Mourning all the wasted years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, therapy should be helping you to integrate your experiences.

Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.

You have projected your DH into the role of your mother and are continuing the same victim/thought patterns. He likely feels entirely different than you surmise. After so many years together he likely loves and is worried for you and what sounds very much like a midlife crisis. Find a new therapist, start fresh, say you want to avoid a midlife crisis and go from there.

I hope this is a troll post.

You may well end up hurting your own children tremendously, the family pattern is repeating. You are not "evolving" into a well adjusted midlife adult, but sound like a teen yourself. With a burn it all down mentality. The "new friends" don't sound like any stable happily married adults I know. Talking about "fun random sex" is not emotionally connecting, I suspect these relationships are somewhat shallow with somewhat unhealthy people. A younger you avoided such people and built a healthy life. Ironic now you may blow it iall up.

This. Exactly. I watched a friend who had a midlife crisis exactly like you describe burn down her entire life for this teenage notion. She lost the house, husband ended up divorcing her, she was humiliated by the men she slept with on the side and now is her 50s with college age kids who weee deeply harmed by it all.

It’s where the “grass is not greener” dating really applies.

Watch who you are hanging out with, OP. Other adults glamorizing random sex and online dating and affairs when you are married with kids, is not the crowd you need to be with. It’s a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

^ saying, not dating

[Anonymous]

https://psychcentral.com/bipolar/bipolar-disorder-and-sex#libido-nuances

https://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-disorder-and-sex.aspx

What you are projecting onto your marriage and family is likely untreated mental illness, the same one your mother had. You need to see an experienced psychiatrist. The stories you tell yourself and your therapist may well change with more stable moods. Perimenopause can really amplify underlying psychiatric issues.

"Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder in which a person experiences drastic mood swings — from feeling elated, energetic, and risky to feeling sad and disinterested. These mood swings, called episodes of mania and depression, are the classic signs of bipolar disorder.

When someone with bipolar disorder is having a manic episode, impulsive, reckless sexual behaviors and significantly increased sex drive are quite common. Such hypersexual behavior is often a warning sign of a manic episode."

You may not be quite at the point of behavior but you are trending that way. Your thought patterns are not those of a healthy middle aged person. The focus on sex is a clue, OP. Seek better help, starting with a medical doctor.

If not a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, therapy should be helping you to integrate your experiences.

Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.

You have projected your DH into the role of your mother and are continuing the same victim/thought patterns. He likely feels entirely different than you surmise. After so many years together he likely loves and is worried for you and what sounds very much like a midlife crisis. Find a new therapist, start fresh, say you want to avoid a midlife crisis and go from there.

I hope this is a troll post.

You may well end up hurting your own children tremendously, the family pattern is repeating. You are not "evolving" into a well adjusted midlife adult, but sound like a teen yourself. With a burn it all down mentality. The "new friends" don't sound like any stable happily married adults I know. Talking about "fun random sex" is not emotionally connecting, I suspect these relationships are somewhat shallow with somewhat unhealthy people. A younger you avoided such people and built a healthy life. Ironic now you may blow it iall up.

I’m leaning toward troll. Bit off more than they can chew again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a midlife crisis that is intensified by OP's sense that she missed out on earlier stages of life mixed with trying to overcome trauma. I think she's as risk of blowing up her life even more.

Or.

She’s realized that she’s created a life on a foundation of trauma and is actually quite toxic for her.

WTF does that even mean?

OP (if not a troll, sigh) is stuck in a victim mentality and now wants to be her husband’s victim. It’s basically a mid life crisis.

She is not stuck. She is simply where she is today. She is seeing how her past trauma informed her decision-making and understanding the impacts.

What she is realizing is that personal growth does translate to better relationships. In fact, they can be massively destabilising. And that’s is a really tough realization and takes time to process.

What OP may be discovering is that her relationship is based on a foundation where she sacrificed needs she wasn’t even aware she had, like intimacy. And now she’s asking for her needs to be met and her DH isn’t showing up.

Ultimately she’ll need to decide whether she accepts that her DH won’t change and her marriage is what it is. Or she’ll have to end it and accept the risk and responsibility that comes from ending the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you please give us some examples of your mother's behavior? It is hard to imagine what prompted such a trauma.

How are your children dealing with grandma?

No.

She does not need to give examples of traumas to be picked apart by those like you who love trauma p-rn.

I can imagine and so can the others here who had crappy childhoods. We don’t need OP to list examples.

If you can’t understand, move along.

Don’t bother sock puppeting this badly, adjacent your pick-and-choose angry responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To answer some questions: my kids are still at home. They are teenagers. And yes-I probably am a little jealous that they had and will have typical teenage/college lives. But even though I’m a little jealous for sure-it makes me happy that they will get that.

It’s interesting to me that many many responders seem to be so focused on what I said about sex. It was one thing I said yet it seems to be the most focused on. I never said that’s what I want to do now. I was simply saying that I am sad I never had the experiences that others have. Not really sure how that got interpreted the way that it clearly did-that it’s somehow what I want to go out and do now.

#ODD Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok wow. OP here. First off, I’m not really sure why the take is that I want to go crazy and sleep with a bunch of people? I mourn it yes-but at this stage in my life it’s mourning-not yearning. I simply don’t have the personality for that (but no judgment). And yeah-there is definitely no boyfriend? So no idea what that comment is about.

My husband thinks therapy is worthless so no-he is not open to it as I’ve tried to talk to him about it several times. Although he always says he is happy that it is helping me-he is not interested in being part of it. And obviously he is not happy it’s helping me since he keeps trying to cut me back down. And yes I’m still in therapy. My therapist really tries to stay neutral on the marriage front but does agree his comments are purposeful and intended to undo some work.

Did you read your own post? LOL

Yes. Did you read it?

Fiesty look OP. Interesting, reminds us of a Troll we know here.

+1. It’s our relationship troll.

Seems that way...

+1. With 5+ personalities and imposter postings this thread!

[Anonymous]

You're having a midlife crisis, nothing new here.

[Anonymous]

You can’t really think these years of building a stable family and career are “wasted” and worth “mourning?” You have what most people dream of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t really think these years of building a stable family and career are “wasted” and worth “mourning?” You have what most people dream of.

Midlife crisis. Plenty of people even do the things you say you missed out on and still blow up their lives midlife because they have no for sight. They get in a vicious cycle of navel gazing and go down a deep hole of negativity about everything in their current life. Too much dreaming. When you start becoming hypercritical, you fail to see all the hood there is….until it’s all gone because you acted on stupid teenage impulses. Therapy might be reinforcing all the wrong things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, therapy should be helping you to integrate your experiences.

Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.

You have projected your DH into the role of your mother and are continuing the same victim/thought patterns. He likely feels entirely different than you surmise. After so many years together he likely loves and is worried for you and what sounds very much like a midlife crisis. Find a new therapist, start fresh, say you want to avoid a midlife crisis and go from there.

I hope this is a troll post.

You may well end up hurting your own children tremendously, the family pattern is repeating. You are not "evolving" into a well adjusted midlife adult, but sound like a teen yourself. With a burn it all down mentality. The "new friends" don't sound like any stable happily married adults I know. Talking about "fun random sex" is not emotionally connecting, I suspect these relationships are somewhat shallow with somewhat unhealthy people. A younger you avoided such people and built a healthy life. Ironic now you may blow it iall up.

This. Exactly. I watched a friend who had a midlife crisis exactly like you describe burn down her entire life for this teenage notion. She lost the house, husband ended up divorcing her, she was humiliated by the men she slept with on the side and now is her 50s with college age kids who weee deeply harmed by it all.

It’s where the “grass is not greener” dating really applies.

Watch who you are hanging out with, OP. Other adults glamorizing random sex and online dating and affairs when you are married with kids, is not the crowd you need to be with. It’s a recipe for disaster.

100%

Find better people to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I’m really confused about some of the things that have been assumed here. Specifically things that have been repeated as if I said them when I didn’t?

For example: the friends I hang out with are all other married women. And they are not talking about having affairs or doing anything else crazy. I’m not sure at all why multiple posters keep mentioning that 1. There is a man involved. 2. That these friends are pushing me to do crazy these things to ruin my life. On the contrary-these are probably the most stable/normal friends I have ever had.

Also-when I am talking about wasted years I am certainly not implying the time having/raising my kids have been wasted. I’m talking about the time before that. Obviously I didn’t make that clear enough as multiple posters have mentioned that is what I must be referring to.

Also, the Multiple posters that have said I must be manic, that I clearly have mental illness like my mother etc…honestly do you not think I have spent my entire life monitoring myself because of this fear? It makes me think you have never known a child of a parent with mental illness. I have been to many a NAMI meeting and can tell you that this is something I have watched for my entire life. And also-these are feelings. I haven’t “done” anything.

But anyway, those of you have said everyone has regrets and that I have what many people want and that I should be grateful is true. And I do try to remind myself of that. I know I don’t have a bad life. I never said that I did? I just don’t like feeling like I have grown and all the sudden my husband feels like he needs to keep me down. And maybe he is scared. Because I had low self esteem pretty much our entire relationship until recently and clearly he liked it like that. And I do push back. And he just kind of shakes his head and walks away. I guess we will see how it all plays out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your boyfriend say about all this?

Ooooh! you hit the nail on the head!

My guess was - OP is having her hormonal sexual surge of 40s. She can make her married life great or she can make it worthless. I believe her past trauma will see her squander her marriage. Therapy will not work. Lelo will.

[Anonymous]

Ufff, your poor husband and children!!