Mourning all the wasted years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I’m really confused about some of the things that have been assumed here. Specifically things that have been repeated as if I said them when I didn’t?

For example: the friends I hang out with are all other married women. And they are not talking about having affairs or doing anything else crazy. I’m not sure at all why multiple posters keep mentioning that 1. There is a man involved. 2. That these friends are pushing me to do crazy these things to ruin my life. On the contrary-these are probably the most stable/normal friends I have ever had.

Also-when I am talking about wasted years I am certainly not implying the time having/raising my kids have been wasted. I’m talking about the time before that. Obviously I didn’t make that clear enough as multiple posters have mentioned that is what I must be referring to.

Also, the Multiple posters that have said I must be manic, that I clearly have mental illness like my mother etc…honestly do you not think I have spent my entire life monitoring myself because of this fear? It makes me think you have never known a child of a parent with mental illness. I have been to many a NAMI meeting and can tell you that this is something I have watched for my entire life. And also-these are feelings. I haven’t “done” anything.

But anyway, those of you have said everyone has regrets and that I have what many people want and that I should be grateful is true. And I do try to remind myself of that. I know I don’t have a bad life. I never said that I did? I just don’t like feeling like I have grown and all the sudden my husband feels like he needs to keep me down. And maybe he is scared. Because I had low self esteem pretty much our entire relationship until recently and clearly he liked it like that. And I do push back. And he just kind of shakes his head and walks away. I guess we will see how it all plays out.

OP there is a very real possibility here that your husband is annoyed with you because you are actually annoying. Please don’t discount that.

I am not joking or being mean, I am 100% serious. Often when our spouses are frustrated with us it is because we are being frustrating. We’ve only seen your side of the story but I’m sure your husband would have his own point of view and explanation. You can’t even seem to articulate what he’s done that is so bad. In fact, I find you kind of annoying and I’ve only read three of your online posts.

Get yourselves in couples counselling before you ruin your marriage over nothing.

[Anonymous]

"Fun teenage years" and "fun college years".
OP does sound annoying.
The only people I know who had "fun" during those years amounted to, a best, administrative assistants who married losers and have no children.

[Anonymous]

Love some examples of what and how OP is “pushing back at things” with her husband.

[Anonymous]

You never said you had a bad life, but the title of your thread is “mourning all the wasted years.” You’re very defensive, OP but there’s been a near-unanimous response to your thread, and that’s something. You’ve gotten a lot of thoughtful feedback.

I think in refusing to give any examples, your account has lost some potency, perhaps.

[Anonymous]

Noone’s life is a fairy tale. If you’re going through hell, keep going. You already did once, you can do it again with this minor annoyance of a regretful period. You can sulk but don’t blow up your life over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never said you had a bad life, but the title of your thread is “mourning all the wasted years.” You’re very defensive, OP but there’s been a near-unanimous response to your thread, and that’s something. You’ve gotten a lot of thoughtful feedback.

I think in refusing to give any examples, your account has lost some potency, perhaps.

I also think it goes to show how unreliable her issues with her husband are. If this is how she acts in real life, of course he is annoyed!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I wrote the long response to you and just checked in again to see where this thread went.

I encourage you to ignore 90% of the snarky ugly replies to this thread. Most of them are written by bitter unhappy women who are posting elsewhere on this board criticizing their husbands endlessly. They just love to tear people down and you made yourself vulnerable in your opening post, which is like chum in the water to these ugly sharks.

Keep working with your therapist, keep growing. Keep pushing back on your husband’s critical and negative comments - reading more posts from you I’m even more convinced that you’ve been taking shit in a codependent relationship because of the experience of your childhood and yes, your husband is feeling threatened by your newfound confidence and unwilling to eat his crap anymore. HE needs to work on himself, and he needs to agree to marital counseling. If he doesn’t, believe me it won’t get better and you’ll wake up 20 years from now with an even more negative and critical partner because that is how 99% of these men get with age - meaner, crankier, more critical of their spouse’s happiness.

Be well. Stand strong. Ignore the DCUM harpies.

[Anonymous]

Work troll thread ever

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you regret marrying so young and your husband is taking that personally.

[Anonymous]

I’ve certainly had fun times but not fun years in HS and college. I studied hard, had part time jobs and both were a grind but I did have some fun. It’s been the same with the next 25 years with plenty of fun times but with a ton of hard work. I do my best to remember the good times and try to forget the hard times. Life is a never ending struggle punctuated by periods of happiness and you can’t let the struggles dominate your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Fun teenage years" and "fun college years".
OP does sound annoying.
The only people I know who had "fun" during those years amounted to, a best, administrative assistants who married losers and have no children.

Wow. You don't sound mentally OK yourself.

What she means by fun years is exploring who you are, being free to pursue what interests you, making mistakes and recovering from them. Normal life stuff.

Unfortunately for people who start like OP, it takes half a life time to be ok with a lot of effort, and some are still not OK. Others who were raised in emotionally healthier conditions, don't have this uphill battle. They are able to build up their lives, while those like OP have to fill the huge holes (continuing the construction analogy) to make sure the ground is even and sound before they can ever start building something.

OP, it's not fair that different people get a different start in life. But take pride and comfort that in your family it stops with you and you won't pass this on to the next generation. It's huge, and you're a strong and wise person to have done all this work.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think therapy has helped you have closer emotional bonds and more secure attachments with the family you have created? How has it benefited your mothering?

What people are picking up on is the mourning lack of casual hook ups and vilifying your DH.

Re: company you keep, not sure these are genuinely healthy folks if they sit around reminiscing about casual sex decades ago. Most in midlife are worried about career, launching kids, aging extended family. None of us get to go back and be teenagers again, you do sound like you are having a midlife crisis. The hormonal shifts may also be playing a role.

[Anonymous]

I had a devastatingly sad childhood and married my college sweetheart, too. He didn’t like it when I was working for someone else full time, but when I started my own business and had more time for him, he’s been very supportive.

Men can be very childish when they aren’t getting the thing they want. For some, it’s sex, for others, economic superiority, for others still, it’s economic dependency.

None of this has to do with your childhood. You’re just straight.

Everything looks better from the outside in, and people romanticize the past. People who chase after romanticized memories are a different kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

Wise words, PP.

OP, if being a good mother is important to you, love their dad.

Be happy and proud of what the 2 of your have built and provided. None of us know how long we have, to be wallowing in "mourning" and resentment is squandering the better years you have been lucky enough to achieve.

When adults your kids will remember your moodiness and parallel life with "cooler" friends and plans, and how you seemed to see their family life as "wasted years" kids pick up on vibes. It's not modeling healthy attachment or healthy marriage. You've got some more work to do, do it in Gottman trained couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Wait, op, where and how are you finding all these sexual awesome friends and where is your husband? Why aren't you giving him all that sexy energy or why didn’t you divorce him? Really not nice of you to expect him to be into your self indulgence no matter what fancy therapy speak you put on it. No wonder too he isn’t into therapy, your post put me off therapy if this is the advice they give out.
Also, why would you want to slut it up knowing or thinking your mom’s behavior damaged you? You have a husband, you have access to sex, if you don’t like him, end the marriage.
He’s also probably worried about what your behavior might do to the kids. Kids need a mom and dad and you aren’t dead. Why not enjoy your husband and kids and stop viewing them as wasted years? I’d be furious if my husband said that to me to the point I might just divorce him, why stay where I’m not wanted.
You’d have been better served learning how to be a married lady, op. Courting looks different when you are married, that is some of the best advice I ever got. Dates look different when you are married. You spend your time differently. Sex should still be awesome, I don’t worry about pregnancy. My husband is stable, no need to worry about my performance.
Outside of the bedroom, I can say things to him I’d not be able to say if he were a boyfriend. Likewise, I can care for him in a way I couldn’t and wouldn’t if he were just a boyfriend. For example, I can cook dinner tonight and I’m “being nice to my husband” v. “Trying to impress a guy”. Same act, different attitude.
Pull yourself together, op.