are not able to go to bed early because we are constantly burning the candle at both ends to do work/laundry/household tasks that don’t get done during the day while we juggle kids/work so we are chronically sleep deprived (last night for instance we were both up til 12 getting showers in, cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, and doing/folding laundry and straightening) then the baby was up at 1, screamed for a good 30 min, woke up #2 at 1:45, then #2 was up again at 3 and woke the baby so DH went to sleep with #1 and I nursed the baby at 3, the baby woke again at 5, the baby woke up at 6 and was up and woke DH who flipped out about how he only gets unbroken sleep (uh yeah, I’m the one nursing, so don’t even complain to me as I nurse the baby while you snore in the middle of the night, multiple times, most nights, and somehow you want a medal for every once and a while helping me change a diaper at 2 am?) so I got up with the baby and was up with the older kid who woke at 8 and then he woke up at 8:30 after I let him sleep in and made him food while watching both kids and had the audacity to tell me again how tired he was and how he’s going to drop dead of a heart attack if he doesn’t start sleeping better soon instead of being grateful I took it on the chin so he could get a few extra hours of sleep.

Honestly our marriage was good until kids. It got hard with 1, but as 1 got older we could take turns giving each other breaks so we each had gym time and friend time sometimes and he traveled multiple times per year for work so each of us got some time off. But now with two and the pandemic the demands of the kids are consuming and unrelenting, and I feel like there’s this sexist layer of my husband that’s somehow been unearthed that is resentful I’m not a SAHM and the default parent for everything and that I’m not just ok with parenting more than he does because I’m the woman. He literally will say things like, why didn’t I just marry one of yours sisters because they seem perfectly fine with watching the kids all the time (except one was a SAHM and the other married a wealthy guy with a trust fund who routinely golfs every weekend and leaves my sister with the kids alone but she doesn’t have to work full time anymore because the husband makes most of the money).

Ugh. I’m so sorry. I think you need to go to marriage counseling. I know that doesn’t seem feasible right now on top of everything else but you guys are going to grind every last speck of goodwill out of the relationship, by the time you can go it might be hard to salvage. It honestly sounds like you are both exhausted and this comes out as resentment, blame, criticism, and contempt.

I would at the very least sit down with him and ask him to make a schedule for how he wants things to go with night and weekend parenting. Tell him you love him and don’t want to fight anymore. Add a clause for contingencies, like if X happens to upset the plan then how will we deal with it.

I’m sorry so much is on your plate right now. It does get better as the kids get older and there is more bandwidth all around, but I worry that things like the comment about marrying your sisters are just going to fester and cause bad feelings forever. There are some real issues here with joint decision making and how you handle conflict.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal when kids are young (say, both under 5-6) to hate being the solo parent on duty. Every parent I know, including people who are really really into their kids, feels that way. I only have one but it's definitely a chore to be the parent on duty alone, although we try to make it fun (go to the playground, etc.).

OP I would just tell him you're doing an errand without asking if it's ok. "I'm going to the store, need anything?" Take charge. And this is a sign that neither of you is getting real breaks. Talk to your pediatrician about how "high risk" your older kid actually is and what that means -- i.e. would it be reasonable to get outside help once a week from someone vaccinated. If you have family in the area, or even out of state who'd be willing to visit and babysit, now's the time to call.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like he has some serious mental health issues going on.

[Anonymous]

Do not, do not, quit your job, not matter how much he wants a SAHM, given the conflicts going on in this marriage right now. There are a lot of issues here to unpack, from pandemic related anxiety to sleep deprivation, but maintaining your ability to support yourself while parenting in a rocky marriage is very important. It doesn’t sound like you want to quit, but it does sound like he is putting pressure on you to take on solo parenting.

[Anonymous]

So much of the errands can be handled by shopping online. You don’t ever need to go into a target or grocery store, and I think a lot of us transitioned to this way of shopping during the pandemic when we wanted to limit our exposures. Lawn work can be outsourced during this period of parenting that is so exhausting. It doesn’t mean you always need to pay someone to weed or mulch, but just that you recognize that things have been tough and you need to get some chores off your shoulders and pay someone else to do it…this year.

I think instead of trying to mask much needed break time with a quick trip to Lowe’s, you should acknowledge that each of you deserves a scheduled kid free break, whether to walk, nap, hit the gym - and openly switch off the kids so you can accomplish it. Maybe you could have an hour every Saturday afternoon and he could have an hour every Sunday afternoon, and you put it on the calendar with no fighting, no bickering, no even questioning what the spouse chooses to do with that kid free break time.

Can you work out during your lunch break while you still have the nanny in the house? Maybe even go together and use it as a bonding activity while she has the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He dislikes being with both kids but won’t admit it. He will literally spend 4 hours doing yard work or house projects and then blow up at me when I get pissed off from watching the kids that whole time because he’s the one busting his butt and will say stuff like 0what, you think it’s fun to paint/weed/mow. I’m making your house nice for you!” Except he’s gotten a good sweat going, has been listening to music or podcasts, and has gotten to accomplish something while I’m just watching kids.

I did get ticked last week and went to the grocery store. He complained I was taking too long to check cupboards and meal plan before I went, then was texting me when I was there about why it was taking so long, then complained when I got home because I bought a second gallon of milk, and a second bag of chips of a kind we already had, and didn’t buy a second loaf of bread (I was trying to check but he rushed me out the door) and then was like, if you want to do the shoppping you have to keep track of all this stuff.

He’s gotten more controlling since having kids and then the pandemic and I’m so sick of it.

Kinda sounds like you both hate being with the kids alone.

That’s not it at all. But DH is controlling and extremely concerned about #1’s health condition and #2 getting sick as a newborn/infant so we have basically had little to no child care for most of the pandemic. He’s been extremely adamant and only recently relented to let a nanny in the house. We are both also just utterly and completely gassed and burnt out. And neither kid sleeps well and we are not able to go to bed early because we are constantly burning the candle at both ends to do work/laundry/household tasks that don’t get done during the day while we juggle kids/work so we are chronically sleep deprived (last night for instance we were both up til 12 getting showers in, cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, and doing/folding laundry and straightening) then the baby was up at 1, screamed for a good 30 min, woke up #2 at 1:45, then #2 was up again at 3 and woke the baby so DH went to sleep with #1 and I nursed the baby at 3, the baby woke again at 5, the baby woke up at 6 and was up and woke DH who flipped out about how he only gets unbroken sleep (uh yeah, I’m the one nursing, so don’t even complain to me as I nurse the baby while you snore in the middle of the night, multiple times, most nights, and somehow you want a medal for every once and a while helping me change a diaper at 2 am?) so I got up with the baby and was up with the older kid who woke at 8 and then he woke up at 8:30 after I let him sleep in and made him food while watching both kids and had the audacity to tell me again how tired he was and how he’s going to drop dead of a heart attack if he doesn’t start sleeping better soon instead of being grateful I took it on the chin so he could get a few extra hours of sleep.

Honestly our marriage was good until kids. It got hard with 1, but as 1 got older we could take turns giving each other breaks so we each had gym time and friend time sometimes and he traveled multiple times per year for work so each of us got some time off. But now with two and the pandemic the demands of the kids are consuming and unrelenting, and I feel like there’s this sexist layer of my husband that’s somehow been unearthed that is resentful I’m not a SAHM and the default parent for everything and that I’m not just ok with parenting more than he does because I’m the woman. He literally will say things like, why didn’t I just marry one of yours sisters because they seem perfectly fine with watching the kids all the time (except one was a SAHM and the other married a wealthy guy with a trust fund who routinely golfs every weekend and leaves my sister with the kids alone but she doesn’t have to work full time anymore because the husband makes most of the money).

I second the suggestion got counseling if possible. He’s saying some pretty mean things.

It’s the weekend. Let the clean laundry live in baskets. Use paper plates and get take out. You’re both beyond burned out and the sleep deprivation is destroying your marriage.

Integrate the kids into your life and the life of the household. The baby can lie on a playmat while you fold laundry. Maybe the older kid helps or maybe they play independently nearby. I’ve got 3 and if it’s not done while they awake, it’s not done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He dislikes being with both kids but won’t admit it. He will literally spend 4 hours doing yard work or house projects and then blow up at me when I get pissed off from watching the kids that whole time because he’s the one busting his butt and will say stuff like 0what, you think it’s fun to paint/weed/mow. I’m making your house nice for you!” Except he’s gotten a good sweat going, has been listening to music or podcasts, and has gotten to accomplish something while I’m just watching kids.

I did get ticked last week and went to the grocery store. He complained I was taking too long to check cupboards and meal plan before I went, then was texting me when I was there about why it was taking so long, then complained when I got home because I bought a second gallon of milk, and a second bag of chips of a kind we already had, and didn’t buy a second loaf of bread (I was trying to check but he rushed me out the door) and then was like, if you want to do the shoppping you have to keep track of all this stuff.

He’s gotten more controlling since having kids and then the pandemic and I’m so sick of it.

Kinda sounds like you both hate being with the kids alone.

That’s not it at all. But DH is controlling and extremely concerned about #1’s health condition and #2 getting sick as a newborn/infant so we have basically had little to no child care for most of the pandemic. He’s been extremely adamant and only recently relented to let a nanny in the house. We are both also just utterly and completely gassed and burnt out. And neither kid sleeps well and we are not able to go to bed early because we are constantly burning the candle at both ends to do work/laundry/household tasks that don’t get done during the day while we juggle kids/work so we are chronically sleep deprived (last night for instance we were both up til 12 getting showers in, cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes, and doing/folding laundry and straightening) then the baby was up at 1, screamed for a good 30 min, woke up #2 at 1:45, then #2 was up again at 3 and woke the baby so DH went to sleep with #1 and I nursed the baby at 3, the baby woke again at 5, the baby woke up at 6 and was up and woke DH who flipped out about how he only gets unbroken sleep (uh yeah, I’m the one nursing, so don’t even complain to me as I nurse the baby while you snore in the middle of the night, multiple times, most nights, and somehow you want a medal for every once and a while helping me change a diaper at 2 am?) so I got up with the baby and was up with the older kid who woke at 8 and then he woke up at 8:30 after I let him sleep in and made him food while watching both kids and had the audacity to tell me again how tired he was and how he’s going to drop dead of a heart attack if he doesn’t start sleeping better soon instead of being grateful I took it on the chin so he could get a few extra hours of sleep.

Honestly our marriage was good until kids. It got hard with 1, but as 1 got older we could take turns giving each other breaks so we each had gym time and friend time sometimes and he traveled multiple times per year for work so each of us got some time off. But now with two and the pandemic the demands of the kids are consuming and unrelenting, and I feel like there’s this sexist layer of my husband that’s somehow been unearthed that is resentful I’m not a SAHM and the default parent for everything and that I’m not just ok with parenting more than he does because I’m the woman. He literally will say things like, why didn’t I just marry one of yours sisters because they seem perfectly fine with watching the kids all the time (except one was a SAHM and the other married a wealthy guy with a trust fund who routinely golfs every weekend and leaves my sister with the kids alone but she doesn’t have to work full time anymore because the husband makes most of the money).

Okay so go out and do all the shopping nd go out and the yard work done and leave DH with the kids. But I guess you can't do that either because he's so controlling too. You just don't like having kids period. That's fine but no need to paint your husband as an evil monster because you hate being a mom.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you would also benefit from switching to formula. It's inherently more egalitarian -- DH can feed at night and you don't have to do any work for it (pumping). It cuts down on some resentment.