Mourning all the wasted years.
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Anonymous
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Complicated, but basically I grew up with a devastating amount of childhood trauma from my very mentally Ill mother. It basically shattered my self esteem, gave me serious anxiety and made me hate myself. I spent my entire older teenage/early twenties life simply trying to survive until I could get out from under her control completely. She was manipulative and basically gave me coping mechanisms that although helped me survive my trauma-have ruined many things for me. I had relationships but my low self esteem/terrible insecurity basically messed up any chance of normal relationships. I met my husband when I was 22 and he felt like a way out. Although I had picked a career path that was lucrative (very on purpose to make sure I could always take care/support myself)-he was on an even more impressive path. We started life together very quickly after graduating professional school and got married and started having kids very young. I love him deeply but as time has gone on I realize that it is/was a dependent love and not true love. Over the last 5 years or so (I’m in my early 40s) I’ve done intense therapy and really started working on myself. And now I feel so different. I feel like a different person. I finally have confidence and actually like myself and have made awesome friends and generally just feel like an actual person finally. My husband, instead of being happy for me, cuts me down and makes comments to try and keep me the way I was. Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough. But more than that I’m so sad that half my life is over and I feel like I didn’t live at all. I didn’t have “fun teenage years” or “fun college years”. I spent those years so terrified of being under my mothers control that I was 100% focused on making good grades and getting out. I mourn the life I should have had. The experiences I should have had. I should have had more relationship experience where I wasn’t so messed up that I could learn what I wanted from those kind of relationships. Sometimes when friends talk about all the fun/experiences/random fun sex they had I just want to cry. Because I should have had that. And now I never will. That window of life is over for me and it makes me want to scream. I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I don't even know what my question is. I guess I just needed to tell this to a bunch of strangers. |
Anonymous
| Have you told your husband how you feel about his reactions to your somewhat recent growth and self-actualization? You yourself say you feell like a different person. If YOU feel like that, there's a good chance he feels that way about you too and it is probably disorienting for his life partner to change so much. Give him a chance to come along the ride with you. Maybe he feels some of the same things you did. Maybe his knee jerk attempts to undercut your progress are coming from a place of insecurity and confusion about his world changing. Most people wish they had different or more experiences at certain points in their life. You need to make peace with it. Keep up with therapy. Invite and involve your husband. Having a failed marriage with children involved isn't going to help your ongoing work to overcome your trauma. If you end up divorced, please make sure can tell yourself that you gave it your best try. I'm sorry you had to experience a youth dominated by a terrible mother. |
Anonymous
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Sorry you experienced this growing but I'm so happy you feel like you are in now in a good place
Nothing you can do about the past, however your future is fully in your hands. Whether your happiness/life satisfaction is important enough to you to sustain the uncomfortable but necessary step of leaving somebody who clearly doesn't fit with your life anymore, is fully within your control now Early 40s is still young. Still plenty of time for "fun" experiences. Unsure that will fill your cup, but, maybe you can find true love along the way. You seem like a good candidate for "open marriage" only because I think it'll reset your husband / get him in check. But it may be easier just to leave. Or just keep sleepwalking to maintain optics or "for your kids" oh well it's only your life after all lol |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry OP. Are you still in therapy? What does your therapist say about all of this? I will say that it seems like you have an idealized notion of what teenage/college years are like for most people. Yes, there are fun times, and I think that's what people choose to remember, but they are really hard, awkward years for a lot of people too. I can honestly say I'm much happier with the stability and confidence I have in adult life.
Also, have you and your DH tried couples therapy? I don't know anything about him, of course, but one thought is that he sees/hears you regretting the life you've had with him so far and he is reacting how he is (cutting you down) out of pain from that, or in a sad attempt to keep you from growing beyond him. Do you think there is any chance you two could grow together and have new experiences both as individuals and as a couple? |
Anonymous
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OP I have a very similar background- mentally ill mother and married DH at 23.
It sounds like you are looking for justifications to leave DH so that you can relive your 20s and have sex with other men. Good luck with that, I guess? I say this with complete kindness but honestly it doesn’t sound like you have really worked through anything. Just because you had a sh** childhood doesn’t mean you don’t own your actual choices that you made as an adult. Yes, you mourn what could have been if your family life had been better but you don’t dwell on that at all times. I don’t feel bad that I didn’t party in my 20s- I was an adult and I made a different choice and I own that choice. There may have been a lot of miserable times in your life but if you continue to play the victim you are choosing to stay miserable for no reason. Fix your marriage and move forward with your life. Or get divorced but understand that “true love” may never happen for you. |
Anonymous
| What does your boyfriend say about all this? |
Anonymous
| Sounds like a midlife crisis that is intensified by OP's sense that she missed out on earlier stages of life mixed with trying to overcome trauma. I think she's as risk of blowing up her life even more. |
Anonymous
| Why not try and do fun stuff with your husband and kids? Travel and explore. |
Anonymous
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Ok wow. OP here. First off, I’m not really sure why the take is that I want to go crazy and sleep with a bunch of people? I mourn it yes-but at this stage in my life it’s mourning-not yearning. I simply don’t have the personality for that (but no judgment). And yeah-there is definitely no boyfriend? So no idea what that comment is about.
My husband thinks therapy is worthless so no-he is not open to it as I’ve tried to talk to him about it several times. Although he always says he is happy that it is helping me-he is not interested in being part of it. And obviously he is not happy it’s helping me since he keeps trying to cut me back down. And yes I’m still in therapy. My therapist really tries to stay neutral on the marriage front but does agree his comments are purposeful and intended to undo some work. |
Anonymous
| What are the comments that your husband makes? Do you have specific instances and words? |
Anonymous
Really try hard to get DH into couples counseling with you. I’ve done individual therapy and couples counseling and individual therapy has real limitations, particularly when you are giving your therapist your view of your spouse. It lets you stay in “victim” mode and your spouse isn’t there to advocate for themselves and their point of view. You have a real role in your marriage and its potential dissolution and like your earlier life choices, you need to own it. |
Anonymous
Then call him out. Voice your suspicion of what is motivating his behavior. Or challenge him to examine his own behavior and talk about what's at the root of it. I mean, if you're constantly bemoaning "all the wasted years" it's not terribly difficult to imagine that your husband is feeling as if you think "he" and even your children are part of that wasted calculation. It's great that you're working on yourself, but be mindful of those who are in your wake. |
Anonymous
I don’t talk to my husband about how I feel about the wasted years. Really I don’t talk to him about this situation other than very general comments about how therapy has been good etc…he is reacting to me 1. Having confidence. 2. Having a lot of friends and a much more active social life because of that. |
Anonymous
| Do you think you're a good mother, OP? |
Anonymous
Yes. I have worked really hard to be the best mother I can. My kids seem happy and well adjusted. Although, I’m not sure why you asked this question? It kind of seems that you were trying to be hurtful in some way since it’s completely out of context. But regardless, I guess I should be used to that with this site. |