Mourning all the wasted years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not try and do fun stuff with your husband and kids? Travel and explore.

You sound like a success job wise and college wise.

Just keep moving FW. Glad you understand your childhood. Though I hardly believe a parent who made you study hard is mental disordered. Was dad out of the picture?
Do you really think of high school as only supposed to be “fun”? It’s not without social or academic stress, OP.

Now your spouse needs to move FW too with your relationship and children (??), etc. Tell him your goals - travel, fun, friends, house/kids/him- and all move FW.

I don’t know who you are responding to but this is the OP. Um-my mom did not make me study hard. My mom didn’t have any idea what was going on at school and took absolutely no interest in any part of my life. I studied hard to get out from her control. That was my own decision. Honestly you think I was talking about being forced to study hard as trauma? My mother has about 4 different diagnoses and was hospitalized probably 5-6 times. She was abusive to my siblings and I from the time I have memories.

And no there was no dad in the picture. I had 3 siblings and I assume all of us had different fathers. None of us knew who they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, could you please give us some examples of your mother's behavior? It is hard to imagine what prompted such a trauma.

How are your children dealing with grandma?

No.

She does not need to give examples of traumas to be picked apart by those like you who love trauma p-rn.

I can imagine and so can the others here who had crappy childhoods. We don’t need OP to list examples.

If you can’t understand, move along.

[Anonymous]

Op here. To answer some questions: my kids are still at home. They are teenagers. And yes-I probably am a little jealous that they had and will have typical teenage/college lives. But even though I’m a little jealous for sure-it makes me happy that they will get that.

It’s interesting to me that many many responders seem to be so focused on what I said about sex. It was one thing I said yet it seems to be the most focused on. I never said that’s what I want to do now. I was simply saying that I am sad I never had the experiences that others have. Not really sure how that got interpreted the way that it clearly did-that it’s somehow what I want to go out and do now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you can step back and see that you seem to be only engaging with commenters who want to talk about your childhood and seem triggered and compelled to respond. Yet you don't engage with commenters who are offering observations about your PRESENT life. I think it's a sign of how much you still allow your victim identity control you, despite how far you've come. Keep up the therapy and hard work. Please don't blow up the life you've work hard to achieve. I can't help but feel you are sabotaging yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think you're having a midlife crisis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I love him deeply but as time has gone on I realize that it is/was a dependent love and not true love.



Sometimes when friends talk about all the fun/experiences/random fun sex they had I just want to cry. Because I should have had that. And now I never will. That window of life is over for me and it makes me want to scream.

OP - there is no such thing as "true love". That is all brainwashing from romance novels and the like. What you really regret is the second line where you wanted to "sow your oats". Sorry, you've missed that.

[Anonymous]

Get out of therapy and stop being obsessed with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Yawn. Just grow up already and live your life. You don't need permission 🙄

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd try to remind yourself that lots of people regret their teen years and 20s because they didn't set themselves up for a career, financial stability or a stable relationship. There are many who wish they'd taken your path.

Also know that the carefree going out in your teens and 20s can result in trauma that can take years to get over. Unplanned pregnancy, STDs, rape, assault, addiction, overdose, etc. Yeah, it can be fun but bad stuff does happen, especially if you are being 100% carefree. To be safe you need to watch your drink, keep track of who you're with, be aware of your surroundings, etc. It's not some panacea.

I also know lots of empty nesters who have an absolute blast traveling and partying. There's lots of fun left to be had. I'd stop regretting your 20s. You did what you had to do to build a stable and safe life. Now that you have that security, you have the financial stability for some fun. Plan some fun trips. Go to concerts. Have amazing dinners with friends. Enjoy your kids and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a midlife crisis that is intensified by OP's sense that she missed out on earlier stages of life mixed with trying to overcome trauma. I think she's as risk of blowing up her life even more.

Or.

She’s realized that she’s created a life on a foundation of trauma and is actually quite toxic for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you can step back and see that you seem to be only engaging with commenters who want to talk about your childhood and seem triggered and compelled to respond. Yet you don't engage with commenters who are offering observations about your PRESENT life. I think it's a sign of how much you still allow your victim identity control you, despite how far you've come. Keep up the therapy and hard work. Please don't blow up the life you've work hard to achieve. I can't help but feel you are sabotaging yourself.

This.

OP, if you are not a troll, the subject line is startling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a midlife crisis that is intensified by OP's sense that she missed out on earlier stages of life mixed with trying to overcome trauma. I think she's as risk of blowing up her life even more.

Or.

She’s realized that she’s created a life on a foundation of trauma and is actually quite toxic for her.

WTF does that even mean?

OP (if not a troll, sigh) is stuck in a victim mentality and now wants to be her husband’s victim. It’s basically a mid life crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To answer some questions: my kids are still at home. They are teenagers. And yes-I probably am a little jealous that they had and will have typical teenage/college lives. But even though I’m a little jealous for sure-it makes me happy that they will get that.

It’s interesting to me that many many responders seem to be so focused on what I said about sex. It was one thing I said yet it seems to be the most focused on. I never said that’s what I want to do now. I was simply saying that I am sad I never had the experiences that others have. Not really sure how that got interpreted the way that it clearly did-that it’s somehow what I want to go out and do now.

Comparison is the thief of joy OP. You mourn the life you now think you deserve without recognizing that there’s no way at all to know how it could have been if you didn’t take the path you’re currently on. There are women your age who never found a partner, women who suffer from infidelity, women in relationships with abusers, women dealing with chronic illnesses. Flip the script and be thankful for what you have.

From the outside it seems like you are having a midlife crisis and have either met someone you’re interested in or thinking of heading down that road. You’re starting to justify your feelings by re-writing your history. You mention awesome new friends in your first post. I’d bet one of those awesome new friends is a single man who is paying attention to you and complimenting you. I recognize your behavior because I was you about eight years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To answer some questions: my kids are still at home. They are teenagers. And yes-I probably am a little jealous that they had and will have typical teenage/college lives. But even though I’m a little jealous for sure-it makes me happy that they will get that.

It’s interesting to me that many many responders seem to be so focused on what I said about sex. It was one thing I said yet it seems to be the most focused on. I never said that’s what I want to do now. I was simply saying that I am sad I never had the experiences that others have. Not really sure how that got interpreted the way that it clearly did-that it’s somehow what I want to go out and do now.

Comparison is the thief of joy OP. You mourn the life you now think you deserve without recognizing that there’s no way at all to know how it could have been if you didn’t take the path you’re currently on. There are women your age who never found a partner, women who suffer from infidelity, women in relationships with abusers, women dealing with chronic illnesses. Flip the script and be thankful for what you have.

From the outside it seems like you are having a midlife crisis and have either met someone you’re interested in or thinking of heading down that road. You’re starting to justify your feelings by re-writing your history. You mention awesome new friends in your first post. I’d bet one of those awesome new friends is a single man who is paying attention to you and complimenting you. I recognize your behavior because I was you about eight years ago.

Agree with PP. the grass is not greener but we can’t tell you this you’ll have to experience it all on your own the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Complicated, but basically I grew up with a devastating amount of childhood trauma from my very mentally Ill mother. It basically shattered my self esteem, gave me serious anxiety and made me hate myself. I spent my entire older teenage/early twenties life simply trying to survive until I could get out from under her control completely. She was manipulative and basically gave me coping mechanisms that although helped me survive my trauma-have ruined many things for me.

I had relationships but my low self esteem/terrible insecurity basically messed up any chance of normal relationships. I met my husband when I was 22 and he felt like a way out. Although I had picked a career path that was lucrative (very on purpose to make sure I could always take care/support myself)-he was on an even more impressive path. We started life together very quickly after graduating professional school and got married and started having kids very young. I love him deeply but as time has gone on I realize that it is/was a dependent love and not true love.

Over the last 5 years or so (I’m in my early 40s) I’ve done intense therapy and really started working on myself. And now I feel so different. I feel like a different person. I finally have confidence and actually like myself and have made awesome friends and generally just feel like an actual person finally. My husband, instead of being happy for me, cuts me down and makes comments to try and keep me the way I was. Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.

But more than that I’m so sad that half my life is over and I feel like I didn’t live at all. I didn’t have “fun teenage years” or “fun college years”. I spent those years so terrified of being under my mothers control that I was 100% focused on making good grades and getting out. I mourn the life I should have had. The experiences I should have had. I should have had more relationship experience where I wasn’t so messed up that I could learn what I wanted from those kind of relationships.

Sometimes when friends talk about all the fun/experiences/random fun sex they had I just want to cry. Because I should have had that. And now I never will. That window of life is over for me and it makes me want to scream.

I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I don't even know what my question is. I guess I just needed to tell this to a bunch of strangers.

All the bonded makes you sound childish and immature. It sounds like all the growing up you did prepared you to be a successful adult. Many of those who make it far in their careers did so because they didn’t focus on “having fun” or “random fun sex”. My suggestion is to grow up emotionally! Listen to your husband is he “cutting you down” or bringing you back to Earth? Most 40 something’s don’t go out and behave like a child - if my husband told me he wanted to I might make a few comments too - because we have responsibilities. I might actually think he is having some sort of mid-life episode that requires therapy.

I’m sorry it was childhood trauma that led you down the path you did. But think about the silver linings here - you are career wise successful. You have great friends and in the end you got the whole package. Many people don’t get that. Be grateful. If your husband is the sad sack your describing and really cutting you down, evaluate that in all its granularity.