How long is too long for in-laws to stay?

[Anonymous]

3-4 days max for my ILs, ideally. No more than 5 days if I can help it and absolutely no longer than 7.

[Anonymous]

You are well within your rights, OP, to have a less social preference. Your wife should take your preference into account, and perhaps you could compromise on a shorter stay, or on a stay where you need to do less.

But please understand that her preference is just as valid as yours. No one is right or wrong here, except her wild accusations that you don't like her family and friends. She has to calm down and accept that she married someone who is social than she is.

[Anonymous]

How often do they come and how far do they come from?

How often does she invite someone to stay over (friend or family)?

How much space do you have? Do you have spare rooms with ensuites? Do you have a relatively big place with room for people to move about or be on their own without being on top of people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

I think you have a wife problem. She sounds really demanding and high maintenance. And I’m a wife.

[Anonymous]

Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

[Anonymous]

This varies by person, but also is a space issue. Once we got a house that is guest friendly (we can arrange it so they have a room, bathroom, place to hang of their own) we don't mind if they stay as long as they want. We can even send the kids down to the guest area and free up space of us.

For us, it's just our two moms and having the grandmothers around comes with a lot of benefits (they care for the kids and cook a lot).

I'm also someone who always opens up the house to guests. My husband is too, and the kids love it. Many people come for 2-3 day trips, and Our very good friends stay for a week every summer.

[Anonymous]

1 day is too many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

I hope my sons never marry a woman like you.

[Anonymous]

Personally I’d prefer if they never came, but that’s unreasonable on my part. I drew a line after they came and stayed to 16 nights. We were fighting constantly as we don’t actually have a guest room so they stay in our finished but not closed off to the rest of the house basement which at least has a full bath. So now my max is 7 days, applies to any and all guests so there is no favoritism. And when it is ILs I conveniently always have at least a few nights of work travel in the middle since 3 days seems to be the max before my spouse grows irritated at the reversion to childhood roles and starts taking it out on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

I don't think she's putting her parents' desires ahead of her husband, I think she's putting her own desires first and she's not willing to compromise. The IL's probably have no idea their son-in-law has a problem with the current arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d prefer if they never came, but that’s unreasonable on my part. I drew a line after they came and stayed to 16 nights. We were fighting constantly as we don’t actually have a guest room so they stay in our finished but not closed off to the rest of the house basement which at least has a full bath. So now my max is 7 days, applies to any and all guests so there is no favoritism. And when it is ILs I conveniently always have at least a few nights of work travel in the middle since 3 days seems to be the max before my spouse grows irritated at the reversion to childhood roles and starts taking it out on me.

What does this mean? There are stairs that lead to the basement without a door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do they come and how far do they come from?

How often does she invite someone to stay over (friend or family)?

How much space do you have? Do you have spare rooms with ensuites? Do you have a relatively big place with room for people to move about or be on their own without being on top of people?

This first was my question -- 10-12 days from Kentucky? Or 10-12 days from Namibia? Two different cases...

[Anonymous]

For me this very much depends on the guest. Guests who feed themselves, entertain themselves, and clean up after themselves can stay as long as they like. Guests who expect to be waited on can stay 3 nights max.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1 day is too many.

+1
My MIL wants to be treated like a guest. Never lifts a finger to help out, and she has never, ever changed kids diapers even when she was "babysitting". She says that she is not into babies. She loves to eat, a lot! Especially at high end restaurants but never pays. DH picks up the tab. Other times, she calls in sushi order (large Samerai platter) and ask DH to pick it up, but does not reimburse him. When she spends the night, only things does is to strip the bedding in the morning. Otherwise she does not clean up after herself. Leaves wet hand towel in the tub; drops face powder all over the bathroom sink and floor. She is self absorbed and gross.