Mourning all the wasted years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To answer some questions: my kids are still at home. They are teenagers. And yes-I probably am a little jealous that they had and will have typical teenage/college lives. But even though I’m a little jealous for sure-it makes me happy that they will get that.

It’s interesting to me that many many responders seem to be so focused on what I said about sex. It was one thing I said yet it seems to be the most focused on. I never said that’s what I want to do now. I was simply saying that I am sad I never had the experiences that others have. Not really sure how that got interpreted the way that it clearly did-that it’s somehow what I want to go out and do now.

Comparison is the thief of joy OP. You mourn the life you now think you deserve without recognizing that there’s no way at all to know how it could have been if you didn’t take the path you’re currently on. There are women your age who never found a partner, women who suffer from infidelity, women in relationships with abusers, women dealing with chronic illnesses. Flip the script and be thankful for what you have.

From the outside it seems like you are having a midlife crisis and have either met someone you’re interested in or thinking of heading down that road. You’re starting to justify your feelings by re-writing your history. You mention awesome new friends in your first post. I’d bet one of those awesome new friends is a single man who is paying attention to you and complimenting you. I recognize your behavior because I was you about eight years ago.

Ooh what happened pp?

I recognize OP’s thinking too. I came perilously close to blowing up my life over it but therapy pulled me back. I would have divorced DH if not for couples counseling so I think Op really needs it.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, we are kindred spirits. I had a similar traumatic childhood with two mentally ill, addict, abusive parents. It really messed me up, I had zero self esteem and in friendships and relationships alike I allowed myself to be exploited and manipulated because it was the only model I knew. I was also the person at college who rarely went to parties or did fun activities - I was the sober friend who left the library at 2am to pick up all my drunk friends from the bar and drop them home. I was always seeking more ways to achieve academically and be a standout - I spent 10 years in higher education, it was one of the most rewarding periods of my life and I realize now after doing a few years of very good therapy and working through a lot of my childhood trauma - by working through I mean coming to understand how it influenced everything else in my life - that my time at university was a kind of addiction, where I sought out professors I admired and worked my rear off to impress them and get the praise I never got as a child, even though I was a much better behaved than typical child.

I never married, because I kept having relationships that seemed okay to begin with and then I recognized were some version of me trying to work through stuff with a partner who behaved in ways similar to my parents. Now I know a lot better, but I'm in menopause and couldn't care less about having a partner - I feel like I owe myself the rest of my life and owe myself the majority of my love.

I wonder if the dependent love you referenced is a codependent love? Has your husband maybe always treated you a certain way, but it's only now that you've done the work to grapple with your childhood trauma that you are recognizing how he speaks to you in a way that undermines you, that it isn't new but that your eyes are newly open to it? In any case it's concerning that he is so resistant to the possibility of couple's therapy, or doing any work at all on himself and the relationship. That's not a healthy mindset and it raises red flags in my mind.

Anyway I just wanted to post and say, I get you. I have a lot of regret about how I lived the first four decades of my life, and how that was shaped by the toxicity I experienced as a child. I've accomplished a lot and I like the person I am now, but I can't help thinking about what I might have been or accomplished if I'd had loving parents who encouraged me and built me up instead of tearing me down on a daily basis.

I'm glad you see that you did a good job with your children and that you have pride in that - that's a big thing. Beyond that, I would urge you to work hard on letting go of the regret. It's over done with gone, there is no changing the past and every moment you spend regretting is a moment lost that could be spent at peace or in joy. I know that's not always easy to keep in mind, it's one of the great struggles of being human. Work on mindfulness and acceptance.

But I would not encourage you to accept your husband's denigration. If he won't acknowledge how damaging that is - not only to you, but to your kids if they are hearing the things he's saying to you - then it might be that your marriage was for a season and not for a lifetime. It might have served you when you were still that abused kid and he was a nicer alternative to what you experienced at home, but now that you are not that abused kid and you have confidence and you are seeing his behavior as harmful, it might be that you have to move on if he isn't open at all to growth and accountability.

40s is still young. You could have another 40-50 years ahead of you. Keep growing.

[Anonymous]

You want to CRY because you did not have sex with randos?

You see the years building a stable adult life and family as "wasted?"

I think you have a lot of unprocessed grief still about real issues, not lack of hook ups, and a lot of delayed development. Over romanticizing hook ups with randos.

OP, have your thought of investing energy in regular standing date nights with your husband to try to generate feelings of romance and connection? Very typical at your life stage, trauma aside. The background of chaotic attachment IS likely why you are setting up a "better" parallel life.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m with you but the abusivr parent was more my dad. In my early 40s the mis life crisis hit hard including understanding my dad molested me and how that impacted my first romantic relationship. I had panic attacks for years without understanding why so I completely understand where you are.

I stayed with my husband though I started doing solo hikes and took a few vacations without my husband to get some space. Now nearing 48 I am much more relaxed and calm about it all.

Those weren’t lost years OP or I don’t see them as that now for myself I had to survive and learn to adult as best I could without parental or family back up. I did it and now I look back and see that as the survivor me.: something to be proud of, not hide.

When I’m feeling like you my favorite song it Tracy Chapman’s At this Point in my Life because it is so beautiful at modeling how to say I sucked and will suck again but right now in this moment I’m still trying and accepting the love I have been given and will give is imperfect. This may not help you, but I hope you find something that gives you peace. The struggle is in you you do you and give your DH room to adapt to the grown you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, we are kindred spirits. I had a similar traumatic childhood with two mentally ill, addict, abusive parents. It really messed me up, I had zero self esteem and in friendships and relationships alike I allowed myself to be exploited and manipulated because it was the only model I knew. I was also the person at college who rarely went to parties or did fun activities - I was the sober friend who left the library at 2am to pick up all my drunk friends from the bar and drop them home. I was always seeking more ways to achieve academically and be a standout - I spent 10 years in higher education, it was one of the most rewarding periods of my life and I realize now after doing a few years of very good therapy and working through a lot of my childhood trauma - by working through I mean coming to understand how it influenced everything else in my life - that my time at university was a kind of addiction, where I sought out professors I admired and worked my rear off to impress them and get the praise I never got as a child, even though I was a much better behaved than typical child.

I never married, because I kept having relationships that seemed okay to begin with and then I recognized were some version of me trying to work through stuff with a partner who behaved in ways similar to my parents. Now I know a lot better, but I'm in menopause and couldn't care less about having a partner - I feel like I owe myself the rest of my life and owe myself the majority of my love.

I wonder if the dependent love you referenced is a codependent love? Has your husband maybe always treated you a certain way, but it's only now that you've done the work to grapple with your childhood trauma that you are recognizing how he speaks to you in a way that undermines you, that it isn't new but that your eyes are newly open to it? In any case it's concerning that he is so resistant to the possibility of couple's therapy, or doing any work at all on himself and the relationship. That's not a healthy mindset and it raises red flags in my mind.

Anyway I just wanted to post and say, I get you. I have a lot of regret about how I lived the first four decades of my life, and how that was shaped by the toxicity I experienced as a child. I've accomplished a lot and I like the person I am now, but I can't help thinking about what I might have been or accomplished if I'd had loving parents who encouraged me and built me up instead of tearing me down on a daily basis.

I'm glad you see that you did a good job with your children and that you have pride in that - that's a big thing. Beyond that, I would urge you to work hard on letting go of the regret. It's over done with gone, there is no changing the past and every moment you spend regretting is a moment lost that could be spent at peace or in joy. I know that's not always easy to keep in mind, it's one of the great struggles of being human. Work on mindfulness and acceptance.

But I would not encourage you to accept your husband's denigration. If he won't acknowledge how damaging that is - not only to you, but to your kids if they are hearing the things he's saying to you - then it might be that your marriage was for a season and not for a lifetime. It might have served you when you were still that abused kid and he was a nicer alternative to what you experienced at home, but now that you are not that abused kid and you have confidence and you are seeing his behavior as harmful, it might be that you have to move on if he isn't open at all to growth and accountability.

40s is still young. You could have another 40-50 years ahead of you. Keep growing.

Op here. Thank you for this. I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I’m turning 60 and feel the way you feel. I wish I could dial the clock back to my early 40’s and feel like I have so much time in front of me. Your life is not half over. It is just beginning if you have the right attitude. I wish I was early 40’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok wow. OP here. First off, I’m not really sure why the take is that I want to go crazy and sleep with a bunch of people? I mourn it yes-but at this stage in my life it’s mourning-not yearning. I simply don’t have the personality for that (but no judgment). And yeah-there is definitely no boyfriend? So no idea what that comment is about.

My husband thinks therapy is worthless so no-he is not open to it as I’ve tried to talk to him about it several times. Although he always says he is happy that it is helping me-he is not interested in being part of it. And obviously he is not happy it’s helping me since he keeps trying to cut me back down. And yes I’m still in therapy. My therapist really tries to stay neutral on the marriage front but does agree his comments are purposeful and intended to undo some work.

Did you read your own post? LOL

Yes. Did you read it?

Fiesty look OP. Interesting, reminds us of a Troll we know here.

+1. It’s our relationship troll.

Seems that way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not try and do fun stuff with your husband and kids? Travel and explore.

You sound like a success job wise and college wise.

Just keep moving FW. Glad you understand your childhood. Though I hardly believe a parent who made you study hard is mental disordered. Was dad out of the picture?
Do you really think of high school as only supposed to be “fun”? It’s not without social or academic stress, OP.

Now your spouse needs to move FW too with your relationship and children (??), etc. Tell him your goals - travel, fun, friends, house/kids/him- and all move FW.

I don’t know who you are responding to but this is the OP. Um-my mom did not make me study hard. My mom didn’t have any idea what was going on at school and took absolutely no interest in any part of my life. I studied hard to get out from her control. That was my own decision. Honestly you think I was talking about being forced to study hard as trauma? My mother has about 4 different diagnoses and was hospitalized probably 5-6 times. She was abusive to my siblings and I from the time I have memories.

And no there was no dad in the picture. I had 3 siblings and I assume all of us had different fathers. None of us knew who they were.

How have you processed this in therapy? How have you unpacked how it impacts your relationship with your DH?

[Anonymous]

Tell us who it is you have your eye on, OP. Your devaluation of your marriage and family as "wasted years" is a set up to an affair and/or divorce. Or a troll.

Wanting to "cry" about not having meaningless one night stands suggests unresolved trauma and/or genetic mental illness. With your mother so ill, would be unlikely if you escaped all mood stability issues yourself.

I'd see a psychiatrist. And find a new therapist, one with Gottman training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell us who it is you have your eye on, OP. Your devaluation of your marriage and family as "wasted years" is a set up to an affair and/or divorce. Or a troll.

Wanting to "cry" about not having meaningless one night stands suggests unresolved trauma and/or genetic mental illness. With your mother so ill, would be unlikely if you escaped all mood stability issues yourself.

I'd see a psychiatrist. And find a new therapist, one with Gottman training.

+1. It is the start of the justification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Complicated, but basically I grew up with a devastating amount of childhood trauma from my very mentally Ill mother. It basically shattered my self esteem, gave me serious anxiety and made me hate myself. I spent my entire older teenage/early twenties life simply trying to survive until I could get out from under her control completely. She was manipulative and basically gave me coping mechanisms that although helped me survive my trauma-have ruined many things for me.

I had relationships but my low self esteem/terrible insecurity basically messed up any chance of normal relationships. I met my husband when I was 22 and he felt like a way out. Although I had picked a career path that was lucrative (very on purpose to make sure I could always take care/support myself)-he was on an even more impressive path. We started life together very quickly after graduating professional school and got married and started having kids very young. I love him deeply but as time has gone on I realize that it is/was a dependent love and not true love.

Over the last 5 years or so (I’m in my early 40s) I’ve done intense therapy and really started working on myself. And now I feel so different. I feel like a different person. I finally have confidence and actually like myself and have made awesome friends and generally just feel like an actual person finally. My husband, instead of being happy for me, cuts me down and makes comments to try and keep me the way I was. Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.

But more than that I’m so sad that half my life is over and I feel like I didn’t live at all. I didn’t have “fun teenage years” or “fun college years”. I spent those years so terrified of being under my mothers control that I was 100% focused on making good grades and getting out. I mourn the life I should have had. The experiences I should have had. I should have had more relationship experience where I wasn’t so messed up that I could learn what I wanted from those kind of relationships.

Sometimes when friends talk about all the fun/experiences/random fun sex they had I just want to cry. Because I should have had that. And now I never will. That window of life is over for me and it makes me want to scream.

I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I don't even know what my question is. I guess I just needed to tell this to a bunch of strangers.

You are on a slippery slope here, OP. Having dealt with a spouse that went through a mid life crisis, blew her family up, and had a mental breakdown, this all sounds too familiar. You may not talk about how you're "mourning all the missed years" to your DH, but I can guarantee he feels your dissatisfaction. How do you think that makes him feel. Insecure, maybe? His comments are likely a result.

Therapy can be a double edged sword. As a PP pointed out, your therapist is only getting one very colored side of the story. Let's just say you did get to have all those experiences, and let's say that as a result you never "found" anyone, didn't get married, never had kids, etc. Would that have been better for you? I don't mean to be harsh, but snap out of it, OP. Appreciate what you have now, the past is the past, ruminating over what could have been, and how your life is half over is a fast ticket to a mid-life crisis. You're life isn't half empty, it's half full. Change your brain. Your DH is not the issue.

Are you still married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, therapy should be helping you to integrate your experiences.

Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.

You have projected your DH into the role of your mother and are continuing the same victim/thought patterns. He likely feels entirely different than you surmise. After so many years together he likely loves and is worried for you and what sounds very much like a midlife crisis. Find a new therapist, start fresh, say you want to avoid a midlife crisis and go from there.

I hope this is a troll post.

You may well end up hurting your own children tremendously, the family pattern is repeating. You are not "evolving" into a well adjusted midlife adult, but sound like a teen yourself. With a burn it all down mentality. The "new friends" don't sound like any stable happily married adults I know. Talking about "fun random sex" is not emotionally connecting, I suspect these relationships are somewhat shallow with somewhat unhealthy people. A younger you avoided such people and built a healthy life. Ironic now you may blow it iall up.

This. Exactly. I watched a friend who had a midlife crisis exactly like you describe burn down her entire life for this teenage notion. She lost the house, husband ended up divorcing her, she was humiliated by the men she slept with on the side and now is her 50s with college age kids who weee deeply harmed by it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate, I have cPTSD from a horrible mother myself and often think about what could have been.

But you must know most of us aren't out here having a whole hell of a lot of "random fun sex," right?

Sorry to say, but my daughter and her female friends experienced a lit of sexual assault and harassment in college - it's not all fun and games.

As for my son, his college involves a lot of heavy drinking, wandering around from party to party, and other general dumbness.

Not sure either of them are having the idealized experience you seem to pine for.

It's true that you missed a lot because of your mom. Many of us do - in general I think the work of adulthood is to undo the damage done to us by our parents. Even the best, well-meaning parents do damage because we are human and imperfect.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids will hate you for recreating the unstable family you came from.

Your mom was the chaos vector, now it's you with the power play.

If not a troll, your romanticizing casual sex and describing your adulthood and family life as "wasted years" is extremely pathological. It sounds like you may be cycling in and out of mania and surrounding yourself with unstable people. Healthy people in midlife are not glorifying one night stands or wanting to "cry" about missing them.

You have become your mother, chaotic, selfish, self justifying, destructive of key human bonds, with an untreated mental illness and mood disorder. Lots more work to do, OP. Start with a good psychiatrist. Mood disorders in perimenopause are real and you have the genetic background. Blowing up your life is not a recommended treatment and glorifying risk taking behavior that is not healthy is a slippery slope.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8475932/

A literature review in PsycInfo Ovid of records pertaining to first-onset mood disorders during perimenopause showed that this multifactorial process involves hormonal fluctuations, with estrogen being a key player. In addition, vasomotor symptoms, previous negative life events, and socioeconomic status were found to contribute to first-onset mood disorders during perimenopause. Treatment options include established medication regimens for psychiatric conditions; however, hormone therapy also has proven beneficial for this patient population.

You may also want to listen to

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/01/27/1227062470/keto-ketogenic-diet-mental-illness-bipolar-depression

Your therapy focusing on self esteem seems to be missing mental illness and trauma repetition patterns. Get better help, OP, if you are not a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post really resonated with me. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mom had mental health issues. I was completely closed off to drinking, sex, and a lot of the youthful indiscretions i saw my peers engaged in. I'm now 40, and i still get pangs of sadness and regret when i hear stories from my friends' past. It seems so normal and fun.

I try to remind myself that i may have missed out on some fun but i also likely saved myself from a lot of heartache and potentially life-altering consequences. Also, when i really think about it, it's not the sex/drugs/rock and roll that i missed--it was the freedom to develop my own identity and interests, and that chance never expires! I'm trying to embrace it now. Good luck. I think it's great that you are exploring these feelings.

Or you could have had all those experiences like my spouse did with save family background and still end up with a major midlife crisis and blow up your life.

This is to say, I agree. And, OP could have had all that random sex and freedom in HS/college and not been “cured” from her upbringing.