Mourning all the wasted years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the comments that your husband makes? Do you have specific instances and words?

I’m not going to give specifics. But basically they are comments that are sarcastic sometimes about what I’m doing (along the lines of making some comment about me all the sudden having a life etc…). They range in their subject matter but they are always meant to hurt.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by saying your marriage is a dependent marriage vs. true love? Most long-term couples have marriage 1.0, marriage 2.0, etc. TO THE SAME PERSON. It is very common for one spouse's growth to destablize a relationship, and that it not necessarily your fault and you may or may not be able to keep the marriage. But if I was your spouse, I would certainly have my defenses up if it seemed like you were viewing our past as dependent, fake, or somehow less than. If it's been a basically good but boring marriage, he may well feel hurt as it felt real to him - providing for and protecting you and your kid the best he knew how. Even if you decide to leave or see if you can get your husband to come along the road to creating marriage 2.0, you also need to find a way to honor and appreciate the place your marriage thus far has had in your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok wow. OP here. First off, I’m not really sure why the take is that I want to go crazy and sleep with a bunch of people? I mourn it yes-but at this stage in my life it’s mourning-not yearning. I simply don’t have the personality for that (but no judgment). And yeah-there is definitely no boyfriend? So no idea what that comment is about.

My husband thinks therapy is worthless so no-he is not open to it as I’ve tried to talk to him about it several times. Although he always says he is happy that it is helping me-he is not interested in being part of it. And obviously he is not happy it’s helping me since he keeps trying to cut me back down. And yes I’m still in therapy. My therapist really tries to stay neutral on the marriage front but does agree his comments are purposeful and intended to undo some work.

Did you read your own post? LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the comments that your husband makes? Do you have specific instances and words?

I’m not going to give specifics. But basically they are comments that are sarcastic sometimes about what I’m doing (along the lines of making some comment about me all the sudden having a life etc…). They range in their subject matter but they are always meant to hurt.

Then respond in the moment and open up a discussion so the two of you can communicate! "Listen, it seems whenever I comment on friends or social plans, you make a cutting remark. I hope not, but it seems like you are intending to hurt my feelings or make me feel guilty or awkward. I just don't know. So, can you tell me why you make those remarks? Are you feeling emotions about me, as you say, "having a life" that you can share with me? Because if you're feeling left behind or having a tough time adjusting to the changes in me, I want to talk about that. It's important to me that we continue to grow together, rather than apart" and see what that gets you.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate, I have cPTSD from a horrible mother myself and often think about what could have been.

But you must know most of us aren't out here having a whole hell of a lot of "random fun sex," right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think you're a good mother, OP?

Yes. I have worked really hard to be the best mother I can. My kids seem happy and well adjusted. Although, I’m not sure why you asked this question? It kind of seems that you were trying to be hurtful in some way since it’s completely out of context. But regardless, I guess I should be used to that with this site.

I asked because 1) you apparently had a terrible mother so it's reasonable to think your ability to mother might be impacted by not having someone to model yourself after (you also said you had kids young), and 2) the birth and lives of your kids have taken place during the "wasted" period so I was wondering about the value and impact of being a parent has played in your life, or if becoming a parent is something you did because you felt like you should before you got to this place over the last few years of "knowing yourself"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok wow. OP here. First off, I’m not really sure why the take is that I want to go crazy and sleep with a bunch of people? I mourn it yes-but at this stage in my life it’s mourning-not yearning. I simply don’t have the personality for that (but no judgment). And yeah-there is definitely no boyfriend? So no idea what that comment is about.

My husband thinks therapy is worthless so no-he is not open to it as I’ve tried to talk to him about it several times. Although he always says he is happy that it is helping me-he is not interested in being part of it. And obviously he is not happy it’s helping me since he keeps trying to cut me back down. And yes I’m still in therapy. My therapist really tries to stay neutral on the marriage front but does agree his comments are purposeful and intended to undo some work.

Did you read your own post? LOL

Yes. Did you read it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by saying your marriage is a dependent marriage vs. true love? Most long-term couples have marriage 1.0, marriage 2.0, etc. TO THE SAME PERSON. It is very common for one spouse's growth to destablize a relationship, and that it not necessarily your fault and you may or may not be able to keep the marriage. But if I was your spouse, I would certainly have my defenses up if it seemed like you were viewing our past as dependent, fake, or somehow less than. If it's been a basically good but boring marriage, he may well feel hurt as it felt real to him - providing for and protecting you and your kid the best he knew how. Even if you decide to leave or see if you can get your husband to come along the road to creating marriage 2.0, you also need to find a way to honor and appreciate the place your marriage thus far has had in your lives.

Agree that I'd like to know what dependent marriage vs. true love mean. What is true love, OP? I really think this is a version of midlife crisis where you are romanticizing so much--love, fun teen years, fun college years, fun sex. I'm truly sorry you had a trauma filled childhood. That's awful. But please know that most of us humans didn't have the amazing times and experiences you seem to be romanticizing.

[Anonymous]

OP, your post really resonated with me. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mom had mental health issues. I was completely closed off to drinking, sex, and a lot of the youthful indiscretions i saw my peers engaged in. I'm now 40, and i still get pangs of sadness and regret when i hear stories from my friends' past. It seems so normal and fun.

I try to remind myself that i may have missed out on some fun but i also likely saved myself from a lot of heartache and potentially life-altering consequences. Also, when i really think about it, it's not the sex/drugs/rock and roll that i missed--it was the freedom to develop my own identity and interests, and that chance never expires! I'm trying to embrace it now. Good luck. I think it's great that you are exploring these feelings.

[Anonymous]

I relate, OP. The wasted years that come from being less self-aware at the earlier stages of your life. You were doing the best you could at the time and perhaps made those choices out of fear. You were surviving. You didn't know yourself fully and that's not your fault.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you had had those experiences that you see now craving, you wouldn't be happier now. Partying and random sex in high school and college are not the ticket.

I am in my mid-forties. No childhood trauma. I didn't have these experiences either. I was a quiet, studious girl. Those peers who had those "adventures " are not doing as well as I am. I never ever wished to have lived their lives instead.

Please, I'm saying this most gently, focus on the positives in your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, could you please give us some examples of your mother's behavior? It is hard to imagine what prompted such a trauma.

How are your children dealing with grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by saying your marriage is a dependent marriage vs. true love? Most long-term couples have marriage 1.0, marriage 2.0, etc. TO THE SAME PERSON. It is very common for one spouse's growth to destablize a relationship, and that it not necessarily your fault and you may or may not be able to keep the marriage. But if I was your spouse, I would certainly have my defenses up if it seemed like you were viewing our past as dependent, fake, or somehow less than. If it's been a basically good but boring marriage, he may well feel hurt as it felt real to him - providing for and protecting you and your kid the best he knew how. Even if you decide to leave or see if you can get your husband to come along the road to creating marriage 2.0, you also need to find a way to honor and appreciate the place your marriage thus far has had in your lives.

Agree that I'd like to know what dependent marriage vs. true love mean. What is true love, OP? I really think this is a version of midlife crisis where you are romanticizing so much--love, fun teen years, fun college years, fun sex. I'm truly sorry you had a trauma filled childhood. That's awful. But please know that most of us humans didn't have the amazing times and experiences you seem to be romanticizing.

Agree with this 100%.

There are lots of people who went through a bunch of partners and never found the right one. As well as people who thought they found the right one early, then the right one cheated on them and blew up their long-term marriage in egregious ways. There are lots of people as unhappy or more than OP, just with different problems.

[Anonymous]

Those years were not wasted if they were spent raising your children and providing a stable home life for them while you and your husband attempted to navigate your relationship. Even if you end up splitting it's important to give the marriage every possible shot at success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by saying your marriage is a dependent marriage vs. true love? Most long-term couples have marriage 1.0, marriage 2.0, etc. TO THE SAME PERSON. It is very common for one spouse's growth to destablize a relationship, and that it not necessarily your fault and you may or may not be able to keep the marriage. But if I was your spouse, I would certainly have my defenses up if it seemed like you were viewing our past as dependent, fake, or somehow less than. If it's been a basically good but boring marriage, he may well feel hurt as it felt real to him - providing for and protecting you and your kid the best he knew how. Even if you decide to leave or see if you can get your husband to come along the road to creating marriage 2.0, you also need to find a way to honor and appreciate the place your marriage thus far has had in your lives.

Agree that I'd like to know what dependent marriage vs. true love mean. What is true love, OP? I really think this is a version of midlife crisis where you are romanticizing so much--love, fun teen years, fun college years, fun sex. I'm truly sorry you had a trauma filled childhood. That's awful. But please know that most of us humans didn't have the amazing times and experiences you seem to be romanticizing.

Agree with this 100%.

There are lots of people who went through a bunch of partners and never found the right one. As well as people who thought they found the right one early, then the right one cheated on them and blew up their long-term marriage in egregious ways. There are lots of people as unhappy or more than OP, just with different problems.

+1, yes my ex-husband acted out egregiously because he resented feeling dependent in the relationship (based on his own unresolved traumas; he would acknowledge now not based on anything I had actually done to make him dependent except being young and not having the tools to fix his internal turmoil within the marriage - but he blamed me at the time). our traumas can drive us to hungrily grab at the "should have" expectations we are fed, with disastrous results.