How long is too long for in-laws to stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

Answer the other questions posted here OP.

Not a good look when you ignore some and not others.

Are you the same person that accused me of being rigid and inflexible and of never want to socialize? Why are you so hostile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

You really have no idea why the comms aren’t working here?

Then get a therapist, have a specific topic and hash it out real-time with a third party there. Do a 10 min pre call each with the therapist first to discuss each of your perceived issues with comms and topic at hand.

One or both of you has poor verbal communication skills.

One or both of you may have zero self awareness or self reflection as well.

And guess what!?
One or both of you may be so well-behaved during the therapy session that you’ll come to an actual agreeable resolution!

So then keep using said therapist to hash things out until it’s a habit at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

Answer the other questions posted here OP.

Not a good look when you ignore some and not others.

Are you the same person that accused me of being rigid and inflexible and of never want to socialize? Why are you so hostile?

#Deflecting

[Anonymous]

How long does your family stay with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

Answer the other questions posted here OP.

Not a good look when you ignore some and not others.

Are you the same person that accused me of being rigid and inflexible and of never want to socialize? Why are you so hostile?

#Deflecting

If I wanted to deal with an aggressive person who immediately makes everything difficult, I could just go home and strike up a conversation about our Thanksgiving plans. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the ILs afford a hotel? Can you pay for a hotel for them? Even if someone can afford it will they be massively offended if you suggest it?

I think 10 days is fine if they come once a year or less. If more often no way. I loved having my ILs (RIP) for 3 week visits but they only came once every few years and were great guests. BILs family, the wife treats us like maids so we have a 4 day limit for them.

So you actually do like them, you just have a hard time with the long disruption to your routine which causes you stress and you blame that for fighting with your wife. Do l have that right? Is there something specific that triggers the fights that can be mitigated, besides shorter visits? Maybe you and wife can solve this together, like you going to work in a library for some days (if you WFH) - just an example.

You are correct. I like them. They are fine as guests. It’s just that it always results in some big fight between DW and me. I tried to talk to DW about that, and suggested that, from my perspective, having our usual routine disrupted for so long creates stress that builds up to a fight. She then got upset at me and accused me of not liking her parents. It would be great to work out a solution. However, she seems stuck on saying I don’t like her family. We have been stuck there since September.

We are now supposed to go visit some of her relatives for Thanksgiving. They don’t really have a lot of space in any event, but I suggested that we find an airbnb or hotel. At which point, she renewed her allegation that I don’t like her family. In reality, I don’t want to spend my time trying to share a queen bed with DW and a kid while we are visiting.

Why don’t you confirm the dramatic sleeping arrangement first?

Frankly between not wanting include the grandparents on outings, never wanting to host or socialize with other couples in your house, and not wanting to stay one night at someone else’s house for thanksgiving, YOU seem like the issue.

You’re rigid and introverted. Loosen up and enjoy some family time and traditions. Soon your (one?) kid will be older and have sports practices daily, games and tournaments on weekends X homework nightly, major projects to do on weekends, and the grandparents will be too old to travel or host well.

So grow up.

Nothing you have alluded to is anything in the realm of a rude or inconsiderate or unsafe family houseguest. If you’d like stories of that, LMK.

Not sure where you are pulling all this from. I am fine with including them on most things, but sometimes, you just want some time to be with your kid. Typically, there is almost nothing that is done alone during these visits. I'm not even sure I can sit down and read a bedtime story. Now, I am happy for for my kid to develop a relationship with grandparents. I want that. But, you know, sometimes, you just need a minute.

Also, I am perfectly fine hosting or socializing with others for things like dinners, birthday parties, informal get togethers, whatever. I am just not so much of a fan of having non-family members stay at my house at this point in my life. Sure, sometimes, it's fine, but if I am choosing, I'd rather not.

As to Thanksgiving, you say one night, but it's not. It's like 3-4 nights in a small house and in a small bed that doesn't fit all of us.

Are you saying that most of the problem is the grandparent(s) follow the kid around all over the home and want to do every single thing - feeding, bathing, put to bed, reading, game, etc.

Like they are that clueless and just can’t stop themselves? Or big control freaks?

And when you say, “I’m going to put L to bed say good night, no no I got this, let’s wind down, enjoy your tea”, they say “No, we’re coming.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

This is what I was going to ask — what are you actually fighting about? Focus on that since your ILS staying doesn’t seem to be the actual problem.

Dunno.

What IS the fight about?

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

This.

Your wife seems emotionally immature and possibly enmeshed with her parents. Your concerns are valid. Instead of hearing you and discussing possible compromises or solutions, she shuts down the conversation by jumping into accusations: you don't like my family! You don't like my friends!

To be clear, I would actually be ok with her parents staying for 10-12 days so long as we could avoid the fights. What I was trying to suggest was that there needs to be some extra grace during those periods instead of getting agitated. I also think that there need to be some times where it's ok for me to do things on my own with our kid, since I think it's important for my relationship with our child to continue as normal during long stays as well, rather than having everything turn into a group activity. I haven't really been able to have that discussion because it just turns into me being told that I don't like my DW's parents or her friends or whoever, and that I'm therefore the problem.

This is what I was going to ask — what are you actually fighting about? Focus on that since your ILS staying doesn’t seem to be the actual problem. If she thinks you need to be all family, all the time for 2 weeks — that is ridiculous.

How old is the kid?

Is the kid in preschool or school full days?

Where are the grandparents coming in from? How many times a year are you hosting them?

What’s your typical communication style with your spouse? Anyone avoidant and the other direct?

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far away do the in laws live? Do they travel to you by plane or drive? Is your wife an only child?

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do they come and how far do they come from?

How often does she invite someone to stay over (friend or family)?

How much space do you have? Do you have spare rooms with ensuites? Do you have a relatively big place with room for people to move about or be on their own without being on top of people?

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

Answer the other questions posted here OP.

Not a good look when you ignore some and not others.

Are you the same person that accused me of being rigid and inflexible and of never want to socialize? Why are you so hostile?

#Deflecting

If I wanted to deal with an aggressive person who immediately makes everything difficult, I could just go home and strike up a conversation about our Thanksgiving plans. Thanks.

DP.

I don't think PP is hostile. You could have just asked which questions PP was talking about. Even better, you should have told PP to kick rocks.

You seem to circle around issues too much without really addressing them. You need to be more direct.

[Anonymous]

3 day max

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

You really have no idea why the comms aren’t working here?

Then get a therapist, have a specific topic and hash it out real-time with a third party there. Do a 10 min pre call each with the therapist first to discuss each of your perceived issues with comms and topic at hand.

One or both of you has poor verbal communication skills.

One or both of you may have zero self awareness or self reflection as well.

And guess what!?
One or both of you may be so well-behaved during the therapy session that you’ll come to an actual agreeable resolution!

So then keep using said therapist to hash things out until it’s a habit at home.

The Holy Grail!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know…but 10-14 days would be my ANNUAL limit for in-laws staying, however that may be distributed. If it is one long visit a year- fine- at least I know I don’t have to do it again for a year. I like my ILs just fine but find houseguests stressful in general.

All of this.
Also you guys need counseling to learn how to disagree better.

Agree, this is simple. You both need to learn how to discuss concerns early on and problem solve them together as a team.

OP here. I have been trying to have a conversation so we can handle it better. I get met with allegations that I dislike DW's family (which isn't true), and the conversation never really progresses from there. I would agree that we need better communication. This is something I have raised with DW many times, also to little avail.

Answer the other questions posted here OP.

Not a good look when you ignore some and not others.

Are you the same person that accused me of being rigid and inflexible and of never want to socialize? Why are you so hostile?

#Deflecting

If I wanted to deal with an aggressive person who immediately makes everything difficult, I could just go home and strike up a conversation about our Thanksgiving plans. Thanks.

DP.

I don't think PP is hostile. You could have just asked which questions PP was talking about. Even better, you should have told PP to kick rocks.

You seem to circle around issues too much without really addressing them. You need to be more direct.

NP. You and the PP actually have the same advice: don’t selectively respond and ignore people’s basic questions.

One even gave a further rationale: it’s not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. This is a major wife issue. She seems a little too close to her family for my tastes. You are the spouse and your needs come before her parents' desires.

I hope my sons never marry a woman like you.

I hope my daughters don’t have a mil like you.