How long is too long for in-laws to stay?

[Anonymous]

DW’s parents like to come visit, which is great. However, when they do, they will stay at our house for 10-12 days. This isn’t a problem per se. I like them well enough, but the issue is that when they stay for so long, there is invariably some point where DW and I end up in a significant fight. I have expressed to her that, while I like her parents, having guests for such a long period disrupts the normal functioning of our house and results in strife. She now claims that I don’t like her family, and that I am trying to keep them away. Is it really unreasonable to think that having guests for 10-12 days at a time can create issues?

Separately, she’s constantly trying to invite her friends to stay at our home when they come to town. I don’t necessarily have an issue, but I also don’t like that so much. We are mid-40s with a kid. I am sort of over the idea of having friends stay at our house when they come to town. Feels like the sort of thing you do in your 20s. She also thinks that I hate her friends because of that. Am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

3 days.

[Anonymous]

3-4 days, like fish

[Anonymous]

Some people love having guests and some people don’t. You are in a mixed marriage.

When no one in visiting, have a talk about it and see if you can’t come to some compromise. Be willing to listen to why she likes having visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 days.

+1. Maybe 5 if you REALLY like them.

Benjamin Franklin famously said that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

[Anonymous]

That's a long visit, for anyone. I live close to a relative who has cancer, have a nice guest bedroom, so my parents have been here several times this year for long visits. It's the only way for my parent to be there for their sibling. But it's not a large house and we do feel the strain...I think it's reasonable to put a time limit on these visits and to tell friends that you've had a lot of visitors lately and can't host them this time.

[Anonymous]

10-12 days is a long time.

On the friends thing; I don't see what age has to do with it. Assuming these friends are staying for a night or two, not a week, seems like it allows your wife to spend more time with them in a more relaxed way. We have friends stay with us sometimes,, for that reason. If they have a conference or wedding or meetings during the day, it makes it easier to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

They are her parents. They are family. Your house is their house. They should always be welcome to stay for as long as they’d like.

[Anonymous]

Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

[Anonymous]

There’s no right or wrong answer, it varies by person. You prefer fewer/shorter visits, she is of “the more the merrier” group.
Compromise on the family visits, try a little under a wk next time & see if it goes better. If I were her, id rather have my parents for 5-7 days with no fight over 10-12 days with a blow-up.
With friends, see if you can compromise with being ok with visitors a couple times of year. I don’t think it’s weird to have friends stay - if you have the room. Maybe it’s a woman thing, but it is nice to be able to put your kids to bed & then have a nice time hanging out with friends in your home, so much better than just seeing them at a restaurant or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are her parents. They are family. Your house is their house. They should always be welcome to stay for as long as they’d like.

No, MIL. You have your own house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think 10-12 days is that long. They’re her parents and my parents would totally do this if we lived far from them and had adequate space. What are the things causing strife between you two when they visit? Feel like that could be resolved instead.

[Anonymous]

How far away do the in laws live? Do they travel to you by plane or drive? Is your wife an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

Can you reframe it as you get stressed out in these situations, it’s not that you don’t like her family specifically, you don’t do well with your routine being off. You are a bit rigid about routine, she is not and isn’t being open to hearing how it affects you (this is what it sounds like just hearing your side). Maybe a therapist could help you guys learn to communicate better.