Is divorce my final ruin? (Millennial edition)

[Anonymous]

No judgment please, so step aside Gen X.

Elder millennial here who was sold (literally) the American dream. You have no other choice but to go to college and you will take out exorbitant loans. Marry in the Midwest by mid-20s. 3 kids by early 30s. On the back of highly taxed retirement withdrawal, somehow put a down payment on a decent home and now house and student loan poor. No chance for college savings for kids.

Add unhappy in marriage, blaming one another for ending up in *this* place. From coming to age in the era of 9/11, graduating college in an economic recession, attempting hope in Obama era to be shattered with Trump. Trying to raise a young family and being slammed with a pandemic. Everything has been terrible, silver lining coming only in the love I have for my kids. Dark cloud over everything post-Nintendo in the basement with my siblings - 1995.

Will a divorce be the final straw? Are elder millennials f**ked forever or am I the special kind that was hit with it all?

[Anonymous]

You have gazed way too far into your own navel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have gazed way too far into your own navel.

+ Was about to say the same but you say it with so much wit! OP, don't be your own worst enemy. It's a choice to be happy. It's easy to make excuses, and blame everything else. I could blame the Great Recession, or whatever, but I have to put energy into it that takes away energy from making today better. You can spend all your time in 2010, or in today. You can't change 2010.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you were lucky. I had some pretty awful trauma under my belt by 28. Including becoming a single Mom after being assaulted by my ex, having my higher ed advisor screw me over and reinventing my whole life. I envied everyone on the "normal" path.

I worked really hard and am wildly successful with an amazing husband. Except we've lost more babies in 5 years than you can imagine. So I still don't get a happy ending.

That said, a good take away from story is that getting out of a terrible relationship was the start if something much better.

[Anonymous]

Your ‘woe is me,’ making excuses for everything and taking absolutely NO responsibility for your own actions or decisions attitude is insufferable and so very immature. You are not a victim. You are an adult - it’s high time you start acting like one.

-a fellow millennial

[Anonymous]

Divorce isn’t the end of the world. Or even better fix your marriage.

[Anonymous]

What’s your responsibility in all this, OP? Not sure I’ve ever seen a post that externalized blame more than this one.

[Anonymous]

Older millennial here. It’s harder financially for us compared to older generations (just look at the growing income gap!) but as a woman I’d argue you’ve had a better life than most women before you and as an American, you’re doing better than most people in the world. Try marriage counseling and work on finding happiness for yourself (find some hobbies, go on a hike, travel with a friend or solo for a weekend). I have some friends in our age group currently online dating and let me tell you, it’s ugly out there, slim pickings for mid-late 30s. And they probably won’t ever be able to have their own children. I’m married to someone who is fine, not great, it’s hard but I feel so lucky to have my kids.

[Anonymous]

I don't even understand what the issue is. Can't pay for college is the biggest issue looming ahead? Don't sweat the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? You've made some bad choices, but it's not too late to start over. Can your parents help?

[Anonymous]

Im the oldest millenial (81). Went to a state school for free on a STEM scholarship (yay being a girl in stem). Married at 31 and had kids late. Dh is great but not conventionally attractive and a big nerd. Turned out to be a good partner and father so far. I think you made some wrong choices not knowing what they were or what the results would be. College debt is debilitating so aiming to spare your kids that is a good plan. Find the majors and scholarships available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No judgment please, so step aside Gen X.

Elder millennial here who was sold (literally) the American dream. You have no other choice but to go to college and you will take out exorbitant loans. Marry in the Midwest by mid-20s. 3 kids by early 30s. On the back of highly taxed retirement withdrawal, somehow put a down payment on a decent home and now house and student loan poor. No chance for college savings for kids.

Add unhappy in marriage, blaming one another for ending up in *this* place. From coming to age in the era of 9/11, graduating college in an economic recession, attempting hope in Obama era to be shattered with Trump. Trying to raise a young family and being slammed with a pandemic. Everything has been terrible, silver lining coming only in the love I have for my kids. Dark cloud over everything post-Nintendo in the basement with my siblings - 1995.

Will a divorce be the final straw? Are elder millennials f**ked forever or am I the special kind that was hit with it all?

I don't think any of your assumptions are false.
We all were raised to go to college, especially those of us who were first or second generation.
I'm slightly older, but definitely took out an interest only loan to buy a house right before the 2006 dip. And then lost my job. So took had to repay my 401k loan with my little savings plus a rainy day fund plus a bunch of help from my spouse. We still can't believe we scrap by, but we do. The pandemic took my marriage to the edge, and we are still there, but we still, for now, are miserably plowing forth with our vows. The good times and bad times vary from 40-60 each way. I definitely wonder if this is just a season, and certainly don't want to live out the next 40 years this way.

[Anonymous]

Good god. Thank you for reminding me why I can’t stand millennials. You just want to blame everyone but yourself don’t you? Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Well I’m Gen x and I might have advice even though you told me to shut up.

I just want to say that being in an unhappy marriage with three kids is really draining. It won’t get better unless you really try to make it better — and even then it might not.

It’s not easier to divorce when the kids are older —it’s harder because they are locked into a certain lifestyle and friends at a certain school and will really resent you if you rip them from their friends/clubs as teens.

I don’t know how old your kids are but I would put a year or two into really working on your marriage. Put the resentments in the past and start fresh. Both of you. If that’s not possible because he’s truly an ass or because you just can’t make it work, leave now. Sell the house. Rent or buy a smaller house. I had a neighbor that did it and your age and I was in some awe of her but 10 years later she is so much happier and her kids are too — they adjusted fine.

[Anonymous]

You guys are all %&$Woles. While I'm not in this posters shoes, I'm a first generation college student, student loaned mom who moved to dc to do good. No PP, I couldn't call on my parents for help with loans or down payments, so my partner and I pieced together what we could, and we do...ok. We get by but we aren't getting ahead. I'm just glad we aren't buying under these new interest rates.

I also think there's a huge untapped UGH/GRIEF/TRAUMA whatever people are comfortable calling in about parents of young kids during the pandemic. Maybe I should start a new thread or ask some journalist to do an investigative operation, but the untapped marital and work stress of the pandemic on working moms who are the breadwinners has to be a trauma no one has read into (and I don't use trauma lightly).