How long is too long for in-laws to stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 days.

+1. Maybe 5 if you REALLY like them.

Benjamin Franklin famously said that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

np I don't think you should follow Benjamin Franklin's advice..lol. He was good at giving it but, not taking his own.

Regardless, houseguests start to smell and wear out their welcome after three days.

They may stay longer and have to move into roommate status- but their own food, clean up after themselves, plan their own days out.

[Anonymous]

Buy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your communication style is a little passive aggressive based on this post. “I don’t necessarily have a problem” “this isn’t a problem per se” — obviously it’s a problem and that’s why you’re here!

What I was trying to say is that I am fine with a longer visit in concept. I just don’t want to keep doing it if it is going to result in huge fights all the time. Last time, we went to a restaurant together, and DW spent 10-15 minutes berating me in front of everyone about politics. It is not fun. Worse things happen privately. I don’t want to do it if that is going to continue.

We’ll speak up then, do t sit there like a silent child. Contribute to the conversation. Advocate! Don’t make your wife do all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your communication style is a little passive aggressive based on this post. “I don’t necessarily have a problem” “this isn’t a problem per se” — obviously it’s a problem and that’s why you’re here!

What I was trying to say is that I am fine with a longer visit in concept. I just don’t want to keep doing it if it is going to result in huge fights all the time. Last time, we went to a restaurant together, and DW spent 10-15 minutes berating me in front of everyone about politics. It is not fun. Worse things happen privately. I don’t want to do it if that is going to continue.

Sounds like a cry for help.

Get professional help.

[Anonymous]

WhoTF gets into a “huge argument” at a restaurant in front of others at your very own table.

Your marriage has HUGE underlying issues. Based on your passivity of your posts, I’m willing to bet you play a big role in that. Being no responsive, needing instructions most of the time, not knowing what’s going on with anyone or anything.
Then you play Dumb Victim when you’ve aggravated someone so much they’re angry with you.

No way to live.

If that’s your pattern, stop it, grow up.

If something else is going on, grow up and figure it out. Arguments at the restaurant are the tip of the iceberg here. So stop pretending that’s not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

You guys have simple communication problems and need to hash it out with a couple therapist. Get out of this pattern.

You seem to be claiming that these arguments only happen when you have extended houseguests.

If that is true, they yes, you both aren’t finding time to talk and connect during extended houseguests. Maybe have some breaks and go out for lunch from work or a breakfast, with your own spouse and discuss the week or nuclear family stuff you need to.

On her side, stonewalling issues by saying “you don’t like them” is something to explore and either discard or dig in to. I can’t tell.

But back and forth comms need to continue even with houseguests in the home. Her parents should get that.

As for friend houseguests, is your wife just super social and you are not? Who does all the kid stuff that houseguests throw everything into a tailspin? Kids come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

I still don’t get it.

How old are the kids? What are these arguments actually about Op? Give a few examples.

Who cares if the grandparents tag along to the kids bday parties, games, project shopping. Stop taking that personally. You can still grab a book and get some 1:1 time with your kid at bedtime or during a weekend. You don’t have to disappear with them for 2-4 hours.

[Anonymous]

These must be young kids.

Of course do group activities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

Answer the other questions posted here OP.

Not a good look when you ignore some and not others.

Are you the same person that accused me of being rigid and inflexible and of never want to socialize? Why are you so hostile?

#Deflecting

If I wanted to deal with an aggressive person who immediately makes everything difficult, I could just go home and strike up a conversation about our Thanksgiving plans. Thanks.

Oh I see.

Op is a Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 days.

This

[Anonymous]

Your wife has a problem. You’re a normal person. I can’t stand having guests sleeping in my house, OP! Good luck getting through to her!

[Anonymous]

3 days. That's it.

[Anonymous]

You are absolutely right that it creates strife. Families need their privacy, and when they don't have any for a long period of time (which differs from person to person) then relationships deteriorate. My MIL frequently comes to stay with us, uninvited, but periods of 3 weeks to 3 months. By the end of 3 weeks, my husband and I are on such poor terms that it takes us weeks to recover, sometimes more. At the end of 3 months, I was calling therapists and divorce lawyers.

[Anonymous]

3-4 days if traveling from somewhere in the US.

And, for those visiting other people, don’t stay longer this. You might be fine with guests staying forever but most people aren’t

[Anonymous]

20 minutes is my limit